I want to live in a bubble, I need a getaway car

Previously on Adam Riff™ (May 10, 2010):
Donnie Yen ruled out Ip Man 3 (Ip Man mentors Bruce Lee?), but two more Ip Man biopics will be released this year: Wong Kar-Wai's The Grand Master, starring Tony Leung as Ip Man, and Herman Yau's The Legend Is Born: Ip Man, starring Yu-Hang To, who also appears in Ip Man and Ip Man 2.

Ip Man 3?!

Oh. No. It's the sequel to The Legend Is Born: Ip Man (Ip Man 1B).

Ip Man 2B will premiere in Hong Kong just two months after The Grandmaster (Ip Man 1C) finally opened in cinemas.

Five Ip Man biopics in five years – you'd think he was the Monkey King.

Idea: A weekly podcast that excerpts the best parts of the past week's podcasts – audio Talk Soup.

Odd-looking sneaker.

Oh the ankle part zips down. So your shoes have collars? Banana Jordans.

I'm surprised that TLC hasn't produced Extreme Sneakerheads yet, or MTV an "I am a sneakerhead" episode of True Life.

MTV Casting Call:

Do you constantly receive compliments and gifts from strangers, but fear you outshine your friends? Do your friends not include you in nights out on the town because you steal the show?

Do you regularly skip meals so that you can save your calories for nights of binge drinking? Are you concerned about your weight, but not willing to give up partying to live a healthy lifestyle?

Blingo Millions

Kelly Knows Something (1994)
When the Bundy TV set blows its condenser, Al decides to try out for a place on a new sports trivia game show, hoping to win a new TV set as the first prize. But when he is denied because of his lack of personality, Al tries to transfer his knowledge of sports to Kelly to win the show for him. But for each fact that she takes in, another falls out.


Heh. Bynum is like the basketball version of…..of…..G_d, I'm blanking. He played for the Dolphins. Running back. Texas. [pause] Fuck, what is his name?!

[googles "Mike Ditka wedding dress"]

Ricky Williams!


"Seinfeld uncle." Three letters. Uncle Ben? No, that's Spider-Man. And rice.

Uncle…..blimey! What is his name?! Abe Vigoda-lookin' motherfucker…


Remember Sammy Jankis.

Ben Puchowitz

WUT. How did I miss this?

"24-Hour Apple Store"

12:06 a.m. | monday
Pepe: Hey, can you do me a favour? How tired are you?
Jon: What?
Pepe: I need an iPad Mini.
Jon: Now? You can't get one in Cleveland?
Pepe: I'd like to set it up before I leave.
Jon: [pause]
Pepe: Please? I'll reimburse your cab fare.
Jon: [sigh] Fine. 5th and…57th?
Pepe: 58th.

12:18 a.m.
Jon: Hey, I can't get a cab.
Pepe: What? Go to 6th Avenue.
Jon: I am on 6th Avenue! But everyone is returning home from Oscar parties, I think.

12:22 a.m.
Fuck this. Subway time.

12:27 a.m.
Should've brought a book.

12:32 a.m.
What is that rat doing?

12:38 a.m.
Guh. Where are the trains?!

12:42 a.m.
Fuck this. I should be able to get a cab now.

1:36 a.m.
Pepe: What took you so long?
Jon: [pause]

1:00 a.m. | 53rd and 6th halal cart
Jon: Can I get a combo platter?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

8. Latino Voices (The Jeselnik Offensive, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

  • Child Protective Services visit (Shameless, S03E05)
  • Act One (Black Mirror, S02E02)
  • Epilogue (Black Mirror, S02E02)
  • Nick and Jess' weird-off (New Girl, S02E17)

Stray Observations

Jorts, is a taxidermist, works at Walmart… (The Amazing Race, S22E01)

