Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

13. Young Nigga – "She Won't a Young Nigga" (Loiter Squad, S02E03)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "You saved us, Gene. I owe you my life."
    "No thanks. I've seen it, and I'm not impressed." (Bob's Burgers, S03E18)
  • "Let people chow down on the nether region of their choice." (Shameless, S03E10)
  • "I found the cure to comas!" (Shameless, S03E10)
  • A gay zombie romance?! (In the Flesh, S01E02)

(New Girl, S02E20)

  • "You know, this is every day in North Korea." (New Girl, S02E20)
  • "She ain't no Julia Roberts."
    "You know, I never cared for her much anyway. Looked too much like Eric." (Justified, S04E12)
  • "So we are literally searching every outhouse, doghouse, henhouse…" – The Fugitive reference (Justified, S04E12)
  • "You involved in this shooting?"
    "Nope." (Justified, S04E12)
  • Lucy, Daughter of the Devil reference (Archer, S04E11)
  • "Who am I? Cypher? The gayest X-Man?"
    "I don't know. Gambit looks like he knows his way around a pair of…" (Archer, S04E11)
  • "Here's Junky Brewster." (Archer, S04E11)
  • "Luther had some valid complaints." (Archer, S04E11)
  • "Well, sorry I don't have your language nerd skils,…hang on…Pambit!"
    "Wrong X-Man, dumbass!" (Archer, S04E11)
  • "I texted him to see if he wanted to go see that new gay Four Tops cover band, The Four Tops." (Happy Endings, S03E14)
  • Requiem for a Dream reference (Happy Endings, S03E14)
  • Adam Pally's hair is mutating like Seth Rogen's hair on Freaks and Geeks (Happy Endings, S03E14)
  • "I am just glad that the gay guy that Sean Penn played in Milk is not around to hear this."
    "You mean Harvey Milk?"
    "I saw Yes Man instead." (Happy Endings, S03E15)


Looking ahead:

Fat kid rules the world

From Vice Films:

Lil Bub & Friendz
Called "the most famous cat on the Internet," Lil Bub is the adorable embodiment of the Web's fascination with all things cats. Join Lil Bub and her owner on wild cross-country romp as they meet the Internet's most famous cat-lebrities. Includes Mike "The Dude" Bridavsky, Ben Lashes, Grumpy Cat, Nyan Cat, Keyboard Cat.

The doc will premiere in April at the Tribeca Film Festival.

He has his own monthly magazine?


Cesar's Way is the number one selling dog magazine at newsstand[s] in North America. In Spring 2012 a South African edition of the magazine was launched.

You could say that Cesar is the Caesar of dog shit.

Put the enfidence on that J

Ryan Lochte's reality show has a challenger.

Netflix will release its Arrested Development episodes in May.

The troll in me hopes they are released on Mother's Day.

But Netflix releases its original series on Fridays, so which May film's opening day/weekend will Arrested Development torpedo?

May 3: Iron Man 3?
May 10: The Great Gatsby?
May 17: Star Trek Into Darkness?

Would Netflix target Memorial Day weekend? Celebrate the beginning of summer by staying indoors.

May 24: Fast and Furious 6, The Hangover: Part III. Me-bro-rial Day weekend.

Steady Diet of Nothing

New Carrollton, MD

Ahh… The D.M.V., site of the infamous Jonathan Yu 40 Chicken McNugget Challenge. And Washington, D.C., where I lost my Chipotle virginity in 2002.

Chipotle's Asian-concept pilot restaurant is located in D.C. Hmm…

Rosslyn, VA

Jeesh. This Metro station escalator is like the infinite stairs in Super Mario 64.

Stallone running up this escalator.

City planners managed to align the Lincoln Memorial, Washington Monument, and Capitol, but couldn't figure out how to put a Metro station in Georgetown?

This bourbon chocolate pecan pie better be worth the trek.

Columbia Heights, D.C.

