Crayons on walls, I'll colour on them all

The four food groups.

related: Chinese Food and Doughnuts: A California Mystery

Restaurant Concept Idea: Chinese food with donuts.

Orange chicken sandwich: A fried chicken breast between two halves of a toroidal donut that is glazed in "orange" sauce.

Fried rice donut: A spherical donut made with rice flour that is filled with assorted savoury ingredients.

Land of the Lost, Green Lantern, Battleship – Subway has terrible taste in movies.

Hornblower: Just like athletes everywhere.

Oddest summer movie tie-in: The Avengers with Land O'Frost lunch meats, Prometheus with Coors Light, or Madagascar 3 with L'Oreal Kids?

Animated Short Idea: L'Oreal tests its kids products on Madagascar characters.

Bricks and Bombs

Idea: Replace CAPTCHAs with simple homophone questions.

Your/You're fired!
Type in the correct word.

Their/There/They're all gonna laugh at you!
Type in the correct word.

They would be practical grammar flash cards.

Idea: Soccer clubs customize their home fields with sand traps and varied grass heights to spice up play.


One of my biggest LOLs for the night is Big Show's knockout punch on John Cena at Over The Limit being called the "darkest day in WWE history." Here are ten things off the top of my head that were darker than a guy who always turns on people turning on somebody:

1. Owen Hart falling from the rafters and dying because you thought it'd be funny to dress him up like a super hero, have him cut a promo about how awesome milk is and then make him wrestle a pimp.

2. Chris Benoit murdering his wife and child.

3. The next night when you had a two hour tribute to the guy who murdered his wife and child and probably knew about it, but went through with it anyway.

4. That time Jake the Snake made a snake bite Macho Man for real.

5. That time Jake the Snake put a snake on George Wells and made him vomit up cream cheese.

6. When Triple H snuck into a funeral home and filmed himself having sex with a cheerleader mannequin meant to represent Kane's dead ex-girlfriend and then scooping out her brains.

7. Kurt Angle equating having sex with a black woman to "doing bestiality."

8. