Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

39. Doll Repair (Louie, S03E13)

Honourable Mention

  • When Daniel Met Kane (WWE Raw, 09-24-12)
  • Mary Magdalene's Pimp (Key and Peele, S02E01)
  • Captain's Monologue (Last Resort, S01E01)

Stray Observations

WWE Raw, 09-24-12

  • "Hi. I got laid off."
    "What happened?"
    "Obama!" New Girl, S02E01)
  • Draw attention to your mouth constantly (Ben and Kate, S01E01)
  • Shirt stuck to sweater (Ben and Kate, S01E01)
  • Cricket the Leaper (New Girl, S02E02)
  • "Maybe I'll do one of those 'eat, pray, love' things. Ugh, no, I don't want to pray. Forget it. I'll just die alone." (The Mindy Project, S01E01)
  • "Who said that? All I see is teeth." (Sons of Anarchy, S05E03)
  • S.O.A. – "Everybody Hurst" (Sons of Anarchy, S05E03)
  • "Hey Phil, you ever think about growing a beard? You would look good. Sort of a Jon Hamm in between projects." (Modern Family, S04E01)
  • "Nice job, CeeLo. Good to see you on TV some more."
    "Yeah, I'm a big fan of all your hit song." (South Park, S16E01)
  • "War little kids drinking semen to finally bring back real football." (South Park, S16E01)

South Park, S16E01

Key and Peele, S02E01

  • "I guess he thought I'd be into The Godfather because I'm black. WRONG! I'm into The Godfather 'cause I'm a cinephile. I like Scarface 'cause I'm black." (The Office, S09E02)
  • What Does Ryan Murphy Have Against Treme? (The New Normal, S01E04 / Glee, S04E03)
  • "Go donate some body parts. I hear they're looking for assholes." (Strike Back, S03E08)
  • "It's the scary Morrissey." (The Thick of It, S04E04)


Murder For Pizza

Pepe: Hey, can you fly out to New York City this weekend? I need a flat-sitter.

Jon: This weekend? [grumbles] I just returned from two weeks in Vegas and leave for Detroit and Chicago in two weeks.

Pepe: What's in Detroit?

Jon: A wedding.

Pepe: And what's in Chicago?

Jon: Italian beef sandwiches.

Pepe: You can fly from New York City to Detroit. I'll have my travel coordinator adjust your ticket.

Jon: If necessary, could you mail my driver's license to New York City?

B: What?

Jon: My current driver's license expires on my birthday, and my new one may not arrive before I depart. Without valid identification, I could be stranded in New York City.

Jon: New York City to Detroit with a layover in Miami? That's the best flight she could find?!

If you can't draw a crowd, draw dicks on the wall

What should I watch today:

Runway Cop or…

The Mommy Returns?

She may just be spending daddy's money, but Megan Ellison, the 26-year-old daughter of Oracle CEO Larry Ellison, is a welcome player in the film industry.

Her production company financed or is financing:

The Master (Paul Thomas Anderson)
Killing Them Softly (Andrew Dominik)
Zero Dark Thirty (Kathryn Bigelow)
The Grandmasters (Wong Kar-Wai)
Her (Spike Jonze)
Foxcatcher (Bennett Miller)
Untitled Abscam Project (David O. Russell)

That's five Academy Award-nominated directors plus two cult ones.

She also acquired the rights to the Terminator franchise.

If you ever see yourself coming out of a time machine, run. [19]

Chronological living is a kind of lie. Existence doesn't have more meaning in one direction than it does in any other. Most people I know live their lives moving in a constant forward direction, the whole time looking backward. [22]

I just finished reading How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe by Charles Yu. It's a heady time travel novel that I'm not sure I like, but am glad I read. It was a welcome respite from the flippant ecosystem in which I reside.

My father is, was, has always been a sad man. Sadness was the driver, the motor of his invention, the engine of his creativity. The sadness was generational, accumulated like heavy elements in us, like we were large sea life, enormous ocean fish, swimming silent, collecting the sadness and moving through the deep with it, never stopping, always increasing the quantity in our bodies, always moving forward, never fully sleeping, eaters of sadness. Bite by bite, meal by meal, becoming made of sadness. Passed down like an inheritance, a negative inheritance, a long line of poor, clever men, growing, over time, slightly less poor, and slightly more clever, but never wise. [194]

I noticed, on most nights, his jaw clenched at dinner, the way he closed his eyes slowly when my mother asked him about work, watched him stifle his own ambition, seeming to physically shrink with each professional defeat, watched him choke it down, with each year finding new and deep places to hide it all within himself, observed his absorption of tiny, daily frustrations that, over time (that one true damage-causing substance), accumulated into a reservoir of subterranean failure, like oil shale, like a volatile substance trapped in rock, a vast quantity of potential energy locked in to an inert substrate, unmoving and silent at the present moment but in actuality building pressure and growing more combustive with each passing year. [35]


Previously on Adam Riff™:

GH: We shot this mockumentary thing about — because everybody used to joke that Rob looked like Haley Joel Osment — Rob playing Haley Joel Osment in his twenties, years later, and Charlie played Frankie Muniz years later.

