Stab me with a fork and check for batter on the tines

I noticed a few short (3mm) hairs on my pillow.

Is my hair falling out?

These hairs are post-haircut short, though, like I napped before showering after a haircut.

I just washed my pillowcase…

Could this be unshaven facial hair? Is my facial hair falling out?!

In Los Angeles, I learned by observation to roll out into the intersection while waiting to make an unprotected left turn.

No one in Northern California seems to do this.

I feel like a div rolling out into intersections alone. Doesn't help that people see an Asian driver.

Chimney sweep and volunteer firefighter


I'm guessing what's under the patio is not intact.

Super Bowl prop bets:

Shirts vs. skins pick 'em!

Lol at Bruno Mars performing "Gorilla" at all – or wearing a tuque.

I wonder if I can parlay no shirtless RHCP member, "Treasure," and no hat.

The Super Bowl halftime show should begin with Trent Reznor and friends finishing their Grammys performance.


Previously on Adam Riff™:

I am chuffed to present The 20/13 Experience, a two-part, three-hour audio celebration of the past year.

Jon: Where's Puig Destroyer?
Adam Robot: What?
Jon: You said they would make the cut. I didn't include them in my mix because you said you were going to! [grumbling]

Last fall, I bounced a 2013 audio retrospective title idea off Adam Robot, and lo, he and White Jon ran with it – glacially, yes, but Obamacore is a real boy.

\m/ ?

1The Bronx - The Unholy Hand
2Kvelertak - Bruane Brenn
3FIDLAR - Cocaine
4The Appleseed Cast - Barrier Islands (Do We Remain)
5California X - Curse Of The Nightmare
6Tera Melos - Weird Circles
7Russian Circles - Ethel
8Pianos Become The Teeth - Hiding
9A Pregnant Light - Stars Will Fall
10Touché Amoré - Non Fiction
11Baptists - Betterment
12Nails - In Exodus
13Locrian - Eternal Return
14KEN mode - The Promises Of God
15Deafheaven - The Pecan Tree
16Run The Jewels - No Come Down
17Coliseum - Fuzzbang

alternate download link

I have more band shirts than friends

Jon: What were the athletic monikers for your elementary school, middle school, high school, and college?
Southeast USA
Matt: Panthers, Bulldogs, Sharks, Cavaliers/Gators. College was split.
Jon: So cat, dog, fish, person/reptile.
Matt: You?
Southwest USA
Jon: Cougars, Falcons, Spartans, Bruins – cat, bird, person, bear – all four major moniker types!
Matt: Ehh… I think dogs are more prevalent than bears.

Jon: Okay, so BINGO is: cat, dog, bird, person.

Northwest USA
Jon: What were the athletic monikers for your elementary school, middle school, high school, and college?
Chris: Mustangs, Lancers, Highlanders, Huskies.
Jon: Horse, person, person, dog – two out of four.

Northeast USA
Ben: Hornets, Bulldogs, Bulldogs, Golden Gaels.
Jon: Two out of four.

Southmiddle USA
Steven: Eagles, Toros, Eagles, Armadillos.
Jon: One out of four.

Jon: This is like a social slot machine.

Jon: What were the athletic monikers for your elementary school, middle school, and high school? I know college was Spartans.
Northmiddle USA
Mike: Red Devils. Whole way through.
Jon: Red Devils, Red Devils, Red Devils, Spartans?

Rory: He must have attended a private K-12 school. Either that or Grosse Ile Townshippers are not very imaginative.

Rory: If he had attended Dickinson College – four of a kind!
Rory: If he pursues a master's at MSU – full house!
Rory: A flush: Five variations of a cat, or a dog, et cetera.
Jon: A straight: Cat, dog, bird, person, bear.
Matt: Ehh…

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

4. "If You Were A Black Guy" (The Midnight Beast, S02E01)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Music: "You Better Run" – Dr. C.J. Johnson (True Detective, S01E02)
  • "The hubris it must take to yank a soul out of non-existence into this…meat, and to force a life into this…thresher. Yeah, so my daughter, she, uh…she spared me the sin of being a father." (True Detective, S01E02)
  • "Back then, the visions, most of the time, I was convinced that I'd lost it. But there were other times, I thought I was mainlining the secret truth of the universe." (True Detective, S01E02)
  • Three cast members of Greek (Shameless, S04E02)
  • "My father only screwed a Mexican whore while he was with my mom, and they can't get pregnant." (Shameless, S04E02)
  • "You're a freshman."
    "Yeah, but I fuck like a sophomore." (Shameless, S04E02)
  • "She wants me to abort my baby!"
    "Over my dead sperm…" (Shameless, S04E02)

