Adam Riff™ Clips of the Year

To recap:
1. The Eric Andre New Year's Eve Spooktacular
2. Bob's Burgers
3. Utopia
4. Modern Family
5. Utopia
6. Parks and Recreation
7. Banshee
8. The Jeselnik Offensive
9. Shameless
10. Nathan For You
11. The Ben Show
12. Justified
13. Loiter Squad
14. WWE Raw
15. Nathan For You
16. Game of Thrones
17. Game of Thrones
18. Hannibal
19. The Office
20. The Office
21. Mad Men
22. Arrested Development
23. Game of Thrones
24. Vice
25. WWE Raw
26. Mad Men
27. Total Blackout
28. Sharknado
29. Ray Donovan
30. Ray Donovan
31. The Killing
32. Childrens Hospital
33. Breaking Bad
34. The Bridge
35. Breaking Bad / Southcliffe
36. Futurama
37. Dexter
38. Bad Education
39. The League
40. Survivor
41. Eastbound and Down
42. American Horror Story
43. American Horror Story
44. The Eric Andre Show
45. Sons of Anarchy
46. The Eric Andre Show
47. Eastbound and Down
48. Boardwalk Empire
49. The Eric Andre Show
50. American Horror Story
51. Key and Peele

And finally, from our Television Episode of the Year:

52. ??? (Black Mirror, S02E02)

Adam Riff™ Television Episodes of the Year
1. "White Bear" (Black Mirror, S02E02)
2. "The Claw of Shame" (Nathan For You, S01E07)
3. "The Ghost Is Seen" (Enlightened, S02E05)
4. "Scott Porter; Brutus 'The Barber' Beefcake" (The Eric Andre Show, S02E10)
5. "The Hermit Kingdom" (Vice, S01E10)

Looking ahead:

Archer vs. Raw during WrestleMania season! And not just any Archer

Season 5 of Archer sends the cast on the lam, attempting to sell drugs after the government shuts down ISIS. [source]


The Top 11 Fight Scenes of 2013

Yes, this list goes to 11, and could easily be 22, as 2013 was a strong year for fight scenes.

Big thanks to Swaggy D for his help. Please report any broken videos.

11. Underwear Fight (Delocated)
An odd mix of absurdity and brutality.

10. Washroom Fight (The World's End)
Choreographed by the leader of Jackie Chan's stunt team.

9. Magic Fight (Now You See Me)
Free association: Home Alone. Dave Franco mastered card-throwing for this scene.

8. Audition Fight (Man of Tai Chi)
Keanu Reeves directs the man responsible for his martial arts training during production of the Matrix trilogy.

7. Casino Fight (Banshee)
To television writer Alan Sepinwall, The Sopranos' fifth episode, "College," was the episode that got people to pay attention. "The Sopranos didn't become The Sopranos until 'College.'" This scene was Banshee's "College."

6. Gun Fight (The Berlin File)
Whip it good.

5. Furniture Fight (Chinese Zodiac)
You still got it [clap clap clap-clap-clap].

4. Car Chase Fight (Special ID)
Two great tastes that taste great together.

3. Train Station Fight (The Grandmaster)
That is one long ass train. The filmmakers spent two months on this scene.

2. Dojo Fight (Ninja: Shadow of a Tear)
A direct-to-video production that puts Hollywood to shame.

1. Car Park/Elevator Fight (New World)
If New World is a cross between The Godfather and The Departed, then this scene is Scorsese's version of Sonny at the tollbooth.

see also:

Five Birds, Six Times, Life Is War

On the fifth season of TLC's MY STRANGE ADDICTION premiering Wednesday, January 1st at 9/8c —

• Jennifer, 26, has been addicted to eating mattresses for more than twenty years. Her family worries Jennifer's mattress diet could be killing her, since she's consumed a total of eight beds.

• Toby, 33, has spent over $100,000 on plastic surgery to transform into the perfect doppelganger of Justin Bieber.