  • This vlogger Joey is excruciating (The Amazing Race, S22E01)
  • Carla is excruciating. How do you not know what a quarter of a cup is? (Worst Cooks in America, S03E01)
  • "Hey, let's describe our testicles with a movie title." (Bob's Burgers, S03E14)
  • Jon Benjamin cannot sing in a high vocal range (Bob's Burgers, S03E14)
  • "Me, a freak in the fridge." (Bob's Burgers, S03E14)
  • "I made it rain shrimp! What'd you ever do?"
    "Get underneath them. They're self dipping!" (Bob's Burgers, S03E14)
  • Whoa. Tina found herself a boyfriend (Bob's Burgers, S03E14)
  • "Let's go take the Browns to the Super Bowl." (Shameless, S03E05)
  • "Ian's dick was in your dad's mouth?"
    "It's, uhhh, a figure of speech. It's like saying 'none of your business' – 'your dick's in my dad's mouth, man.'" (Shameless, S03E05)
  • "Can we have a party?"
    "You bet! Just as soon as we dig up this old dead crack whore." (Shameless, S03E05)
  • "Dad, what's this?"
    "Uhhh, that's a pacifier for your anus." (Shameless, S03E05)
  • "Wait, so some guys like to lick wieners?"
    "Well, I'm sure, at first, they're attracted to each other's build, and once a connection gets made, then the wieners get licked." (Shameless, S03E05)
  • "I need to know, where the gay wieners go."
    "You know how you plunge a toilet when it's backed up?"
    "Think of it as one dude plunging another dude's toilet." (Shameless, S03E05)
  • Ian and Mickey's first kiss (Shameless, S03E05)
  • "I totally almost drowned a slut!" (Shameless, S03E05)
  • "What are these?"
    "You don't…you don't know what a pistachio is?"
    "It looks like a little penis."
    "I don't know if you're joking or not." (Girls, S02E06)
  • "Young girls are great. Young girls and older ladies. It's the inbetweens that are a problem."
    "Right. Exactly. Yeah, women under 18 and over 40 are the best at relationships. 'Cause the young ones, they can still maintain enough insecurity to be vulnerable, which is attractive, and the older ones, they don't have these bullshit expectations of what a relationship needs to be, or doesn't need to be." (Girls, S02E06)
  • Webster Hall hat (Girls, S02E06)
  • Directed by Todd Haynes [I'm Not There]? And tonight's episode is directed by David Michôd [Animal Kingdom]? (Enlightened, S02E08)
  • @DramaOn4: Those asking about Series 2… Watch this space. #utopia (S01E06)
  • "Anthony Bourdain is, like, the king of ethnic food." (The Taste, S01E05)
  • "Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis. Direct quote, Scott Caan." (New Girl, S02E17)
  • Tom Walker! Paul Kinsey! Bernard! (Justified, S04E07)
  • Kennet's decorative C-movie posters (Justified, S04E07)
  • "I don't drink red margaritas." (Justified, S04E07)

(Justified, S04E07)

(Justified, S04E07)

  • "What's the best part about being an oncologist? Always meeting new people?" (The Jeselnik Offensive, S01E01)
  • Aziz Ansari cannot do a Latino accent (The Jeselnik Offensive, S01E01)
  • "My allergies are starting to cry." (Modern Family, S04E16)
  • Rex Manning! Bud Bundy! (Modern Family, S04E16)
  • Blake wears a Century Theatres vest!!! (Workaholics, S03E16)
  • Comedy Central should rescind its renewal of Kroll Show (S01E06)
  • "Someone fuckin' tell me what Neve Campbell sounds like." (Parks and Recreation, S05E15)
  • "You can't tourniquet the taint!" (Archer, S04E06)
  • "Well, no, obviously it's not Heaven, because Janis Joplin's not giving me a rimjob." (Archer, S04E06)

(Archer, S04E06)


Waltz #3

I would like to see what would happen if a broadcast network counterprogrammed a major awards show with another major awards show. What if CBS aired the Grammys against the Oscars?

Rory: E! would implode.

