Don't I look like I'm Irv Gotti

Theo Epstein, Tom Ricketts, you have two years pull off the most legendary championship win of all time.

At the gym today, this popped into my head:

If I was 17 right now, I would pursue a career in optometry, because everyone's gonna have vision problems in the future.

Of all possible innovations, I want, more than anything, a system so that every time you charge something to a debit or credit card, a digital copy of the receipt is automatically created and stored in the cloud for future accounting purposes. No more missing receipts – or scanning. Convert receipts into spreadsheet data with one click.

Idea: The Fast and the Futurists. Toretto's crew vs. Skynet.


RZA leads a small army of martial-arts warriors, each with a number tattoo to indicate how good they are. Among them are the lethally brutal Number 2 (Crump) and the fierce Twenty (Rhatha), whose tattoo is spelled out across her cleavage.

Kham (Jaa) is pursued by RZA's gang of toughs, and is eventually captured and branded as No 1.

One fun bit has Jaa and Crump fighting on an electrified railway line. In a move that defies the laws of physics, they both dip their feet in water and stand on the rails shocking each other. As their fists swing they make the same sounds as lightsabers from Star Wars.

Haven't you sucked my marrow enough?

Previously on Adam Riff™: Nike vs. Spencer Gifts

I saw a Nike message shirt that read "MAKE ¢ENTS."

I assume that message is related to Penny Hardaway, because otherwise, it's not very aspirational. "BE HOMELESS." Penny penny coin y'all.

Asians make cents for making "MAKE ¢ENTS." shirts.

So. Tempted.

To be fair, Green Ranger, I wouldn't tap either if I knew I shared DNA with God.

104 Floors of Compromise

Pumpkin-flavoured Snickers?

[inspects wrapper]

Oh. No. Pumpkin-SHAPED Snickers.

Pumpkin-shaped Snickers?! Is a gimmick really necessary to sell Snickers during Halloween time?

Jram: Mars also produces egg-shaped Snickers for Easter.

Jon: Heh. Snickers Coal.

"What did you get for Christmas?"
"[sigh] Snickers."


Jram: Pumpkin-flavoured puffs, though?
Jon: They're more sensical than cheese puffs shaped like pumpkins!

Jon: Candy-cane-shaped Shrimp Flavoured Chips.
Jon: Combos with terse romantic messages printed on them.

So is this like mint Nutella or mint Reese's? Because…minty peanut butter?

Colombians, amirite?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

43. Precious masturbates to a minotaur (American Horror Story, S03E03)

Honourable Mention

  • Trail of Pigs (The Walking Dead, S04E02)
  • Madame LaLaurie reacts to Obama (American Horror Story, S03E03)
  • Sideline Interview (Key and Peele, S03E06)
  • Ranch It Up! (The Eric Andre Show, S02E04)
  • Road Trip (The Birthday Boys, S01E02)

Stray Observations

  • "Because of my martial arts training, my muscles are attuned to excel at oriental activities." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "The dick wants to be a hunk." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "That's some Amores Perros right there, motherfucker." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "Why are you taking me onto the set of City of God, man?" (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "Everyone loves poor black kids – Diff'rent Strokes, Dangerous Minds, Urkel… White guilt, man. Get with the program."
    "No, I know. Box office returns on Blind Side were huge." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "Polyester pleats? You fuckin' jackass!" (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "I need your linguistics to be on point. Talk about finances. Talk about ancient affairs. Industrialism. I need you to be the fuckin' Bill O'Reilly with tits in there." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "The bell is for symbolisms." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "Kemosabe, you're showing brain." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "Breast cancer…for teens." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "Fuckin' George Washington didn't do shit. He can suck my fuckin' dick. I fuckin' hate that faggot." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)
  • "Mortals falter. Kings act. And the mortal who acts… Well, that motherfucker becomes king." (Eastbound and Down, S04E04)

(Eastbound and Down, S04E04)

