In silence, I'd kill him with punches

2001 Grammy Awards:

Album of the Year
Midnite Vultures – Beck
Two Against Nature – Steely Dan
The Marshall Mathers LP – Eminem
Kid A – Radiohead
You're the One – Paul Simon

Steely Dan's win still boggles my noggin. How do you look at that list and check Steely Dan?

Rory: Steely Dan is like new Thrice.

Notre Dame = Steely Dan
Alabama = Eminem
Georgia = Radiohead

1995 Academy Awards:

Best Picture
Forrest Gump
Four Weddings and a Funeral
Pulp Fiction
Quiz Show
The Shawshank Redemption

Forrest Gump at least impacted culture somewhat. As of 2012, 36 Bubba Gump Shrimp Company restaurants operate worldwide. Also, the Frank Ocean song.

The Marshall Mathers LP = Pulp Fiction
Kid A = The Shawshank Redemption
Midnite Vultures = Four Weddings and a Funeral
You're the One = Quiz Show

The redhead said you shred the cello

Tootsie Roll-flavoured beer at Cervecería de MateVeza in San Francisco

"I don't think I would have been able to get this CEO job if I hadn't shaved my head," says Adams. Adams has supplemented his makeover by trading in his button-down shirts for T-shirts, making sure he owns the latest gadgets, and getting an eyelid lift.

For her first interview at Facebook, Sally Sadosky headed to a boutique popular with women 20 years her junior for advice on "something to look hip" and "blend in." She ditched her tailored pants and blouses for a dress, tights, and biker boots. She then got second and third interviews and had to come up with more hipster outfits. "I was beginning to sweat," she recalls.

TLC Show Idea: Extreme Job Seekers.

Video Supercut Idea: References to The Wire on other television shows. I can think of at least 10. In the past 10 days alone: Fresh Meat and How I Met Your Mother.

Idea: A found audio podcast, like a found footage film, but a series of audio recordings.

Idea: Cable providers subsidize channel packages like smartphones. You can order the Viacom package (MTV, MTV2, BET, CMT, Comedy Central, Logo, Nickelodeon, Spike, TeenNick, VH1) for $10/month with a two year contract, or you can order Viacom channels à la carte for $3/month each.

Just want MTV and BET? $6/month, no early termination fee.

Nights forgotten and left for dead

The taxi driver who drove me from the airport to my home didn't ask me about Mal. Time had erased me a little, rubbed me out. I had faded like a photograph buried under soil. I was tanned and older, weathered and experienced and fat. I was what we all become, a by-product of the torture of ourselves. [224]

I just finished reading Bed by David Whitehouse, a novel about two brothers, one of whom, disillusioned by adulthood, goes to bed on his 25th birthday and never leaves. I dug its modest exploration of disappointment and purpose – preoccupations of mine.

Mal hadn't moved for so long that his skin had begun to merge with the linen on the bed. Parts of his back were cloth. All that weight over all those years had welded the two together and made something new. Pressure plus time, just as the earth makes coal. [46]

I am pretty sure that Whitehouse exhausts all possible ways to describe morbid obesity.

File under: Tweets I stumbled upon while searching for a GIF of John Cena's terrible kissing.

Pizza Hut is like Daryl Palumbo?

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (September)
I Heart Huckabees (October)
Alfie (November)
The Aviator (December)

In 2013, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson will achieve a rare "Jude Law":

Snitch (February 22)
G.I. Joe: Retaliation (March 29)
Pain and Gain (April 26)
The Fast and the Furious 6 (May 24)


No release date yet for Empire State (late June?).

The Rock will also headline WWE's Royal Rumble event in (late) January and WrestleMania XXIX on April 7, and appear on select Monday night Raws.

The Rock is like Little Caesars – Hot-N-Ready.

Predatory Glow

// Starbucks Coffee

Pepe: Why is your iPhone in a Ziploc bag?
Jon: To protect the screen.
Pepe: [pause]
Jon: It doubles as a case.

Pepe: At least use a snack-size bag.

// CVS Pharmacy

Cherry ChapStick, Cherry ChapStick… Cherry ChapStick!

$1.99. Hmm… I feel like I could get it for less at Safeway. But I don't want to stop at Safeway.

Oh. Blistex Complete Moisture is 2 for $3.00, and each bundled with a bonus ¾-size stick.

But the last time I used Blistex Complete Moisture, it destroyed my lips – contact dermatitis, angular cheilitis.

But I used Blistex Complete Moisture exclusively and regularly for seven years without incident. That could've just been an aberration.

$1.99 for one, $1.50 for one point seven five…

One day later:

// Dentist Cousin's Office

Jon: I know, I know. My mouth looks gross. It's just petroleum jelly.
Gladys: I see. So what's up?
Jon: Can I get some universal barrier film for my iPhone screen?