For its Oscars party, Williamsburg's Nitehawk Cinema is serving food and drink inspired by this year's "best picture" nominees:

Zero Dark Thirty
Food: The Compound (spiced rubbed lamb, pickled red onion, curry aioli, pita, cucumber and cumin salad)
Beverage: Founders Porter

Silver Linings Playbook
Food: Philly Style "Kandy Kakes" (vanilla cake, peanut butter ganache)
Beverage: Victory Prima Pils

Beasts of the Southern Wild
Food: Fried Oyster Po' Boy (hush puppies, spicy remoulade)
Beverage: Wink's Bathtub Gin (bulldog gin, lillet blanc, crème de cacao, fresh lemon)

Django Unchained
Food: Dynamite Shrimp and Grits (chipotle lime marinated shrimp, spicy grit cakes, red eye gravy)
Beverage: Candyland (benchmark bourbon, blackberry liqueur, fresh lemon, cinnamon, mint)

Knowing the other three food dishes, I'm surprised that Silver Linings Playbook isn't a cheesesteak. Also, that only four "best picture" nominees inspired food is disappointing.

Les Misérables: a loaf of bread
Lincoln: chicken fricassee (his favourite dish)
Amour: deep fried cervelle de veau (calf brain)
Argo: a california roll (imitation crab meat) – six pieces
Life of Pi: a pizza topped with chunks of your mother, whom the cook killed

IMDb reviews written by rightwingisevil

The Master (2012)
when i watched this movie started to roll, the first thought came into my mind was how could an almost deformed person like hunchback of Notredame could possibly enlisted in the u.s. navy? the guy was a stooped, one deformed shoulder sagged in with irregular ribs, he couldn't even stand vertically straight, how he could pass the tough training for the grunts? and his mental condition was also obviously totally shattered and been abnormal long before he was enlisted by the navy. he might have already been a weirdo since teenage or even earlier. so how come and how a guy in such a messy condition could be a soldier fighting the 2nd world war? this was obviously a wrong cast signing this great actor to play such weird character in a even weirder movie. then again, the guy was such crazy psychopath to work in a department too. then again, after the crazy uncontrollable incident, the guy got a labor job in the field, then again, the arrangement of the scene became even weirder, his co-workers were from where? those people around him spoke a dialect vaguely like Filipinos, but right after WWII, even the Mexican immigrants were rare if you had seen many other movies with that era as the time zone, there's no way those labors could be from the far east.

then, there're plenty of naked butts all over the place, yet none of them would have turned any normal males on. guess when females in those ugly forms affected by gravity and ages, wearing or not wearing made no big difference. if you want to see beautiful bodies, strongly recommend "Spartacus season 1~3).

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen (2011)
the 2nd thought that troubled me a lot is the movie title: 'salmon fishing in the Yemen'. grammatically speaking, we can use 'THE' in this title if it's 'salmon fishing in the Yemen river(s)' or ' salmon fishing in the rivers(s) of Yemen' or 'salmon fishing in the dam of Yemen', or 'salmon fishing in the Yemeni river', we cannot use 'the' if we say, "salmon fishing in the Canada", but we can use 'the' if we say, 'salmon fishing in the united states (of America) or USA; we cannot use 'the' in 'salmon fishing in the china', but we can use 'the' if the sentence is 'salmon fishing in the Chinese rivers'. so, this movie title basically overturned the grammatical training i used to follow.

Mirror Mirror (2012/I)
really shocked me to death. couldn't imagine a young woman's eyebrows would be so thick, so wide and so long. those eyebrows once showed up on the screen, they turned me off right away. her thick eyebrows also forced me to think that she might have hairy chest and back, maybe she shaved her beard, her arms and her legs. but if she knew to shave or wax those parts, why didn't she go to the threading shop to thread and trim her eyebrows? why the director or even her mother didn't advise her that she must do something about her eyebrows first? i've read all of the reviews and only found out there is only one reviewer mentioned such disastrous eyebrows. how could i accept her as the convincing and believable THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL in our fairy tales that had been in my childhood dreams? my god, those eyebrows…..

Lockout (2012)
sending criminals into the space prison? do you know how much it'd cost, you moron? nasa couldn't even continue the space projects since every launch cost so much. space travels from earth are only for those who are filthy rich but not for those who are guilty criminals. do you guys know how much it would cost to maintain the existing space station in the present orbit? sentencing criminals into the space to freeze them up is one thing, maintaining the life system with prison warden, security force, making the space prison a normal operation, the logistic cost would be larger than the defense budget. and why all the most vicious criminals are British citizens? why mr. besson didn't put some french criminals into the space prison? and why America is still playing the world/global police and has the jurisdiction and obligation to administer the outer space prison?