  • "I'm inspired a lot by the fashions of Adrien Brody." (Hello Ladies, S01E04)
  • "When does a gay man become a faggot? When he leaves the room." (Hello Ladies, S01E04)
  • "How did we end up in this bed together like dick-touching Jonas brothers?" (China, IL, S02E05)
  • "Take your face back to Mordor." (China, IL, S02E05)
  • "You find this surprising?! She was fucking a roach." (China, IL, S02E05)

Academy Award winner Octavia Spencer (Mom, S01E05)

  • "Let me guess. You are…dumpy Chuck Norris."
    "No, I'm–"
    "Dumpy Ron Weasley."
    "You guys, stop it. He put thought into his costume, and he is obviously Miranda from Sex and the City."
    "Guys, I'm Mario Batali! Molto Mario? Celebrity chef? Ginger prince of Little Italy?"
    "Is he also a homeless troll doll? 'Cause you look like a homeless troll doll."
    "Eric Stoltz from Mask."
    "I'll take it."
    "We need two undercovers at the DeKalb Street warehouse party. Boyle, you're already in costume as, uh, Joy Behar?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E06)
  • "Mrs. Schmidt wrote that little fat loser a letter of support from the star of his favorite movie, Batman, but not the confusing new one, the good one, with Michael Keaton." (New Girl, S03E06)
  • Slow-loading image of half-naked woman in flashback (New Girl, S03E06)
  • "I guess I'll just always be the fat boy who eats fat boy cheese." (New Girl, S03E06)
  • Winston as David Letterman (New Girl, S03E06)
  • "Hey, Winston, by the way, great costume. Maya Angelou." (New Girl, S03E06)
  • "That is Michael Keaton. Why is he wearing his costume from the movie he did 24 years ago?"
    "If he wore the outfit from Clean and Sober, you wouldn't recognize him." (New Girl, S03E06)
  • "" (New Girl, S03E06)
  • "You don't need Keaton. You got me."
    [shudders] "What was that?"
    "I'm so sorry…"
    "Why would you say something like that?! The end of a high school football movie?" (New Girl, S03E06)
  • "My family… We judge and we hate, and when we have scorched every earth and we're all used up, we die – miserably." (Sons of Anarchy, S06E07)
  • Tara! (Sons of Anarchy, S06E07)
  • Joshua James – "Crash This Train (Acoustic)" (Sons of Anarchy, S06E07)
  • "I've got the power to fuck powers out of people. Now I've got a chance to use my cock for good." (Misfits, S05E01)
  • "I was shagging the devil out of you." (Misfits, S05E01)
  • RT: "There are a lot of things I'm not enjoying about MODERN FAMILY, but Lily suddenly being able to do comedy almost makes up for them." (Modern Family, S05E06)
  • The episode seems like an excuse to play "Seven" by Sunny Day Real Estate on television (South Park, S17E04)

(American Horror Story, S03E03)

  • RT: "AHS is wrong. Semen can't boil. It has no boiling point bcuz the protein in it would cause it to solidify when heated." (American Horror Story, S03E03)
  • "Dr. Phil says that kids from broken homes use food to replace love. It's comforting."
    "Well, I think you best look for a new physician." (American Horror Story, S03E03)
  • "Get back to work before I smack you, slave." (American Horror Story, S03E03)
  • "Slave, wait!" (American Horror Story, S03E03)
  • "This coven doesn't need another Supreme. It needs a new rug." (American Horror Story, S03E03)
  • Pacific Rim reunion (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E08)
  • "The good of the scorpion is not the good of the frog, yes?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E08)
  • "At long last, the day has come. We have the means, the understanding, the technology…to allow spiders to talk with cats!!!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E08)
  • "No lipstick."
    "Nothing happening."
    "Not even a pig in a blanket." (The League, S05E08)
  • "I am not a wine cooler. At the very least, I am a top-shelf box wine." (The League, S05E08)
  • "I don't want to go to dehab! I'm reading The Corrections. I have to finish it! I don't know how it ends!" (The League, S05E08)

