Live Stream: The Dark Knight Rises

Previously on Adam Riff™: The Dark Knight Rises (Macro)

I have now seen it seven times. Fuck James Holmes.


Television is ideally 16:9 and film is ideally 4.32:3 – bizarro times.

Tommy Carcetti cameo.

1. Airplane rises

2. Bane: The fire rises

3. Bane and Pavel rise out of the fuselage [which a dome IMAX screen enhances visually]

Blake: When you and Dent cleaned up the streets, you cleaned 'em good. [cleaned 'em well]


I before E except after C…..and H.

Kyle: You don't count so good, huh? [count so well]

Thomas Lennon cameo.

4. Gordon: Now there's evil rising where we tried to bury it

Clean energy? [groan] It's like tariffs in The Phantom Menace, or a COO character on WWE programming.

5. Alfred: Sometimes a man rises from the darkness

6. Batsuit rises

This is a puny stock exchange for a city with six suspension bridges.


Evidently, Gotham City has the same day-night cycle as Hyrule.

The American stock market closes at 4:00 PM EST. Even without daylight saving time, Batman would not be pursuing Bane and his crew at night.

Could Bane have crashed the stock exchange during after-hours trading?

7. Bat-craft rises

Kyle: Where is it?
Daggett: The clean slate? The ultimate tool for a master thief with a record, where you type in someone's name and date of birth, and in a few minutes they're gone from every database on Earth?

Answer in the form of Wikipedia.

"Where is it?"
"Clean Slate? The 1994 American comedy film directed by Mick Jackson, starring Dana Carvey as a private investigator who is the key witness in a murder case?"

"What is it?"
"Tabula rasa? The epistemological theory that individuals are born without built-in mental content, and that their knowledge comes from experience and perception?"

Aircraft of the summer: The Helicarrier, Prometheus, or The Bat?


A running gag on Jimmy Kimmel Live! is [was?] running out of time and bumping Matt Damon. That's how Christopher Nolan treats Michael Caine.

The board meeting is in 35 minutes, yet Bruce has time to show Miranda the reactor beforehand.

Client: I've paid you a small fortune.
Designer: And this gives you power over me?

Idea: Swap Bane and Alfred's voices.

New York City subway stations, Los Angeles street signs, Chicago-ish license plates – disorienting.

Blake: That looks like motor oil right next to it. [odd thinking out loud]

Might want to tarp off the upper deck of your stadium, Gotham Rogues.

Blake: There's a ring around the tunnels! They're gonna blow it and trap the cops underground!
Foley: Pull 'em out. PULL 'EM OUT NOW!

30 seconds later, you see cops jogging through the tunnels.

Ben Roethlisberger cameo.

I wonder how this American national anthem and American football game plays internationally.

I like how the Rapid City players continue to try to tackle Hines Ward while the field is collapsing.


Good job! Good effort! R.I.P.

At least Ward is running away, however obliviously.

What happened to the drawbridges in Batman Begins?

Barsad reminds me of Korjenic on Sleeper Cell.

Bunny Colvin cameo.

How does this pit in India receive American television reception?

8. Gotham uprising

Where are Gotham's firefighters?

9. Bruce rises from Bane's backbreaker

#danielsunjata'swhiteteeth

10.
Bruce: What does that mean?
Prisoner: Rise.

11. Bruce rises out of the pit [which a dome IMAX screen enhances visually]

12. Batsuit rises

No one discovers the hidden Bat-craft?

Stryver stands trial in daytime and is exiled in daytime. Gordon stands trial in daytime but is not exiled until nighttime.

"Hey, it's Batman. We can forget that we're standing precariously on a frozen river now. In fact, throw a lit flare onto the ice."

Batman somehow saves Gordon and Blake simultaneously – sloppy editing.

Wear a mask to protect people you care about – we get it.

13. Cops rise from under ground

14. Talia rises out of the pit

Bane's death [third on the call sheet] is as eventful as Foley's [ninth on the call sheet].

This is awe-some. Clap clap clap-clap-clap.

The number of evacuees on the Queensboro Bridge appears to fluctuate.

Batman has a no guns policy, but he seemingly shoots and kills the driver of the truck carrying the bomb. Collateral damage?

I don't like how Talia dies. It's like someone yanked her power cord out of a socket.

Catwoman: I love you.
Batman: I know.

15. The bomb rises into the air

This ending is the same as The Avengers'.

16. Batcave platform rises

A Dark Knight Rises porn parody – too easy.

6 thoughts on "Live Stream: The Dark Knight Rises"

    • You spend 18 hours composing a post and the first comment is an anonymous "go fuck yourself" – the Internet!

  1. "Good job! Good effort! R.I.P." Lol.

    "How does this pit in India receive American television reception?" The coverage of Gotham's hostile takeover must have been a straight-to-Netflix release.