Battleship (2012)
guy wanted to impress the young woman in the bar, did a 'break & entering' grand theft to get a burrito in the local convenience store, video recorded, tasered by the police, released next day, got a icy tub treatment, then joined the navy? since when the navy would allow a guy with criminal record to be recruited in the navy? the guy committed a serious crime would still be able to sleep on the couch of his brother's place same night?

Melancholia (2011)
so the world was going to come to an end, and a wedding had panned out due to the late and delay of the new couple riding a long limo that got todrive to the deep countryside to have a grand wedding ceremony and the limo simply couldn't handle the curvy and narrow country road all way to that remote mansion. my god, how cruel you two lousy families that decided to hold a wedding ceremony in such deserted countryside?

200 M.P.H. (2011) (V)
both sons looked already over 20 yrs old, the elder brother even looked like reached the 30s, and their mother was still a stripper, a so-called exotic dancer in a strip nightclub? so lets figure out how it was possible that her 2nd son was eligible for a high school graduate applying for college? so suppose it was as the screenplay described, if her 2nd son was 18 yrs old, when did she have the first son? and her first son almost looked reaching 30…..well, unless she had her 1st son when she was 13 and had her 2nd son when she was….eh….well, 16? otherwise how could you accept that she was still able to do the job as a strip dancer? with two son looked and acted like in the 30 and 25, no matter how she tried, she'd in the age of 45 or 55, might hold the world record as the oldest striper still working every night.

John Carter (2012)
But "John Carter", a production cost over $2.5 billions, the creation was so pathetically thin and shallow, it shamelessly copied and so directly from so many storyline, plots, scenes, characters from the "Star Wars". I don't care how old the original dime novel series, but there's absolutely no new creation but old re-creation of the "Star Wars", even the hero John Carter was a borrowed character from Hansolo(?), an unwilling and accidental passersby who fatally got involved in somebody else's war. the movie title "John Carter" could even be retitled as "Prequel of Star Wars: Everything Started from Mars Before Wars Fought in the Galaxy".

We Bought a Zoo (2011)
this is a very pretentious movie. guy's wife died 6 months ago, quit his job from a dying newspaper, with two kids, one teen and one little girl daughter, and guess what? women already tried to hook him up, one of them kept sending him lasagna in front of the school. you believe women would be interested in flirting with a new widower with two kids? give me a break! then the guy bought a house in an abandoned zoo, just like if you want to marry a widower, you've got to marry his kids too. give me a break.

Eater's Digest: Philadelphia

What began as an excursion down to Philly to try Drew's sandwich ballooned into an all-day food crawl, and the latest episode in the "Jon dines out with someone he just met in person for the first time" series.

Blind Ates with Jon Yu. No, Meet and Eat with Jon Yu. Filling Accomplices?

S02E13: Jon and Dan [and Danielle] eat at A-Frame in Culver City (November 2011)
Dan: I haven't listened to Thrice since The Artist in the Ambulance.

S03E01: Jon and Mike eat at Slows Bar BQ in Detroit (October 2012)
Mike: I love anything pumpkin.

S03E02: Jon and Ryan eat at Mission Chinese Food in San Francisco (November 2012)
Ryan: I'm almost positive that homeless man shit himself in the pupusería.

S03E03: Jon and Drew eat at American Sardine Bar, Stateside, Ela, Southwark, and Sbraga in Philadelphia (January 2013)
Jon: [to himself] Did this dude just casually use the word "diaspora"?

S03E04: Paging Jon Tayler! Jon and Matt eat at Primanti Bros.?

I digress.


Hot Fresh Donuts (Federal Donuts)
turkish mocha / strawberry lavender / cinnamon brown sugar

Hot fresh donuts are fried to order.

I ordered a Turkish mocha one and received and what looked and tasted like a cinnamon brown sugar donut.

"Did she mishear 'Turkish mocha' as 'cinnamon brown sugar'?" I wondered. "Oh well."

[I'm not a finicky eater. I recently received lamb chops that were undercooked, and finished them anyway.]