Gaby Hoffman's bush (Girls, S03E03)

  • I dig the naturalistic tone (Looking, S01E01)
  • "Really? A winking smiley face?"
    "What's wrong with that?"
    "What are you, a Japanese teenager?"
    "I– What?!"
    "Look, I was a Japanese teenager. I didn't even use a winking smiley face." (Looking, S01E01)
  • "With Asian parents, you have three options: doctor, engineer, or get beaten." (MasterChef Canada, S01E01)
  • Brock Lesnar trips over monitor, hurls it into ring (WWE Raw, 01-20-14)
  • "Zombie George Washington?" (Sleepy Hollow, S01E12)
  • "Remarkable stitching. An old flame of mine was a seamstress. She'd be most impressed."
    "Who'd you date? Betsy Ross?"
    "…How did you know that?" (Sleepy Hollow, S01E12)
  • Alien John Cho (Sleepy Hollow, S01E12)
  • "Prophecies have a nasty way of fulfilling themselves, if you let them." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E12)
  • "Does an alderman have an unwarranted self-regard?" (Sleepy Hollow, S01E12)
  • "You and I will choose our own destiny. We have free will. I choose to forge my fate with you." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E12)
  • "So does this mean we can finally give away that ratty coat?"
    "Please… And risk it be worn ironically by purveyors of artisanal marmalade who discovered it at a local thrift shop? I thank you, no. For judge a man not by the wear of what he wears, but by the where and how he wears it." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E13)
  • Diagetic piano gag (Sleepy Hollow, S01E13)
  • Sleepy Hollow Season Grade: B+

Pam eating a cocaine cast (Archer, S05E02)

  • "She's all…coke-strong." (Archer, S05E02)
  • "Oh my God, Lana, Lana, you know what I could totally go for right now?"
    "Some cocaine?" (Archer, S05E02)
  • "Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer." (Rick and Morty, S01E05)
  • "That's my new thing. I'm kinda like, what's his name, Arsenio." (Rick and Morty, S01E05)
  • "" (Chozen, S01E02)
  • Skin-colour-matching KKK hoods/robes (Chozen, S01E02)
  • "I'll be your rock – the Dwayne Johnson kind." (Chozen, S01E02)
  • "This is a classy tipi!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E14)
  • "Do you know any, like, time-consuming and free activities in Griffith Park?"
    "Gross! …Suicide?" (New Girl, S03E13)
  • "Sure you know how to tap a keg?"
    "How hard could it be? It's beer, for crying out loud. It's the drink of idiots." (New Girl, S03E13)
  • "A lot of people never graduated high school – Einstein, Bill Gates, Anne Frank… I'm gonna take back that last one." (New Girl, S03E13)
  • "Pussy is a powerful thing." (Justified, S05E03)
  • "Does this restaurant have blow jobs on the menu?" (Justified, S05E03)
  • "DJ Ango is…chained." (Workaholics, S04E01)
  • "I'm coven guard dog." – cringe! (American Horror Story, S03E12)
  • Nigella Lawson is a terrible judge of talent (The Taste, S02E04)
  • "Look, chard is disgusting. You try selling it without sexy dancers. It's impossible. It's like, 'Hey, you like lettuce? Try this, it's worse.' It tastes like kale took a dump on spinach."
    "I like to think of it as celery with B.O." (Parks and Recreation, S06E12)
  • "This is an excellent rectangle!" (Parks and Recreation, S06E12)
  • "It wasn't marijuana. It was heirloom tomatoes. [to the tomatoes] I'll see you at tonight's arrabbiata." (Enlisted, S01E03)
  • "Have a seat, buddy. Wait, stand."
    "I'll split the difference." (Enlisted, S01E03)
  • "Shot break! […] Ha! Nobody expects gin!" (Enlisted, S01E03)
  • "We're like a yogurt commercial." (Enlisted, S01E03)
  • "Jeffrey has a tummy ache!" (Saturday Night Live, S39E12)
  • "Great gash mileage." (Saturday Night Live, S39E12)


Gin Rickey

Apple and Google are currently running similar telly adverts for iPad Air and Google Play, respectively.

On a lark, I swapped the two adverts' narrations.

Google Play video + iPad Air audio mesh pretty well.

iPad Air video + Google Play audio is less harmonious. 0:24 ("bands have heart") and 0:48 ("it wants break-up songs"), however, are bullseye matches. And the last 10 seconds!

