We were walking as zombies on over to the church of John Coltrane

The Fast and the Furious with wheelbarrows.

I just finished reading Shovel Ready by Adam Sternbergh, about a garbage man-turned-hit man in post-apocalyptic New York City. A sequel is in the works.

It's hokey but it's true. You learn things hauling trash.

Lesson one. Don't buy cheap bags. They always tear. If not in your hands, then in mine. No discount bag ever went to its grave without being loudly cursed along the way.

Lesson two. There is nothing, and no one, that you will become attached to in this life that you will not one day discard.

Or they discard you.

Or you die.

Those are the only outcomes.

Lesson three.

You'll leave a trail of trash on this Earth that will far exceed anything of worth you leave behind. For every ounce of heirloom, you'll leave a ton of landfill.

Your real legacy will be buried in a dump somewhere.

And the richer you are, the more trash you leave behind.

After the first attacks, the ones on 9/11, so they tell me, they took the rubble of the towers to a landfill.

Fresh Kills.

Sifted through it, searching for bodies. Bits of bodies. Bits of bits. Did their best and found what they could and left the rest of it there, buried.

True story.

Landfill became a graveyard.

The landfill doesn't care.

Never more than a whisper of difference between them to begin with. [61-62]

Rick is fortysomething, but he's smoked himself older. [78]

I may have once had some thin faith in something like cosmic justice, but now I believe in box-cutters. [153]

Spademan, stop it. It's suicide.

I shrug.

Here's the part I can't explain to Mark.

It's been a long time since I needed to do something.

I've done a lot of things, but not out of need.

And I've learned there are a lot of ways, and ugly places, where things can end.

Backyards. Garbage bags. Subway trains.

Most people don't get to choose. [188-189]

Evil Heart

For the second time this year, my services were no longer needed in New York City. Fine by me.

[checks bay area weather forecast]

91° on Wednesday and Thursday?!

A regional transit day pass costs $9. Requires an ORCA card. ORCA cards cost $5.

But I don't need an ORCA card! I'm only in Seattle for four days! How broke is King County Metro Transit?

One day later: Hi. Can you break a five for me? Only if I buy something?

Two days later: Bollocks. I'm short a quarter. It's 2014! Why don't buses accept credit cards?

[pays $2.50 bus fare with three one dollar bills, receives no change]

I wonder how Washington's tourism office feels about King County Metro Transit's tyranny.

Oh. Heh. Washington eliminated its tourism office in 2011.

Lyft just launched in Louisville and is advertising unlimited free rides for two weeks.

Ever the opportunist, I travel to an ice cream shop via Lyft. My driver is a jovial bloke, and I am his first-ever passenger.

I check my mobile after he drops me off.

Consider a donation of $13.


I expected to be asked to tip for my free ride, but a $13 "donation"? If you advertise free rides, shouldn't you be able to comfortably cover the cost of all the free rides you're offering?

I decrease the donation amount to $3 – a 20%-plus tip – and am informed that low donations may make it hard for me to get rides in the future.


Philanthropic blackmail.

I end up donating $5, rationalizing that I just won't use Lyft again. If I receive a low rating from my driver, so be it.

I wrestle with guilt the rest of the afternoon. What if $5 is all he earns? What kind of maiden passenger am I? But….."free"!

I travel back to my hotel via uberX.

I saw a man getting his hair cut in a barber shop inside Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport.

I want to know the reasoning behind branding newsstands in airports with cable news networks – CNN, CNBC, Fox News. What cachet do they add?

Are there liberals who will not buy snacks from a Fox News-branded newsstand?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

17. Conflict Resolution (Fargo, S01E02)

Honourable Mention

  • Second Manimal Attack (Hannibal, S02E09)

Stray Observations

  • Gay electric light and a pair of rubbers (Cosmos, S01E07)
  • "How can a man not keep ale in his home?" (Game of Thrones, S04E03)
  • "You know, Hitler actually played the bassoon, so technically, Hitler was the Hitler of music." (Silicon Valley, S01E03)
  • Dead Clippy (Silicon Valley, S01E03)
  • "I want to tell real stories about real people, okay? I'm like John Steinbeck in that regard, you know? Or Denzel Washington." (Veep, S03E03)