Fried Chicken (Federal Donuts)
dry shabazzi seasoning / served with japanese cucumber pickles and a honey donut

When I returned at lunch time to try FedNuts' fried chicken, I was offered samples of all three hot fresh donuts, and they all looked and largely tasted like cinnamon brown sugar donuts.

"Alllllrighty then."

Grilled Cheese Bread Pudding (Valley Shepherd Creamery)
somerset cheese, cream cheese, brioche, bacon, oil-cured tomatoes, roasted garlic, halteman eggs, arugula / served with ketchup-flavoured potato chips

It tasted like pizza. [shrugs]

Pumpple Cake (Flying Monkey Bakery)
apple pie baked inside vanilla cake, pumpkin pie baked inside chocolate cake, buttercream

The "turducken of desserts." I would replace the pumpkin pie with a pecan pie. As is, I would rather eat the summer version – blueberry pie baked inside vanilla cake, and cherry pie baked inside chocolate cake:

The Philly Surf and Turf (Hot Diggity)
bacalao fishcake wrapped hot dog covered in amish pepper hash and topped with spicy brown mustard

Tasty concoction. I wish the hot dog was plumper, but understand that it had to fit inside a fishcake and then a bun.

Spicy PB&J Soda (Hot Diggity)

Oof. It looked like refreshing berry soda, and tasted like butt. Good job, good effort.


I enter. The four people inside pause and stare at me.

"Uhhh… Are you open?"

I sit down at the bar.

"Just you?"
"No. I'm meeting someone."

An Asian bloke enters.

"Hey du—" Ohhh that's not him. [pause] All look same, heh.

Major Lazor's "Dad['s] Sandwich" (American Sardine Bar)
a grilled cheese on texas toast with slices of turkey and pork roll, cheddar, dijonaise, jalapeños, and a crunchy layer of barbecue chips tucked in between

The main event, and, as merely the January sandwich in a "guest-created sandwich of the month" series, once in a lifetime. Never before, never again.

It was reportedly inspired by Drew's dad. His dad is…Doritos X-13D? I got nothing.

March submission:
Charlie Kelly's Grilled Charlie Sandwich
peanut butter outside, chocolate inside, butter inside, cheese outside

November submission:
Jon Yu's Pilgrim and Indian Sandwich
dutch crunch roll, turkey, cranberry chutney, havarti cheese, masala stuffing

Chef's Board (Stateside)
beef cheek croquette, mushroom aioli / lamb shoulder terrine, almond mint pesto / winnemere cheese, smoked honey

A croquette? Lamb? Mint pesto? It's like the executive chef knew I was visiting when crafting that day's charcuterie plate.

A sous chef then shared a work in progress:

"Pork Buns" (Stateside)
brown butter cake, kochujang pork, watermelon radish


Diver Scallop "Noodles" (Ela)
bolognese sauce, smoked pecorino

Gnocchi (Ela)
crispy potato skin, cheddar, chive

Whipped Foie Gras (Ela)
cranberry muffin, dolce de leche, radish

Chicken Dumpling "Bahn Cam" (Ela)
herbs, roasted red pepper

Never mind that its drinks are named after Brand New songs, 20 days later, I am still thinking about my tasting meal at Ela. All the dishes that I tried hit my sweet spot at the intersection of interesting and delicious. (Spicy PB&J soda? Interesting, but not delicious.)

I would travel to Philadelphia just to eat at this place again. In fact, after seeing its desserts, I must:

left: cookie dough, right: whipped butterscotch

Hemingway Daquiri (Southwark)
rum, maraschino liquor, lime, grapefruit

Steamed Clams (Southwark)
dry vermouth, shallots, tomato, chili sauce

A cocktail and clams – I felt so adult. The drink was practically dry, just as Hemingway liked it.

Pork Belly (Sbraga)
chili oil, sea lettuce, cucumber

First off, I support any restaurant that serves popovers in lieu of bread. (see also: Wayfare Tavern)

Secondly, I have never had pork belly this way, as thin strips – deli belly.

Octopus (Sbraga)
piri piri, green beans, tapenade

So this octopus – delicious, but not interesting. I was stunned by how tender it was. I am used to, and am perfectly content, eating chewy octopus – mom's cooking.