I also input both adverts into YouTube Doubler.

0:24 – both singing at concerts

1:01 – both underwater with fishes

1:19 – arms outstretched

Kill the moonlight

Last week, I used a men's office washroom in which the urinal was inside the toilet stall, beside the toilet.

Then this week, this Sochi men's washroom photo happened:

As if a stall door gap isn't discomforting enough.

Assuming that one can lock the stall door, when would two men poop concurrently? Father and young son? Also, the toilet paper seems out of reach.

Evidently, Russia was embarrassed:

Could've just removed one toilet and deemed it a handicapped stall.

Whenever I pee in a washroom without urinal dividers, I wonder about penis insecurity before urinal dividers existed. Surely it was an issue, and yet, no one thought to install dividers? They can't be very expensive.

What do you think the story is behind the first urinal divider? I imagine, like, a Rosa Parks of communal urination, which, incidentally, is the inverse of Rosa Parks – a white male.

Tired of slinking into a toilet stall to pee…

If I could gain any superpower, I would choose the ability to induce in anyone the feeling of needing to poop really badly.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

3. He Shall Overcome (WWE Raw, 11-13-14)

Rosenberg: "What a moment!!!! Is Daniel Bryan the most over wrestler since stone cold?!"

Stroud: "I'm not sure I could've liked five minutes of a Raw more."

Honourable Mention

  • Archer Vice (Archer, S05E01)
  • Axeman massacre (American Horror Story, S03E11)
  • Randy recites the plot of Toy Story 3 (Enlisted, S01E02)

Stray Observations

  • "Don't appall me when I'm high." (Sherlock, S03E03)
  • "Pressure Point: Marijuana." (Sherlock, S03E03)
  • "The problems of your past are your business. The problems of your future are my privilege." (Sherlock, S03E03)
  • "Assist me assist you." (Bob's Burgers, S04E10)
  • "P.S. I farted on the meat!" (Bob's Burgers, S04E10)
  • "Past a certain age, a man without a family can be a bad thing." (True Detective, S01E01)
  • "Can I ask you something? You're a Christian, yeah?"
    "Well, what do you got the cross for in your apartment?"
    "That's a form of meditation."
    "How's that?"
    "I contemplate the moment in the garden – the idea of allowing your own crucifixion."
    "But you're not a Christian, so what do you believe?"
    "I consider myself a realist, but in philosophical terms, I'm what's called a pessimist. I think human consciousness was a tragic misstep in evolution. We became too self-aware. Nature created an aspect of nature separate from itself. We are creatures that should not exist by natural law. We are things that labour under the illusion of having a self – a secretion of sensory experience and feeling, programmed with total assurance that we are each somebody, when in fact everybody's nobody. I think the honourable thing for our species to do is to deny our programming, stop reproducing, walk hand in hand into extinction, one last midnight, brothers and sisters opting out of a raw deal."
    "So, what's the point of getting out of bed in the morning?"
    "I tell myself I bear witness, but the real answer is that it's obviously my programming, and I lack the constitution for suicide." (True Detective, S01E01)
  • "I don't sleep. I just dream." (True Detective, S01E01)
  • Justin Chatwin is no longer listed in the opening credits (Shameless, S04E01)
  • "Mike your real name? Ever steal a car?" (Shameless, S04E01)
  • Two cast members of Greek (Shameless, S04E01)
  • Frank butt-chugging Franzia (Shameless, S04E01)
  • Adam's reactions to Shoshanna (Girls, S03E01/S03E02)
  • "So, what, we form a cartel?"
    "Well, how hard could it be? I mean, if Mexicans can do it…" (Archer, S05E01)
  • "I will give you a Salisbury steak." (Chozen, S01E01)
  • Butthole saxophone Sanford and Son theme (Chozen, S01E01)
  • "Looks like you just got into a fist fight at a bukkake party and the dicks won." (Chozen, S01E01)
  • "They got the jenkem running through their bloodstream." (Chozen, S01E01)
  • Audio: "punk-o" / Closed captioning: "punk cunt" (Chozen, S01E01)
  • "I'm gonna have to turn off the tap."
    "What tap?"
    "The sex tap."
    "But I need my vitamin D…" (New Girl, S03E12)
  • Audio: "brotha" / Closed captioning: "nigga" (Justified, S05E02)
  • "Dewey Crowe's whorehouse ain't gonna have no fatties running around." (Justified, S05E02)
  • "And so it is with great sadness we must say goodbye to Nan…who fell in the tub." (American Horror Story, S03E11)
  • "Diet Sprite." (American Horror Story, S03E11)
  • "That ain't magic. It's an antihistamine." (American Horror Story, S03E11)
  • "Well, turds on that." (American Horror Story, S03E11)
  • "Troy and Abed are in mourning." (Community, S05E04)
  • "You think I'm gonna sit here and listen to you sing the praises of strawberry filling when we both know you've been a banana man since mom baked you that monkey cake on your eighth birthday?" (Enlisted, S01E02)
  • Parker Young crying ≥ Donald Glover crying (Enlisted, S01E02)