(The League, S05E08)

  • "Statutory rape!" (The Eric Andre Show, S02E04)
  • "Don't be mulatto right now, dude." (The Eric Andre Show, S02E04)


Antebellum Prose

14 years after turning his back on the Green Street Elite and getting into mixed martial arts, Danny Harvey's world is shattered when his younger brother Joey is killed in what seems to be a pre-planned fight. With no leads to go on, and determined to seek justice, Danny is forced to re-enter the world of organised football hooliganism in order to find out the identity of his brother's killer and mete out revenge in the only way he knows how. [source]

However, since Danny's departure, the rules of hooliganism have changed. Danny learns that the hooligans now compete in an underground-style tournament pitting five on five. [source]

I like how each sequel to Green Street [Hooligans] strays further and further from the original film.

Green Street 1 = football hooliganism
Green Street 2 = hooligans in prison
Green Street 3 = a mixed martial artist's vengeance via hooligan survivor series


Green Street 4: The World Warrior. When West Ham qualifies for the Champions League…

Does a hooligan fighting game exist? FIFA vs. Capcom.

God, if you can hear me, crash this train

Jon: Red Sox burrpen.
Jon: Because, you know, Asians.
Ben: [pause]

Previously on Adam Riff™:

That was in 2008, so…"14 years old, 7 parades" today?

We should check in on him every few years, à la the Up Series.

"50 years old, 7 parades." [commits suicide]

Jon: The Sox find a German middle reliever and an Italian set-up man so Farrell can "mobilize the Axis."
Ben: STOP.

After Monday Night Raw goes off the air, top WWE superstars will wrestle in a dark match that the face wins (or faces win), sending the remaining audience home happy.

MLB teams should do something similar. After a loss, star players on the home team hit some balls into the seats – autographed balls, perhaps.

Okay, first crack:
Washington = Leslie Knope
Washington State = Andy Dwyer
Oregon = Tom Haverford
Oregon State = Donna Meagle
Cal = Ben Wyatt
Stanford = Ron Swanson
UCLA = April Ludgate
USC = Jerry Gergich
Utah = Ann Perkins
Colorado = Chris Traeger
Arizona = Jean-Ralphio Saperstein
Arizona State = Mona Lisa Saperstein

Cremate your teammates and freebase the ashes

I legit lolled at that logline.

a screencap of the teaser for Tiger House

I somehow ended up re-watching the Gordon Gartrelle shirt episode of The Cosby Show on YouTube, and it's still funny after all these years.

Rory: Funnier shirt: Denise's Gordon Gartrelle or the low-talker's puffy shirt?
Jon: Oof. Sewphie's choice. Both still crack me up.

So the content-conscious Mormon director of Napoleon Dynamite is directing a film written by the writers of Eastbound and Down and Observe and Report.

And Jim Carrey is the lead.

And Lorne Michaels is producing.

And it will feature product placement.

You owe me a life

A play on a 13-year-old Nelly song was the winning ad campaign? Which agency conceived it? Cool Dads and Partners?

Is General Mills trying to make Honey Nut Cheerios the Sprite of cereals – the Sprite to plain Cheerios' Coca-Cola? Or did it just really love the slogan "must be the honey"?

All I see in Capital One's current ad is Alec Baldwin's chest hair.

Manifest destiny.

