Fire consumes all. Water cleanses.

[flips through local alt-weekly]

Events calendar. Cello Joe?

Cello Joe
Cello Joe is a dude in flip flops and a fedora, with a mic, a loop pedal and, of course, a cello. He combines these three instruments to make some pretty weird music-think hip-hop cello with hippy-dippy lyrics about the harmfulness of materialism, luxury cars and television. [source]


Wait, could this be… Is this Joey Chang?

[googles "cello joe"]

Yup, it's him.

Joey was two years ahead of me in K-12, and, as a cellist myself, I orbited his notoriety. Last I heard, he spent his days post-high school playing a cello on the sidewalks of downtown Palo Alto.

"What is he doing with his life?" I wondered.

Odd family, the Changs. Asian father, white mother. Square older brother guest-lectured in my eighth grade science class. Younger sister ran away to Seattle with a Mexican dude during high school.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

13. Bike messenger Spyke gets a car (Portlandia, S04E05)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Beefer Sutherland" (Bob's Burgers, S04E14)
  • "A nice thick layer of chocolate squares make up the base, couple of handfuls of crushed pretzels, top it all off with marshmallows, and voilà! Teddy Brûlée." (Bob's Burgers, S04E14)
  • "Oh that jet is right on my back. Ohh, that's a lumbar paradise." (Bob's Burgers, S04E14)
  • "This is an erection-free bus." (Total Divas, S02E02)
  • RT: "why doesn't anybody on the walking dead ride a goddamn bike?" (The Walking Dead, S04E15)
  • Glenn and Maggie – Desmond and Penny they ain't (The Walking Dead, S04E15)
  • Carl Grimes: Post-Apocalyptic Litterer (The Walking Dead, S04E15)
  • Robert Hooke is The Penguin? Gru? (Cosmos, S01E03)
  • The History of Fish (Cosmos, S01E03)
  • "Sweetie, let mommy do her drug dealing." (Shameless, S04E10)
  • "Are you robbing me with my own fuckin' gun?" (Shameless, S04E10)
  • "Hannah, you got into Iowa. You fucking go." (Girls, S03E12)
  • Girls Season Grade: C+
  • Christian Slater (Archer, S05E09)
  • "You are a timid man, Cyril."
    "What? No, I'm not."
    "Dude, your balls are made of pussy." (Archer, S05E09)
  • "If we did sleep together, you'd remember." (Bates Motel, S02E04)
  • "Some voids can't be filled with Jamba Juice." (Rick and Morty, S01E09)
  • "Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded."
    "Ooh. Oh boy, Rick. I don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know."
    "Uhh, Morty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. I'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded."
    "Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that feel like they're doing the right thing."
    "Well, that's retarded." (Rick and Morty, S01E09)

(WWE Raw, 03-24-14)

(From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E03)

  • "I sent him a bunch of drunk texts last night."
    "Oh dear Lord… 'I miss the way that your hands smell'? Did you write an entire Jewel song in here?" (New Girl, S03E20)
  • "I always thought I'd move back to Portland."
    "Oh. Portland, Earth?"
    "It's like friendly San Francisco." (New Girl, S03E20)
  • "The name of my first-born child has to be Reginald VelJohnson." (New Girl, S03E20)
  • Nick likes Circa Survive (New Girl, S03E20)
  • "You can't handle the me!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E22)
  • Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season Grade: B
  • "Could I just quickly point out our luxury bath service, sir? We have five outrageously decadent baths that I can prepare for you at a moment's notice. I should just point out, though, that our Pharoah's Fantasy does take a dash longer, normally, because our Nubian lives off-site." (Modern Family, S05E18)
  • "I'm a shaving butler up on Plus." (Modern Family, S05E18)
  • "That's probably the Cuban I ordered for you." (Modern Family, S05E18)
  • "If I'm not Bowser, I'm definitely freakin' Wario. I'm no bitch ass Toad."
    "I'm not even in the same game as you bitches. I'm in Diddy Kong Racing, baby."
    "Wait a second. If we're changing games, I'm Pierce Brosnan in 007." (Workaholics, S04E10)
  • RT: "I was kind of surprised they went there with the sound. I can't really recall another scene in a TV drama where a character shits, but it's played naturally, without comedy. So kudos to the foley person for their shit work." (The Americans, S02E05)
  • RT: "Philip doesn't believe in double wiping." (The Americans, S02E05)