Jon: Do you have any clear film? Or just blue?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

47. Ow! My Balls! (Killer Karaoke, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • And then there were no original cast members. (Misfits, S04E04)
  • "No profanity" in the prison yard. (The Walking Dead, S03E06)
  • "I ain't gotta spell 'em, just pay for 'em." (Boardwalk Empire, S03E10)

Punk mocks Austin. (WWE Raw, 11-19-12)

  • "It's the same thing!"
    "Oh really? Is there another guy in Twilight that there's a little bit of a love triangle with?"
    "Does Twilight have a wolf in it?"
    "It does?"
    "Is Twilight in Seattle?"
    "Well, then whoever wrote that is smart." (New Girl, S02E08)
  • "Why don't you throw your hands where my eyes can see?" (Happy Endings, S03E04)
  • "I am rapturous!" (Sons of Anarchy, S05E11)
  • "Baby needs colostrum." (American Horror Story, S02E06)
  • Blind ho. (Trapped in the Closet: Part Three)
  • "I know you're pressing the elevator."
    "Yeah, and?"
    "And we on the first floor."
    "Well, I'll just take the stairs."
    "That would be the basement." (Trapped in the Closet: Part Three)
  • "Does Chuck have AIDS?" (Trapped in the Closet: Part Three)
  • "It's En Vogue, with a new lead singer." (Trapped in the Closet: Part Three)
  • "Then Twan and Sylvester, they walk in, and then they make a left, and then a right, and down stairs, and keep straight, then they make another left, and another left, then up the stairs, third floor, elevator, and through some doors." (Trapped in the Closet: Part Three)


1 down and 3.6 tomorrow

The guests on last Sunday's episode of Talking Dead, AMC's Walking Dead after-show, were Joel Madden (of Good Charlotte) and Sarah Silverman. I hear they were terrible.

The guests on this Sunday's episode of Talking Dead will be WWE champion CM Punk and Yvette Nicole Brown (Shirley on Community).

Fanboys be damned. Such gonzo booking should be the norm.

Yes, Nikki Sixx and…Crystal Bernard.

Are there things that Adult Swim wouldn't let you put on television?
I wanted to shit so hard that my organs fall out of my anus. Their note was, "He can shit so hard that organs fall out of his anus, but he can't make it look like he's intentionally doing it." That was their only problem. I guess they don't want kids to shit so hard that their organs fall out. We couldn't figure out — without getting a close up of my asshole — how to visually sell that, so we ditched the bit. Like, organs are a dark red/purple color so they're not that bright. And then are they going to be dropping? It's just going to look like large amounts of poop. How do we sell that?

Are there any things your wanted to get on the air this year that you couldn't?
We wanted a bit with Andrew "Dice" Clay called Andrew "Nice" Clay. He's a feminist and he just spouts out feminist theory and stuff like that. "There was an old lady who lived in a shoe. She didn't have any kids because abortion is a personal choice, not a state matter…Oh!"

Toby on Degrassi: The Next Generation is now a professional sports blogger?

And Craig is playing Spider-Man on Broadway?


Shane Kippel
Independent Music Professional
Toronto, Canada Area

Because of course he is.

A rare Tina solo on next week's Glee and it's fuckin' "Gangnam Style," presumably because Jenna Ushkowitz is genetically Korean.


Bad phonetic Korean is bad.

Die Now, Pay Later


Alter Bridge is my favorite band in the world.

The band's name was the idea of lead guitarist and founder Mark Tremonti. Mark was the guitarist for the band Creed.

Mark grew up in Grosse Pointe, a very comfortable suburb of Detroit. His cozy neighborhood was separated from the adjacent Detroit proper by Alter Road. The parents in Grosse Pointe didn't want their kids crossing over into the more rugged streets of Detroit city, so Mark and his friends weren't allowed to cross the bridge at Alter Road.

When Creed ended, Mark had a choice. He could easily sit back and live off what he'd already done, or he could start over and see what existed out there beyond the bubble of comfort and success he had known in Creed.

In his life, Mark crossed the Alter Bridge.