• Keyshia, 22, started chewing on and smelling dirty diapers two years ago. Since then, Keyshia has been filling her cupboards, drawers and purse with pee-soaked diapers to satisfy her cravings.

Just when I thought I was out…

The rubble or our sins

Emily: I plan to begin having children in two years.
Jon: How many children do you want?
Emily: Three. I hate being an only child, and two children doesn't feel like proper family to me.

At lunch with my cousin Emily and her parents on Saturday, she noted that her father, whose kidneys are failing, only has five or six years left to live.

He made silly faces when we posed for group photos.

All of my grandparents are long deceased. I never met two of them, and the other two…

My mother's mother lived with my nuclear family when I was a child.

One afternoon, I heard her calling for me from the bathroom we shared.

"Jon! Jon!"

I couldn't be bothered to answer, but eventually stomped toward the bathroom in a huff to discover her supine on the toilet.

That was the beginning of her end.

I only ever knew my father's father as a body atrophying on a bed. He couldn't really speak, but he was responsive – at least, early on.

He was the last of my grandparents to die.

As his oldest grandson, I should've attended his funeral, but I wanted to hand out copies of the latest edition of my high school's newspaper, which I had worked on. I told my parents that I couldn't attend because of exams.

My father asked me to write a eulogy for my grandfather, which would be placed in his coffin and buried with him.

My eulogy was the lyrics to "The Day the World Went Away" by Nine Inch Nails.

Increasingly, I dread the deaths of my parents, not so much losing them as losing safety blankets.

Mommy's death will be sadder, but if daddy dies first, I'm fucked. Who will I consult about health insurance?

What if they both die around the same time, like Dave Eggers' parents?

I've been looking at housing listings in the Pacific Northwest and getting anxious. I have never had to find housing before, let alone furnish it.

What are you doing, Jon?

I am 31 years old.

I am a child.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

51. People Park (Key and Peele, S03E12)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "That's how I want to go out – dehydrated and covered in tinsel."
    "Sounds like a gay pride parade." (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)
  • "I have a ham in the oven."
    "You have to fart?" (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)
  • "We have a date with a fat old man."
    "We're chubby chasers."
    "Tina, don't say that. That's not nice to say."
    "Fat fetishists?" (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)
  • "I'm more of a branch man." (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)
  • A Christmas parody of Duel! (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)
  • "I guess he's not in a hurry."
    "Maybe the speed limit is 7." (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)
  • "Hurry up. We need to get back on the road."
    "It might take a minute. My bladder asked if my colon could come out and play, and my colon was like, 'sure thing.'" (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)
  • "I have a ham in the oven, remember?"
    "Just fart, dad, it's okay." (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)
  • "Dad, where do babies come from?"
    "You all come from my vagina." (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)
  • "That's a dumb place to keep bowls." (Bob's Burgers, S04E08)

(Bob's Burgers, S04E08)

  • "Gonorrhea can't see us if we don't move." (Rick and Morty, S01E03)
  • "You dodged a bullet, Morty. Trust me. Puffy vagina." (Rick and Morty, S01E03)
  • "Subtlety can lick my balls and then eat a plate of my ass for dessert." (Bad Education, S02E07)
  • "How can we cure AIDS with no music to dance to?" (Bad Education, S02E07)

(Bad Education, S02E07)

  • "Circle of Life" introduction (Bad Education, S02E07)
  • "Put the pussy on the chainwax." (Key and Peele, S03E12)
  • "So Santa, what is your favourite holiday?"
    "I've never thought about it. Presidents Day is nice, 'cause there's sheet sales. I like Thanksgiving, because, you know, I'm a tryptophan nut." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E20)


Old Chokes

I think television shows nowadays need to be on Netflix if they wish to be relevant, particularly among young people.

I think a show like Veep would benefit mightily if it wasn't exclusive to HBO GO.

If Netflix is Xbox One, then HBO GO is Wii U.