    So Bane's death sucked, Talia's death sucked… obviously there's a lot more to the movie than that, but those two events are symptomatic of the movies' problems as a whole. You still giving this one a "Good"? I used to think you were ruthless!

  2. This is a pretty dumb post. It's quite apparent you know absolutely nothing about movies at all.

    1. All of the "rises" stuff has to be thrown out of the window because that's the entire point of not just the movie but the entire trilogy. The whole "Why do we fall" bit from the first movie is now carried over in the 3rd movie and everyone who is important in the third movie is supposed to fall/rise/fall/rise. That's the point.

    Point #3 proves that you don't know the first thing at all about movies. When writers write dialogue they try to have characters talk, well….in character. If a cop who grew up in an orphanage didn't do too well in school and doesn't have a college degree, I'm sorry that it ruined this fantastic movie for you. But seeing as I am from New York, I have met a ton of cops, and regular people, who talk like that and use those sort of grammatical errors all of the time. So you're just being a nitpicking dumbass at this point.

    Clean energy has absolutely nothing to do with the film whatsoever. There is no statement or message about it whatsoever. It is simply a device used to make us understand that Bruce Wayne didn't intentionally create a bomb big enough to kill everyone in Gotham. He had good intentions and when he realized what it could do, he pulled the plug on the project.

    I will give you some credit for pointing out how it's suddenly night time when all of the police chase the Batman. I guess they were trying to just make it seem like the chase had been going on for a very long time. Although in the heart of winter, cities like Chicago and New York do get dark around 4:30-5:00 PM.

    Why does Wikipedia having different articles on something called "The clean slate" allow you to knock on it for being in TDKR? I just don't understand how that has anything to do with the movie at all…

    Bane's voice is fucking awesome. I don't get why people don't think his voice is awesome. He's just badass as shit but he's got this super rich and eloquent sounding voice. Not every bad guy needs to sound like Darth Vader or The Rock taking a huge shit.

    Blake isn't thinking out loud–he's calling his superior, Jim Gordon, on the phone, and he's speaking to his answering machine when he comes across the motor oil and dangerous chemicals. This is a really clever device by the writers to allow him to seem like he's thinking out loud, but actually have it occur in a plausible manner.

    I hated the American National Anthem scene. I actually agree with you on that one, it was dumb as fuck. They could have cut down the anthem to the famous last two lines and then just have Bane say "Let the Games begin" and then have everything resume the way it was. But having the whole national anthem in there took way too long, and it was ridiculously cheesy. That was the first time I think that I have ever strongly disliked a scene in a Christopher Nolan movie.

    Gothams' Firefighters are at home protecting their families from criminals and looters, you dumbass. They're FIRE fighters–not CRIME fighters. That's what the POLICE is supposed to do.

    The Bat-Plane is known throughout the comics to have camouflage, so nobody discovers it.

    Bane's death was pretty awesome. It didn't need the whole last-minute monologue because at this point, he is no longer the main bad guy. It was as epic as it needed to be in the sense that Catwoman came back and saved Batman's life…so, there IS "more to her than that". That's all that needs to happen. To have Bane death get any more coverage than it got is just a waste of screen time and a forcing of emotions on the audience that so many other movies tend to do, and it's just dumb and unnecessary.

    Batman doesn't have a no guns policy, he just has a no-killing policy. The truck is evidently very heavily armored, but I do sort of agree that him using rockets to take out a truck seems a bit risky if you're trying not to kill anyone inside. Maybe he just doesn't like killing anyone by his own hand kind of thing. But in the end he didn't directly kill anyone inside–so his conscious is basically clean.

    Batman and Catwoman do not love each other. I don't get why people think that. People who do think that are just being dumb. At the end of The Graduate, just because Dustin Hoffman is Jesus and rescues Elaine from her wedding doesn't mean they end up living happily ever after. They may be romantically inclined at the time–but there's nothing to suggest in TDKR that Batman and Catwoman are in love. They're merely interested at each other, and the point that Catwoman's presence has in TDKR is that for Bruce Wayne, after he meets Catwoman, he's finally able to put down the suit and move on. And Alfred, who has dedicated pretty much his entire life to Bruce Wayne, is finally rewarded for all of his hard work and efforts by seeing Bruce with Catwoman. There's nothing more to it. They don't end up married or with 5 kids and a mini van. They're just, for the time being, together. Nothing more.

    The ending has nothing to do with The Avengers at all…The Avengers ends on a bit of a cliffhanger as they introduce a new enemy and a whole new plot, but at the same time, they show that the team of mulitple superheroes has banded together and are now one, represented symbolically by the STARK simply turning into an A, the classic Avengers logo. In TDKR, characters have their arcs completed and nothing else is left. The idea that WB is setting up more movies with the introduction of Robin is preposterous at this point in time. The point of that was that John Blake becomes upset with the "shackles" of the police, as Gordon once did, and that Gotham will be fine even though Bruce Wayne is no longer Batman.

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