0:16 – Why does this dude leisurely swinging on a swing in his living room only have one second to talk? Where is he rushing off to in sandals?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

42. Fierce Creatures (American Horror Story, S03E02)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Sorry, Pookie." (The Walking Dead, S04E01)
  • "I wouldn't put something alive in a box." (Boardwalk Empire, S04E06)
  • "I'm a mature man. I listen to fuckin' Terry Gross now." (Eastbound and Down, S04E03)
  • RT: "Astute scholars of popular culture will surely recognize the dancing robot's song as the Lambda Lambda Lambda Rap from Revenge of the Nerds." (Eastbound and Down, S04E03)
  • "The only people that get to get wet are people that are nice to me." (Eastbound and Down, S04E03)
  • "In Mexico, you just slide down the fuckin' garbage chute, huh?" (Eastbound and Down, S04E03)
  • "No lines at the water park. This is what I call a wet dream." (Eastbound and Down, S04E03)
  • "There will be no dick sucks tonight." (Eastbound and Down, S04E03)
  • "Dear God, should I go get my dick sucked?" (Eastbound and Down, S04E03)
  • "I'm gonna keep my money where my mouth is – um, under my nose. That saying actually does work." (New Girl, S03E05)
  • "I make a little bit of money and you come slipping out of the woodword."
    "You mean, 'woodwork'?"
    "What is 'woodwork'?!"
    "What's 'woodword'?!?!" (New Girl, S03E05)
  • "You are so drunk right now. What happens with the rest of your day? Do you even think about that?"
    "You don't understand drinking at all." (New Girl, S03E05)
  • "Well then how 'bout this? Two can help. And if two are gonna help, then I'll be one of them, 'cause two can tango on this dance." (New Girl, S03E05)
  • "You want my purses to be covered in gemstones?"
    "All guys do! That's what we think is sexy! We want to be playing a saxophone in an alley and have you walk by in a miniskirt with a purse with gems!" (New Girl, S03E05)
  • "If a genie did come out, what would you wish for?"
    "More candelabras." (New Girl, S03E05)
  • "Bitch, I will eat you!" (American Horror Story, S03E02)
  • Cornrow City Salon. (American Horror Story, S03E02)
  • "Out of my way, slave." (American Horror Story, S03E02)
  • Stevie Nicks was a powerful white witch. (American Horror Story, S03E02)
  • "At least in death you can't disappoint the ones you love." (American Horror Story, S03E02)

Gratuitous Jessica Lange eating fried chicken (American Horror Story, S03E02)

(It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E07)

  • "Religious stuttering army carnies." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E07)
  • "Ho-ly shit. Dennis is Spider-Man." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E07)
  • "Like a farting mime?" (The League, S05E07)
  • "Twitter Watergate." (Parks and Recreation, S06E05)
  • "Number sign bitch boss." (Parks and Recreation, S06E05)

(Parks and Recreation, S06E05)

(Childrens Hospital, S05E12)

  • "You know you get my dick all swole. Even when it don't want to do nothing, you be getting my dick swole. It be unmotivated and you motivate it. You are goddamn, the Pat Summitt of my dick." (The Eric Andre Show, S02E03)
  • Tiny Toon Adventures references! (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E11)
  • "You played Dwight Schrute on The Office. What were your lines on that project?"
    "Um, it started like this: 'Michael! Jim put my stapler in Jell-O again. Jim, what are you doing? I'm on the phone.'"
    "Let's skip ahead to the final episode. What are your lines?"
    "Angela, I love you so much."
    "No no no. That's Who's the Boss?. Do The Office." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E11)


Rape Gang or Die

She can't sing
She can't dance
But who cares
She walks like Rihanna


I'm looking for a girl who can sing and/or dance, but I'll make an exception for an untalented one if she has a gait similar to Rihanna's.

For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until her no longer being able to walk like Rihanna do us part.

Is this song supposed to be a play on "Moves Like Jagger"? Because unlike Mick Jagger's moves, I can't picture how Rihanna walks. Who pays attention to how non-handicapped people walk? I couldn't tell you how my flatmate walks, let alone feckin' Rihanna.

Walks like Vince McMahon? Gotcha. Rihanna, though… What's notable about how she walks?

