Coming Attractions

A couple's fight over the husband's infidelity turns to a grotesque calamity. After failing to sever her husband's penis, the infuriated wife chooses instead to dismember her son in order to hurt his father.

an actual screencap of the trailer


Jets are like comets at sunset

Drew: False alarm apparently my boy got a 12th player and didn't tell any of us.
Jon: Well, shit, what am I gonna do with all these team names I brainstormed?

Drew: "Lee Daniels' The Cutler"?
Jon: Eh?
Drew: Heh. "Mantichrist."

Theta Chi + Pac-12 logo =

Better or worse than FXX's logo?

And now, how to re-brand to fool undiscriminating shoppers:

See also:

I remember being crushed when a mate's mum bought me Ninja Gaiden III: The Ancient Ship of Doom (NES) for my birthday when I had asked for Ninja Turtles III: The Manhattan Project.


Previously on Adam Riff&#8482:
I type this while wearing retainers I had molded earlier this week.

[sees upper retainer on ottoman]

Oh shit. Did I throw the lower one away?

And that's why you don't store them in a paper towel during lunch!

[rummages through rubbish]

It's not here…

[spots lower retainer on floor]

[sanitizes retainers with everything short of bleach]

[sighs] Okay.

[stares at lower retainer]

Remember, Jon, some people lick buttholes. A retainer that fell on the floor is NOTHING.

Once a week, minimum. [source]

I change mine twice a week but 3x a week in summer. [source]


They're Gawker commenters, though.

Jon: hey, how often do you change your bed sheets?
Lozo: it depends, but ideally, once every two weeks
Chris: like every two weeks
Howard: < two weeks I thought I was a clean person for changing bed sheets every three months. WELP... I don't think I ever changed bed sheets in college.

Brad Reputation

Some days, New York City feels surreal. All of this originated from a single-celled organism. [head asplode]

Some days, I feel surreal. I am a living human being. This is my body.

Science Fiction Idea: What if fetuses decided whether or not to be aborted? Carriers have no say. If you get pregnant, your fetus decides whether it wants you as a mother. My body, its choice. Unprotected sex becomes high stakes gambling. Murders of babies, who are undeniably human, rise.

While content with my life, I harbour a shipping container of regrets, some that I desperately wish I could go back in time and change.

Some nights, I fall asleep wondering what could have been.

Book Idea: My life as a "choose your own adventure" – an autobiography with hypothetical narratives branching off.

Live Thog: Short Term 12


Jane Lynch is cast as a therapist a lot.

Another film with Jane Lynch – playing another therapist!

Josh Gad and P!nk as lovers?

Mason is barely recognizable as Jim Harper on The Newsroom.

Oh. Jan Levenson-Gould is in this film.

Where have I seen this Mexican kid before? Stifler's brother? No, too young.

OH. He was Mel Gibson's friend in Get the Gringo. Steven is high on him.

Supercut Idea: Film and television characters taking cathartic showers.

This film would work better as a television drama, with, like, Jason Katims as showrunner.

Jan Levenson-Gould has yet to appear.

Wait, Melora HARDIN is Jan. Melora Walters is— CLAUDIA IN MAGNOLIA has yet to appear.

Speak of the devil…

She's barely recognizable, if not for her voice.

That's it? She received a solo principal cast credit for what is basically a cameo?

Who played Marcus?

He's Serbian?!

This can't be right…

Spoilery Bonus Thought on You're Next:
Why didn't they just blow up the house? Arrive late to the reunion and "discover" the house in ruin. Gas leak.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

34. Trailer Park Boys (The Bridge, S01E07)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • #jesseplemonskillingpeople (Breaking Bad, S05E10)
  • Landry and Herc (Breaking Bad, S05E10)
  • "That's a butter-everything." (Wilfred, S03E11)
  • "Hold your horse AIDS." (Childrens Hospital, S05E05)


Spit on a boy named Tina in Pasadena

Bollocks. My earbuds shit out again. How long did this pair last? Five months?

[searches Internet for cheap earbuds]

Oh. Radio Shack is selling a $19.99 pair for $9.99.


"Would you like a one-year warranty for $1.50 more? One year of replacements, no questions asked."
"Naw, it's okay."

My new earbuds lasted one day before shitting out.

Delirium Tremens [UPDATE]

In honor of its first birthday, Prohibition Bakery is selling a limited edition Hemingway-inspired cupcake called Death in the Afternoon.

The cupcake, based on the author's Champagne and absinthe concoction of the same name, consists of Champagne cake with Champagne filling and absinthe frosting. [source]

Prohibition Bakery? Oh. Boozy cupcakes. Pimm's Cup, Old Fashioned…


Devil Jon: You have to try it, Jon. Try it!
Angel Jon: How soon you forget the nicotine gum incident.

UPDATE: It tasted like a cigar.

Promise Heron I'll put my fist up after I get my dick sucked

I finally got Spotify.

Jon: I was just curious to hear Ocean Avenue Acoustic!
Adam Robot: Sure…

There was increased security at the [Eminem] concert following 6 stabbings and 2 fatalities at a Swedish House Mafia gig at the nearby Phoenix Park in 2012. [source]

Six stabbings and two fatalities at a Swedish House Mafia concert?

