We smoke to proclaim our faith

Jon: Disney's Planes: Fire and Rescue?
Rory: The first one is rubbish.
Jon: You saw it?!
Rory: I thought it was a Pixar film!
Jon: Heh. Planes mistaken for Cars.

Toby on Degrassi and Rusty on Greek

Now I'm picturing Christopher Castile listening to La Dispute while grading papers.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

Midway point!

26. Red Wedding 2 (24, S09E09)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "It's not weird, it's brothers." (Enlisted, S01E13)
  • "Who's your Lori Loughlin?" (Enlisted, S01E13)
  • "Why is this punch brown?"
    "It's gin and chocolate milk, dawgs." (Enlisted, S01E13)
  • "I'm the Beyoncé of this platoon, man."
    "I'm the Anne Heche." (Enlisted, S01E13)
  • Enlisted Season Grade: C+
  • The best part of this show is the opening credits (Halt and Catch Fire, S01E04)
  • Shame that Eva Green isn't eligible for an Emmy this year (Penny Dreadful, S01E07)

(Frankenfood, S01E01)

(Frankenfood, S01E01)

(Frankenfood, S01E02)

(Frankenfood, S01E02)

  • "I am the President of the United States of America and I just gave you an order."
    "I am not American citizen. This is not America." (24, S09E09)
  • "Get ready. Margot may have set up a perimeter." (24, S09E09)
  • Barry's father couldn't buy out a better aircraft? Where are the showers and lie-flat seats? (Tyrant, S01E01)
  • Tyrants love Aerosmith! (Tyrant, S01E01)
  • "Look, Em, there's a Subway" – not sure if product placement… (Tyrant, S01E01)

(Loiter Squad, S03E07)

  • Who is that Asian dude on the show this season? (Loiter Squad, S03E07)
  • "I'm not a slave, I'm me!" (Loiter Squad, S03E07)
  • "You must not know who I am. I'm all that!" (Loiter Squad, S03E07)
  • Why doesn't Red just escape through the grate in the greenhouse? She knows a human can fit inside… (Orange Is the New Black, S02E07)
  • "Ugh. It's full of Fleet Foxes and shit!" (Orange Is the New Black, S02E07)
  • "If you're not building a future, that's because you don't believe there is a future. You've given up on yourself. You're a loser." (Orange Is the New Black, S02E07)
  • "No one gives a shit about old ladies. We remind everyone that they're gonna die." (Orange Is the New Black, S02E08)
  • Mule Variations! (Orange Is the New Black, S02E09)


Looking forward:

We declined our second-year option on Ray Donovan.

Brazilian Kevin Durant

Fox changed its graphics for MLB telecasts this season and now I can't watch Fox MLB telecasts because all I see is the score bug's tabbed gap, which irritates me to no end.

I just want to reach into the screen and squeeze the two boxes together.


I'm not fond of the typeface for the pitcher's surname either. It looks particularly hideous when a pitcher has a long surname.

ESPN changed its graphics for SportsCenter this week.

I find Bristol's new hotness both too basic and not minimalist enough.

My all-time favourite use of Helvetica on television is the graphics for MTV's Sports and Music Festival 2.

We made up an imaginary scientific facility where odd hybrids and mutant machines were being created, and designed around that concept. The stark white empty graphics tried to go in the opposite direction of how "extreme" sports are usually packaged. [source]

With music by the Dust Brothers!

Get Busy Child

I've decided that Reggie Watts should play Larvelle Jones in Key and Peele's reboot of Police Academy.

Evidently, we weren't made to last.

The '00s: Meg Griffin.

The '00s: The Afterdecade.
The '00s: Talking Decades Past.

The '00s: FAKE!

Idea: A remake of the film Stay Tuned in which two YouTube commenters find themselves trapped inside HellTube, a nightmarish alternative universe run by Satan.

related: Stay Tuned 2 fan fic!

The role of a lifetime.

related: A crossover between Stay Tuned and Twisted Metal?

Nintendo should add Sonic the Hedgehog to Mario Kart 9 and include a track inspired by the half-pipe special stages in Sonic 2.

