Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

My brother is seven years younger than me.

When he was little, I thought it would be fun to see if I could get him hooked on the film Batman Forever.

So whenever he grew restless, I would pop Batman Forever in our VCR, and lo, he gradually began watching it without my prompting, and later fast-forwarding to his favourite parts for a quick fix.

I finally saw Friday Night Lights the film. Mike Winchell's lack of sideburns bugged me.

Television has kinda ruined film bildungsromans for me. A film like The Kings of Summer or The Way, Way Back, I dig the characters and I dig the world, but I wish it was 10 hours longer so that character development felt more natural. As is, I am left unsatisfied.

At Berkeley is a documentary film about the University of California at Berkeley. The film explores the major aspects of university life of America's premier public university with particular emphasis on the administrative efforts to maintain the academic excellence, public role, and the economic, racial and social diversity of the student body in the face of severe budgetary cuts imposed by the California legislature.

Who wants to watch that?

Better question: Why would you document that?

I'm surprised that BART let Fruitvale Station film at its Fruitvale station – at the exact location where a BART police officer shot Oscar Grant.

Idea: Black Community, a black version of the NBC comedy Community. Jamie Foxx as Jeff Winger. Garrett Morris as Pierce Hawthorne. Andy Samberg as Troy Barnes.

Josh: What is the black version of Abed?
Jon: Danny Pudi would reprise the role, like how Peter Dinklage plays the same character in both the white and black versions of Death at a Funeral.

Gay Community – Cheyenne Jackson as Jeff Winger. Kate McKinnon as Britta Perry. Neil Patrick Harris as Abed Nadir. Jonathan Slavin as Dean Pelton.

Hispanic Community – Marc Anthony as Jeff Winger. John Leguizamo as Ben Chang.

Josh: Mario Lopez as Troy. Dustin Diamond as Abed.

The night has fallen down the staircase

Beard Beer
Rogue Ales brewmaster John Maier discovered that the wild yeast growing in his beard could be cultivated to a state suitable for fermenting beer.

If you manage to get past the mental block that goes with drinking an ale with human beard yeast in it, you'll find a very fruity beer that smells and tastes of ripe bananas and pineapple.

You know what really grinds my gears? Fancy taquerias that don't allow you to mix and match tacos. If I'm paying $12 for two tacos, I don't want to eat two of the same taco! And they're typically unfilling too.

I have yet to eat a taco with shredded meat that wasn't wretched. Similarly: Corn tortillas. The leathery texture…bleh. #teamflour

When the fish in a fish taco is grilled instead of deep fried <<<<<<. It's like Taco Bell's soft taquitos – a lesser experience.

Live Thog: The Wolverine

Future shantytown slum Earth was shot in Mexico City, while off-planet paradise Elysium was shot in Vancouver, Canada. Hmm…

The Sea of Monsters is the Bermuda Triangle. Ah so…

Did a five-year-old write this? Percy Jaxecop.

Why don't comic book characters retreat to warm climates? You know, hide out in Borneo.

Red-haired, odd-shaped-face girl is doing that thing where an actor jerks a steering wheel left and right to convey "driving," never mind that the car would be zig-zagging.

I can't not see CM Punk.

Close-up action is difficult enough to follow, and then you add shaky cam?

Ask a physicist to critique this train top sequence.

Yashida's English is remarkably good for a Japanese native in 1945. Where did he learn a colloquialism like "that's it"?

If Aronofsky directed this, we would've seen Wolverine pull the spider out of his chest.

Idea: A supercut of film/television characters performing self-surgery – or extracting stuff from their bodies.

The weather in Japan is fucked – rainy, sunny, sunny and rainy in the same day, and now snow!

Is Wolverine the most high-profile comic book character to say "fuck" in a film?

CM Punk vs. Coyote Tango.

Lulz at Tensai being repackaged as Krang's mechanical body.

What was the purpose of Mariko's archer friend? His character motivation confused me.