Fox-produced FX shows are on Netflix, but Sony-produced Justified, which airs on FX, is not.

Earlier this year, Sony sold exclusive USA streaming rights for Justified to Amazon.

How annoyed is FX at Sony? Justified could multiply its audience via Netflix like Sony-produced Breaking Bad, but is instead stuck adding via Amazon.

If Netflix is ESPN, then Sony is Gary Bettman.

NBCUniversal, Fox, and Disney-ABC jointly own Hulu.

I suppose if Netflix will pay to license shows you produce, why not, right? Dual revenue streams in the streaming sector.

If Netflix is iOS, then Hulu is Google.

As Your Ghost Takes Flight

Mark Trombino opened a donut shop? Mark Trombino opened a donut shop.

Methinks another trip to SoCal is in order.

Trying to think up more…

The Jelly Sound.

Pumpkin Corporate.

Hello Rockview

So this is a real television programme.

Like Unsolved Mysteries, but for accidents during sex.

Meanwhile, on sister channel TLC:

I feel like I should rebuke the minstrel show that is Best Funeral Ever, but…

• The community remembers a man who loved candy so much that his casket is dipped in chocolate for the whole town to eat. [source]


At said candyman's funeral, a pastor preaches from inside a gingerbread man costume.


Started from the bottom now we're here – post #5000 on Adam Riff™. Only took us 13 years, 3 months, and 7 days, or 4846 days – almost a post a day for the past 5000 days.

To commemorate, we decided to publish "The Unfinished Post."

Five years ago, Ben began composing a post. That post has been idling since in our CMS. "Drafts (1)."

Well, no longer!

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, "The Unfinished Post":

This has been Adam Riff™'s 5000th post.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

50. Race to Witch Mountain (American Horror Story, S03E09)

Some context: The severed head belongs to an immortal racist to whom the negro spiritual is diegetic, the gunman is a witch hunter, and Precious is a human voodoo doll.

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Kids are horrible. Why do we keep making them?" (Bob's Burgers, S04E07)
  • "Hey Bob, I made this guy say 'yes' with my body!" (Bob's Burgers, S04E07)
  • "Celebrating yuletide with a titular display of lumber." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E10)
  • "What hellish form of torment is this?"
    "Fun house mirrors."
    "When did irony become a national pastime?" (Sleepy Hollow, S01E10)
  • "You embroidered my name on some oversized hosiery." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E10)
  • "Where are my testicles, Summer?" (Rick and Morty, S01E02)
  • Jax runs over a dove – subtle! (Sons of Anarchy, S06E13)
  • "Problems in Taco Nation?" (Sons of Anarchy, S06E13)
  • RT: "How racist was it that the Mayans paid the 9ers in rice and beans to symbolize them putting food on their table?" (Sons of Anarchy, S06E13)

The second barbecue fork attack in an FX drama this year (Sons of Anarchy, S06E13)

  • "Trees are like women – the best ones make you work a little bit harder."
    "She's just not that into you." (Modern Family, S05E10)
  • "I'll see you in Vancouver, eh? No, Luke, do the accent again." (Modern Family, S05E10)
  • "Bitch, how you not the hobbit again?" (South Park, S17E10)
  • "What the head said!" (American Horror Story, S03E09)
  • "Witch hunters is white women's worry." (American Horror Story, S03E09)

(The Eric Andre Show, S02E10)

  • "We got Black Friday now? Barf. Wasn't February enough?" (Saturday Night Live, S39E09)
  • "All I want for Christmas is my two neighbours not to be Chinese anymore." (Saturday Night Live, S39E09)
  • "My heart and my genitals say 'no,' but my hypoglycemia says 'yes.'" (Saturday Night Live, S39E09)


The Fat of the Land

I yearn to attend an office Christmas party, with Secret Santa and whatnot.

Since graduating from college, I have either been unemployed in December, or employed by a company too small to bother with an office Christmas party, as I am currently.