She can't sing
She can't dance
But who cares
She's not paraplegic

I got the strength of my legs and a violent approach

Nick Offerman:

I lost two or three weeks to two video games in the '90s. One was called Banjo-Kazooie, and one was called Earthworm Jim.

I'm trying to picture Nick Offerman playing Banjo-Kazooie.

I've been listening to the Jay and Dan Podcast, hosted by Fox Sports Live anchors Jay Onrait and Dan O'Toole. It's fascinatingly puerile.

On the last podcast, Fox Sports' football rules analyst Mike Pereira joked about 1. masturbating in his apartment and 2. Jay thinking about him with a tube up his ass while masturbating.

The tube is up Mike's ass, not Jay's.

2. Jay thinking about [Fox Sports' football rules analyst Mike Pereira with a tube up his ass] while masturbating.

My girlfriend's friends went as Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley one year to Halloween.

File under: Things I never expected to hear Daniel Radcliffe say.

I'm afraid I'll be Tyrese

I passed a man begging for money to return to Baltimore, MD.

Hmm… A Megabus ticket from New York City to Baltimore is what, $10? Oh, but the one time I rode Megabus, you couldn't buy tickets at the door. The driver only accepted passengers who bought tickets online.

"Departs 6:40 AM, arrives 9:50 AM. Too early for you?"

I passed a couple begging for money to return to Sarasota, FL.

How did they end up stranded? If New York City didn't pan out, why didn't they flee before they ran out of money?

Danielle: there are several potential narratives. drug addicts. alcoholics.
Jon: you can drink and drug in florida too. why travel 1200 miles north? and if they couldn't stay in florida, why not just move to georgia?

I passed a lad begging for money to return to Long Island, NY.

Bruv, are you serious? Manhattan to Long Island? You can't call someone to come pick you up? Oh his sign says that he was jumped and lost his mobile. [pause] Go to a police station and ask to use a phone! Or go to a library and e-mail someone!

"Here's $2.50 for subway fare. That'll get you onto the island. Aaaand some money for a bus transfer. Or you can walk home from Jamaica."

Chinese food takes away my stress

Where I saw the last 10 Academy Award winners for Best Picture:

At the AMC Star Fairlane 21 in Dearborn, MI with Mike. I remember being flustered when Mike sat down one seat away from me – first and only time I've been buffer-zoned.

The Artist
At the Embarcadero Centre Cinema in San Francisco, CA.

The King's Speech
At CinéArts in Palo Alto, CA on Thanksgiving Eve, after half-day at a temp job selling gift cards for Black Angus Steakhouse. I ate lunch at Chipotle beforehand.

The Hurt Locker
At the 2008 Toronto International Film Festival. Ryerson Theatre.

Slumdog Millionaire
Also at the 2008 Toronto International Film Festival, and also at Ryerson. In fact, I saw The Hurt Locker and Slumdog Millionaire on the same day, back to back.

No Country for Old Men
At the 2007 Toronto International Film Festival with Tushar, at, heh, Ryerson on a Monday morning at 9:00 a.m. Woke up at like 6:00 a.m. to drive in from Waterloo during rush hour.

The Departed
On my 24th birthday at the Goodrich Quality 16 in Ann Arbor, MI with Tony Fader and Jon Wilcox.

In Los Angeles, CA with Elizabeth. I can't remember which theatre. I want to say the Regent in Westwood, because I remember being amused to see the Regent and Westwood in Crash.

Million Dollar Baby
Never seen it.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

[consults December 2003 in Adam Riff™'s archive]

Okay, I was in Los Angeles, so it was either at the Village, the Chinese, or the Cinerama Dome.

[consults Google]

Okay, it was the Cinerama Dome.

I don't remember seeing The Return of the King at all, and according to myself, I saw it twice.

Don't do drugs, kids.


Rory: Does Dick Stockton currently call the most pro sports? NFL, MLB, NBA.
Jon: Hmm… Mike Tirico calls three too – NFL, NBA, and golf, if you count golf.
Jon: And if you count golf, then I think Jim Nantz currently calls the most pro sports championships – the Final Four, the Masters, the PGA Championship, and triennially, the Super Bowl.

