Don't be an air hog


"What is the point of this cylindrical pillow?"

"It's called a bolster, and it's for decoration."

"So it exists solely to be placed on a bed before I throw it on the floor to use the bed? What a waste of pillow. You could turn these square bed pillows rectangular with the stuffing in this bolster."

Idea: A bed of Pocky. Like a bed of nails, but with Pocky.

Idea: A Japanese snack spa. Hot mochi massage on a bed of Pocky. Yan Yan bath. Exfoliation by scrubbing with Shrimp Flavored Chips.

Idea: Samoasas – samosas with a Samoa cookie filling. Serve with a Thin Mint chutney.

Jane Fader Is My Gyro

Previously on @adamriffs:
"it seems so ridiculous" says Benny Hsu, the maker of All Candy Casino Slots – Jewel Craze Connect: Big Blast Mania Land

The aristocrats!

Ever since Flappy Bird was yanked from app stores by its creator, clones have multiplied.

This week, a Miley Cyrus meets Flappy Bird parody — Flying Cyrus- Wrecking Ball — is No. 1 on the iTunes free app chart.

A parody of the parody — Flappy Miley Wrecking Ball Pro — is No. 9.

Your move, Benny Hsu.

Meanwhile, Splashy Fish is still a strong No. 2, giving app fans their closest replica of the Flappy Bird experience.

"It's a lot more fun," says Splashy Fish fan Austin Ervin of Los Angeles. "There are a lot more colors." [source]

"My favourite musical artist is Bonobo," adds Ervin.

I have only one game on my mobile – Fairway Solitaire. I read about it years ago on Penny Arcade and downloaded the app last year to kill time during train rides. I know I've set at least 10 all-time records.

I made this US Marshall MY BITCH!

Did you know that the actor who played Sean Cameron on Degrassi: The Next Generation is now a reporter for Fusion, ABC and Univision's joint news channel venture?

The biggest knock against me professionally is that I am not proactive enough. It's a criticism that has followed me to every job I've had.

Being proactive goes against who I am existentially, though. I am not, by nature, someone who will expend energy on stuff that may not be necessary. I'll do what you ask of me, I'll do it fast, I'll do it well, but I won't do any more unless I have to. My modus operandi is efficiency.

Also, passion facilitates proactivity, and, well, I love nothing. In high school, I was voted "most likely to host an informercial," yet I can't for the life of me sell interest in a job. I'm fortunate that my current employer accepts that I work to live.

My mum's birthday is Friday.

I need, like, a Lamaze class for the deaths of my parents.

The spirit gone, man is garbage

Is there a worse phrase in the English language than "she wants the D"?

Tony Kornheiser noted that in sports, the word "defense" is a trochee, while outside of sports, the word "defense" is an iamb.

Jon: Public sculpture game. Name the city. For example: Bear, dustpan, devil horse = Denver.

Jon: Top hat. Macaroni noodle. Love.
Tony: Oh. Philadelphia.

Jon: Bow and arrow. Skull in bunny's mouth.
Tony: San Francisco?
Jon: Correct. My final clue was Yoda, heh.

Jon: For Seattle? Uhh… Boots, popsicle, troll. Troll or Jimi Hendrix.

Denver's public transportation has the nicest seats of any public transportation system I've ever used. Plumply cushioned seats on municipal buses? Inconceivable.

Jon: The first screening is at Boulder High School.
Pepe: Is that where the shooting happened?
Jon: [pause]

Jon: How do you not know Columbine? Shit, you won a Pulitzer Prize for covering a school shooting!

Our film also screened in Boulder at eTown Hall, a repurposed church – one of several repurposed buildings that I visited in Colorado. The restaurant Linger is a repurposed mortuary; the restaurant Root Down is a repurposed gas station/garage; three colleges share a student union that is a repurposed brewery; and The Source, a public market, is a repurposed steel foundry. They all retain historic charms niftily and harmoniously, unlike, say, Limelight Shops in New York City.