Green bags everywhere. Did D.C. ban plastic bags? No… That man has two plastic bags.

Old man, look at your life, pooping in a Giant supermarket restroom.

Huh. No paper bags in this supermarket. Did D.C. ban paper bags? Why would you ban paper bags and not plastic ones?

Bakeshop – Arlington, VA

Dónde está los interesting cupcake flavours? Aquí. 7-Up. And Nerds candy?

The Nerds cupcake was disappointingly just a vanilla cupcake with Nerds mixed in.

Eastern Market, D.C.

Cherry blossoms are the Lil' Sebastian of D.C.

I'm surprised that bikeshare is viable in a winter weather city.

Animal Collective – Jiffy Lube Live.

Freddy's BBQ Joint – D.C.

I could eat two racks of his ribs.

Dangerously Delicious Pies – D.C.

Oh, they sell a chocolate pecan pie too.

Jon: Can I get a slice of the chocolate pecan pie, the blueberry pancake batter pie, and the Baltimore Bomb pie? Thanks.

H Street NE reminds me of Michigan Ave. in Detroit.

Jon: Where should I eat in D.C.?

Tayler: Top Chef Spike's burger place. Toasted marshmallow milkshake!
McKern: JT says ramen at toki underground
Wilcox: good stuff burgers? TokiUnderground? (Sp?)


I feel like I'm being punked.

Toki Underground – D.C.

The queue was formidable.

Host: Party of two? Your wait time will be an hour forty-five to two hours.

And that's for people who arrived before the place opened.

Jon: Just one.
Host: Oh I can seat you immediately.

One is the luckiest number that you'll ever do?

Whenever I order a bowl of ramen at a restaurant, I always wish it contained more noodles and less broth.

In college, I would eat Maruchan Instant Lunch ramen three cups at a time. Pour boiling water into three cups, empty the cups in a large strainer, empty the strainer in a large bowl, and enjoy. No soup.

Mike Kelly: So you prefer mazeman (dry ramen).
Jon: …Yes.

Toki's restroom sink is unique.

H Street – D.C.

Good Stuff Eatery – D.C.

I can't seem to distinguish between a good gourmet burger and a bad one. They all taste acceptable to me.

Dug the pretzel-y fries. Dipping sauces: Old Bay mayo was tangier than I expected, sriracha mayo was sriracha mayo, and mango mayo wasn't mango-y enough.

As for the toasted marshmallow milkshake, well, it tasted like toasted marshmallows. I could only finish a third of it, though, as I don't fancy milkshakes.

If you ever want to extract information from me, force-feed me ramen milkshakes.

Good Stuff Eatery's milkshake of the month was a Samoa cookie shake.

Capitol Hill, D.C.

Oh. It's called Capitol Hill because it's a hill.

{ You've toured D.C. before, Jon. Twice, in fact. }

I know, but it's been awhile.

It's been awhile, since I could, hold my head up high

I'm on the outside, I'm looking in, I can see through you

The Capitol has a reflecting pool too?

{ [pause] }

Narcissistic architecture…by The Mars Volta. No, At the Drive-In. No, Mars Volta.

Union Station – D.C.

Chocolate pecan, pancake batter… [searches Google for images of "Baltimore Bomb pie"] Goddammit! She gave me a chocolate pie instead of Baltimore Bomb – chocolate chess, I think. [smacks lips] Salty chocolate…


Q2 goal: Obtain a slice of Baltimore Bomb pie and/or a package of Berger cookies.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

