Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

26. Chocolate Rain (Mad Men, S06E13)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Los Angeles is not what you see in the movies. It's like Detroit with palm trees." (Mad Men, S06E13)
  • "Three fucks, you're out." (Veep, S02E10)
  • "You like to have sex and you like to travel?"
    "Yes, ma'am."
    "Then you can fuck off." (Veep, S02E10)
  • "Jesus, you wrote this shit?"
    "Yeah, it's like noun verb gumbo." (Veep, S02E10)
  • "Ant Kibbutz" (Veep, S02E10)
  • "D.C.: District of Cunts." (Veep, S02E10)
  • "Was your mom plagiarizing the Bible when she said, 'Oh God, oh God'?" (Veep, S02E10)

(Under the Dome, S01E01)

  • "You're just…sucking a toe." (Total Blackout, S02E14)
  • "Who is Hen Tai?" (Zach Stone Is Gonna Be Famous, S01E09)
  • "It's a well known fact that the greatest actors have the healthiest personal lives – Eddie Murphy, Hugh Grant, Morgan Freeman…" (Zach Stone Is Gonna Be Famous, S01E10)


El Scorcho

Babysitting B's children…

"So what do you kids want to do?"

A: Watch YouTube videos of Swedes playing a Minecraft mod.

"Uncle Jon, I'm thirsty!"

[opens refrigerator]

Chocolate hemp milk?

I saw this while picking up kidney stone medication:


I know it's for incontinent people, but I kinda want one. No more worrying about needing to pee during a film screening, or finding a restroom on the road.

I don't understand how people can store their wallet in a back pocket. How is that comfortable when sitting down? It's like an ass tumour. Easy to snatch too.

David: That's your wallet?! It's like an inch-and-a-half thick.

Jon: Driver license, two credits cards, a debit/ATM card, auto insurance, health insurance, Social Security card…
Jon: This pocket is all supermarket and drugstore rewards cards.
Jon: 10 different library cards.
Jon: Oh. Forklift operator certification card. Forgot about this.

David: You don't need to carry around like three-fourths of this stuff.
Jon: I know, but I want to be prepared for any situation.
Jon: Swiss Army wallet.


I have watched this outtake from The Master on repeat for the past five minutes and the magic of the first viewing has not diminished. Everything about it is perfect – Philip Seymour Hoffman's reaction, Joaquin attempting to stifle (or should I say quell?) his own laughter and mostly succeeding. Farts are great, you guys. [source]

I am not permanent

Washington, D.C.'s street layout was designed to confuse invading armies. [source]

Or aggravate.

» Union Station » Washington, D.C.

How do cabs in our nation's capital not accept credit cards?

Like the one for MetroCards in New York City, the $1 surcharge for paper Metrorail farecards is such bullshit.

Visitors to D.C. need, like, a lobbyist – a D.C. visitors union.

I love how bitchy D.C. Metro's ads are.

» Silver Spring, MD

Cheesy Bacon Tater Tots (Quarry House Tavern)
Old Bay Tater Tots (Quarry House Tavern)

Boy, patrons of this basement bar do NOT like Virginians. "Hicks," "dummies"…

Is Maryland vs. Virginia a rivalry? When I think of Maryland, I think Duke, and when I think of Virginia, I think Virginia Tech. If Maryland vs. Virginia is a rivalry, then it's definitely more Utah vs. Colorado than Washington vs. Oregon.

» Clarendon » Arlington, VA

Coffee Toffee Cookie (Northside Social)
Chocolate Coffee Orange Marmalade Tart (Northside Social)

Came for the Salted Cashew, Date, and White Chocolate Cookie, left with other goods.

» H Street » Washington, D.C.

Fowl Play Sandwich (Woodward Takeout Food)
smoked turkey, chopped chicken liver, turkey bacon, duck cracklings, pickled red onions, arugula, multigrain bread

It somehow lacked flavour.

I was tempted to order this too:

Porky Pig Sandwich (Woodward Takeout Food)
pâté, roast pork loin, surryano ham, smoked ham, bacon aïoli, gruyère, pickles, pommery mustard, toasted baguette

» Gallery Place-Chinatown » Washington, D.C.

Free association: A "one-word subtitle for wordy foreign dialogue" joke.

So that's Chinese for "Fuddruckers." The more you know.

"Fudds in the City."

E: Shhh. Be vewy vewy quiet. [rapes woman]

A party of four stops me.