Shorter Wolverine: Wolverine gets over killing a girl he liked by killing the entire family of a girl he likes.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

30. Jon Voight dances to Heavy D, sniffs poppers in a gay club (Ray Donovan, S01E04)

Stray Observations

(Big Brother, S15E11)

  • "Soda is better than juice." (Axe Cop, S01E01)
  • Jon Voight: Nightmare Sex Dad (Ray Donovan, S01E04)
  • "I pay how much to live in a gated neighbourhood and some loser cranks a Mike Oldfield album?" (The Venture Bros., S05E08)
  • Ryan's dad is Dexter's dad, heh (Wilfred, S03E07)
  • "Sy, what do you know about the Japanese?"
    "They have no calf definition." (Childrens Hospital, S05E01)
  • "That's right! You doughy-calved bitches forfeit!" (Childrens Hospital, S05E01)
  • Not one, but two OITNB cast members (NTSF:SD:SUV, S03E01)
  • Where have I seen her before? OH. She plays the sister on Rectify (NTSF:SD:SUV, S03E01)
  • "And a star is born."
    "I knew I shouldn't have had sex with the sun!" (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E03)
  • "Dr. Doo Doo is flying to London, England."
    "London, England? But why?"
    "Because that's where poop gets its power." (Axe Cop, S01E02)
  • "I am not concerned with fire. It just turns me into AXE COP FIRE!!!" (Axe Cop, S01E02)


Adam Riff™ Mailbag

Carey Mahoney writes:
Jon, have you ever had a nickname?


July 1996.

On the first day of a summer school English class, the instructor asked each student to fill out an index card with information about themself, and draw a self-portrait on the back. After gazing at my self-portrait, I noted that it "looks like Ben Stiller."

Little did I know that the instructor would go through said index cards in front of the class.

"Looks like Ben Stiller? Who's Ben Stiller?"
"Uhh… He's an actor, and a director. He directed The Cable Guy."

Now Ben Stiller was not unknown in 1996. He had had a show on network television with his name in the title, and he was one of the leads in Reality Bites, and he had just hosted the MTV Movie Awards.

But he was unknown to everyone else in that classroom.

And so, for the next six weeks…

[raises hand]
"Yes, Actor/Director Ben Stiller!"

Jon "Ben Stiller" Yu.

Relax and Rolex

Idea: A Netflix-like service for sporting events. I'm surprised one doesn't exist yet. Every sport, every game ever, in its entirety, on demand. Subscribe as fan, a scholar, or a scout. Watch with the original commentary or just natural audio (if available).

—The search feature could be hyper customizable. Like, I'd want to see all the catches Randy Moss made of over 40 yards; and then it shows a list and u can view the games the plays are from or just the plays themselves.
—Or a different query, like show me all goals Wayne Gretzky scored from a Mark Messier assist or w/e.
—The search fields would differ from sport to sport; you could search football plays by formations that a specific team runs, just look at a guys at-bats when there's two outs in late innings.

Whenever I pitch an idea to Mike, I am flabbergasted by where he runs with it.

—I've been thinking a lot about that plane crash theme park ride.
—You could cater to different market segments; families could be split apart, new couples together, all singles on one side, a 50/50 race split.
—And they'd have to beat the other side in some competition.
—Could be capture the flag or some Survivor rigamarole.

—Choosing the landscape/cityscape over which the plane would break up would be a lot of fun as well.
—New York and Las Vegas are the obvious favorites. Chicago would be pretty dope. Sydney. A volcano.


Last night, I dreamt that I was scraping my teeth off like seeds on the walls inside a pumpkin, which led to dreaming about pulling my face off my skull like my head was slow-cooked pork.

I wonder if any people don't like any type of music except country.

Not even classic rock?

I like all types of positions, except contrary.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

29. Jon Voight: Twerking Enthusiast (Ray Donovan, S01E03)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "I have the confidence of a tall man." (The Newsroom, S02E01)
  • RT: Did that lady go through the trouble of making a full three-bean salad just to dump it on Lyle Lovett's desk? That shit is hardbody. (The Bridge, S01E02)
  • "A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.: A Criminal Regiment of Nasty Young Men." (Futurama, S07E19)
  • "[My biography] has to sing off the page. I'm talking Rikki-Tikki-Tavi, or early George."
    "Curious? Later George just wallows in its own density."
    "Something like The Berenstain Bears Visit the Dentist?"
    "Visit the Dentist is beach reading. Sure, I'm along for the ride, but is it transcendent in any way? Besides, it's totally derivative of Aardvark." (Wilfred, S03E06)
  • "This is like the Valentine's Day of emoji movies." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E02)


Smokin' 'til I'm loopy as a motherfuckin' toucan

Jahar, or "Jizz," as his friends also called him…

A number of his friends would go off to some of the country's better private colleges, "but Jizz rolled with the punches."

You could say that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on the cover of Rolling Stone is Jizz on a rag.

Sully: Come on Rolling Stone!

Jizz had a hand in blowing two loads during a marathon.