Reggie Watts as Cadet Larvell Jones
Adam Brody as Cadet Carey Mahoney
Mischa Barton as Cadet Karen Thompson
Ben McKenzie as Cadet Eugene Tackleberry
Melinda Clarke as Sergeant Debbie Callahan
Tate Donovan as Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris
Alan Dale as Commandant Eric Lassard

I would sustain this contempt, but I'd be wasting time again

The bootleggers are winning.

Top 10 lines from Rolling Stone's article on hipster neo-Nazis in Germany

10. He notes, with some resignation, that there is no German word for "hashtag."

9. They pull into the parking lot of a local Ernest Hemingway-themed restaurant and walk into a room crowded with people watching a soccer game.

8. "We've taken over the nipster," he says, giddily, before catching himself. "I mean nationalist hipster, not Nazi hipster."

7. In February, Tim and Kevin started Balaclava Kueche, Germany's first Nazi vegan cooking show.

6. There is now neo-Nazi techno (biggest act: DJ Adolf) and neo-Nazi reggae.

5. Knape is especially proud of his viral-video outreach: last year, his group filmed a "Harlem Shake" video.

4. Such is life as a nipster these days.

3. He also agrees that the Nazi Tumblr style has gotten "more youthful" and "looser."

2. He organizes an annual Live H8 concert, a gathering of neo-Nazi bands that he hopes will "help the mainstreaming of our music" and become "the most extreme Nazi concert" around.

1. He won't elaborate, for legal reasons, but he'll happily share his strong feelings about the series finale of How I Met Your Mother ("The mother dying was a good reminder that the world isn't a great place").

Shoplifter of the World


Rory: How did they do that?
Jon: The fire is computer-generated.
Rory: So he just flailed around…?

Rory: Heh. Visual effects artist: "You want me to do WHAT?"
Jon: Wife of visual effects artist: "How was work today?"

My Brother: Can you give me a ride to the airport tomorrow?
Jon: What time is your flight?
My Brother: 5:30PM.

Ugh. Rush hour.

Jon: Where are you going?
My Brother: New York City.

At 5:30PM PT? What a stupid flight. You arrive at, what, 2:00AM?

Jon: Mickey Rourke, Eric Roberts, Michael Madsen, AND Jeff Fahey?!

Rory: Trivia: "This is the first independent British action film in history to feature not only an all star Hollywood cast list but also dynamic and complex fight sequences." Ah so…

My Mother: Jon, I need your help.
Jon: Okay.
My Mother: My friend is visiting from Taiwan and wants to know where she can buy Ed Hardy gear.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

25. Brienne of Tarth vs. The Hound (Game of Thrones, S04E10)

It's HBO, so "embedding disabled by request."

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "DeMarcus Cousins is an emotional lesbian." (Jimmy Kimmel Live, 06-15-14)
  • Game of Thrones Season Grade: B+
  • "What do those people do, those who have been chosen?"
    "They endure uniqueness."
    "To be alien, to be disenfranchised from those around you, is that not a dreadful curse?"
    "To be different, to be powerful, is that not a divine gift?"
    "To be alone."
    "To be seeking."
    "A lover."
    "Like you?"
    "Who shares your rarity."
    "Then you are no longer unique."
    "Nor are you alone." (Penny Dreadful, S01E06)
  • RT: "The coder gets a botched Black Flag tattoo and it inspires her to write code on a mirror" (Halt and Catch Fire, S01E03)
  • "If she dies, so be it." (24, S09E08)
  • "The only way we can stop this from happening is to find Margot fast, so wake the bitch up." (24, S09E08)
  • Kim Raver's dreadful grieving – "I will never trust you again!" (24, S09E08)
  • RT: "When you think about it, an American president assassinated by a missile in an empty Wembley Stadium would be the most insane story ever" (24, S09E08)
  • RT: "Maron's words to Louis in the bar are word for word what Louis said to Maron on his WTF ep" (Louie, S04E14)
  • Louie Season Grade: C+
  • The used car salesman declined to buy life insurance from Lester in the pilot (Fargo, S01E10)

RT: "It was Billy's idea that Gus shoots him and he appears to be dead and then he sits up with that grimace and smile with the bloody teeth. That was Billy's desire to do it that way" (Fargo, S01E10)