"Excuse me, sir. [black people always call me 'sir,' for some reason] Can you name all the faces on cash, from a one-dollar bill to a 100-dollar bill?"


I couldn't even name one.

I was gonna at least answer "Lincoln on the five," but they threw me off by offering Lincoln as the first answer.

Is Lincoln on the one? He's on the penny…

Also, I should've known that Benjamin Franklin is on the 100, because…that Puff Daddy song.

Saturday / 12:12 a.m.

"Do you know where we can get food around here at this hour?"
"Uhh… McDonald's?"

Downtown D.C. and the National Mall are curiously dead at night. It's like you rented them out.

Your heart is a monument to a childhood of abuse

Celebrity Ghost Stories
Coco, Craig Kilborn, Diana DeGarmo, Tommy Davidson

Craig Kilborn finds a dog killed by a ghost.


Oh wow. The next episode features Tom Green, and the previous episode featured the actor who played Matt on Nip/Tuck.

Scare Are They Now?

July 6:

Richard Grieco dabbles in the dark arts and pays a horrifying price.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

25. Mark Henry's "retirement" (WWE Raw, 06-17-13)

Stroud: This is the kind of Raw moment that justifies the 95% crap-to-greatness ratio we sit through every week.

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Ken "The Governor" Cosgrove (Mad Men, S06E12)

(Mad Men, S06E12)

  • "We are at DEFCON Fuck." (Veep, S02E09)
  • "Jesus, look at his stupid gaping mouth. Let's put stuff in it." (Veep, S02E09)
  • "Oh, no, that's a fuckin' wire brush to my hemorrhoids." (Veep, S02E09)
  • "He's just a varicose dick vein." (Veep, S02E09)
  • "Put this on. It's some ice cold lobster. Here's a couple of shrimp." (Family Tree, S01E05)
  • Speed Racer (Futurama, S07E14)
  • "Aww man, I can't afford no Medicare co-payments!" (Futurama, S07E14)
  • "Amy's birthday is this weekend. Are you gonna be back in time to throw her a party?"
    "Ohhh… Actually, not this year. I'm gonna be… I'm gonna be M.I.A."
    "Oh, that's a good disguise. You gonna get a wig?"
    "You gonna get eye shadow and a wig? 'Cause you're gonna be M.I.A."
    "…Are you making a joke?"
    "Get high like paper, get fly like planes. Calling all trains. Pew pew." (Zach Stone Is Gonna Be Famous, S01E08)
  • "I do remember certain things from my past. Yes, it's coming back to me now. 1945. My owner was a little girl – Anne. Anne Frank. Anne and her rules. No walks, no trips to the groomers. In the end, I just snapped. I screamed at her. "ANNE! I'M DYING HERE! IT'S LIKE WE NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE!" And thank God, these well-dressed German men heard my barking and broke into the attic. Those brave heroes rescued me." (Wilfred, S03E01)

(Wilfred, S03E01)

  • "There's only one way to settle this: rape fight." (Wilfred, S03E01)
  • "Lead singer of Smash Mouth handjob giver." (Wilfred, S03E02)
  • "Who do I look like? Fonzie?"
    "Nothing? Really? Fonzie? Eyyyyy… Nothing?"
    "The bear?" (Maron, S01E08)


Forgive Me, Stan Park

Off to the National Portrait Gallery in Washington, D.C. for the world premiere of the documentary film I've been working on.

It's no Kings of Summer, but it does feature a rare appearance by moi in front of a camera.

Our music composer is one half of the band Mountains, and one of our executive producers is Justin Bieber and Manti Te'o's publicist.

I hear Nancy Pelosi may attend the screening.

We're targeting the Toronto International Film Festival next, in part because the subject/director of our film would not be able to attend, as he would not be able to return home.

Fingers crossed. Miss you, Toronto.

Weak Chin Music

Previously (2010) on Adam Riff™:
My band The Blond Jews and I are currently prepping our follow-up to 2007's Web-rip 128kbps (NUKED) LP. Its working title is A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Darkness, and it is a literary concept album.

I am chuffed to announce my band The Blond Jews' third album, Yuzus, which was hastily recorded over the past month.

Track listing:

1. T.V.M.A.L.S.V.
2. Jason Street MetroTech
3. Scrawny Indiana
4. Employees Must Wash Brains
5. Only Children
6. xXYxXYx (Straight Edge Homosexual)
7. Diphthong Song
8. We Didn't Doubt the Fire
9. Loner in Sweatpants
10. Canarsie

Japanese bonus track:
11. Born Again Irish (Re-micks)

It's a messy album, but hey, they can't all be Stadium Arcadium.