Wayne Newton or 311

Every time I see Hank Azaria as Gargamel in ads for The Smurfs 2, I die a little inside. See also: Jennifer Aniston's striptease in ads for We're the Millers.

His chola brows are so distracting.

Kenny is played by an English actor, so not only are American actors not manly enough anymore, they're not unmanly enough either.

Variety recently taped an Emmy Studio Lead Actor Drama panel, and only one of the five panelists was American. I was surprised to learn that the lead on Rectify is Australian. Fooled me…

It's Levels

Man, you follow one UCLA baseball player, and Twitter begins prodding you to follow his teammates, and then alumni, which leads you to…

Why doesn't Major League Baseball adopt the pitch tracking technology that its television partners use and standardize strike zones? The home plate umpire could still arbitrate a checked swing, or safe/out at home.

Rory: Home plate Vanna White after Wheel of Fortune digitized its board.

Instead of a Home Run Derby, Idea: Find a golf course near the All-Star Game venue. Pair eight power hitters with eight golf stars. The hitters slug baseballs down fairways and then the golfers complete the holes, replacing baseballs, wherever they lie, with golf balls.

Or should they putt and chip baseballs into larger cups?

But guys, where is the banana hot dog?

Previously on Adam Riff™:

A long time ago, while perusing IMDb, I stumbled upon a film called 5-25-77, the release date for Star Wars classic. The film's website offered little information, but the production company granted my request for a copy of the script. This is Almost Fanboy, I thought.

Films about Star Wars that I want to see:
5-25-77 [May 25, 2007]

5-25-77 prepped for a Toronto debut

[browsing 2013 Fantasia film festival selections]

Oh! 5-25-77. Is it another work-in-progress screening? I don't see anything…


After NINE some years in production, it appears a final cut exists.


[checks flights to Montreal]

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

28. Grand Fin-ale (Sharknado, 07-11-13)

Honourable Mention

  • Waiting for the bomb to go off (The Bridge, S01E01)
  • Reggie's Tron skit (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E01)

Stray Observations

  • "Shame is like having a daughter with red hair and freckles – you cannot let it become part of your life." (Wilfred, S03E05)
  • "I'll suck your dick to suck your toes…" (Wilfred, S03E05)
  • "So what did you do over the break?"
    "Oh, you know, I lost five pounds."
    "Oh my God, that's great."
    "No, it wasn't. It was in an English casino." (Comedy Bang! Bang!, S02E01)


Super solo dolo attack, run and tell that

To do:

King Noodle
Gonzo noodle shop in Bushwick. The specialties are "kimchee carbonara" (with Doritos for $1 extra) and tiki drinks.

Cultish Italian Gelato Import L'Albero Dei Gelati Is Coming to Park Slope
Back home, Trezza has won all sorts of awards for flavors like smoked salmon, salty cabbage with apple vinegar and mustard, and mushroom risotto.

Shalom Japan
A restaurant serving "authentically inauthentic Jewish and Japanese food" in South Williamsburg – lamb ribs, chickpea tofu, matzo ball ramen.

Minnesota State Fair | 2013 New Food

Put a price on my head, won't make me run

R.I.P. my six-year-old MacBook Pro. Apple refused to repair it because it is "vintage."


By that logic, Ed Hardy = vintage clothing.

I saw a bloke on the street wearing this shirt:

Vintage Nets fan.

[browsing UCLA apparel]

Yeesh. These designs…

Vintage Adam Riff™:
During telecasts of collegiate athletic events, you will see ads, or "institutional spots," for each participating school. Idea: Institutional spots created by filmmaker alumni. I'm curious how Wes Anderson would sell Texas or how Judd Apatow would sell USC.

Similarly, colleges with design programs [cough] should commission some apparel designed by design students. Low risk, high reward.

Adam Robot owns a screen printing press and verbally committed to making me an Animal House "COLLEGE" shirt that reads "CORREGE" instead.

I'm not sure I could bring myself to wear it in public, though.

Pepe: Says the man who showed up to high school one day in blackface.
Jon: That was unintentional blackface!

Pepe: Says the man who spent the Halloween after September 11 looking like this.
Jon: Okay, that I can't defend. Vintage Jon?

Still spell America with the triple K

Starting in September, visitors to Universal Studios Florida will step into the "Cabin in the Woods."

Halloween Horror Nights creative director Mike Aiello describes the flow of the haunted house maze experience as a "chronological retelling of the film from beginning to relative end – minus the gods destroying the Earth." [source]

Alas, the elevator ride is static.