The Radiator Hums

I am so confused by this Selfie Olympics entry:

That was his best idea?

Rory: You assume that he had other ideas.
Rory: Also:
Rory: "Senior year of high school, I (unintentionally) wore blackface to school one day as part of a vision I wanted to realise that also involved colouring my hair grey and dressing in a bright orange polo shirt, bright orange board shorts, and suspenders."
Jon: Like I said, that was to realise a vision! You think I'd do that for fuckin' selfie? No!

A good indictment of how narcissistic our culture has become is the number of blooper reels on YouTube for user-generated YouTube content.

• science project BLOOPERS by greg and keenan
• My room tour bloopers
• Drugstore Haul Bloopers!

A YouTube video should have to reach 100,000 views before its author(s) can post a blooper reel for it.

Empty Lots City Blocks

Idea: Liam Neeson film magnetic poetry.

I think it would be funny if the host of Saturday Night Live just played one cast member's recurring characters.

Drake is hosting this week. What if he played a recurring Kenan Thompson character in every sketch and no one acknowledged the substitution?

Kenan, meanwhile, doesn't appear on the show at all, or only appears behind Drake as he's closing the show. Maybe they hug.

Kissing babies and hugging fat girls

Danielle e-mailed me out of the blue.

i want you to have stronger opinions about movies. almost every single movie is "okay."

You want me to feign enthusiasm or aversion?

i want you to talk about movies more.

Well, when you don't have strong opinions, there is little worth talking about.

i was hoping you'd write about her.


My thoughts during Her:

—If this film is nominated for "Best Picture," Chris Pratt will have appeared in a "Best Picture" nominee for three consecutive years.

—Who is voicing Samantha? She sounds like Rashida Jones.

—This actress playing the surrogate has bad teeth.

—That building looks familiar. I think we drove past it in China.

—Guh. Fuckin' break up already!

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

2. Jumping Jacks (Enlisted, S01E01)

Stray Observations

(Sherlock, S03E02)

  • "A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious, and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world." (Sherlock, S03E02)
  • Pulp Fiction reference (Sherlock, S03E02)
  • "Bland, boring Jessica. If she were a spice, she'd be flour. If she were a book, she'd be two books." (Bob's Burgers, S04E09)
  • "This moment is so chill and absent of drama, I want to call it 'Tim Duncan.'" (New Girl, S03E11)
  • "You look like a Boyz II Men Easter album." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E12)

(Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E12)

  • "Don't quote Die Hard." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E12)
  • "I didn't take you for a tennis fan, Mr. Crowder, but the only reason I can see you calling at this hour is to discuss Azarenka's last match." (Justified, S05E01)
  • "Can I get you a blow job or something?" (Justified, S05E01)
  • "I start arresting girls, how's that for business, Dewey? You and Wade the only two pussies in this whorehouse." (Justified, S05E01)
  • "It's called growing up and having your own interests, like the minister's daughter in your precious Footloose."
    "Wow. Using my own movie against me. [claps] Let's hear it for the boy." (Modern Family, S05E11)
  • "I'm a huge Eminem fan. When's he get here?"
    "Marshall? You're not his type." (American Horror Story, S03E10)
  • "Put out that cigarette. Now stick it in your vagina." (American Horror Story, S03E10)
  • Patti LuPone drinking bleach (American Horror Story, S03E10)
  • "It's like what Sir Ian McKellen said to me the day I sold my boat to Karl Lagerfeld: 'Parting is such sweet sorrow.'" (Parks and Recreation, S06E10)
  • "Is it done? Well, how many times did he turn the paper over? Oh… That is disappointing." (Parks and Recreation, S06E10)
  • "Enrique Shockwave." (Parks and Recreation, S06E10)
  • RT: #ParksandRec fans have a new pilgrimage site in Paris. (Parks and Recreation, S06E10)
  • "'Jonas Morehouse. Your fat.' Your fat? Why did you put that?"
    "Let me see that. It's supposed to be 'your father.' Damn fool ran out of space."
    "He should have managed his space better." (The Spoils of Babylon, S01E01)

(The Spoils of Babylon, S01E02)

  • "No one likes an ironic name!" (Enlisted, S01E01)


Go to another party and hang myself

Is this the Shane Carruth film? I think so. How many films titled Upstream Colour can there be?