Arnold Schwarzenegger does the stanky legg (106 and Park, 03-27-14)

  • "My earlier attempt to live as Batman was halfhearted jest, the stuff of Schumacher." (Review, S01E04)
  • "Being Batman: four stars." (Review, S01E04)
  • "This car is the default setting."
    "It's like it was designed while someone was sleeping or something."
    "And then one guy was like, 'We should put some wipers on the headlights.' That guy got fired." (Portlandia, S04E05)
  • "Clapton probably just signs guitars specifically for memorabilia cafés." (Portlandia, S04E05)
  • "Take that poison, boy!" (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E05)
  • "Oldest trick in the diaper book." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E05)
  • "Mobin couldn't hack it." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E05)
  • "We're insulting you in semaphore." (Enlisted, S01E09)

Keith David in a milk bath (Enlisted, S01E09)

  • "We evolved the ability to communicate disappointment to teach those around us good manners." (Hannibal, S02E05)
  • Hitler 'stache dissolve (Hannibal, S02E05)
  • "You're a nurse at the hospital. You're setting a new standard of care." (Hannibal, S02E05)


Looking forward…

I got more money than Boomer Esiason

The Closer – of arteries!

Enjoy it with The Middle Reliever, a Pepto-Bismol shake.

Shouldn't it have fries in it too? Because…Pittsburgh.

The Starter: Nine types of fries (regular, curly, shoestring, waffle, crinkle, steak, sweet potato, wedge, tater tots) tossed with deep-fried balls of Heinz ketchup.

We will light our way with our lanterns on

What other big name features can we expect on your upcoming album besides Wiz Khalifa?
I've spoken already with Juvenile. I'm in talks right now with DMX and MGK. I spoke a little bit with E-40. I already got John Cena on two tracks.

Oh no…

"Untitled Billy Corgan Wrestling Project"

Smashing Pumpkins lead singer Billy Corgan pulls back the curtains on the pro-wrestling world as he takes over creative direction for the independent wrestling company Resistance Pro.

Oh brother…

WWE pulls back the curtains.

There's a house built out in space

At an extended family dinner: "My sister's children's favourite restaurant is The Village Pub."

Me, in my head: [spit-take] Your sister's children's favourite place to eat is a Michelin-starred $$$$ restaurant?

"They love the pasta."



Previously on Adam Riff™:
I don't think [B] trusts me with her kids, never mind that I pick them up from school, like, every other day.

Jon: M, let's go.
Classmate: Are you M's father?
Jon: Heh. No. My son lives in Japan and is in junior high.

S: I'm hungry!
Jon: Okay… What do you want to eat?
S: Ice cream!
Jon: Ice cream. Ah. What flavour? Chocolate? Strawberry?
S: Salted caramel!
Jon: [pause]

Jon: What are you doing?
M: Making an RPG with my friend.
Jon: Via Google Drive?

Jon: B, how did you find this school where first-graders use Google Drive and third-graders analyze scenes from Gravity in class?

Lakini's Juice


Cracker is still together?

"Woo-hoo! Outkast said yes! How much money does that leave us for the undercard?"

Rory: Countyfairchella.

Jon: Heh. Now I want to listen to "Hook."

Jon: [air harmonica] Suck it in suck it in suck it in if you're Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn…
Rory: [pause]

Jon: Remember when Weezer toured playing their "Blue Album" and Pinkerton in full on consecutive nights? Third Eye Blind should do that with their self-titled debut and Blue.
Rory: Josh Karlin-Resnick would like that.

Jon: According to Wikipedia, Ed Kowalczyk didn't leave Live until 2009 — 2009!
Jon: Also: Live is still together!

Jon: Huh. Fairweather Johnson isn't on Spotify.

Jon: Remember when Hootie appeared on Letterman, like, every month?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

12. Infinite television from infinite universes (Rick and Morty, S01E08)

Honourable Mention

  • Evolution of the eye (Cosmos, S01E02)
  • Raylan vs. Danny Crowe (Justified, S05E10)
  • Morninghead pitch (Shark Tank, S05E21)
  • Lobotomy (Hannibal, S02E04)

Stray Observations

  • "Does it really mean that much to you?"
    "Yes! Look at my face!"
    "Ahhh! One luftballoon!" (Bob's Burgers, S04E13)
  • "It's like the end of The Shining in here." (Bob's Burgers, S04E13)
  • "The hand wants what the hand wants." (Bob's Burgers, S04E13)
  • "Don't stop. I can still cum if you're crying." (Shameless, S04E09)
  • "Tell your boss you're going home sick tonight."
    "Yeah, whatever. Tell him you got AIDS." (Shameless, S04E09)
  • "BJ break isn't for another 45 minutes." (Shameless, S04E09)
  • How can Fiona afford an iPhone? (Shameless, S04E09)
  • "I got a girlfriend."
    "Maybe I should do yours like you did mine."
    "Okay, but only in the ass, alright? She saving herself." (Shameless, S04E09)
  • Chocolate pudding, spray cheese, peach Schnapps, pig feet, pecans, __________ (The Walking Dead, S04E14)
  • CM Punk Phil Brooks crying (Talking Dead, 03-16-14)
  • "I hate watching television because all the old women are shells, and it just hurts to be a shell." (Girls, S03E11)
  • The best the creator of NewsRadio can do is write for this show? (Girls, S03E11)
  • Nanaimo bar perogies (MasterChef Canada, S01E09)

What the fuck kind of Chinese food is that? (Top Chef Canada, S04E02)

(WWE Raw, 03-17-14)

  • "Come on, Cyril. Pick one. Either have a stroke or spit it out." (Archer, S05E08)
  • "There's always a reason to make out." (Bates Motel, S02E03)
  • "Moynihan and piece of toast hate each other." (Rick and Morty, S01E08)
  • "Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV." (Rick and Morty, S01E08)
  • Wilmer Valderrama: Mexican Vampire (From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E02)
  • "Souls are like popsicles. Some are sweet, some are bitter, some are strong, some are weak. What flavour are you, Kyle?"
    "Cherry lime." (From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E02)
  • Wilmer Valderrama: Shapeshifting Mexican Vampire (From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E02)
  • "The toilet paper is triple-ply."
    "Turns anyone's bottom into a VIP." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E21)
  • "Terry believes in having a clear topic sentence." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E21)
  • "AID tickles." (Workaholics, S04E09)
  • "Let's eat later tomorrow."
    "We ate dinner early tonight. You don't want to say grace as much when you're hungry."
    "Would you stop being so reasonable?" (The Americans, S02E04)
  • "You know where he was for most of my birthdays? A little place that rhymes with 'not there.'"
    "Times Square?" (Community, S05E10)

(Community, S05E10)

  • "I am ranking topics of conversation for our next phone call. What do you think should be higher priority: Infinity scarves, or whether or not it's worth it for me to get Showtime?" (Parks and Recreation, S06E17)
  • "There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins." (Parks and Recreation, S06E17)
  • "A bass is a gateway instrument." (Portlandia, S04E04)
  • "Creamed horse meat. It's horse meat in horse yogurt." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E04)
  • Human apiary (Hannibal, S02E04)
  • Eyeless and alive (Hannibal, S02E04)
  • Beverly is dead. She was supposed to die in the first season (Hannibal, S02E04)


That's Edward Scissorhands

Previously on Adam Riff™: I am elated that a weekly magic television programme exists (Troy).

All of Troy's magic tricks involving iPhones

Steven: until someone can fly, david copperfield is the best magician
Steven: nobody has touched that one
Jon: oh, definitely. david copperfield flying is the best illusion i've seen in my lifetime. it's so amazing that he stopped making television specials soon after

Jon: damn, the special in which he flies is 22 years old
Jon: idea: "magic of david copperfield" television specials, ranked
Steven: "flying" is his wrestlemania x-seven

Tiny dots on an endless timeline

UPS nailed the casting for its latest commercial.

Sometime around the third day of SXSW Interactive, I started forgetting exactly why I'd come. The Austin-based event I'd signed up for had been advertised as a tech conference, but when I arrived, I found it was just an all-purpose capitalist carnival.

Pennzoil and Oreo were there, as was Kleenex, which had rented a house-sized exhibit to show off its Cottonelle toilet paper to the estimated 30,000 techies in attendance.

It's like a convention you would see on The Simpsons. Conan should send Triumph next year.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

11. Racism (Review, S01E02)

Honourable Mention

  • Occupy Raw (WWE Raw, 03-10-14)
  • "Reason not the need" (Justified, S05E09)
  • 'Rise from the grave' trick (Troy, S01E05)
  • The Celery Incident (Portlandia, S04E03)

Stray Observations

  • "Small bits of pork throughout the day is what they say." (Bob's Burgers, S04E12)
  • "I'm gonna take a nap under a warm tortilla and then eat my way out when I wake up."
    "I've heard of a power nap, but a flour nap?" (Bob's Burgers, S04E12)
  • "Fart School for the Gifted." (Bob's Burgers, S04E12)

Tina's running form (Bob's Burgers, S04E12)

Hidden in plain sight (True Detective, S01E03)

  • "L'chaim, fat ass." (True Detective, S01E08)
  • True Detective Season Grade: B-
  • Chocolate pudding, spray cheese, peach Schnapps, pig feet, __________ (The Walking Dead, S04E13)
  • Music: Beth covers "Be Good" by Waxahatchee, which was originally supposed to be a Neutral Milk Hotel song (The Walking Dead, S04E13)
  • Why didn't Daryl look through the blinds before opening the door? (The Walking Dead, S04E13)
  • "Your God is too small." (Cosmos, S01E01)
  • Debbie's virginity countdown (Shameless, S04E08)
  • Golden Girls ending = perfect (Looking, S01E08)
  • Looking Season Grade: B+
  • "Norman, do you want to do a musical?" (Bates Motel, S02E02)
  • Music: "The Strangest Thing" by The Amazing (Bates Motel, S02E02)

Brogue kick through a bass drum (WWE Raw, 03-10-14)

  • "Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener?" (Rick and Morty, S01E07)
  • "It appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar?"
    "[gasps] Ticketmaster…" (Rick and Morty, S01E07)
  • Troy Season Grade: B-
  • The Taste UK Season Grade: C
  • Niko's extracted fetus (Face Off, S06E09)
  • "I'm not taking advice from you. You pronounce the 'G' in 'lasagna.'" (New Girl, S03E19)
  • "Nick could be your lawyer."
    "This Nick? Vivica A. Dropout?" (New Girl, S03E19)
  • "Go back inside!"
    "Are you talking to us or the fart?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E20)
  • "Do they even have pizza in Canada?"
    "Yes. It's puffier, and it's sweet. It's called 'Manitoba sauce cake.'" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E20)
  • "Did I just plan the worst wedding in history?"
    "Second worst. Red Wedding." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E20)
  • "Maruk. He's the starting center for the Capitals, the largely untalented hockey club that plays here in Washington." (The Americans, S02E03)
  • Music: "Here Comes the Flood" by Peter Gabriel (The Americans, S02E03)
  • "Why you do that, Scott Pilgrim?!" (Workaholics, S04E08)
  • Adam's corn dog hoodie (Workaholics, S04E08)
  • "I broke a bone, but I grew a boner." (Workaholics, S04E08)
  • "Come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz." (Parks and Recreation, S06E16)
  • "I once threw beer at a swan, and then it attacked my niece Rebecca." (Parks and Recreation, S06E16)
  • RT: The King of France just fucked a lady out a window and she died (Reign, S01E14)
  • What a final challenge: Calculatrivia, 15 puzzle, cryptogram, sudoku, logic puzzle, spacial problem solving, word search scramble, and Pac-Man – all in 20 minutes? (King of the Nerds, S02E08)
  • Both winners have been women (King of the Nerds, S02E08)
  • King of the Nerds Season Grade: B
  • "Most umps are hunks." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E03)
  • Bray Wyatt Carcosa reference (WWE SmackDown, 03-14-14)
  • "This killer wrote you a poem. Are you going to let his love go to waste?" (Hannibal, S02E03)
  • Strike Back billboard (Banshee, S02E10)
  • Was tollboothing Emmett and his wife really necessary? (Banshee, S02E10)
  • Banshee Season Grade: C+

Late to the Party

  • Hilarious clip: Language Barrier (Getting On, S01E01)
  • Daniel Stern is unrecognizable nowadays (Getting On, S01E05)
  • "I have an anal fissure, so we're dating." (Getting On, S01E06)
  • Getting On Season Grade: B


Eater's Digest: Colorado

One month ago…

root down / curtis park delicatessen / acorn / denver biscuit co. / voodoo doughnut / good chemistry / table 6 / sassafras / mcdevitt taco supply / snooze / the sink / bru / larkburger / glacier homemade ice cream / the kitchen / snarf's / pinche taqueria / uncle / martine's muffins / biker jim's gourmet dogs / sweet action ice cream / euclid hall

denver / boulder

Beef Sandwich (Curtis Park Delicatessen)
ciabatta, pastrami, horseradish havarti, house made aioli, house made mustard, arugula

Lamb "Shawarma" (Acorn)
shishito peppers, feta cheese, chickpea panisse, tzatziki sauce, harissa
[reading menu] Why is shawarma in quotation marks? A: Because it's shawarma with bunch of whole roasted Japanese peppers mixed in. The peppers did not mesh at all.

Oak Grilled Short Ribs (Acorn)
roasted baby carrots, cheddar polenta, ancho chili
Unassumingly sublime beef. You can't cook short ribs much better.

"Would you like it with bacon?"

Biscuit Cinnamon Roll (Denver Biscuit Co.)
A generous hybrid with a pleasing puff pastry-esque exterior.

Strawberry Rhubarb Jam (Denver Biscuit Co.)
Damn good jam.

Neapolitan Doughnut (Voodoo Doughnut)
chocolate cake doughnut with vanilla frosting, strawberry dust and three marshmallows
Devils Punchbowl Doughnut (Voodoo Doughnut)
raised yeast doughnut with vanilla frosting, fruit punch powder and sprinkles
Ehh. Don't believe the hype.

Chicken Skin Chicharone Tacos (Table 6)
celery root slaw, bleu, t6 franks
Crunch-a munch-a crunch-a munch-a.

Hawaiian Pizza Wontons (Table 6)
herbed marinara sauce
I dreaded eating these, but the Hawaiian pizza filling was mild, and the marinara dipping sauce overpowered the filling, so they were basically toasted ravioli.

Tots (Table 6)
french onion dip, fried onions
Chicken Cordon Bleu Pot Pie (Table 6)
tasso, broccoli, dijon cream, blitz puff
Taleggio Donuts (Table 6)
truffle honey

"Okay Glass, get directions to original Quiznos."

Cajun Benedict (Sassafras)
gulf shrimp and jumbo lump crab cakes with a louisiana crawfish and tasso "hash" topped with two poached eggs and smoked cayenne hollandaise, served with goat cheese jalapeno grits
A craving for Cajun food led me to a surprisingly busy restaurant hidden in plain suburbia.

Chicken Fried Eggs and Smoked Buffalo Hash (Sassafras)
smoked colorado buffalo hash topped with two battered eggs fried golden, roasted fresno chili hollandaise, served with freshly baked cornbread
I couldn't resist ordering this too. Four egg brunch.

Kale Salad Taco (McDevitt Taco Supply)
Green Chilies and Chicken Taco (McDevitt Taco Supply)
Chocopotle Beef Taco (McDevitt Taco Supply)
Can tacos be both interesting and boring?

Berry Blitz Bite (Good Chemistry)
white chocolate, blueberries, cranberries
I wanted to try Mountain Medicine's blueberry pie bar, a High Times Cannabis Cup winner, but it was only available on the medical menu, and I was only allowed to buy stuff on the recreational menu, so I settled for a bon bon. I should've checked its serving size, because, 16 hours later… How am I still high?! Is it safe to go swimming like this?

Pancake Flight (Snooze)
Pineapple Upside Down Pancake
buttermilk pancake with caramelized pineapple chunks, housemade vanilla crème anglaise and cinnamon butter
Caramel Apple Pie Pancake
buttermilk pancake filled with gala apples and topped with caramel sauce, marscapone whipped cream and spiced pie crumb crumble
Molton Chocolate Lava Pancake
chocolatey buttermilk pancake filled with a chocolate custard center and topped with a drizzle of tangerine cream frosting
I still think about these pancakes, the caramel apple pie one in particular.

"Buff" Mac (The Sink)
pasta shells tossed with west flander's beer cheese sauce and crispy fried chicken strips with bleu cheese and scallions
I thought this would be, like, a special University of Colorado mac-n-cheese. Nope. Just a buffalo chicken mac-n-cheese. I may have still been high.

Chocolate Pretzel Bread Pudding (BRU)
roasted pear ice cream, peanut brittle
A worthy mash-up of personal favourites.

Potato Doughnuts (The Kitchen)
spiced hot chocolate
Came for the doughnuts, stayed for the accompanying hot chocolate dipping sauce.

"Okay Glass, get directions to original Chipotle."

Surf and Turf Street Taco (Pinche Taqueria)
lengua and fried shrimp
Pork Belly "Agridulce" Street Taco (Pinche Taqueria)
sweet and sour braised pork belly, candied garlic, cabbage and cilantro slaw, braising jus
In a word, unwieldy.

This restaurant goes by "Tacos, Tequila, Whiskey" because the city of Denver won't allow it to publicly use the word "pinche," which many people translate to "fucking."

Chips and Guac (Uncle)
golden tilefish chips, avocado, wasabi
Chips made of fish, and guacamole with wasabi in it. Would eat again.

Thai Lamb Mazemen (Uncle)
tamarind, peanuts, dried shrimp, soft egg
Very disappointing – a big bowl of sour. All I tasted was sour.

The gay Asian fetishist on Top Chef: New Orleans used to cook at this restaurant.

Chocolate Mint Muffin (Martine's Muffins)
Chocolate Raspberry Muffin (Martine's Muffins)
Espresso and Chocolate Muffin (Martine's Muffins)
Scrumptious muffins that are inconveniently only available from 6:30am-11:00am.

A Thu-Sun 8:00am-3:00pm window thwarted me from trying Latke Love, an eatery that sells latke bowls.

Baleboostah (Latke Love)
four potato latkes, slow braised brisket, guinness gravy, and roasted carrot

Alaskan Reindeer Dog (Biker Jim's Gourmet Dogs)
stilton bleu cheese, bacon red onion marmalade, lemon z and french fried onions
Fried Mac N Cheese (Biker Jim's Gourmet Dogs)
Alas, the Rattlesnake and Pheasant Dog was sold out, and it didn't occur to me at the time that a Jack-a-lope Dog is a blend of jackrabbit and antelope. The description just read "mythically delicious."

Pocky Red Bean Ice Cream (Sweet Action Ice Cream)
My scoop was stingy on Pocky.

Original Starbucks
Original Quiznos
Original Chipotle
Original Del Taco
Original Golden Corral

Pad Thai Pig Ears (Euclid Hall)
tamarind chili sauce, scallion, peanut, egg, sprouts, mint, cilantro
Another uninvitingly sour Thai dish.

Chips and Dip (Euclid Hall)
lemon goat cheese dip, oolong tea smoked duck breast, duck confit, kennebec potato chips, baby dill, extra virgin olive oil
One of the oddest things I have ever eaten. Goat cheese topped with potato chips topped with both hot and cold duck meat.

Shrimp and Grits Fritters (Euclid Hall)
charred pepper aioli, blistered shishitos, trinity salt, parsley
Carnitas Papas Fritas Poutine (Euclid Hall)
tomatillo green chile, cheddar curds and goat cheese, cilantro, chile lime fries

Car Bomb Float (Euclid Hall)
guinness ice cream, bailey's chocolate seltzer, jameson caramel shot


Three Inch Horizontal

Jon: Why do I have to have a bio on [redacted]'s website?
Boss: Because you're part of our team.
Jon: But I come off as a loser compared to everyone else! I mean… "A student of film in college, Jon views hundreds of films per year and can quickly evaluate and improve content." [pause] If you have to resort to that, then why bother?
Boss: Ryan just drafted something. Re-write it.

An English major, Jon views hundreds of hours of television per year and can spend three hours composing a 94-word blog post.

We like it slow, and so it goes

America's most extreme rare stone hunter chases new finds in the world's deadliest destinations. [source]

In the foothills of Hickory, North Carolina, four rival barter teams leave no stone unturned in order to find the items that will earn them a weekly paycheck. [source]

Zoo Detective

Freaks and Sikhs
Indian carnies

Freese Company
Baseball player opens a sperm bank

Mike: I had an idea for a recurring sketch about guys who in the new weed economies make fake, nonsmokable weed for grow house supply showrooms. They take it as seriously and as stupidly seriously as real weed ppl take weed.
Jon: Display drugs, like plastic Japanese food.
Mike: Yes!!
Jon: Or what if they made non-psychoactive drugs, like non-alcoholic beer?

Jon: Store-brand drugs – Aldijuana.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

10. Tear Away (Hannibal, S02E02)

Holy shit holy shit holy shit!

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Chocolate pudding, spray cheese, peach Schnapps, __________ (The Walking Dead, S04E12)
  • Music: The Mountain Goats – "Up the Wolves" (The Walking Dead, S04E12)
  • "I want to like it; it just looks like barf." (MasterChef Canada, S01E07)
  • "I'm-a plant a red fern for you, jug." (Archer, S05E06)
  • "Kriegerands." (Archer, S05E06)
  • "There's no way a superstar like Kenny Loggins is gonna be registered under his own name."
    "Yeah, it's not like he's Messina."
    "Don't do that. Don't ever do that!"
    "You should be. Jim Messina is a genius. And without him, no Poco." (Archer, S05E06)
  • "I have a lot of pretty major expenses coming up, and since we haven't been paid…"
    "WIC! It's like welfare, but for babies. I don't know, I'm not a Democrat, but I think they give you a birth cheese." (Archer, S05E06)
  • "K-Log didn't order room service." (Archer, S05E06)
  • "Lip chemo?" (Archer, S05E06)
  • "So who's beard guy?"
    "Are you…? That's Kenny Loggins!"
    "[gasps] From Kenny Loggins' Roasters?" (Archer, S05E06)
  • The lead frat boy is voiced by Stan Halen (Chozen, S01E06)
  • "I'm gonna have the freshest Mexican grill since Chipotle." (Chozen, S01E06)
  • Norman's crying (Bates Motel, S02E01)
  • Music: HAIM – "The Wire"!!! (Bates Motel, S02E01)
  • "Whoa! You're going 42! I saw the speed limit was 35!" (Bates Motel, S02E01)
  • "Welcome to the world, ladies! There are axe murderers and whores stuffed under every rug!" (Bates Motel, S02E01)

(WWE Raw, 03-03-14)

  • Man drinks River Thames water (Troy, S01E04)
  • Spotlight Challenge: Anime Alter Egos (Face Off, S06E08)
  • "I have a sexy voice. Champagne. Mountain range. Hugs."
    "Mountain range?"
    "I couldn't think of anything sexy to say."
    "What?! Mountain range. It's the sexiest geological feature. No, wait, sorry. Deep sea trench." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E19)
  • "I love guns. I'm gonna make such a good dad."
    "Not even gonna touch that."
    "The Amy Santiago story." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E19)
  • Andre Braugher saying "kwazy cupcakes" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E19)
  • "'Kwazy' is a difficult word to say in anger." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E19)
  • "When it comes to shooting patterns, I like to go PB&J – penis, brain, jaw." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E19)
  • Phillip's 2012 Rust Cohle disguise (The Americans, S02E02)
  • "How about you get on your magic carpet, and, and fly with a woman, and have her not close her eyes, 'cause I know the words! You're not special! I know words to a lot of Disney tracks!" (Workaholics, S04E07)
  • "That's the same exact song he did earlier. It's just a different name."
    "Well, he's human after all. Mexican-human, maybe."
    "Yeah, taking our jobs."
    "No, I'm not saying that!" (Workaholics, S04E07)
  • "Larry, just tell him I need to reschedule because I am trying to fix my bee hole disaster." (Parks and Recreation, S06E15)
  • 'Olivia Wilde taking her top off' running joke (Portlandia, S04E02)
  • "I'm here in the house of God, name of 'church.'" (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E02)
  • "My next guest is wizard." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E02)
  • "Wizard finger smells like fried chicken." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E02)

(Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E02)

  • "I am the donation to the foundation." (Inside the NBA, 03-06-14)
  • "When it comes to nature vs. nurture, I choose neither. We are built from a DNA blueprint and born into a world of scenario and circumstance we don't control." (Hannibal, S02E02)
  • Leg osso buco (Hannibal, S02E02)
  • "The traumatized are unpredictable because we know we can survive." (Hannibal, S02E02)

(Hannibal, S02E02)


You said that irony was the shackles of youth

B: Hey, can you drive my dad to the airport?
Jon: You know, just because I don't have set work hours doesn't mean I can be your personal Uber.


Jon: So where are you staying?
Uncle: The Palazzo. You want to come with? My room has two beds.


Devil Jon: You've been to Vegas before without anything but the clothes on your back…
Angel Jon: But you need to save money to travel to Canada to see the third Trailer Park Boys movie on opening weekend!
Devil Jon: Orrrr you can pay for that trip by playing craps.

Devil Angel Jon: He has a point…