[googles "stabbings swedish house mafia"]

Horror Film Idea: Rave Danger. "At a Swedish House Mafia concert, no one can hear you scream."

"Based on a true story."

The present only touches you

4:00 PM

[checks e-mail]

Toronto International Film Festival ticket selection window. You have been assigned the start time of 8/30/2013 12:30 PM (EDT). Windows close on 8/30/2013 at 7:00 PM.

Fuck! I drew the last day to select tickets. The screenings for the shiniest films will probably all be "rush only" by then.

[sigh] Do I have it in me anymore to waste three hours in a rush line to see a film?

7:00 PM

[mobile rings]

Ontario, Canada?

Hey Jon, I know you booked on Airbnb two months in advance, but my neighbours complained about a recent guest and I grudgingly have to cancel your reservation.


Can you find another place to stay on short notice?

Yeah, for like $500 more…

From "Luxury Hi-RisePrivateRoom/Bath-DWTN" to "One-and-a-half star converted apartment building hotel."

10:00 PM

So the Alan Partridge movie and the new Spike Jonze, Coen brothers, and Alexander Payne films are skipping TIFF for NYFF — awesome.

[browsing TIFF's 2013 slate]

The Double
Jesse Eisenberg and Mia Wasikowska star in writer-director Richard Ayoade's updating of the famous Dostoevsky novella about a man who finds his life being usurped by his doppelgänger.

Adapted from José Saramago's 2002 novel The Double, the latest from the Denis Villeneuve breathes new life into the doppelgänger tradition.

The Face of Love
Five years after the death of her beloved husband Garrett (Ed Harris), Nikki (Annette Bening) meets a man who seems to be his exact double.


Live Free or Diabetes

Chris: so are you like a foodie specializing in various types of sugary foods/desserts?
Jon: uhh…

Chocolate Babka (Wise Sons Jewish Delicatessen / SF)
Chocolate Chip Brioche (Levain Bakery / NYC)
Chocolate Cherry Loaf (Rock Hill Bakehouse / NYC)

I'm a big fan of bread plus chocolate. The babka is excellent, the brioche is satisfactory, and the loaf is fair.

Cinnamon Toast Donut (The General / NYC)
fall spice cream
Coco Puffs Donut
coco cream
Fruity Pebbles Donut
cereal milk cream

I was dismayed to discover that they were filled with cream. How did they taste? [shrugs] Like their cereal inspirations.

Pork Belly "Donuts" (The Willows / SF)
with maple bourbon [maker's mark] glaze

I didn't know what to expect. What I received was, like, tempura chunks of pork belly with an odd glaze that needed more maple and less bourbon.

Chorizo Caramel Swirl Ice Cream (OddFellows Ice Cream Co. / BKN)
Cornbread Ice Cream
Grapefruit Jalapeño Sorbet
Beet Pistachio Honey Goat Cheese Ice Cream

I gave this ice cream shop two shots. Alas, nothing to write home about.

Organic Potato Gelato (L'Albero dei Gelati / BKN)
with nutmeg

It tasted like a plain baked potato. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Or at least offer a sour cream flavour to pair with the potato one.

Cheddar sprinkles.

Salted Oreo Gelato (Caramello, BKN)

Granapple Crumbly Pie (Caramello, BKN)
This is the best apple pie I've ever eaten. The crumbly granola topping is pastry manna.

Chocolate Pecan Pie (Palo Alto Creamery, SF Bay Area)
This is the best chocolate pecan pie I've ever eaten, striking a balance of chocolate and pecan pie like no other chocolate pecan pie I've had, and I try every chocolate pecan pie I encounter. Its crust could be better, but it doesn't detract.

The Swingle (Steve's Authentic Key Lime Pies, BKN)
The Swingle is a key lime tartlet dipped in dark Belgian chocolate. The trek out to Red Hook to obtain one is worth it.

Chocolate Bourbon Pecan Bar (Baked, BKN)
And while you're in Red Hook, I recommend picking up a few of these.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

33. Star Trek Into Dorkness (Breaking Bad, S05E09)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Hank likes Boulder Canyon chips too! (Breaking Bad, S05E09)
  • RT: "I will have my revenge." — that one time it took too long for Aaron Sorkin's file to download (The Newsroom, S02E05)
  • "Baba booey, motherfuckers." (The Newsroom, S02E05)
  • "It's not finished. 'Ryan is a little bitch-iseled.'" (Wilfred, S03E10)
  • Starring Judah Friedlander as "Weird Al" Yankovic, and "Weird Al" Yankovic as young Justin Kirk (Childrens Hospital, S05E04)
  • "Do you think you would have been as popular if you had been named Jillian Gacobs?" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E06)


What good is west coast weather if you're bi-polar?

Previously on Adam Riff™ (May 22, 2004):

I ran into a group of people standing outside Jerry's Famous Deli all looking at the Kinko's across the street. I turned my head and saw a tall black man standing in front of the counter at Kinko's. My immediate reaction was —Oh snap! He's robbing the place!