The Bruins have a similar proposition in front of them.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

46. Puff Daddy plays New Kids on the Block's "The Right Stuff" on a bass guitar (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S08E06)

Honourable Mention

  • Long, unbroken take between the Nazi hunter and Sister Jude, during which the camera roves about his room. (American Horror Story, S02E05)
  • "I'll show you what 50 feet is." (The League, S04E06)

Stray Observations

(Boardwalk Empire, S03E09)

  • "I'm basically honorary nasty." (Adventure Time, S05E01a)
  • "Amy Schumer says 'hello.'" (WWE Raw, 11-12-12)
  • "You got more bagels? What is this, Yom Kippur?" (Ben and Kate, S01E07)
  • "I could cry right now."
    "Go on. Cry. Cry right now."
    "Fine. Okay, the death of jazz, Iron Giant, the possibility of Iron Giant II…" (Ben and Kate, S01E07)
  • Nat Faxon is distractingly toothy. Skylines in his mouth. (Ben and Kate, S01E07)
  • "Looks like the word 'obey' should be pasted under his head." (Sons of Anarchy, S05E10)
  • "He's the T.I. of green beans." (Suburgatory, S02E05)
  • Aww… Ryan. (Suburgatory, S02E05)

1. Nipples, 2. Skull. (American Horror Story, S02E05)

  • "Get me a black coffee, by which I mean a Sunkist." (30 Rock, S07E06)
  • "A game is the foot." (Parks and Recreation, S05E07)
  • "Breakfast food can serve many purposes." (Parks and Recreation, S05E07)
  • "When was the last time you've been to Haiti?"
    "Never. I've never been to—I've been to Kensington…" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S08E06)
  • "We're working out with jizz, holmes." (The League, S04E06)
  • Jeremy Renner can sing. (Saturday Night Live, S38E08)


Live Stream: Skyfall

A drama about fracking? [groans] Which producer was Matt Damon indebted to?

Directed by Gus Van Sant?!

Oh. Matt Damon wrote the screenplay with John Krasinski. THIS IS A VANITY PROJECT?!

Wikipedia: "based on a story by Dave Eggers."


Underwhelming car overturn. When Bond's car flipped itself upright in that Brosnan flick with the ice palace – that was cool.

Seems like wearing a suit in the field would retard movement.

This opening act could be anything. I picture Broccolini consulting a wheel. "Motorbikes and…rooftops. [spins wheel] Backhoe. [spins wheel] Backhoe and…train."

Bond falls to his apparent death off a moving train into a river = Bucky in Captain America: The First Avenger. What if he returned as Winter Soldier – a re-programmed Bond? A Bond film in which Bond is the villain.

Ralph Fiennes got fat.

Heineken product placement.

Shanghai = Chinese knock-off of Enter the Void.

I'm not surprised that this office is vacant. #KennyRogersRoastersSign

Chekhov's komodo dragon – ah so… Seems like housing man-eating reptiles in a floating casino would be a safety hazard. Oh, but it's Macau.

This island = Limbo in Inception.

No, Silva = Ozymandias in Watchmen, and this island = Karnak.

Waste of a Bond girl. Silva = The Rainmaker. Daniel Craig travels 30 years back in time, where he is pursued by Roger Moore.

Silva = The Joker in The Dark Knight.

More Heineken product placement.

2012: Year of the film villains in sewers.

Even more Heineken product placement.

Skyfall = Wayne Manor by way of Straw Dogs.

Couldn't Q have whipped up some booby traps for the house? He had time…

…as did Bond to procure and plant land mines.

The Die Hard 5 trailer beforehand was more exciting than any action in this film.

Feels like the budget was slashed, forcing producers to scrap some location shoots and change the final act. This final act is a bottle episode.

IMDb Trivia:

The film was originally going to shoot in six countries but budget cutbacks resulted in the picture predominantly being filmed in the UK.

Heineken product placement financed $45 million (approximately a third to a fourth) of Skyfall's budget. Next film, more Heineken! Bond drinks from a DraughtKeg.

Silva states that he was M's favourite agent between 1988 and 1996. It was during this period that the film franchise took its longest sabbatical, between License to Kill and GoldenEye.

This ending = Oldboy (feat. James Bond).

Bond and Silva didn't physically fight at all. In fact, Silva didn't physically attack anyone.

Chekhov's homosexuality.

James Bond will return in: Please Kill Responsibly. Heineken imagery in the opening credits, a femme fatale named Amber Ale…

The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb

Black Thursday
In recent years, retailers have been trending towards opening on Thanksgiving evening. In 2012, Walmart, Sears, and Kmart will begin Black Friday sales [Thursday] at 8pm, while Target and Toys "R" Us will open at 9pm.

By the time I die, Black Friday will stretch a whole week, like a girl's birthday.

As my family's Thanksgiving gathering this year will be nuclear, I'm trying to convince my mother to just serve a family-style Thanksgiving poutine – sweet potato fries topped with dark turkey meat, turkey gravy, cheese curds, cornbread stuffing, cranberry sauce, and smashed pumpkin pie. I'm still tinkering with the recipe. Including mashed potatoes seems like overkill.