(Archer, S05E13)

  • Archer Season Grade: C
  • "That's the great thing about taxidermy – it goes with everything." (Bates Motel, S02E08)

(Face Off, S06E15)

  • Yay Rashaad (Face Off, S06E15)
  • Face Off Season Grade: C
  • Story by Oliver North (The Americans, S02E09)
  • "Obviously, we're no Akron. I mean, we're more like Dayton. But, with your help, we can become Toledo." (Parks and Recreation, S06E21)
  • "Wait, I'm on Endor!" (Parks and Recreation, S06E21)
  • Ginuwine: "Lil Sebastian, this one is for you, because you're, my, pony!" (Parks and Recreation, S06E22)
  • Letters to Cleo reunion (Parks and Recreation, S06E22)
  • Yo La Tengo as Bobby Knight Rider (Parks and Recreation, S06E22)
  • "I just had the best Italian meal I've ever had in my life, and I've been to Dallas." (Parks and Recreation, S06E22)
  • Parks and Recreation Season Grade: B-

(Hannibal, S02E09)

  • "Guns lack intimacy."
    "You set an event in motion with a gun; you don't complete it." (Hannibal, S02E09)
  • "Typhoid and swans – it all comes from the same place." (Hannibal, S02E09)


Choad Work Ahead / Road Head

Which Wu-Tang-Clan-themed poutine are you?

I'm a Pinky Ring.

The Black Lodge is a Twin Peaks-themed vegetarian restaurant in Vancouver, BC.

Portland Craft is a Portland, OR-inspired restaurant in Vancouver, BC. On the menu: A small pickle plate called "We Can Pickle That," and a fried chicken and waffle platter called "Put a Bird on It."

Transylvanian Traditions is a bakery in Vancouver, BC. Its tagline is "The heaven of desserts."

A jambalaya with bacon and black bean salsa? (Cactus Club Cafe)

"biodynamic aged risotto" (Farmer's Apprentice)

Pulled Pork Doughnuts (Twisted Fork Bistro)
"tossed in sea salt with pulled pork juices"

Perogy Poutine (Smoke's Poutinerie)

• Bamboo-Charcoal Dark Miso Ramen (Motomachi Shokudo)
The charcoal powder is said to clean toxins from the body.

Raw Vegan Avocado Key Lime Pie (The Pie Hole)

If JJ Bean and L.L. Bean mated… Jelly Bean.

Keep Vancouver Spectacular

So this is a real thing.

At lunch with Pinder, he notes that tomorrow is a holiday in Canada. It's Good Friday.

Huh. He was serious about Good Friday being a holiday. Good Friday is a national holiday in Canada?!

Good Friday is a national holiday in Canada, but Thanksgiving is not.

Man, chip-and-PIN credit cards, Good Friday off… What else?

What time is it? 8:40pm. Hmm… And the film is at 10:40pm. I think I have enough time to eat dinner in Chinatown.

I rush out of the lobby of my hotel, glance backward to see if any buses are approaching, and [THUNK] briskly walk face first into a pole.

As I type this, my left eyebrow is still swollen.

I reach the cineplex early and kill time in a nearby supermarket, where I encounter

calamari and tzatziki-flavoured potato chips.

I buy a bag to try.

Entering the cineplex, my ticket-taker informs me that no outside food is allowed.

Oh, I'm not gonna eat these during the film. They're for later.

Okay, well, if anyone sees you eating them, you will be kicked out.

I look at my ticket-taker's badge. Name: Bill. Favourite film: A Serbian Film.

At first I was like, "TimePlay? [groan]," but then I was like, "Fuckin' TimePlay. How does it work?"

Chip-and-PIN credit cards, Good Friday off, TimePlay.

Kamloops is sneaky difficult to pronounce.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

16. Goodnight Sweet King (Game of Thrones, S04E02)

"Embedding disabled by request."