Gravlox (Sbraga)
capers, shallot, pea leaves

Charred Eggplant (Sbraga)
kim chee, beans, apple

Black Truffle Risotto (Sbraga)
carrots, pea tendrils

Sirloin (Sbraga)
milk, honey, jelly beans

Praline Napoleon (Sbraga)
coffee ice cream

Banana Split (Sbraga)
strawberry, pineapple sorbet

Sbraga Punch (Sbraga)
absolut mandarin, amaretto, fresh orange, pineapple

Prichard's Double Chocolate Bourbon (Sbraga)

Clear ice, full stomachs, can't lose. I actually had room in my tummy to crawl on, but the last train home beckoned.


I should try to poop before meeting Drew, clear out some space. You can do anything you set your mind to, Jon.

The nearest hotels are in the opposite direction of where I'm headed, though, and I don't want to be late.

Oh there's a hospital.


Aaand there's a security guard at the entrance. Bollocks. Toward Centre City we go…


Aaand you need to a keycard to access this restroom. Fuck.

[sighs] Sod it. I can poop at a restaurant if necessary.

Wait, I think I passed a Starbucks on the walk over.



This is a swanky Starbucks.

If you had, one shot, or one opportunity, to squeeze everything you ever wanted, in one toilet, would your ass emit, or just let you sit?

Hmmph. Fun size.

EXT. 18TH AND PINE – 3:40 PM

Well, you tried, Jon. Every little poop counts.

Hey, where's my iPhone? Shit, did I leave it in the restroom?

You just had to check Tumblr, didn't you? Eeediot!

Previously on Adam Riff™:


I kick game like Eastbay

Previously on Adam Riff™:

—It's past time to scrap the "best original song" [Oscar] category. No performances of negligible "best original song" nominees. Instead, we fill the telecast with performances of sexier soundtrack highlights from the past year. I picture, in this order:

  • Bruno Mars – "It Will Rain" (from Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 1)
  • The National – "Think You Can Wait" (from Win Win)
  • Karen O, Trent Reznor, and Atticus Ross – "Immigrant Song" (from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo)
  • Carey Mulligan – "New York, New York" (from Shame)
  • College feat. Electric Youth – "A Real Hero" (from Drive)

If I produced this year's Oscars telecast, I would book the following musical performances, in this order:

  • Owl City – "When Can I See You Again" (from Wreck-It Ralph)
  • Anne Hathaway – "I Dreamed a Dream" (from Les Misérables)
  • Dan Romer and Benh Zeitlin – "Once There Was a Hushpuppy" (from Beasts of the Southern Wild)
  • Holograms of James Brown and 2Pac – "Unchained [The Payback / Untouchable]" (from Django Unchained)
  • Adele – "Skyfall" (from Skyfall)

Alas, I'm not the producer, and they booked Barbra Streisand, because of course they did.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

7. Lucas Hood vs. The Albino (Banshee, S01E06)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "No one says 'I from you.'" (Bob's Burgers, S03E13)
  • "Who would be serious about these things?"
    "Bill Belichick, Peter Frampton…" (Bob's Burgers, S03E13)
  • "Clean up, aisle my panties!" (Bob's Burgers, S03E13)
  • "I also ran over Vinny Testaverde's wife." (Bob's Burgers, S03E13)
  • Lena Dunham vs. Paz de la Huerta in a nude-off (Girls, S02E05)
  • "City pools are filled with city kids, and by 'city kids,' I mean 'black kids' – who swim. Little stereotype breakers, like those two kids who ripped your bathing suit last year."
    "They were turning it into a bikini."
    "If they'll do that when you're just running through the sprinklers at your own house, think what they'll do when they have a large body of water at their disposal. Savage little Cosby kids will drown your ass." (Shameless, S03E04)
  • "If ignorance is bliss, then Down syndrome's gotta be euphoria." (Shameless, S03E04)
  • "Never receiving, always destroying." (Shameless, S03E04)
  • "If God didn't want us putting things up our ass, he would've given the rectum a gag reflex." (Shameless, S03E04)
  • Here comes a new character: Half-brother raised as a girl (Shameless, S03E04)
  • "It's okay to be ghost. It has its pleasures. You're light. You float. You slip in and out unseen. There's no love to lose. Or burden to be. You have so little to hold you down. You are free. Some pearls are never found. They hide under the sand on the ocean floor. No one knows they're there. But the pearl knows. Maybe there was a time he wanted to be found. To be seen. And to be held. But now only hope hurts. I am my own secret. A secret kept by me." (Enlightened, S02E05)
  • "Something has changed. Now the ghost is scared. He cannot float. He's heavy. He's flesh and blood. He must open doors. He can't slip away unseen. The ghost is sad. All those years invisible haunt him now. Why didn't he try? Or care? Or be? The ghost is happy. He is found. He is held. And he is seen. The ghost is seen." [Joanna Newsom – "Esme"] (Enlightened, S02E05)
  • Her computer is cool (Black Mirror, S02E01)