Jon: Okay, most unique active rotation?
Rory: Chris Fowler – college football and tennis.
Jon: He doesn't call college football, though.
Rory: Oh! Gus Johnson – football and fútbol.

Jon: Seems like no one calls NHL plus another pro sport.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

41. Kenny gets his groove back (Eastbound and Down, S04E02)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "The Cauliflower's Cuming From Inside The House Burger." (Bob's Burgers, S04E02)
  • "You don't have to be good, you just have to be fast."
    "Why can't all women want that?" (Bob's Burgers, S04E02)
  • "I'M NOT BOB FOSSE!" (Bob's Burgers, S04E02)
  • "The rage you feel, it's a gift. Use it, but don't let anyone see it." (Boardwalk Empire, S04E05)
  • Frank! (Boardwalk Empire, S04E05)
  • Clayton! (Boardwalk Empire, S04E05)
  • Eddie! (Boardwalk Empire, S04E05)
  • "The days of Kenny Powers turning out lesbians are fuckin' behind him." (Eastbound and Down, S04E02)
  • "Four Mexican kids is equal to two white kids." (Eastbound and Down, S04E02)
  • "No slices for wife." (Eastbound and Down, S04E02)
  • "If we do this, it's gonna take a ton of blood, sugar, sex, and magic." (Eastbound and Down, S04E02)
  • "You love jazz? Name three key jazz musicians."
    "Miles Davis."
    "Number one, yup."
    "Lance Armstrong."
    "The trumpet player, Lance Armstrong?"
    "Okay, and number three?"
    "…The Loneliest Monk." (Hello Ladies, S01E02)
  • "Yo! Chinese Precious!" (China, IL, S02E03)
  • "C'mon, guys. Don't be turds out of water." (China, IL, S02E03)
  • "You and Carabas are just like Dumbledore and Gandalf – first you wanna fight, but pretty soon, you're gonna wanna screw." (China, IL, S02E03)
  • "You invented the Boston Tea Party?"
    "At the time it was referred to as the Destruction of the Tea. You've coined a far more…festive name." (Sleepy Hollow, S01E04)
  • "And fewer GCSEs than a Premier League football team." (Bad Education, S02E06)

(Bad Education, S02E06)

  • "So, um, how often do you groom your cat?" (New Girl, S03E04)
  • "I really like the instrument of the cello." (New Girl, S03E04)
  • "No fear! Monday! Tuesday! Wednesday! Friday! Full wheel, bitches!" (New Girl, S03E04)
  • Abe Sapien just masturbated to Hellboy having sex (Sons of Anarchy, S06E05)
  • RT: "Throwing in exciting endings after boring me the whole episode? Congrats #SOA, you now operate on the same level as #TheWalkingDead." (Sons of Anarchy, S06E05)
  • "My mama lives down in the ninth ward."(American Horror Story, S03E01)
  • What a terribly niche witch power (American Horror Story, S03E01)
  • Gratuitous shot of Precious sneak-eating a drumstick (American Horror Story, S03E01)
  • Albert Nobbs – bwah! (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E06)
  • "Definitely not like a biiiiird." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E06)
  • Dee dies in three of the five fantasies (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S09E06)
  • "It's not Bowschwitz." (The League, S05E06)
  • Marshall Allman – eternally young (Filthy Sexy Teens, S01E01)

(The Eric Andre Show, S02E02)

(The Eric Andre Show, S02E02)

(The Eric Andre Show, S02E02)

  • Is that really Brian McKnight? He looks ollld (The Eric Andre Show, S02E02)
  • "Whip it like a man!" (MasterChef Junior, S01E03)
  • Aaand less than 24 hours later, Brian McKnight is back on television (Shark Tank, S05E04)