Turns out it was Shaq getting something copied.

While stapling scripts today at Kinko's, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a customer walk behind the service counter to proof something. I looked up and it was Spike Lee.

My random celebrity encounters in New York City:
1. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
2. Kanye West
3. That Zac bloke from Unique Sweets
4. Spike Lee

Sometimes it seems like scaffolding covers half the buildings in New York. At any given moment, says the Department of Buildings, over a million feet of New York sidewalks are covered by construction sheds. [source]

Art Exhibit Idea: Scaffold City: photos of New York City shrouded in scaffolding

"You know what we HAVE to do when we visit New York City? Buy a framed photo of One Direction."

I wonder where fruit cart vendors in New York City get their fruit. I like to think that, like, Safeway is behind all the fruit carts in New York City – another revenue stream.

[sees Hispanic woman selling mangoes in Union Square]

—How much for one bag?

$3?! But you just sliced up a mango and bagged it! That like a 200% mark-up! This probably isn't a whole mango either!

—I'll give you $2.25.

Homeless people with dogs – fair or foul?

I've never seen a homeless person with a cat.

Yelp reviews written by Tyler B.

The Darby
The club itself has a tight door, luckily, I'm fortunate enough to have friends in virtually every major city that matters who are highly connected.

I was beyond annoyed when security asked to see my room key for me to go to the pool area, my room key was at my table which I explained to him but he simply would not let me go over to the pool area. I additionally looked like a hotel guest, in plenty of Hermes.

Dolce & Gabbana
I like to avoid tourists at all costs, not like the cool European ones or ones from New York but like the ones from middle America who think people in California actually wear Hollister (gross).

Souplantation is exactly what I picture a soup kitchen to be minus the homeless people. I don't see how a place can charge $10 for unlimited food unless that food is cheap and of poor quality.

Pressed Juicery
Prior to the cleanse, I had followed a vegan diet for 11 (almost 12) years. I am pretty healthy. Unhealthy aspects of my life? I drink and smoke.

Fresh East
Me with a bag of Fritos at 2 AM? YEAH RIGHT! My standards for what I put in my body in terms of food remain even when I was completely f*cked up.

Pressed Juicery
As I mentioned before I wanted to lose a little weight. My abs are much more defined than they were before and I don't have bump protruding when I'm not flexing.

I never have had a pair of jeans that showed my perfect legs…UNTIL A.P.C.

Desert Rose Restaurant
My waitress was a little rude. I asked her if she could charge my phone for me and she acted really shocked that I would ask such a question. Like what?

Daft Punk is praying at my mosque

Previously on Adam Riff™ (Feb 13, 2008):

Television shows I'm most eager to watch each week
5. jPod
4. Skins
3. Lost
2. The Wire
1. Breaking Bad

It's not too late to jump on the Bad-wagon. Only three episodes have aired.

To be fair, Jonny has come lately to a number of shows – The Shield, 24, Lost, Mad Men. I've still never seen the first season of Lost.

Do kids still buy graphing calculators? Or is it all graphing calculator smartphone apps nowadays? And if it's smartphone apps, how do you prevent cheating during tests? And do the apps come with Drugwars?

Texas Instruments still sells the TI-83?!

I myself rocked an 85.

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by cronuts, starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix

I wonder if any children will dress as Trayvon Martin for Halloween.

I should hand out Skittles on Halloween wearing a hoodie.

If you ever want to extract information from me, force me to listen to "Clarity" by Zedd on a loop. I would rather George Zimmerman be acquitted for killing me than listen to "Clarity" by Zedd.

Idea: A mash-up of "New Slaves" and "Greensleeves." I can hear it in my head.

The stuff you stumble upon while searching for images of blackheads on the Internet…

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

32. International Superstars (Childrens Hospital, S05E03)

All played by James Adomian!

Alas, no Tom Leykis.

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • What a waste of plates (MasterChef, S04E18)
  • Adventure Time cameo (Futurama, S07E22)
  • "You're only a serial killer if you enjoy it." (The Bridge, S01E05)
  • Danny has a paper route, the girl in The Spectacular Now has a paper route – kids still have paper routes? (Broadchurch, S01E01)
  • "She blew Chicago." (Clear History, 08-10-13)


Super Disco Disco Breakin'

I spent sixth through twelfth grade wearing the gamut of orthodontic appliances to correct shark teeth, but was not diligent with retainers in college, and a lower canine tooth consequently liberated itself. It's not really noticeable to eyes, but my tongue can feel the misalignment.

When I consulted a dentist about my errant tooth during a teeth cleaning, she just shrugged and remarked, "Teeth will settle where they feel comfortable."

I'd be lying if I said that my errant tooth didn't bother me – sometimes mightily so – but whenever I consider fixing it, I conclude that I'm too old for that shit. "Oh well."

Enter my mother.

"Jon, if your teeth aren't straight, they'll fall out when you're older. You need to fix that tooth."

And so, I type this while wearing retainers I had molded earlier this week, saliva sliming my mouth and lisp in my speech.

Orthodontist: You need to wear them at all times for at least two months.

Two months from now is my 31st birthday.