Antonio Cesaro ragdolls Miz (WWE Raw, 02-11-13)

Eric F. and Kris' amazing giant (Face Off, S04E05)

  • "Rapes-with-a-Smile." (Justified, S04E06)
  • "You're a criminal. How you get blood stains out of upholstery?" (Justified, S04E06)
  • Michael Voltaggio (Suburgatory, S02E12)
  • "For your 15th course, we present a pork belly and veal tongue hash finished with shards of microbeak in a freshly lambed foam."
    "Lambed? That's a verb? Lambed? To lamb? Who lambed it?"
    "I did. I lambed it this morning."
    "It was an honour to watch you lamb it." (Suburgatory, S02E12)
  • "We call that the 'German House Music' right there." (Workaholics, S03E15)
  • "Chris Broussard is what Nick Kroll's interpretation of an ESPN reporter would be."
  • Ring girl (Community, S04E02)
  • "Why does he have so many collars? [gasp] Secret dogs!" (Community, S04E02)
  • "First, we do the written exam, and then we do the personality evaluation, which I feel like I'm gonna nail, 'cause people always say, 'Buttttt he's got a great personality.' Okay, quiz me."
    "Okay, what does it mean when an officer calls in a 3542?"
    "Assault and battery. The way I remember that, I picture 35 a-salt shakers and 42 batteries."
    "Great. What is the criminal code for arson?"
    "Arson is 533. You know how I remember that? I picture 533 salt shakers and batteries lighting a building on fire." (Parks and Recreation, S05E13)
  • "This is a nightmare! Wait, maybe this is a nightmare. [pause] Nope. Can't fly away. This is real life." (Parks and Recreation, S05E13)
  • "Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless." (Parks and Recreation, S05E13)
  • "This was bad – Fort Wayne bad." (Parks and Recreation, S05E13)
  • "We got Trent Edwards on the line." (The Office, S09E16)
  • Hannah Horvath vs. Andy Bernard in an unendearing-off (The Office, S09E16)
  • "Coming this May: The Office: An American Workplace." (The Office, S09E16)
  • "We are endgame." (Glee, S04E14)
  • Rachel was impregnated by a gigolo (Glee, S04E14)
  • "What happened to your idiot voice mail?"
    "Oh. I'm doing this new thing where now it just rings." (Archer, S04E05)

(Archer, S04E05)

  • "Suxy Sux." (Portlandia, S03E09)


Our kisses taste like alcohol, you know that means it's love

Rory: i've never heard of this frank mcklusky film
Steven: it's like ace ventura

Surely they could've found a better third film, and one from 1994 like the other two.

Wikipedia » Notable films released in 1994:

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Exit to Eden
Serial Mom

All fine options.

Shirty Business

Art Piece Idea: Imagine the Internet as a newspaper. Create and print a copy of that newspaper.

The front page story is spread across 22 pages.

All the columnists begin columns with "Hey guys." "Sorry I haven't written in a while…"

A "Dear Yahoo!" advice column.

Letters to the editor: "Your gay," "This has been flagged as spam."

Man-on-the-stweet answers to a hashtag. #MajorTurnOffs

A comics page composed of webcomics, rage comics, 4panes, macros.

Craigslist classifieds.

Television torrent listings.