It looks like a direct-to-video horror film.

"Starring Porn Stars."

According to its cover, the four-DVD set is "100% commercial free."

Oh, it's a series!

16 Hours of Hairy TWO? That's a lot of…hairy.

I'm tempted to spend a day live-blogging one of these. How long is a flight from California to India?

Low Winter Sound

[looks at date]


I am chuffed to present The 20/13 Experience, a two-part, three-hour audio celebration of the past year.

Part one (Walt), which I produced, is a scruffy mix of songs, film/television snippets, and Weird SoundCloud amusements.

Part two (Jesse), which our mate Ben produced, is a professional DJ mix.

The two parts only share three artists, and different songs at that.

Oh and hey, for the first time, you can stream an Adam Riff™ mix! Let's test our web host's "unlimited bandwidth."

1"Comedy Bang! Bang!" - Senatorial Candidate Felix Dewhurst
2Chance The Rapper - Good Ass Intro (feat. BJ The Chicago Kid, Lili K., Kiara Lanier, Peter Cottontale, Will from The O'My's)
3Shone - Baby Shakes
4Ciley Myrus - Brecking Wall (D.J. Detweiler Remix)
5Blaenavon - Prague
6Bo Burnham - From God's Perspective
7CHVRCHES - The Mother We Share
8Keaton Henson - Lying To You
9"Spring Breakers" - Look At My Shit
10Danny Brown - Smokin & Drinkin
11Ideaot - Same Love Yourself
12Frameworks - Preamble
13HAIM - If I Could Change Your Mind
14"The Eric Andre Show" - Hannibal's Pretzels
15Parquet Courts - Stoned And Starving
16"Enlightened" - The Ghost
17JJ DOOM - Banished (Beck Remix)
18Oscar Isaac And Marcus Mumford - Fare Thee Well (Dink's Song)
19TheGearGabber - BLURred Lines
20Stinky Smelly - Nevada Test Site
21Ta-ku - We Were In Love
22"This Is The End" - Franco vs. McBride
23Deafheaven - Vertigo
24"Nathan For You" - Sean Connery
25John Newman - Love Me Again
26Crystal Fighters - You & I
27Coma Cinema - Virgin Veins
28Thomas Ripper - tech_support.wav
29Kanye West - Hold My Liquor
30FIDLAR - No Waves
31"Breaking Bad" - Badger's "Star Trek" Script
32Lorde - Bravado
33The World Is A Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid To Die - Getting Sodas
34"The Kings Of Summer" - Biaggio
35Run The Jewels - A Christmas Fucking Miracle

alternate download link

1Ben Cohen - The 20/13 Experience

alternate download link

Thanks to Corbin Portillo for the artwork; and Steven, Pinder, Matt, Jon Wilcox, and Adam Robot for their help.

see also:

Calm Like A Bomb

Elizabeth: Have you been to the cupcake vending machine in Beverly Hills?
Jon: What?

Cupcake ATM
For Sprinkles addicts on the go, the Cupcake ATM is continuously restocked day and night with a variety of freshly baked cupcakes

And just a few miles away…

January 18th… That's MLK weekend. I have a dream indeed.

Jesse Cornell Blues

I can't fall asleep nowadays without feeling like I'm gonna die. At some point every night, while lying in bed, I feel my heart failing and freak out internally.

McKern successfully guilted me into standardly tipping 20%.

20% should be easier to calculate than 12% or 15%, but I increasingly find myself multiplying by hand.

6 times 2 is 12, carry the 1…

As someone who was classically trained in arithmetic (i.e. Kumon), struggling to calculate 20% in my head is mortifying.

While it's the right thing to do, tipping 20% feels like paying a hidden fee. I feel stung by my generosity. When you add tip, an innocuous $82.00 bill balloons to…

0 times 2, 2 plus 6…

To almost $100.00!

In my youth, my mother hired someone to tutor me in using an abacus. In retrospect, why did my mother want me to master use of an abacus in the '90s?