What is Frankie Muniz doing that's so important that they had to resort to using Candace Cameron?

Bad Scene, Everyone's Fault

Picnic on a Stick – Pieces of delicious spicy fried chicken alternate tater tots and slices of dill pickle. Repeated three times on a stick then dipped in batter, rolled in bread crumbs, and fried until golden brown, this picnic wouldn't be complete without its choice of BBQ sauce, ranch, or honey mustard.

Fried Samoas – A Samoa wrapped in a wonton skin and fried, then drizzled with chocolate, caramel, and coconut.

Fried Sugar – Sweet sugar cubes are dipped in pancake batter, then popped in the fryer until golden brown. Topped with creamy caramel sauce.

Idea: Put "people love us on Yelp" stickers on homeless people's signs.

Rory: It can't possibly be "faggy."
Jon: "Faggay"? Like "Timmay."

Jon: "Faj," "vaj." "Fa-jay," "va-jay." Alotta Fage.
Rory: According to Wikipedia, it's pronounced fa-yeh. The G is a Y.
Jon: Why not brand it in America then as Faye?
Rory: "Fey" yogurt may as well be "faggy" yogurt.

Jon: Jon Gu.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

38. The Turtle (The Office, S09E01)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "And you, you smug kike midget, creeping around like a fuckin' dentist with the ether." (Boardwalk Empire, S03E01)
  • Doug's son and Rilo Kiley's "With Arms Outstretched" – full circle, back to the pilot (Weeds, S08E12)
  • "Is Flame Princess evil, or maybe chaotic neutral?" (Adventure Time, S04E11b)
  • "I am the tag team champions!" (WWE Raw, 09-17-12)
  • Jeff Kent, of Huntington Beach and UC Berkeley, allying with a "fellow Southerner" (Survivor, S25E01)
  • All the Fox and Friends corrections (Saturday Night Live: Weekend Update Thursday, 09-20-12)
  • "It's 120 degrees out with 200 percent humidity, 'cause this is a stupid swamp town." (Parks and Recreation, S05E01)
  • "That's what makes you…an amalgam." (Parks and Recreation, S05E01)
  • "You're just a…pen-cil pe-nis paraaade!" (Louie, S03E12)
  • Childrens Hospital UK is better in theory (Childrens Hospital, S04E07)
  • Sinclair! (Strike Back, S03E07)
  • This episode went full 24 (Strike Back, S03E07)


Friday was Pizza Day, the best day of the week

Previously on Adam Riff™:
A USB symbol-shaped floater in my right eye has been irritating the feck out of me. I wish I could just rip it out, along with the solar lentigines on my left cheek and ear.

Jon: For you, the hole puncher I borrowed.

B: You smell like peanut butter.

Jon: Oh. Heh. I renewed my driver's license today, and didn't want the irritating specks on my left check and ear to appear in the photo.

B: So you covered them with peanut butter?

Jon: Dots punched out of Band-Aids only made them more conspicuous.

B: [pause]

I hate paying the same price for an induction cut that other men pay for fancier haircuts. Men's haircuts should be priced like cab rides. $5 initial price + $0.75 per minute.

Jon: This foundation is too light. I look like I have vitiligo.

B: I'll mix in some Hershey's Syrup.

Noise State

So who's eligible for a "Best Original Song" Oscar next February?

Badly Drawn Boy – Being Flynn
Taylor Swift, Arcade Fire – The Hunger Games
Mike Shinoda (Linkin Park) – The Raid: Redemption
Soundgarden – The Avengers
Mumford and Sons – Brave
R. Kelly – Sparkle
Bassnectar and Chino Moreno (Deftones) – Resident Evil: Retribution
Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age) – End of Watch
Mariah Carey – The Paperboy
The Black Keys, Kanye West, Wu-Tang Clan, Talib Kweli, Freddie Gibbs – The Man with the Iron Fists
Skrillex, Owl City – Wreck-It Ralph

Coming Attractions

FDR: American Badass (2012)
After contracting polio from a venomous werewolf bite, FDR ends WWII by exacting revenge on an army of Nazi-werewolves with the help of a team of historic figures.

"Deal…or New Deal?"


According to IMDb, Kevin Sorbo plays Abraham Lincoln.


Midnight City

All told, the world's airlines spend $7 billion-8 billion a year taxiing between passenger gates and the runway. [source]

Back from Vegas. Next: Detroit/Chicago.