Blank spaces/pages where ads were blocked.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

6. Food Poisoning (Parks and Recreation, S05E12)

Stray Observations

Brock Lesnar shoot-hits Miz with a chair (WWE Raw, 02-04-13)

  • "I will Cal-cutt-a bitch up in here." (New Girl, S02E16)
  • "Is there another doctor in the house? With this crowd, I'm sure…" (New Girl, S02E16)
  • "I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone!" (New Girl, S02E16)
  • "I'm a squirrel. You're my nut. Winter's coming. I'm gonna store you in my cheek, girl." (New Girl, S02E16)
  • "Whole world's a tree, Raylan. I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut." (Justified, S04E05)
  • "What precipitated the change in your weather vane?" (Justified, S04E05)

Autumn's comically terrible gummy bear (Face Off, S04E04)

  • On the list of 'Things that shouldn't be encouraged with sitcom shout-outs,' The Cancellation Bear is high" (Suburgatory, S02E11)
  • "I'm all about banging clits, sucking tits, and taking shits." (Workaholics, S03E14)
  • "No fear, I like that. I also like the clothing company. I have a shirt. I'll give it to you. 'Second place, first loser.'"
    "Strong shirt…" (Workaholics, S03E14)
  • Same ending as Archer, S04E02 (Workaholics, S03E14)
  • "Community: Google Translate Edition" (Community, S04E01)
  • "If you're looking to buy some weed, I'm looking as well." (Parks and Recreation, S05E12)
  • Cheryl's human centipede paper chain (Archer, S04E04)
  • Over 75% of this episode is ripped word for word from Jim Jefferies' stand-up (Legit, S01E04)
  • "Mommy, what's a 'can't'?" (Legit, S01E04)
  • "The Irish were scurvy rich and trinket poor." (Newsreaders, S01E04)
  • "Boston: It's too cold in the winter, too humid in the summer, and too Irish all year round." (Newsreaders, S01E04)
  • Leo Fitzpatrick, who played a probie on Sons of Anarchy, plays the leader of a biker gang (Banshee, S01E05)
  • An Echo Kellum impersonation? (Saturday Night Live, S38E13)



Previously on Adam Riff™:

My mother sent me an e-mail regarding Chinese New Year's Day.

On January 28th, from 11 P.M. onwards to Jan 29, 11 P.M., there are certain restrictions that should be observed, to ensure good luck and prosperity in the new year.

You should not eat crab, yams, mustard greens, daikon, grapes which includes wine, pumpkin seeds, duck eggs. However, you should eat dragoneye fruits, green apples, oranges, white sesame seeds, and bananas.

You should not wear these colors: tops should not be green, black or pink. Skirts or pants should not be yellow or grey. You should wear these colors: orange or red tops, and brown or blue pants or skirts.

It's that time again. In advance of the advent of the Year of the Snake on Sunday, my mother e-mailed me:


From 23:00 on 2-9-13 to 23:00 on 2-10-13, please note:

Don't wear a white top or purple pants.

Do wear a light blue top and black pants.

Don't eat pork, shellfish, red beans, black rice, cucumbers, asparagus, bamboo shoots, honeydews, mangoes, watermelons, papayas, or pineapples.

Do eat oranges, Chinese cabbage, tofu, oatmeal, eel, beef, and green onions.

Raise Plow

Okay, which New Edition, and which Jacksons?

For screenplays, the word "and" designates that the writers wrote separately and an ampersand ("&") denotes a writing team. So…R. Kelly stands in for Bobby Brown?

Obviously, the best case scenario is R. Kelly, Bobby Brown, and Jermaine Jackson sharing a stage.

My favourite part of this Voice ad is when Usher tunes the radio to a ska station and digs the song that's playing.

A third Cake Boss show?

Cake Boss is TLC's Seth MacFarlane.

So now reality television will be rescuing:
Tattoo Parlours
Car Dealerships

Reality Show Idea: Public School Impossible with Michelle Rhee.

Philadelphia has some odd public art – a giant yellow macaroni noodle, a giant yellow Sorry! pawn, a Rocky statue, a limited edition Clooney Batman statue…

Bottom line……willing to pay someone to fix the statue as it is a BIG part of my business.