  • Fargo Season Grade: B
  • Scott Aukerman DGAF about shaving (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E07)
  • Orphan Black Season Grade: C+
  • "Prison…is gluten. Don't commit the crime if you can't fuckin' have flour." (Orange Is the New Black, S02E03)

Bad CGI (Orange Is the New Black, S02E03)

  • "Inspector Gadget was not a good detective. He just had a lot of stuff. Plus, he had Penny and the Brain helping him." (Orange Is the New Black, S02E04)
  • "Skip the play. Take her to dinner."
    "What, romantic Indian? Come on…" (Orange Is the New Black, S02E05)
  • "Fuck Clive Owen. Don't ever let go." (Orange Is the New Black, S02E05)
  • "Man, they fuckin' with us this way 'cause they know our people's predisposition for hypertension!" (Orange Is the New Black, S02E05)
  • Gloria's unfazed sons (Orange Is the New Black, S02E05)
  • "We are…Side Boob." (Orange Is the New Black, S02E05)


Eater's Digest: Seattle

le petit cochon / pie bar / crumble and flake / six arms / top pot doughnuts / olympia pizza III / now make me a sandwich / pie / kedai makan / lost lake / roux / hot cakes / king's hardware / americana / the stumbling monk / ivar's

Previously on Adam Riff™:

PB&J Bread Pudding (Miller's Guild)
house made donut with raspberry sauce and vanilla ice cream

PB&J Jalapeno Poppers (Shelter Lounge)
panko breaded jalapeno peppers stuffed with cream cheese and peanut butter. served with a sweet, spicy jelly

Le Petit Cochon is a nose-to-tail restaurant located in an office building. Its website is gettinpiggy.com.

Crispy Duck Feet
chili lime, cilantro yogurt

Tempura Corn Bellies (corn dogs made of pork belly)
ancho honey mustard, pickled leek slaw

Blood and Foie (pictured: the summer version with pecan nutella and a challah crouton)
blood sausage country pate, foie torchon, pear butter, pickled mustard seed vin

Foie Gras Hot Chocolate
donut fritters, pecan butter, rockslamic reduction


Chocolate Pecan Pie (Pie Bar)
whole pecans, pecan pieces, dark chocolate, brown sugar, butter

I effort to try a chocolate pecan pie in every city I visit. This one is aces.

Desserted Island Pie (Pie Bar)
strawberries, raspberries, marionberries, granny smith apples, streusel

…as is this pie.

Blackberry Key Lime Pie (Pie)
Another stupendous pie.

Thanksgetting Sandwich (Now Make Me a Sandwich)
sliced turkey, bacon, cranberry sauce, stuffing, gravy, and rosemary aioli on a grilled telera roll

I'm a little surprised that Seattle-ites allow a food truck named "Now Make Me a Sandwich" to exist.

Crumble and Flake has odd, limited hours, but GOTTDAMN are its pastries worth pursuing.

Smoked Paprika and Cheddar Croissant (Crumble and Flake)
spanish smoked paprika and cheddar cheese inside and out

Pistachio Croissant (Crumble and Flake)
a buttery croissant, split open and brushed with orange flower syrup, then filled and topped with rich pistachio cream

Lemon and Blueberry Macaron (Crumble and Flake)
Mint Julep Macaron (Crumble and Flake)
Milk Chocolate and Cherry Macaron (Crumble and Flake)

Crumble and Flake, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity.

Hot Cakes is known for its molten chocolate cake in a mason jar, but I opted for its

Grilled Chocolate Sandwich (Hot Cakes)
potato bread, dark chocolate ganache, caramel dipping sauce

as I am a big fan of chocolate combined with bread.

Close Encounters of the Food Kind S04E02: Jon happy-hours with Matt and Tina at King's Hardware in Ballard (April 2014)

Matt: $5 for a can of Hamm's and a cheeseburger – HOW do you say no to that?!
Tina: We are happy hour fiends.
Jon: Ah…

Duck Confit Nachos (Americana)
tomatoes, scallions, saint andre cheese sauce

The cheese sauce is hella addictive.

Wikipedia: The fat content of Saint-andré is exceptionally high (about 75%).