While in Vegas, I finished reading Bad Monkeys by Matt Ruff, the climax of which is set in Vegas, and partly in the hotel I was staying at. Of the four Ruff novels I've read this year (working my way through his oeuvre), Bad Monkeys is the singular dud.

The Phallazzo

Can Disney sue? I don't think the genie in the folk story is blue.

I've also seen knock-off Wheel of Fortune slot machines.

When you insert money into the Dark Knight-themed slot machine, it should play a clip of The Joker setting a mountain of cash on fire.

Whoever conceived the Airplane!-themed slot machine deserves a raise. I didn't expect to see an Amazing Race-themed slot machine either.

Odd name for a Chinese-themed slot machine… OH! Heh.

Chinese-themed slot machines probably account for half of all (culturally reductive, borderline offensive) ethnic-themed slot machines. Today alone I noted:

Tiger Garden
Lion Dance
Lion Festival
Moon Festival
China Moon
China Emerald
China Mystery
China Shores
Chinese Phoenix
Phoenix Empress
Golden Emperor
The Last Emperor
Imperial House
House of Fortune
Best Fortune
Fortune Firecracker
Mr. Luck Fortune Cookie
Far East Fortunes
Eastern Sun
Beijing Treasures
Bamboo Panda
Giant Panda
Wild Panda
Three Pandas
100 Pandas
Panda's Jade
Triple Double Jade
The Jade Monkey
Bruce Lee
Dragon Crystal
Dragon Emperor
Dragon Fire
Dragon Lines
Dragon's Temple
5 Dragons
50 Dragons
Ancient Dragon
Rainbow Dragon
Shen Long (Spirit Dragon)
Blazing Dragons
Forbidden Dragons
Mystical Dragons
Water Dragons
Game of Dragons
King of Dragons
Wu Xing (Five Elements)
5 Bats
Lucky 88
1421: Voyages of Zheng He
Choy Sun Doa (Aristocrat)
Legend of the Qin Dynasty
Dynasty of Gold
Golden Blossom
Mystical Lotus
Lotus Flower
Great Wall

I'd like to sit in on pitch meetings for ethnic-themed slot machines.

If these are polished themes, what were the raw ideas? What was rejected?

Phallus Station

"Where are you headed?"

Do I have to tell you? You just open and close taxi doors.

"The, uhhh, Erotic Heritage Museum."

[to taxi driver] "Erotic Heritage Museum!"

The anti-gravity Landspeeder from Axel Braun's blockbuster movie Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody, along with a sexy female Storm Trooper and Sand Person, has landed in a prime location at The Erotic Heritage Museum (EHM) in Las Vegas. [source]

Of all the derelict, off-Strip real estate I've seen, the Liberace Museum strip mall is the saddest.

This is a Ferris wheel too?

Two Ferris wheels are currently being constructed on the Strip. Two Ferris wheels two miles apart.

Ferris Wheel Idea: Cercle du Soleil by Cirque du Soleil.

"Where are you headed?"

"Heh. Vegas Stripper University."


"It may be called 'Las Vegas Stripper Poles.'"

Woof. Should've have consumed that chocolate shake with Makers Mark 46, peanut butter, banana, walnut liqueur, and maple bacon sprinkles before a Maryland crab feast lunch.

I don't wish foodie-ism on anyone who likes to travel. If I never have to try a restaurant's signature fried chicken again…

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

37. Late Show with David Lynch (Louie, S03E11)

Honourable Mention

  • Andy and Nancy at the spot of Judah’s death (Weeds, S08E11)
  • Jerry Lawler collapses during a match on live television (WWE Raw, 09-10-12)
  • Pope burns Tig's daughter alive in front of him (Sons of Anarchy, S05E01)
  • Guess Whose Breath (Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, S01E08)
  • Ryan Lochte (Saturday Night Live, S38E01)

Stray Observations

  • "What's that film that you love?"
    "What film?"
    "The one about the fuckin' hairdresser, the space hairdresser and the cowboy."
    "The guy, he's got a tin-foiled pal and a pedal bin."
    "His father's a robot and he's fuckin' fucked his sister!"
    "Lego! They're all made of fuckin' lego."
    "Star Wars."
    "That's the one." (The Thick of It, S04E02)
  • Conrad! Megan! Guillermo! (Weeds, S08E11)
  • Houseguests, Olympic gymnasts awkwardly meet, pretend they know each other (Big Brother, S14E27)
  • Spaghetti + ketchup + butter = dinner (Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, S01E08)
  • "Ohio is like a giant turd that Michigan just can't pinch off." (Glee, S04E01)
  • "Sister Christian" is ubiquitous on television lately (Glee, S04E01)
  • Emotionally eating frozen vomit (Wilfred, S02E12)
  • "True or false: The one true direction points to Mecca." (Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell, S01E05)
  • Steve Harvey Makeover (Saturday Night Live, S38E01)