12. Tim and Colt chat (Justified, S04E11)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Shiri, operate!" (Girls, S02E10)
  • Romantic comedy? (Girls, S02E10)
  • Music: How did Girls afford the rights to a fun. song?
  • Evan Chambers! (Shameless, S03E09)
  • "Say 'saddle up for love.'"
    "Satellite above."
    "Seattle has drugs."
    "Oh. That's where they have drugs." (Bob's Burgers, S03E17)
  • "T is for the way you take my breath away. I is for the way I like it when you take my breath away. N is for no one else takes my breath away. And A is for asthma that is a disease that takes people's breath away!" (Bob's Burgers, S03E17)
  • "I brought some Schnapps."
    "Oh, that's bad. That is really bad. Oh my G—oh my God, it just got good."
    "You brought two?"
    "Double fist it! Double fist it!"
    "I'm not mixing peach and mint." (Bob's Burgers, S03E17)
  • Music: "New Noise" by Refused (The Following, S01E09)
  • Music: "The Tourist" by Radiohead (Bates Motel, S01E01)
  • Things that make you go hmmm… – this rape scene (Bates Motel, S01E01)

Louie Anderson (Splash, S01E01)

Louie Anderson (Splash, S01E01)

  • "I know this is a dumb question, but will a number two help?" (New Girl, S02E19)
  • Art was a Guns N' Roses fan (Justified, S04E11)
  • "You deserve a guitar as sexy as you, and… The man who autographed it… Deryck Whibley! It's a signed Whibley, George!" (Suburgatory, S02E17)
  • Tapatío product placement? (Suburgatory, S02E17)
  • Music: George covers "Bump and Grind" by R. Kelly (Suburgatory, S02E17)
  • "Daddy, would you like some sausage?" (Workaholics, S03E20)
  • Music: "Siamese Twins" by The Cure (The Americans, S01E08)
  • Music: Rachel and Brody cover "Creep" by Radiohead (Glee, S04E17)
  • Austin Flowers (The Ben Show, S01E05)
  • "Are you coming?"
    "No, but I'm breathing fast. Get it?" (Archer, S04E10)
  • "Holy shit, I'm gonna die in the desert – just like Cheryl's gypsy woman said."
    // "How, would I ever, die in a dessert?" //
    "Well, pretty close." (Archer, S04E10)
  • "Oh, God, I dunno, like maybe a gigantic chocolate mousse?"
    "I said 'desert'!"
    "Oh. Still pretty close." (Archer, S04E10)
  • "Ruff ruff ruff! Ruff ruff ruff! Ruff ruff ruff ruff! Ruff ruff ruff! Ruff!"
    [dog fart] (Archer, S04E10)


I chose an eternity of this

After removing a light-blue button-up shirt to reveal a t-shirt onto which he'd scrawled "KILLER" in black marker, T.J. Lane, who pleaded guilty last month to murdering three teenage boys in a school shooting, smirked as an Ohio judge gave him three life sentences without the possibility of parole.

Lane responded to the victims' grieving families with two brutal sentences: "The hand that pulls the trigger that killed your sons now masturbates to the memory. Fuck all of you." He then gave them the finger. [source]


Even Marshall Henderson's like

and he gives ZERO fucks.

Tony Fader Is My Hero 6

Randy Couture uses his years of expertise in the business of mixed martial arts to help turn struggling gyms into thriving enterprises.


Viacom should merge Spike and MTV2, but won't because it would decrease carriage fee revenue. I think, however, that a super channel targeting young men could command a larger carriage fee than Spike and MTV2's combined.

The 32 NCAA tournament first round losers should compete in a concurrent tournament for the opportunity to return in the Final Four, á la Last Chance Kitchen or Redemption Island. The Final Four team with the lowest cumulative margin of victory in the tournament must win an additional game against the champion of the losers' bracket in order to play in the Final Four – more madness.

How is there no subway line directly connecting Queens and Brooklyn? (The G train is a stillborn effort.)

When I lived in Chicago, I heard talk of a "circle line," or "outer Loop," that would connect existing L train lines, so you wouldn't necessarily have to slog downtown to the Loop to transfer lines.

Queens and Brooklyn need, like, a "semi-circle line" that curves westward from Flushing to Coney Island, bypasses Manhattan, and connects to all existing trains.