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

(Bob's Burgers, S04E17)

  • "Pony Danza." (Bob's Burgers, S04E17)
  • "What's the capital of Horse Valley?"
    "Salt Lick City." (Bob's Burgers, S04E17)
  • Sigur Rós! (Game of Thrones, S04E02)
  • Joffrey gonging Sigur Rós (Game of Thrones, S04E02)
  • "God, I hate Palo Alto." (Silicon Valley, S01E02)
  • "In the hands of the enlightened, hate can be a tool for great change." (Silicon Valley, S01E02)
  • "Mushroom stamp." (Silicon Valley, S01E02)
  • "I don't think that the CEO of Microsoft has paid best friend."
    "Sergey Brin does. Larry doesn't do shit." (Silicon Valley, S01E02)
  • "He's as pointless as Mass Effect 3's multiple endings."
    "Mass Effect 3? Harsh." (Silicon Valley, S01E02)
  • "He rode his bike to San Jose? (Silicon Valley, S01E02)
  • "So you're like the VP of spite?" (Silicon Valley, S01E02)
  • "Sue, apologies, we will continue our pleasant chat at a later date. Abortion calls." (Veep, S03E02)
  • "This is Jonah Ryan, and you are witnessing the birth of Ryantology. I am gonna be updating more than I'm actually dating, which is a shitload." (Veep, S03E02)
  • "Jesus, what a talking gas giant. It's like listening to Jupiter." (Veep, S03E02)
  • "Fuck HuffPo! They should be called 'PuffHo,' because Arianna Huffington is a straight up ho and all they do is puff pieces." (Veep, S03E02)
  • "I will break your legs so severely, you will end up normal height." (Veep, S03E02)

(Mad Men, S07E01)

  • Canter's! (Mad Men, S07E01)
  • RT: I love that Mad Men is now a show about how much happier people are when they move to LA (Mad Men, S07E01)
  • "Cyril's just the Vader to your Palpatine."
    "Is that a reference I should get?"
    "Well, I'm sorry, Lana. I didn't go to rabbinical school."
    "It's from… Never mind. But, spoiler alert: Vader ends up killing Palpatine."
    "But only for three days, right? And then he moves the rock and comes out of his cave stronger than ever."
    "Then he shuts off the tractor beam releasing the Jews from captivity."
    "Yes, now that sounds familiar. Gospel of Luke?" (Archer, S05E12)

(Rick and Morty, S01E11)

  • Guest starring Degrassi's Aislinn Paul and Cassie Steele! (Rick and Morty, S01E11)
  • Rick and Morty Season Grade: A-
  • "Man, I can't wait until I'm 18 so I can pick the way my place smells." (Bates Motel, S02E07)
  • Triple H saying "believe in Evolution" in Alabama (WWE Raw, 04-14-14)
  • "Honey roast." (New Girl, S03E21)
  • "Should we all try to live inside a peach or is that weird?" (New Girl, S03E21)
  • "Son, she compared you to a clam." (Fargo, S01E01)

(Fargo, S01E01)

  • "Norway fuckin' sucks! Kentucky rules!" (Workaholics, S04E13)
  • "Fat as John Candy and not half as cool." (Workaholics, S04E13)
  • Workaholics Season Grade: C+
  • Community Season Grade: C+
  • "That's Dan Savage." (Portlandia, S04E08)
  • "There all is aching." (Review, S01E07)
  • "I like carbonara, but, you know…"
    "Would you fight for one?"
    "No. I mean, Italian food's nice, but it's not like… I'd fight for a curry."
    "I'd fight for a seafood linguine." (The Trip to Italy, S02E03)
  • "Peter, is your social worker in that horse?" (Hannibal, S02E08)
  • Felix in assless chaps (Orphan Black, S02E01)
  • Alison's bedazzled rape whistle (Orphan Black, S02E01)


The Hajj

"What is the purpose of your visit?"
"Uhh… To see the third Trailer Park Boys film at a cinema?"

I used to think a WWE work schedule was glamorous – you know, being in a different city every night – but now, just looking at that map exhausts me.

At least I get to spend time in my two favourite cities in the world.

Vancouver: April 15-19
Seattle: April 19-23
Chicago: April 23-24
Louisville: April 24-26
New York City: April 26-May 2?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

15. Paul Heyman addresses the end of The Undertaker's streak (WWE Raw, 04-07-14)

"The best promo in the history of Raw."