I probably wouldn't have a good time at an office Christmas party, but I would like to experience one.

Eater's Digest: Los Angeles

Pork belly is exasperatingly ubiquitous in Los Angeles. Every eatery seems to have a signature pork belly dish – a pork belly sandwich, or pork belly tacos, et cetera. In Venice, I visited a sandwich shop called Pork Belly's, and in Koreatown, there is a restaurant that serves "8 flavours of pork belly."

Pork Belly Chips (Beer Belly, Koreatown)
pork belly, sweet onion sugar, tabasco aioli

Chewy, bland, and paired with an acrid sauce – one of the rare plates in my life that I did not clean. My waitress graciously removed this atrocity from my bill.

Popcorn Bacon (Black Hogg, Silver Lake)
bite-sized house-made bacon morsels, maple crema

Or: Popcorn Pork Belly.

A nothing appetizer. Unlike pork belly chips, however, this one was at least mildly palatable.

Chicken Cracklin Sandwich (The Hart and the Hunter, Beverly Grove)
chicken skin, bacon, lettuce, tomato, avocado

Chicken skin > pork belly. (Petty Cash Taqueria, Mid-City)
guacamole, sea urchin, chicharrones

Lives up to its name.

Pig Ear Nachos (Petty Cash Taqueria, Mid-City)
crema poblana, soft egg

A waste of pig ear. It could have been any meat.

Steak Fries (TLT Food, Westwood)
marinated steak, asian slaw, homemade wontons, cilantro chimichurri

An atypically fresh fries dish that I ordered instead of pork belly nachos.

Death by Duck (Beer Belly, Koreatown)
duck fat fries, duck skin cracklins, duck confit, raspberry mustard dipping sauce

My favourite fries dish that I ate in Los Angeles. It could use some more duck meat.

Galbi Poutine (Seoul Sausage Company, Little Osaka)
8 hr. braised short ribs, twice fried french fries, cheese, kim-chi pickled onions, avocado lime crema

Honourable mention fries dish.

Cheesy Churros (Petty Cash Taqueria, Mid-City)
butternut squash mole dip

I expected, like, cheesy bread, not cheese-dusted choux. The dip didn't help.

Cheesy Weezy (The Alibi Room, Culver City)
grilled sourdough with cheddar, peanut butter, caramelized bananas, salsa naranja, sesame seeds

It was like a vegetarian Elvis.

[The Alibi Room is the famed Kogi BBQ food truck's brick-and-mortar outpost, serving the same menu plus alcoholic beverages.]

53rd and 6th Lamb and Rice (Black Hogg, Silver Lake)
roast lamb belly, jasmine rice, harissa slaw, garlic cream

A fancy play on the lamb platter by New York City's famed 53rd and 6th Halal Guys food cart.

Zeek Po' Boy (Uncle Darrow's, Marina del Rey)
catfish, shrimp, tater salad

The best thing I ate in Los Angeles. Immensely satisfying.

Butter Biscuits (The Hart and the Hunter, Beverly Grove)
cinnamon honey butter, pimento cheese, blackberry jam

Stupendous buttery wonders. Wish they were bigger.

Deep Dish Apple Pie (Al Gelato, Beverly Hills)
3 layers of apples, homemade caramel sauce

The slice I received was like eight inches tall (hashtag Jason Biggs). Way too much apple – tart apple – wrapped in a crappy dough.

Snickers Pancake (Beer Belly, Koreatown)
pancake, snickers, whipped cream, syrup

You can't see it, but this brunch item is also studded with chunks of Snickers.


Now it's just Rival Schools and mewithoutYou on our car rides

On Saturday, I awoke to my brother blasting "Demons" by Imagine Dragons on a loop for an hour. Home sweet Guantanamo.

I heard "She Knows" by J. Cole on the radio.

Evidently, the word "damned" is unsuitable for broadcast.

[blank] if I do, [blank] if I don't

The hang-ups with language in America dismay me.