Kelly Olynyk went all Adam Morrison. Something in the water at Gonzaga.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

  • Has a Danzig song been used in a television drama before? (The Following, S01E08)

It was music week!

11. "Black Women Hugging" (The Ben Show, S01E03)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Bora Bora, New Zealand, Bali – this race is like a Price Is Right showcase (The Amazing Race, S22E04)
  • "Oy vey." (The Amazing Race, S22E04)
  • Much ado about nutting (Girls, S02E09)
  • "Do you rely on take-out a lot?"
    "Well, I take out Chinese food, pizza, thigh…"
    "Thigh. You know, thigh? Mon thigh? Thigh? […] Thigh – T-H-A-I?"
    "Oh, Thai!" (Worst Cooks in America, S04E04)
  • "Me-tard, you-tard, re-tard nation!" (Shameless, S03E08)
  • "You son of a snitch! What's your favourite movie? Squeal Magnolias?!"
    "War Horse…" (Bob's Burgers, S03E16)
  • "I see James. Where's the peach?" (Loiter Squad, S02E01)
  • "I wanted to come out here and extend, personally, my heartfelt condolences. I want to extend my heartfelt apologies for your loss…at WrestleMania." (WWE Raw, 03-11-13)
  • "Der ner-ner-ner."
    "Oh, you were not aware of this?"
    "Der ner-ner-ner."
    "Your posterior better contact someone at once!" (WWE Raw, 03-11-13)
  • "First thing we're gonna do is we're gonna acknowledge that this guy's awesome."
    "Well, he shoots Theo Tonin, fakes his own death in a spectacular fashion, pushes a guy out of an airplane while he's flying it, parachutes into Harlan County with enough coke and cash to jump-start the economy of a small country, and then he has the balls to get a job in law enforcement, not once, but two times. He spends a couple of days riding around with you while you're looking for him, and now he's run off with a hooker that's half his age! That's some bad-ass shit."
    "It's pretty bad-ass."
    "Let's go find a whore." (Justified, S04E10)
  • "That's what you get when you mess with Tony Danza's cousin!"
    "Devin Danza?!" (Workaholics, S03E19)

(Workaholics, S03E19)

(Archer, S04E09)

  • "Power blackout." (Archer, S04E09)
  • "Go online and check your bank account."
    "Now, when I'm suction-cupped on a window 30 stories above the ground."
    "Yeah! You should have five bars!" (Archer, S04E09)
  • RT: Archer's dive to save Lana is a legitimately exciting moment. (Archer, S04E09)
  • "Get in my big ol' vagina! I'm Lana!" (Archer, S04E09)
  • Room 237 (Archer, S04E09)
  • "Lana's destroying the toilet."
    "Join the club." (Archer, S04E09)
  • "Do you want a drink?"
    "What do you want? Rum and coke? Red Stripe?"
    "No, just…soft drink."
    "Lilt?" (The Office Revisited, 03-15-13)
  • "We can do this, do a political reggae song. It's perfect, 'cause it's mega-racial, but anti-racist." (The Office Revisited, 03-15-13)

Banshee Season 1: Opening Credits Combination Reveal (contains a sweet but spoiler-y supercut)


I'm drinking cement like it's going out of style

Previously on Adam Riff™: Fantasy MLB Commissioner

» From the 18th inning on, every half-inning begins with a runner or runners already on base.

19th inning: runner on first base
20th inning: runners on first and second base

Jon: Oh. A text from Ben. "It's like you invented these rules." Whaaa? [enlarges image]

At games this season, the West Michigan Whitecaps (the Detroit Tigers' Class A affiliate) will sell a taco with a shell made out of bacon:

Now this is a loco taco.

Marooned on Piano Island

Previously on Adam Riff™:

'92 Skybox Alonzo Mourning Rookie Card is a 12-minute comedic short about a dysfunctional sibling relationship. It just premiered at Sundance.

I dug it, and lo, the short is a precursor to a feature film, Awful Nice, that expands on the brothers' relationship.