"The greatest promo of all time."

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "It was just two small coincidences."
    "That's what I call my testicles." (Bob's Burgers, S04E16)
  • Linda's psychic noise (Bob's Burgers, S04E16)
  • "Are they confused why Jerry Lewis is calling?" (Bob's Burgers, S04E16)
  • "Everybody sounds like Sandy Duncan to you, mom. Sandy Duncan this, Sandy Duncan that…" (Bob's Burgers, S04E16)
  • "No straight woman wears Adidas." (Shameless, S04E12)
  • "Why didn't you tell me you had a grandfather?"
    "He doesn't have wifi." (Shameless, S04E12)
  • Jimmy/Steve/Jack! (Shameless, S04E12)
  • Shameless Season Grade: A-

(Game of Thrones, S04E01)

  • "Every party in Silicon Valley ends up like a Hasidic wedding." (Silicon Valley, S01E01)
  • "This is Silicon Valley, not….Paris, Texas." (Silicon Valley, S01E01)
  • "It's weird. They always travel in groups of five. These programmers, there's always a tall skinny white guy, a short skinny Asian guy, fat guy with a ponytail, some guy with crazy facial hair, and then an East Indian guy. It's like they trade guys until they all have the right group." (Silicon Valley, S01E01)
  • "Thank you, Dan. FUCK YOU, DAN!" (Veep, S03E01)
  • "That bag of wrist slits got the nomination?" (Veep, S03E01)
  • "All my orgasms have come at once." (Veep, S03E01)
  • "Bray's gonna kill you" chant (WWE Raw, 04-07-14)
  • The crowd chanting for "3MB" at Kane, Batista, and Orton (WWE Raw, 04-07-14)
  • Amir Johnson is the guest judge? (Top Chef Canada, S04E05)
  • "Calm down, Colonel Panic." (Archer, S05E11)
  • "Mike Ducockless!" (Archer, S05E11)
  • "Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please."
    "White people. Nononono! Black people. And Hispanic on half." (Rick and Morty, S01E10)
  • "Did you ever consider that, Tokyo Drift?" (From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E05)
  • "This may as well be a slow night in the champagne room for how comfortably erect I'm gonna be watching your bitch ass squirm about." (Justified, S05E13)
  • Not Jimmy! (Justified, S05E13)
  • "So what are you gonna do now, Boyd?"
    "Well, John F. Kennedy said, 'Effort and courage don't mean anything without purpose and direction.' I don't have either, so I'll probably be laying low for a little while." (Justified, S05E13)
  • Justified Season Grade: C+
  • "Squeeze your anus." (The Americans, S02E07)
  • "Is it him?"
    "Am I who?"
    "What is a bundle of sticks? What do you consider a bundle of sticks?" (Workaholics, S04E12)
  • "PopoZãos everywhere." (Workaholics, S04E12)
  • "Press stop on Dave Matthews." (Community, S05E12)
  • "I don't drink alcohol from that portion of the colour spectrum." (Parks and Recreation, S06E19)
  • One week after appearing on Portlandia, Jeff Tweedy appears on Parks and Recreation (Parks and Recreation, S06E19)
  • "LaMarcus Woman." (Portlandia, S04E07)
  • YTMND'd: "I'M GONNA KILL YOU WITH MY DICK!!!" (Review, S01E06)
  • "He's jealous of MY balls." (Kitchen Nightmares, S06E01)
  • "Bing bong rollie jays." (Saturday Night Live, S39E18)


We take the love we feel we earn and leave the rest to burn


Idea: A disaster wipes out 99% of humanity on Earth, and all the male survivors are gingers.

Live Thog: Brick Mansions Trailer

This is similar to Banlieue 13. Did Luc Besson remake his own film?

Yes, yes he did – and with David Belle reprising his role in Banlieue 13!

I know that Banlieue 13 is noted for its parkour, and that David Belle is the founder of parkour, but why would a French dude be living in Detroit's projects? Surely there are Arabs who are adept at parkour.

The director of 13 Tzameti also remade his own film in English.