While researching Thanksgiving poutines, I stumbled upon a poutine food truck in Los Angeles that offers poutine sliders:

two mini all beef burgers topped with hand-cut fries, fresh cheese curds, and your choice of gravy, on King's Hawaiian® sweet rolls

Open a restaurant that serves thanksgiving-themed food on troughs on a rotating conveyor belt that winds through the dining area and moves past every table. Armed with ice-cream scoopers, customers ladle up food that they like as it passes by. It's like a Japanese sushi-go-round but with stuffing, mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce.

To dreeeeam the impossible dreeeeam…

This is my queeeest! To follow that staaaar!

Stay Out of the Basement

"I'll tell you this: as for the top four ideas of all time, Jews are four for four. Jesus, Marx, Freud, Einstein. And that's why I converted." [114]

I just finished reading Busy Monsters by William Giraldi. It's a fair to middling picaresque elevated by Giraldi's linguistic dexterity.

Baffled, I dipped pita bread into my hubris and then declared that hummus was the fatal flaw that got Agamemnon stabbed in his bathtub. [38]

Groot had sense enough to leave me be, not offer aspartame platitudes. [248]

This photo of Chris Hardwick…

I know he founded the Nerdist empire, but…a sheet of paper with pi on it? He's thinking, "This is fuckin' stupid."

I run hot and cold on Chris Hardwick. Solo — introducing Nerdist podcasts, announcing Walking Dead hashtags — he is excruciating to me.

It tickles me that Chandler Riggs (Carl on The Walking Dead) operates Minecraft and DayZ servers and uploads videos of him playing zombie video games to YouTube, including, yes, Telltale's Walking Dead game.

Welcome to Dead House

T minus 13 days until…

Eight-year-old Finn is terrified to learn his family is relocating from sunny California to Maine, and the scariest house he has ever seen! Convinced that his new house is haunted, Finn sets up a series of elaborate traps to catch the "ghost" in action. Finn's traps catch a new target – a group of thieves.

1. Home Alone is now a 22-year-old film franchise.

2. Malcolm McDowell plays the lead thief in Home Alone 5, stepping into the shoes of French Stewart. Finn's traps catch a group of droogs? (if only)

3. How humiliating to be thwarted by traps set for a "ghost."

4. My Home Alone 5: "Finn's traps catch a new target – his parents, returning home early from a Christmas party."

5. The premiere of Home Alone 5 will be preceded by Home Alone 4 and Home Alone. Disney can afford to acquire Lucasfilm, but not the broadcast rights to Home Alone 2 and Home Alone 3?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

45. Iron Man Hulk Smash (Boardwalk Empire, S03E08)

Embedding disabled by request

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "I can survive, I think. I've got 36 yoghurts." (Friday Night Dinner, S02E05)
  • "Men are from Mars, and women love penis." (Misfits, S04E02)
  • "If you think about it, any box could have vibrators in it." (Bob's Burgers, S03E03)
  • "I just want you to be my gangster." (Boardwalk Empire, S03E08)
  • Negro gets uppity and promptly dies. (The Walking Dead, S03E04)
  • Poor Carl. The first vagina he sees after hitting puberty is his mother's. (The Walking Dead, S03E04)
  • Fienberg: "Andrew Lincoln did some fine 'what's in the box?' acting. If you could juxtapose that with Brad Pitt's performance in the last scene of Se7en, I think you would discover that almost beat for beat, he carefully emulated Brad Pitt's performance."
    On The Walking Dead, Sarah Wayne Callies plays Andrew Lincoln's wife. On Prison Break, Callies' character's head ends up in a box. (The Walking Dead, S03E04)
  • "In Legally Blonde, Elle won her case because she was true to herself and dressed cute."
    "Haley, this is real life, not an excellent movie." (Modern Family, S04E07)
  • "The kugel is a gateway kugel." (Suburgatory, S02E04)
  • "Oh, hell yes! Asians!" (South Park, S16E14)
  • Dr. Hans Gruper. (American Horror Story, S02E04)
  • "Try to focus on his genitals." (American Horror Story, S02E04)
  • Dr. Hans Gruper vs. Anne Frank. (American Horror Story, S02E04)
  • "I was never in Auschwitz. I'm from Scottsdale!" (American Horror Story, S02E04)
  • "I just started singing, and it just started coming out of me, and, it felt awesome – like a really good poop!" (Glee, S04E05)
  • "[La Salle] sounds like a pasta dish." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S08E05)
  • "I'm outta here."
    "Car's in the back, Ruxin."
    "Oh, shit on a bum!"
    "Just kidding. It's in the front."
    "Oh, bum shits on me!" (The League, S04E05)
  • "‏@Hoya2aPacer: Peter is def the first observer! I'm calling it now!"
    Roy Hibbert is a Fringe fan.