"Awful Nice just premiered at SXSW?"

It's insane — most movies might build to a scene in which a pre-funeral competitive-chugging contest around the family dinner table ends in a glass-shattering, face-bloodying fistfight, but this starts there — reminding me at points of Step Brothers and Wet Hot American Summer, and in a different (and almost definitely worse) world it would be a huge studio comedy starring Danny McBride and Channing Tatum. Maybe it's the next Foot Fist Way. [source]

"Well, I hope to catch it at IFF Boston."

Related: You can now watch '92 Skybox Alonzo Mourning Rookie Card, which features the aforementioned pre-funeral scene, on demand via YouTube:

I'm bullish on this creative team. I picture a comedy series by them for FX or HBO – a male version of Girls, perhaps.

Elsewhere: The creative team behind Bellflower just successfully crowdfunded a second feature film.

Chuck Hank and the San Diego Twins is a "surrealist action/drama influenced heavily by '80s action films and side-scrolling fighting games like Streets of Rage and Double Dragon." [source]

Every Breath Is a Bomb

"This is my fuckin' dream y'all. I got shit! I got fuckin' shorts y'all! I got 'Scarface' on repeat y'all! I got Calvin Klein Escape!"


State Fair of Texas Food Item Idea: Deep Fried Chipotle Burrito Bowl Bites.

Jon: King of the Nerds should cast a magic enthusiast for season two.
Rory: Magic the craft or Magic: The Gathering?
Jon: Why not both? Cast a magician and a Magic player.

NFL = Facebook
MLB = MySpace
NBA = Tumblr
NHL = Google+
Soccer = Reddit

NASCAR = LinkedIn?

In light of the buzz over DeAndre Jordan's dunk on Brandon Knight, the NBA should convert its sinking Sprite Slam Dunk Contest into a series of slam dunk showdowns promoted like a fight card. One dunker, one defender, first to five successful dunks wins.

LeBron vs. Durant
Griffin vs. Westbrook
Iguodala vs. Green
George vs. White

Anti-Spokane Rhetoric

Jon: the editing, both video and audio, is…bravura. imagine soderbergh's the limey plus melodrama. some stupendous scenes. and matthew goode is tremendous
Ty: cool cool cool
Ty: what's your MBTI, btw?
Jon: my, uh…
Jon: my myers briggs type indicator?
Ty: yes
Jon: oh gosh
Jon: i tested for mine years ago in high school with speech and debate teammates, but…
Ty: it can change over time
Jon: i have it somewhere at home
Ty: you should retake it
Ty: this one is quite accurate and it's free:
Jon: are you serious?
Ty: is TJ miller a guest on a podcast this week?
Jon: hold…

Ty: look up ISTJ and see how accurate it is
Ty: i'm INTJ and it's dead-on
Ty: MBTI has accurately predicted most of my friendships and relationships. it's fucking crazy
Jon: …
Ty: no, really
Ty: it's not a horoscope
Jon: i don't need a test to inform me who i get on with best
Jon: (they tend to enjoy smoking…or cock)

Jon: "ISTJs are often highly religious" – dead-on

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

Previously on Adam Riff™ (August 12, 2011):
Nathan Fielder deserve[s] better than Comedy Central.

10. Petting Zoo Hero (Nathan For You, S01E02)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Aadip decides to make a cheeseburger with no burger. It's a grilled cheese. So he puts slices of cheese, without bread, directly on the grill top and watches them immediately melt to the cast iron. "Man, they melted so fast. I was trying to grill it to get a nice sear on it." (Worst Cooks in America, S04E03)
  • "He's just trying to grill cheese. He's grilling cheese! Oh my God!" (Worst Cooks in America, S04E03)
  • What's behind curtain "not shitting you"? Zonk! (Let's Make a Dead, S03E12)
  • "You sure about this?"
    "It's the only way we can keep you from resisting your urges."
    "It's really hard."
    "I'll be with you the whole time."
    "No, I mean, it's really hard. Handcuffs turn me on."
    [gasp] (Shameless, S03E07)
  • It's White Castle night on television (Shameless, S03E06 / Girls, S02E08)
  • "Your name's Max Flush and you're looking for a toilet? That's funny."
    "And his name is Bob Burger!"
    "His name is Bob Burger."
    "Um, it's not."
    "It is."
    "It isn't, no."
    "It's not?"
    "No! Are you serious?"
    "Bob Burgers."
    "Bob Burgers. Then who am I thinking of?"
    "I don't know."
    "But the sign…" (Bob's Burgers, S03E15)
  • Season three would be about lawsuits? No thanks (Enlightened, S03E08)
  • Jerry Lawler chuckling at Road Dogg quoting "Thrift Shop." @______@ (WWE Raw, 03-04-13)
  • "You go play asshole in the mirror." (Justified, S04E09)

(Justified, S04E09)

  • "When I take him down, his eyes will be clear." (Justified, S04E09)
  • "Tell whoever approved this that your face is a present from me to them." (The Americans, S01E06)
  • "If we call them city lizards, they'd be Mondo Gecko." (Workaholics, S03E18)
  • "This is like that Ashram Kitchen show Prank'd."
    "Or Wilma Valmarammi's Blow Momma." (Kroll Show, S01E08)
  • "I may have started at Binghamton, but I finished at Syracuse." (Kroll Show, S01E08)
  • "You've just been Nnamdi'd!" (Kroll Show, S01E08)
  • "You really you'd this one, huh?" (Community, S04E05)
  • Adam DeVine is ubiquitous (Community, S04E05)
  • "He's the Schwarzenegger, I'm the DeVito." (Community, S04E05)
  • "Gingers smell like pennies." (Glee, S04E15)
  • "Sorry I don't know the guy who created Pong. Ask me what the release date of Halo 4 is – November 6, 2012." (King of the Nerds, S01E08)
  • "Let's, you know, de-escalate the situation."
    "Oh for… De-escalate your dick!"
    "De-… Wait, I mean… Escalate shutting up!" (Archer, S04E08)
  • "Was there not, like, a cock-hungry vibe?" (Archer, S04E08)
  • "Can you escort us to a hospital? I bet about three of these women are about to give birth." (Archer, S04E08)
  • "We all know who the terrorists are."
    "Los Musulmanes."
    "Lupe! Come on! You're in America now. You just imply it." (Archer, S04E08)
  • "Que the hell pasa?" (Archer, S04E08)
  • "You don't even have a vet license?"
    "Thanks to one petty local politician…and one petty barn full of dead horses." (Archer, S04E08)
  • "Lupe, ya tengo una madre!" (Archer, S04E08)
  • "Turns out he's some kind of spook."
    "Dude, phrasing!" (Archer, S04E08)
  • "I never got to be mayor of titty city." (The Ben Show, S01E02)
  • "What the fuck is the point of being fat and black if you can't fuckin' tackle? Jefferson, what did I say is the only career path for you if you're fat and black?"
    "Rapping and tackling, sir." (The Ben Show, S01E02)
  • "We also have to figure out a band name. You guys ready? All right. The Roving Stoves. Sugar Ray Romano. Leave Me the Beaver. The Fartin' Scorseses. Satan's Wang. Ass Piss. 21 Cum Street. Fuck Fuck Goose. Queef Latina. Vagi-Na-Na." (The Ben Show, S01E02)
  • "But there was one person no one would ever suspect – Santa Claus." (Nathan For You, S01E02)
  • Unexpectedly dark series finale. Scorched earth (Delocated, S04E01)
  • "Because the best gift that you can give a loved one is"
    "Oral." (Saturday Night Live, S38E16)
  • "Is that a PS Vita?" (House of Cards, S01E04)


Game of Thrones pedicab at SXSW