We are not perfect but we sure try

I have spent, oh, five years of my life in Los Angeles, and drove in Los Angeles for the first time today.

The friend whose flat I'm staying at fled early for Thanksgiving and left me the keys to her car.


Why is the brake warning light on?

[checks parking brake lever]

It's not the parking brake. Hmm…


[presses brake pedal]

Oh fuck!


[consults user manual]

"The brake system indicator will stay lit if you do not fully release the parking brake." It's released.

"You will feel the brake pedal go down much farther before the vehicle begins to slow down, and you will have to press harder on the pedal." Yes.

"Because of the long distance needed to stop, it is hazardous to drive the vehicle. You should have it towed and repaired as soon as possible." GUH.

Do I need this car's registration for towing?

[ruffles through glovebox]

Where is the registration document?

Aaaaand my AAA card is in NorCal. [sighs]

Let me try driving back to the flat.


[slams brake pedal]

Brake brake brake brake brake!


Jon: I noticed the brake warning light, checked that the parking brake lever was pulled all the way up, and then brake pedal sensitivity plummeted. I can't stop your car at will, only slow it.
E: The parking brake lever was up?
Jon: Yes. All the way up.
E: Jon, the lever is supposed to be down.

[pause]

Asians, amirite?

E: You've never used a parking brake?!
Jon: Why would I use parking brake?! I don't drive stick, and I don't park on hills!

Jon: Pushing a lever down to release a brake is unintuitive. So you press down to apply and release brakes on your car?
Jon: You pull a ship's anchor up. You flip a bicycle's kickstand up.


[mobile rings]

Jon: Hello?
Pepe: Jon, where are you?
Jon: I'm driving around Los Angeles. What's up?
Pepe: When you disposed of my bed, what did you do with the red rug underneath it?
Jon: I disposed of it too.
Pepe: WHAT?! Jon, that was a Jonathan Adler rug!
Jon: I…that means nothing to me. Blank stare.
Pepe: It cost $600!
Jon: Well, it was filthy.

I've been fighting him on rugs for months.

I don't think you should have rugs in your flat if you don't remove your shoes upon entry. I can measure the cleanliness of a hardwood floor, but an everyday rug is a filth mystery.


Idea: Other countries produce their own Doctor Who series and every few years, the various Doctor Whos unite in a film, à la The Avengers.

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