Live Thogs: Man of Steel / This Is the End


White House Down Syndrome, heh.

Another animated film about auto racing?

Legendary is like Warner Bros.' sugar daddy.

I hereby sentence you to 300 cycles in a dildo!

"I'm a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist!" [chortles] Lois channeling [redacted].

Free association:

Lois Lounds. #hannisteel

You know Clark's not human because he's watching a Kansas football game – against a WAC team, no less!

Inception, The Dark Knight Rises, and now Man of Steel – Christopher Nolan sure likes leaps of faith.

IHOP fight!

Man of Steel Marketing Idea: A mobile phone recording of this IHOP fight on YouTube.

Huh. Man of Steel partnered with Walmart to sell tickets, but Sears is the featured big box store in the film.

It's like a bunch of unsexy brands jointly won the lottery – Nokia, IHOP, 7-Eleven, Sears, Kevin Costner.

Boy, this is a lot of action. It's like Warner Bros. is compensating for Superman Returns.

Boy, this is a lot of collateral damage.

Idea: A Superman video game in which the objective is to destroy as much shit as possible, like Rampage or Blast Corps with characters from the world of Superman.

Wayne Enterprises satellite!

The Kansas football team that Clark was watching was ranked 12th. #12 Kansas played Louisiana Tech in 2008, weeks after The Dark Knight was released. Was that satellite part of Lucius Fox's surveillance system?


[checks Twitter]

Mike: Was it me, or were there inconsistencies with the height of Superman's chest hair?


Podcast Idea: Jon and Mike discuss film/television minutiae.

[Grown Ups 2 trailer slays audience]

I am the 1%.

Man of Steel partnered with Carl's Jr., but Carl's Jr. is actually featured – and explicitly so – in This Is the End.

Are those ladies walking out? Yup.

I wonder how Tumblr will overblow this rape joke sight unseen.

You'd think James Franco's house would have access to the basement from inside.

'Tis an eventful weekend for dicks on film – baby Superman dick, flying penal dildos, giant demon erection, floppy demon dong, heavenly dick severing.

When did Kevin rejoin the Backstreet Boys?

The producers needed Louisiana's tax credits to film what is basically a bottle episode?

Huh. They flew all those celebrities out to Louisiana for cameos.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

24. North Korean Computer Lab (Vice, S01E10)

"Television Episode of the Year" candidate.

Honourable Mention

  • The new Sherlock Holmes (Family Tree, S01E04)
  • Sex montage (Maron, S01E07)

Stray Observations

  • "It's not easy being drunk all the time. Everyone would do it if it were easy." (Game of Thrones, S03E10)
  • "Then why are you using your sexy voice?" (Mad Men, S06E11)
  • "I was…comforting Mrs. Rosen. She was very upset." (Mad Men, S06E11)
  • "It looks like I'm masturbating if I put my hands in my pocket."
    "Put the blanket over it? Or is that…too FDR?" (Veep, S02E08)
  • Murphy bed callback (The Venture Bros., S05E02)


Another 48 Hours


[flushes urinal]

Was my urine red?


[flushes urinal]

My urine is red.

Jon: I think I have a urinary tract infection.
Rory: What? How…? Have you been humping feces?

Jon: I don't have time to search for a physician in New York City. And what if it's nothing? Last time I visited an urgent care centre, they charged me $500 to tell me I had the flu. And that was with insurance! I can ride this out.
Arvind: No, Jon, you can't ride it out. It's an infection that can spread up to your kidneys and become pyelonephritis, which is really serious.
Jon: [sigh]

Bollocks. The free clinic is only open on Saturdays.



1:00 a.m.

Triage Nurse: I'm gonna measure your vital signs.
Triage Nurse: Whoa. Are you a runner?
Jon: I run a lot, yes, but just to offset what a wreak as a foodie.

Hey, Jon. What's up? Oh, just cleaning my glans with a moist towelette before peeing into a cup.

1:30 a.m.

Hey, Jon. What's up? Oh, just having my testicles fondled by a stranger.

2:00 a.m.

Doctor: You appear to be in good health,

Well, I AM a runner…

Doctor: but your urine contains traces of blood. I ordered a CT scan for kidney stones.

Jon: Is a CT scan the one where they attach shit to your chest?
Pepe: No, that's an EKG. A CT scan is the Stargate.