Chicken Andouille Sausage Corndogs (Americana)


Pecan Chocolate Croissant (Crumble and Flake)
a chocolate croissant, brushed with coffee syrup, filled and topped with pecan cream, and baked again until toasty and crisp

Smoked Gouda Tater Tots (Americana)

Breakfast Skyline chili! BEER BATTERED SLICE OF PIZZA! (Nacho Borracho)


Johnny Ryall

Why isn't this a television show?

Idea: Stage a music festival in an abandoned shopping mall. It's like a bunch of music venues in one – an enclosed SXSW. Vacant department stores are the main stages and stand-alone stores side stages.

What if you were the only person in Las Vegas?

Oculus Rift Software Idea: Wander around a deserted Las Vegas Strip – not a post-apocalyptic Vegas, but Vegas as is in 2014.

Vacation Bible School

"You Will Never Be Able to Unsee This Guy's INSANE Bathing Suit"


Reality Show Idea: Sweat Lodge. 20 people, one house, summer time in New Orleans, no pool, no fans, no cold water from any faucet – and one window air conditioner up for grabs.

#Selfie is a 2014 Romanian teen film, not to be confused with "#SELFIE" the 2014 song, Selfie the 2014 sitcom, Selfie the 2014 book, or Selfie: The Video Game, one of three selfie-inspired creations at Global Game Jam 2014.

IMDb lists seven films titled Selfie, six of which are dated (2014), and two others of which are stylized #Selfie.

Idea: The Selfies of Dorian Gray. Dorian Gray grows aged and corrupt in selfies while continuing to appear fresh and innocent in person.

Eater's Digest: Atlanta

the general muir / pie shop / illegal food / the food shoppe / victory sandwich bar / fox bros. bar-b-q / gunshow / bell street burritos / crave pie studio / blue fin sushi / local republic / blue rooster bake shop and eatery / golden house / one flew south

The General Muir is a Jewish deli located across the street from the Center for Disease Control.

Avenue A Open Faced Bagel (The General Muir)
nova, schmear, avocado, grapefruit, cucumber, onion, dill

Smoked Hash (The General Muir)
crisped pastrami, potatoes, cabbage, peppers, caramelized onions, sunny eggs

Blueberry Ginger Kugel (The General Muir)

Illegal Food is the kitchen of an arcade bar.

Hand-Cut Double-Fried Okonomiyaki Style Fries (Illegal Food)
japanese mayo, okonomi sauce, fermented chili sauce, bonito flakes, shredded nori, green onion, sesame seed, beni shõga

I did not care for the okonomiyaki toppings, but the fries are quality.

Hand-Cut Double-Fried French Onion Dip Fries (Illegal Food)
Hand-Cut Double-Fried Sriracha Honey Fries (Illegal Food)

(Victory Sandwich Bar)

I couldn't decide among the Jack and Coke Slushie, Jackyl Juice, and Root Canal, so I ordered all three.

Bell Street Burritos' soda fountain dispenses Cheerwine!

Coca-Cola Chess Pie (Pie Shop)

Chocolate Pecan Pie (Fox Bros. Bar-B-Q)
I effort to try a chocolate pecan pie in every city I visit. This one is pretty good and served with cinnamon-flavoured whipped cream.

Gunshow is Top Chef fan favourite Kevin Gillespie's dim sum concept. You accept or pass on dishes circulated by the chef who cooked the food.

the menu for the day I visited

The special that day was West Coast Burger, a fancy In-N-Out animal style Double-Double.

Key Lime Pie Taken Apart and Put Back Together (Gunshow)
Best pie I ate in Atlanta.

Mr. Jones Burger (Local Republic)
pimento cheese, jalapeno, bacon

Taco Bell should add pimento cheese to its ingredients. Imagine: a pimento loco taco, a pimento quesadilla, pimento nachos…

Pizza Hut pimento stuffed crust.


Please, Waffle House, update your logo. I implore you. It's painful to look at.

One Flew South is regarded as one of the best airport restaurants in America.

While I only tried its

Pulled Duck Sandwich (One Flew South)
duck confit, fig and toasted peanut relish, scallions, slaw

I believe the hype.