Why do all frozen yogurt shops use a green/magenta colour scheme?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

8. Ross and Rachel (Looking, S01E05 / Television Episode of the Year Nominee)

Stray Observations

  • "I can see your soul at the edges of your eyes. It's corrosive, like acid. You've got a demon, little man. There's a shadow in you, son." (True Detective, S01E05)
  • "Why should I live in history, huh? Fuck, I don't wanna know anything anymore. This is a world where nothing is solved. Someone once told me time is a flat circle. Everything we've ever done or will do, we're gonna do over and over and over again." (True Detective, S01E05)
  • "In eternity, where there is no time, nothing can grow, nothing can become, nothing changes. So death created time to grow the things that it would kill." (True Detective, S01E05)
  • All the Emmys to Emmy Rossum and Jeremy Allen White (Shameless, S04E06)
  • Lena Dunham in a bikini forever (Girls, S03E07)
  • I am elated that a weekly magic television programme exists (Troy, S01E02)

Tyler and Chloe's cryptid (Face Off, S06E06)

  • "I'm sick of living cum to cum." (Workaholics, S04E05)
  • "Don't you dare listen to this bro-life propaganda. It's poppycock is what it is." (Workaholics, S04E05)
  • The Taste Season Grade: C
  • "Our reward is dinner with the original cast of Revenge of the Nerds." (King of the Nerds, S02E05)
  • How sick is the cast of eating Little Caesars pizza? (King of the Nerds, S02E05)
  • Poor Hood family. Father shot up, buried twice. Son strangled, put through a meat grinder (Banshee, S02E07)
  • "For the record, I didn't force Marcus to eat meat. He likes meat. He loves it. He's a carnivore. You do not want to be in a plane crash in the Andes when Marcus is on board." (About a Boy, S01E01)

House of Lulz

  • God of War: Ascension (House of Cards, S02E02)
  • DEEP WEB (House of Cards, S02E02)
  • Frank saying "muchas gracias" to the Hispanic congressman (House of Cards, S02E03)
  • Hacker McPoyle (House of Cards, S02E03/S02E04)
  • White powder contrivance (House of Cards, S02E04)
  • Ashleigh Banfield's interview questions (House of Cards, S02E04)
  • An hour-long interview with the Second Lady [like anyone cares] that is, for some reason, live (House of Cards, S02E04)
  • casual encounters >>> m4mw (House of Cards, S02E05)
  • Diary of an abortion doctor (House of Cards, S02E05)
  • Barking? (House of Cards, S02E05)

Anyone want to record a House of Cards: Season 2 "How Did This Get Made?" podcast with me?


Attack the fruity kid

My niece's birthday is next week. She wants a Frozen doll – you know, the animated film – but I'm not sure which princess she wants. There are two, and I can't remember the name she said.

I think she wants Elsa? But then, what if someone else gets her an Elsa doll too? What if she told other people that she wants an Elsa doll? I want my present to be unique. I want to be the person who got her an Elsa doll.

Children should have registries for birthdays.

Warm Bodies

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Denver's airport is like an oasis. I understand building an airport on the outskirts of a city because of noise pollution, but Denver's airport could be miles closer and still isolated. Also, that airport hotels are seven miles away from the airport is odd, particularly when most of the land within seven miles of the airport is undeveloped.

Centennial Man

What does that thing above 33 denote?

Oh! It's Colorado's flag.

Colorado's flag looks corporate. Free association: Red Bull.

I want this Colorado flag hoodie.

Adam Robot doesn't think that I could hack it in Colorado, that I would ever fit in.

I'm tempted to prolong my stay just to prove him wrong. Find a sublet. I'll show you, motherfucker.

I met a number of people this weekend in Boulder who assumed that I lived in Boulder.

When I told them that I'm actually visiting from California, they all replied, "What part? I'm from California too."