Guh. $$$$

3:00 a.m.

An orderly enters the waiting area with a wheelchair.

Orderly: Jonathan Yu?
Jon: Yes.
Orderly: Have a seat.

Jon: You know, I can WALK down to the radiology floor…
Orderly: Hospital policy.

3:30 a.m.

Radiologist: [via speaker] Okay. Take a deep breath. Now exhale.
Radiologist: Hmmph.
Radiologist: Can you pull your pants down some more?

4:30 a.m.

Nurse: You have a 2mm kidney stone.
Nurse: Please begin peeing through this strainer so we can identify what caused the stone.
Nurse: And here are prescriptions for Flomax and Percocet.

Nurse: I need to check your vitals before discharging you.
Nurse: Whoa. Your heart rate. Are you an athlete?
Jon: [blushes]

127 Hours

Wrecked my circadian rhythm, but the film I've been working on is finally finished.


Pepe [Director]: Where are you going?
Jon: A Franklin Barbecue pop-up feast. See what all the fuss is about.
Pepe: Well, hurry back.

[two hours later]

Pepe: Back already?
Jon: [pause]
Pepe: How was it?
Jon: Oy… I am too old for "all you can eat." I feel like I'm carrying a baby made of brisket.

Jon: I don't know what fatty brisket is, but it is DIVINE.

Jon: Lean brisket, like white meat, just isn't worth eating.


Jake [Assistant Editor]: …Kings of Summer.
Jon: What about The Kings of Summer?
Jake: Oh. I want to see it. Same director made Successful Alcoholics, which I loved.

Is this real life?

Jon: Okay, ranking noodles:
Jon: 1. Rice pappardelle.
Jon: 2. Fettucine.
Jon: 3. Yi mien.
Jon: 4. Capelli d'angelo, a.k.a. capelli of the angelo…


The only place to nap in the office is an armless sofa in the reception area.

I lie down on my back – my sleeping position of choice.

What if I get a boner, though, and someone sees?

Hmmph. My arms are too short to cup my dick.

I switch to sleeping on my side.

Guh. Are there any pillows in the office?

I grab my hoodie and use it as a pillow.

Someone can still catch me with a boner.

I switch to sleeping on my side, but facing the back of the sofa.

This is awkward.

I switch back to sleeping on my back, but with my hoodie covering my crotch.

Okay, now I'm cold. Fuck.

[loud distant banging]

When Pepe is angry, he…hulks out.


Jon: Better South Carolina baseball player name: Joey Pankake or Graham Saiko?
Anthony [Assistant Editor]: Saiko G.
Anthony: "Saiko" would be a good name for a Japanese fighting game character.

Jon: Pankake batter, heh.
Jon: Pitcher David Koolaid.

Jon: Tiny Tower is not a particularly fun mobile game, but I can't stop playing it.
Jon: Well, "playing."
Jon: It's like a Tamagotchi.

Jon: Are the Tony Awards in June because it's Gay Pride Month?

Jon: Are the NAACP Image Awards in February?
Jake: Uhh… Of late, yes!


Is this jazzy, Woody Allen music original?

[Shazams music]

"Momma's Song" – Dan Romer & Benh Zeitlin.

Jon: Hold up. We're using a song off the Django Unchained soundtrack AND a song off the Beasts of the Southern Wild soundtrack?!
Jon: Might as well work in "Skyfall" too.

Jon: Can you change the font for "indefagitable"?
Jon: Err… Indefagita—
Jon: [pause]

Jon: Indie FATTY, indie FATTY…

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

No contest.

23. The Red Wedding (Game of Thrones, S03E09)

cue: silent clock

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "No more Hodoring." (Game of Thrones, S03E09)
  • "I will read the president's words without inflection. Slide to unlock." (Veep, S02E07)
  • "I love that kind of misogyny! I love misogyny like that." (Veep, S02E07)
  • Rocky cosplay (The Venture Bros., S05E01)
  • "Student green is made out of people!" (The Venture Bros., S05E01)
  • "Hey, why do you still have tits?" (The Venture Bros., S05E01)
  • "I'm not hugging meat." (Total Blackout, S02E11)
  • "Juicy balls!"
    "Not juicy balls." (Total Blackout, S02E11)

Sign language for "too much noodles" (Chopped, S16E02)

  • Salvador Dali digital alarm clock (Hannibal, S01E11)
  • Colombian necktie (Hannibal, S01E11)