[sees 2014 Grammy nominees for "Album of the Year"]

Ehh…looks about right.

No one over 35 should be able to compile a respectable "albums of the year" list. 35+ year-old contemporary music enthusiast is one step above cat lady.

My album of the year:

So who's eligible for an Oscar next year?

Alex Ebert (Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros)
All Is Lost

Arcade Fire and Owen Pallett


The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Ed Sheeran
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Jay Z
The Great Gatsby

José González
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

Karen O (Yeah Yeah Yeahs)

Kings of Leon
August: Osage County

Lana Del Rey
The Great Gatsby


Pharrell Williams
Despicable Me 2

Spring Breakers

Taylor Swift
One Chance

Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

49. Black Scientologists (The Eric Andre Show, S02E09)

Stray Observations

  • "But then it was horribly ruined forever, like three out of five of my sexy parts after I had kids." (Bob's Burgers, S04E06)
  • "I still got two out of five sexy parts." (Bob's Burgers, S04E06)
  • "Look, I'm not insensitive to the needs of women. I mean, I read Jane Eyre in college. Or, no, Jane Austen." (Masters of Sex, S01E10)
  • "This is Principal Vagina. No relation." (Rick and Morty, S01E01)
  • "Oh look, honey, it's our son with Albert Ein-douche."
    "I'm an angry father, not an improviser." (Rick and Morty, S01E01)
  • "Tushy."
    "It's touché." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E11)
  • "Ciera, it was to rustle feathers."
    "Ruffle. Ruffle feathers."
    "You said 'rustle' feathers."
    "Rustle, ruffle, whatever. I don't care."
    "Russell is a first name. Ruffle is, uh…"
    "Rustle. R-U-S-T-L-E. Rustling leaves. You can also rustle feathers." (Survivor, S27E12)
  • "I ate my son for a Blu-ray player." (South Park, S17E09)
  • Bill Gates' "MS-DOS 13" tattoo (South Park, S01E10)
  • "Is that a Jumpin' Jack with cheese I smell?" (American Horror Story, S03E08)

(The Eric Andre Show, S02E09)

  • "Hey, Questlove's in the house."
    "Questlove, you're not in the house.
    "You're nowhere."
    "Questlove…I'm your father." (The Eric Andre Show, S02E09)
  • "Oh oh-oh, you don't know your basic facts." (Saturday Night Live, S39E08)
  • "A guy wearing a necklace over a turtleneck." (Saturday Night Live, S39E08)
  • Bill Brasky! (Saturday Night Live, S39E08)
  • "He once date-raped Karl Malone on a dare." (Saturday Night Live, S39E08)


Is this the fate that half of the world has planned for me?

For the past few months, I have been getting the urge to paint a black "X" on my face.

I don't know why I have been getting the urge to paint a black "X" on my face, but I picture myself painting a black "X" on my face almost daily.

Sometimes I feel a black "X" painted on my face, like a phantom limb.

Dave Lozo just joined Google+

Homecomings when you don't use Facebook:

Daddy: Your cousin Wayne is getting married next May in Taipei, and your cousin Emily is getting married next June in Atlanta. Can you attend their weddings?
Jon: Sure…

Jon: Why is Winston at home?
Daddy: He quit his job.
Jon: In this economy?

Jon: Why are B's kids here?
Mommy: She got a job.
Jon: Are they strapped for cash?

Jon: He opened a candy store? In Sacramento?

I have to attend an unnecessary business lunch today, and the middle-aged white people I'm meeting chose a Chinese restaurant. I'm not sure if it's because they like dim sum, or if it's because I'm Asian.

John Krokidas has been set to helm Standard Loneliness Package, based on a Charles Yu short story.

Pic is set in the near future, where a recent college graduate gets an entry-level job at a tech company where he's paid to experience painful events in other people's lives. He falls desperately in love with his boss, and tries to build a genuine relationship in a society that's becoming entirely virtual. [source]

I am all in on this film.