Chef's Breakfast (One Eared Stag)
four small portions of whatever the kitchen is feeling artfully arranged on a shiny silver tray with a can of schlitz

Gobbler Sandwich (Muss and Turner's)
roasted turkey, ritz cracker stuffing, lingonberry coulis, thyme aioli, french bun

Churro Bread Pudding (Takorea)
hot chocolate sauce

Krispy Kreme Milkshake (FLIP Burger Boutique)
Foie Gras Milkshake (FLIP Burger Boutique)

Jalapeño Cherry Pie with Bacon Streusel (Crave Pie Studio)
Pineapple Habanero Pie with Coconut Macadamia Crumb (Crave Pie Studio)

$9 All-You-Can-Eat Pie Bar (Sway)

If you can't tell, I am obsessed with pie.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

24. Nosebleed (Veep, S03E09)

Honourable Mention

  • Donkey Kong (Enlisted, S01E11)
  • Tracking Shot (Game of Thrones, S04E09)
  • Drone Pursuit (24, S09E07)

Stray Observations

  • In the Flesh Season Grade: C+
  • Parker Young's Bill Cosby impression (Enlisted, S01E11)
  • Knock-off "Black Skinhead" instrumental (Enlisted, S01E11)
  • "What will happen the next time the mob comes?" (Cosmos, S01E13)
  • Cosmos Season Grade: C+

Naked Eva Green humping air (Penny Dreadful, S01E05)

  • "Post-script: Your father loves you very much and would do anything to save you. But I love you in a different way. I love you enough to kill you." (Penny Dreadful, S01E05)
  • "Siri, why does God allow suffering?" (Veep, S03E09)
  • "Violence solves everything." (Veep, S03E09)
  • "Someone has just flown two planes into my career." (Veep, S03E09)
  • "Thornhill, Chung, and Maddox are continuing on for now."
    "Oh, those fuckers. God, can't we just take 'em out? Is Jack Ruby still alive?" (Veep, S03E10)
  • "The fuck stops here, Dan." (Veep, S03E10)
  • "Jesus. If I come in third, this could be the shortest administration in history."
    "Yeah, like a Snapchat presidency." (Veep, S03E10)
  • "I came in third, Amy, okay? Even the Nazis came in second." (Veep, S03E10)
  • Veep Season Grade: A-

Extras (24, S09E07)

  • Jack drives a left hand drive car in London (24, S09E07)
  • RT: "Jack Bauer punched a random man out and stole his car, and then stole a brick from a homeless person. Out-of-context 24 is great" (24, S09E07)
  • RT: "They should have a web series about people who have been Bauered trying to make claims to their insurance companies" (24, S09E07)
  • RT: "Have [an Allstate commercial] with Logan's limo driver after Jack Robocops them. And then the cut away to President Palmer just shaking his head. 'When Jack Bauer shouts 'You have to trust me!' you'd better have Allstate'" (24, S09E07)
  • "Weezy's basically a Jew in the bedroom."
    "Oh, you mean she wears a wig and makes you do it through a hole in the sheet?" (Fargo, S01E09)
  • "See you later, Lester. See you soon." (Fargo, S01E09)
  • "No good ever came from a piece of cherry pie." (Fargo, S01E09)

(Comedy Bang! Bang!, S03E06)

  • Vice Season Grade: C+
  • "As long as no one finds a body, we're clear, so we dump him in the lake – with weights."
    "Do we have a boat?! Have you ever seen Dexter? I mean, random scuba divers are finding everything!" (Orphan Black, S02E09)
  • "She thinks there's five of you."
    "There's eleven, esé!" (Orphan Black, S02E09)
  • "Smile! Have a shitty day!" (Orphan Black, S02E09)
  • "Would you like horse baby? Cow baby…" (Orphan Black, S02E09)
  • Insemination syringe butt rape! (Orphan Black, S02E09)


Without Grady

Oh I need a Breeze card for a day pass?

Oh. I need a Breeze card for any rail fare.

I need a second wallet just for public transportation cards is what I need.

"This is a 2014 SmarTrip card, mint condition."

Oh, there's another Peachtree Street. Parallel Peachtree Streets?!

Wikipedia: There are 71 streets in Atlanta with a variant of "Peachtree" in their name.

They're like George Foreman's kids.

Midtown MARTA Station

"Excuse me. I live in Augusta, and my car was booted…"

A single fare is $2.50. I give him $3.00.

"A Breeze card is $1.00…"

I glare at him.

"It's okay. I'll get $0.50 from someone else."