An Etsy vendor combined Colorado and California's flags:

It looks like Cubs merch.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

7. The long tracking shot — it lasts a shade under six minutes — that follows Rust through the stash house and then during his elaborate escape to Marty's car with a prisoner in tow (True Detective, S01E04)

Honourable Mention

  • Cold open (Babylon, S01E01)

Stray Observations

(The Walking Dead, S04E09)

Graham's make-up (Face Off, S06E05)

  • "Don't be cheap. Bertie is a Somalian." (New Girl, S03E16)
  • "Quick question: Is pee pee a write-off?" (New Girl, S03E16)
  • Airport traffic cop humour (New Girl, S03E16)
  • "Oh, Canada. Truly Odie to America's Garfield," (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E17)
  • "A gondola ride along the Gowanus Canal." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E17)
  • "Beating up a white bitch for burgers? That's the shit I like." (Workaholics, S04E04)

Glitter fit (King of the Nerds, S02E04)

  • "Asimov is the only author." (King of the Nerds, S02E04)
  • "I'm a world-class gamer!" (King of the Nerds, S02E04)
  • Decapitation by skidding semi-trailer truck (Banshee, S02E06)


Dumb Tim Hortons

Attention seeking in the 21st century:

Idea: A series of pornographic short films in which she lives out her tweets with celebrity impersonators.

Episode 1: "Cristiano Ronaldo" makes her cum.
Episode 6: "Drake Bell," "Vanilla Ice," and "Justin Bieber" triple stuff her.
Series Finale: "Eminem."

Idea: Filter comments on the Internet by age of commenter. "Show only comments by people [over] age [30]."

Reality Show Idea: Yelp House. 12 Yelp Elite live together and perform various food/service-oriented challenges, after which they critique each other's performances, and the person with the lowest number of stars is evicted. The 10 evictees return to judge the final challenge. The prize is a trip around the world with meals at restaurants that are almost impossible to get into.

Restaurant Name Idea: "Grand Opening." And don't invest in proper signage. Permanent banner outside.

Semper Ubi Sub Ubi

B: Hey, can you pick up Max and Sophie today?
Jon: Sure. Huff?
B: No.
Jon: Seems like you enroll them in a different school each year.
B: In the JCC – Helios School for Gifted Children.
Jon: Heh. Your kids are mutants?

Jon: Yecch-men.
B: Stop.

Jon: What do you call this shape?

Chris: A triangle.
Jon: Its hypotenuse is curved, though.
Chris: A concave right triangle.
Jon: Don't the sides of a triangle have to be straight lines?
Chris: The name "triangle" suggests that having three angles is more important.
Jon: Well, that triangle's three angles don't add up to 180°.

Jon: What do you call this shape?

Chris: Uhh… An arcangle?
Jon: Heh. That shape is a mutant?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

6. Panties (New Girl, S03E14)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Winston, what happens when you mix fire and ice?"
    "Warm water, baby." (New Girl, S03E14)
  • "So do you like pancakes?" – Chappelle's Show reference (New Girl, S03E14)
  • "I'm just gonna grab a healthy breakfast…"
    "Aren't those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?"
    "Breakfast burrito." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E15)
  • "I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on Iago, backstabber."
    "I'm surprised you've read Othello."
    "What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E15)
  • "Oh my God, we're doomed. Boyle looks like a lesbian!"
    "Don't worry, I had a back-up plan. I distracted her with a mirror!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E15)
  • "Adam Sandler?"
    "Yeah, that's right. I collect antiquities. I'm a serious person. I'm writing a movie right now about the Russian Revolution."
    "Oh really? Who does Kevin James play in it?"
    "Ah ha ha. It's a serious movie. [pause] Trotsky." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E15)
  • Joe Theismann: "You broke my other leg!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E15)
  • "The highest quality peanut butter…" [shows Kraft peanut butter] (MasterChef Canada, S01E03)
  • "Hi, welcome to Nazi Canada! [mimics fellatio] Eh?!" (Archer, S05E04)
  • "…said Ripley to the android Bishop. Wait, hang on. Um… Oh, goddammit! What was wrong with 'phrasing'?!" (Archer, S05E04)
  • "What kind of oil is this?! I told you grape seed! This is nasty ass olive! I'm gonna smell like Rachael Ray's pussy for the next week!" (Chozen, S01E04)
  • "I thought for a second there you were gonna breast-feed him."
    "Oh sí, I am. The chocolate is for me."
    "Chocolate milk! Chocolate milk!" (Chozen, S01E04)
  • "Nick, I can't give up that farmer's market. Strolling around, chatting with vendors, it's so nice. I feel like Don Corleone." (New Girl, S03E15)
  • Adam Brody plays Jess' ex. Adam Brody played Seth Cohen on The OC. Seth Cohen's favourite band is Death Cab for Cutie. Zooey Deschanel is Death Cab frontman Ben Gibbard's ex (New Girl, S03E15)
  • Max Greenfield played young Sandy Cohen on The OC (New Girl, S03E15)
  • "You brushed my hand at a Dave Matthews concert during 'Two Step.'"
    "'Two Step'?!" (New Girl, S03E15)
  • "This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I've led a very fortunate life!" (New Girl, S03E15)
  • "I am Frank Skabopolis!" (New Girl, S03E15)
  • "That's the Nia Vardalos." (New Girl, S03E15)
  • "Stop eating crab wrong!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E16)
  • "I'm fancy. One time, I had coffee-flavoured ice cream." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E16)
  • "Disposing murder victims for money, well, that leaves a bad taste in a Christian's mouth. A small town don't run on a 24-hour news cycle. A small town never forgets. Now word's gonna burn through these hills and hollers like a wildfire. People of Harlan County, rich and poor, will marvel at your debasement and venality. They will spit venom when they speak your name, and they will take your suicide as the last pact of a coward. Now your reputation is ruined, your good word worthless, but death will not be the end of your suffering. For generations, your children, and your children's children, will have a mark against their name, and that will be your legacy." (Justified, S05E05)
  • Art listening to Rush Limbaugh – Art imitates Nick Searcy's life (Justified, S05E05)
  • "I ain't gonna take your compliment after taking your insult." (Justified, S05E05)

(Justified, S05E05)

  • "A man that just talks is no man." (Justified, S05E05)
  • "I am Latin, so I get to feel whatever I want." (Modern Family, S05E14)
  • Top Chef Season Grade: C
  • "I rep Kirkland." (Workaholics, S04E03)
  • "Three dudes in matching Kirkland fits? More like Twirkland, right?" (Workaholics, S04E03)
  • "Oh my gosh, are those Kirkland jeans?"
    "Oh these? Yeah, they are Kirkland. And I'm looking like a boss, though, in head-to-toe Costco." (Workaholics, S04E03)
  • "Black people don't make out with dogs." (Broad City, S01E03)
  • Theme song by Tad Kubler of The Hold Steady (Enlisted, S01E05)
  • "Man, I am a slang word for genitals." (Enlisted, S01E05)
  • "Our tears are private, Private!" (Enlisted, S01E05)
  • The wheat field cinematography (Banshee, S02E05)
  • Music: "Missing Reward" by Mt. Royal (Banshee, S02E05)


Swim out past the breakers, watch the world die

This week already gave us Jamie Casino, and now, signing today…

"Squally Canada, Wazzu" – Sunday Night Football player introduction or gibberish?

Kevin: Squally has to be a nickname.
Jon: For… Pasquale Canada?

Canada's first name is actually Bryant but Squally is the nickname that stuck after it was given to him by his father. On the way home from the hospital the day he was born, his dad started calling him Boo-Squally. Shortly after, it just became Squally. [source]

Marvel's Agents of N.A.F.T.A.: Captain America, Squally Canada, Ron Mexico.

Band Name Idea: The Desperation 3.

According to Wikipedia, the theme of this year's Super Bowl halftime show was trap music.

Bruno Mars has released two albums, both ten songs long, and both yielding six singles. Including "It Will Rain," almost two-thirds of his oeuvre is singles. That's Beatles fertile. He could issue a legitimate greatest hits album right now.


Jon: Has Sesame Street done a Wolf of Wall Street parody yet?

Jon: The Wolf of Elm Street. He appears when you ingest quaaludes.

Jon: The Wolf of Fascination Street.

Jon: The Wolf of Mango Street.
Chad: I don't get it.
Jon: You never read The House on Mango Street in school?
Chad: No.
Jon: I remember reading it twice.

B: You're overlooking the most obvious one.
Jon: Oh?
B: The Wolf of Jump Street. Donnie Azoff is an undercover cop.

I edited the falling scenes in Lone Survivor into one long falling scene:

If it looks like Lone Survivor's falling scenes hurt for real, that's because they did: "Oh, [the stuntmen] went for it. Broken ribs, punctured lungs, concussions," said Berg. [source]