The Horizon Has Been Defeated

for when I visit Adam Robot this summer

Rory: You want to open a dance studio?
Jon: I feel like it would be easy money. Low investment, high reward. All I need is a space, some mirrors, a handrail, and a teacher.
Rory: Heh. And demand for dance lessons.
Jon: That too, yes. But when business is slow, I can throw some mats on the floor and boom – instant karate studio!

Jon: Combination dance and karate studio. No, combination dance and yoga studio. I don't want to have to spend money on belts and cinder blocks in addition to mats.

Jon: You think someone who can teach both dance and karate exists?

I am wasted but I'm ready

This week thus far on late night television:

Tonight: The Lighter Side of… Retirement

Tomorrow: Here we go with another ridiculous MAD Fall-on

Tweets about Jeopardy! regularly appear in my timeline, and for a long time, I wondered why.

—What's up with all the Jeopardy! tweets? I can't remember the last time I watched.

Then I lived in New York City and realized that there is nothing good on television when Jeopardy! airs on the east coast. Jeopardy! is something decent to watch before primetime programming begins.

On the west coast, when Jeopardy! is on, so is primetime programming.


"I don't want a girlfriend," he said. "I'm totally happy and satisfied with my life right now. Check this out."

He reached under his bed and pulled out a long, glass bong. He held it out to me.

"Look what I did. I modified it," he said proudly.

I took it from him and looked closer. There was something stuffed into the mouthpiece.

"Is that a Fleshlight?" I asked.

"Yeah, I glued it in there. I hot glued it."

"So you smoke weed through a bong that has a fake vaginal opening at the end? You put your mouth on the vagina and take bong rips?"

"Yeah, totally. The smoke can still squeeze through it. I also have sex with it a lot."

I quickly handed the monstrosity back to him.

"Like I said, I don't want a girlfriend. I have everything I need right here," he said. He looked lovingly at the bong and kissed the fleshy mound before carefully sliding it back under his bed.

I left shortly after that. I had a really bad stomach ache.

As I drove home, I realized that I hadn't thought to inspect the bong more thoroughly to see what liquid was in the bottom of it. I was thankful that I hadn't. [source]

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

14. The Best Part Is Going Home (Portlandia, S04E06)


Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "How do we get out?"
    "I think I know how, but it's a little dangerous."
    "Like 'sandwiches with toothpicks in them' dangerous?"
    "Even more dangerous than that."
    "Like eating a bomb?"
    "Blh–in between." (Bob's Burgers, S04E15)
  • Rape attempt on Carl! (The Walking Dead, S04E16)
  • The Walking Dead Season Grade: C
  • "Maybe she's your real mom." (Shameless, S04E11)
  • "At millions of g's, even light bows to gravity." (Cosmos, S01E04)
  • "We've got the whole Breakfast Club in here. I'm Emilio Estevez. Cyril's obviously Anthony Michael Nerd. Mother, you're Paul Gleason. Krieger's the loose cannon Judd Nelson. And Lana, you're…umm…"
    "Wait, seriously? Molly Ringwald."
    "So, what, you think I'm…Ally Sheedy?!"
    "Are you all just saying random words?" (Archer, S05E10)
  • "If I die out there, I want a coffin that looks like an Air Jordan shoebox, and I want the priest to be Bokeem Woodbine." (Chozen, S01E10)
  • "Assassin's Creed is bullshit!" (Chozen, S01E10)
  • Chozen Season Grade: C+
  • "I'm looking for Bryan Fuller." – inside television! (Bates Motel, S02E05)
  • Having sex to Drake! (Bates Motel, S02E05)
  • "That is a silver tongue."
    "I know I got a boner." (Justified, S05E12)
  • "The anus is on you." (Justified, S05E12)
  • "Worldstar!" (Justified, S05E12)
  • "That party's full of sophomores. Those women have lived." (Modern Family, S05E19)
  • "Just 'cause you light-skinned, that don't make you a doctor." (Workaholics, S04E11)
  • Keri Russell's naked backside! (The Americans, S02E06)
  • Reagan! (The Americans, S02E06)
  • "I did DJ a little back in the day. I had a show called Zoot Suit Wyatt." (Parks and Recreation, S06E18)
  • Donna dated Coach K! (Parks and Recreation, S06E18)
  • "I only listen to CDs. It's the way music like this was meant to be heard." (Parks and Recreation, S06E18)
  • Greg Pikitis! (Parks and Recreation, S06E18)
  • Jeff Tweedy! (Portlandia, S04E06)

(Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E06)

  • Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule Season Grade: C+
  • "Jude Law's 40-plus."
    "He doesn't look it, does he? He hasn't aged like you and I."
    "Well, he's balding."
    "Yeah, but he's got that face."
    "Yeah, he's got that really young bald look." (The Trip to Italy, S02E01)
  • "I can Hardy understand what he's saying." (The Trip to Italy, S02E01)
  • "Game's very good for you. It's the equivalent of eating Mo Farah." (The Trip to Italy, S02E01)
  • "There's a common emotion we all recognize and…not yet named – the happy anticipation of being able to feel contempt." (Hannibal, S02E06)
  • "They're varicose vines." (Hannibal, S02E06)
  • "He is attracted to medical and psychological fields because they offer power over man. Cannibalism…cannibalism is an act of dominance." (Hannibal, S02E06)
  • "Last time someone rang my doorbell this early, it was a census taker." – Silence of the Lambs reference! (Hannibal, S02E06)


Eine Kleine Nachtmusik

I've been listening to disc one of Michael Jackson's HIStory a lot while driving.

Some thoughts:

1. "Billie Jean"

Idea: "Billie Jean '14."

@Billie_Jean is not my lover
She's just a guy who claims that I am the one
But the pic is not my junk

People always told me be careful of what you do
Don't go around sharing private parts

I fancy myself as a millennial Frank Jacobs.

3. "Black Or White"

How does anyone not fast forward through the minute-long bootleg Macaulay Culkin/George Wendt prologue?

How did George Wendt get that role? Was John Candy unavailable?

John Candy's death is one of the few celebrity deaths to jar me. John Candy, Phil Hartman, Chris Benoit. I remember where I was when I learned that John Candy died — renting The Bodyguard on laserdisc.


This song features both a bridge and a rapper guest spot. Normally, in a pop song, isn't a rapper guest spot also the bridge?

I wonder what the first pop song to feature a rapper was.

6. "Bad"

Your butt is mine – Best opening lyric ever?

Imagine a 66-year-old Michael Jackson singing Your butt is mine at Coachella.

Michael doesn't provide any examples of how bad he is. The lyrics are empty posturing. This song is all Quincy. Dat rhythm guitar!

Michael on The Dirty Dozens: "Your mama's so bad, she's really really bad."

Ain't nothing bad about an organ solo.

We can change the world tomorrow
This could be a better place
If you don't like what I'm saying
Then won't you slap my face

Who would disagree that the world could be a better place?

Michael speaks softly; "Bad" is his big stick.

10. "Beat It"

"Beat It" is odd, a song about being a dove presented in a hawkish manner. Michael sings with such urgency about pacifism.

5. "She's Out Of My Life"
7. "I Just Can't Stop Loving You"
11. "The Girl Is Mine"

I don't care for Michael's… "Ballads" is the wrong word. Softer songs? His softer songs are snoozefests to me.

12. "Remember The Time"

Michael's riffing over the chorus in the final third of this song is sublime. So raw and soulful.

13. "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough"

Michael's voice is kinda unrecognisable here.

Now I want to listen to "Canned Heat" by Jamiroquai.

15. "Heal The World"

Why did Michael leave "Smooth Criminal" off HIStory?

Bonus disc two thoughts:

2. "They Don't Care About Us"

The instrumental is straight fire.

Idea: A mash-up of "They Don't Care About Us" and "Black Skinhead."

Blame it on the Tetons

Goat Simulator is a video game in which the player controls a goat. There does not appear to be any kind of storyline or plot. The player is free to explore the game's world as a goat, destroying things in the environment, running, jumping, and licking.

"Goat Simulator is like an old school skating game, except instead of being a skater, you're a goat, and instead of doing tricks, you wreck stuff," explained the game's creators. [source]

Oh, and it features a goat Iron Throne.

Sitting on the Infernal Throne turns the goat into King of the Goats and gives him the ability to "summon peasants" which makes goats rain from the skies.