In retrospect, MARTA rail doesn't even travel to tourist attractions in Atlanta, let alone the Georgia/South Carolina border.

Jackson St SE

On my way to dinner, I encounter a man standing on a street corner shooting the breeze with someone on his mobile.

"Hold on. [to me] Excuse me. Can you help me out with rail fare?"

The nearest station is half a mile away. I give him $1.00. He resumes shooting breeze.

Peachtree St NE

On my way back to my hotel, I pass a young man chilling on a sidewalk.

"Ey yo, girl."

Wait, was he cat-calling me (not asking for money)? He…mistook me for a girl with a shaved head?

I was in Atlanta for my cousin Emily's wedding, cousin 17 of 18. KCAL9's Leyna Nguyen gave the first toast. She used to babysit the groom.

Oh no… He's donning on an afro wig and shiny silver jacket.

Pokémon Brown

I just finished reading The Boy Who Couldn't Sleep and Never Had To by DC Pierson, a young adult/science fiction exploration of friendship.

I try super-hard not to sleep in any classes just to prove that hey, look, I can do it too. If somebody were shadowing me around school today, they wouldn't see me close my eyes, either, though they would see me get more and more irritable and death-resembling and every so often they would see my eyelids bang together involuntarily for just a half a moment longer than a blink is, as my head dips down just slightly until I pull it back up and in my head yell at my eyelids and neck for being so fucking weak. [51]

It's weird to think that once I'm out of high school, that will have been high school. Like, the high school years, the ones everybody gets, those will have been mine, written in stone, unalterable forever. [179]

Idea: A button on airplanes that, when pushed, forces every seat on board into its upright position.

Traditional Chex Mix, original Pringles, but almond M&Ms?

Isn't "birthday and/or cake" flavour just vanilla?

Idea: Bacon glazed with birthday frosting.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

23. The Perfect Equation (Silicon Valley, S01E08)

"Embedding disabled by request."

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • No Keaton Henson song! (In the Flesh, S02E05)
  • "She wasn't made for outdoor use. Those colors do run!" (Enlisted, S01E10)
  • "I'm kinda over the whole downstairs shaving thing. I mean, if I'm honest, it's a good look. It's sleek, it actually adds an optic inch…" (Enlisted, S01E10)
  • "Come, Reek, I'll be needing a bath." (Game of Thrones, S04E08)
  • "Poison's a woman's weapon. Men kill with steel." (Game of Thrones, S04E08)

(Game of Thrones, S04E08)

  • A Dorian Gray orgy! (Penny Dreadful, S01E04)
  • Kara Swisher (Silicon Valley, S01E08)
  • Silicon Valley Season Grade: C+
  • "People don't elect elves, okay? They put them to work in grottos or they get them drunk at frat parties so they can toss them."
    "Okay, that's dwarves." (Veep, S03E08)
  • "No, don't look at the twitch. Focus on the dead dad lady!" (Veep, S03E08)
  • "Are they loopholes or are they legitimate holes?" (Veep, S03E08)
  • "We all want to live above the hole." (Veep, S03E08)
  • Leslie is Melissa Joan Hart's stepfather (MasterChef, S05E02)
  • Lamb meatloaf with couscous, blue cheese sauce, and chili flakes (MasterChef, S05E02)
  • Caribbean meatloaf with lemongrass, soy sauce, and mango (MasterChef, S05E02)
  • Aksel Hennie slumming it as a guest star (24, S04E09)
  • "Everybody in this part of western Brooklyn is already dead. Everybody in this part of Brooklyn will be dead by four o'clock tomorrow." (Louie, S04E09)
  • "Don't get caught by AIDS." (Louie, S04E10)
  • "This would be rape if you weren't so stupid. God, you can't even rape well!" (Louie, S04E10)
  • "Don't you 'Mrs. Hess' me. I was picking your pubes out of my teeth 12 hours ago." (Fargo, S01E08)
  • "I let you cum inside of me!" (Fargo, S01E08)
  • "You're unemployed now, by the way." (Fargo, S01E08)
  • IceJJFish! (Loiter Squad, S03E04)
  • Free association: Tony = Lance on Portlandia (Orphan Black, S02E08)
  • "Helium is way funnier than polonium." (Orphan Black, S02E08)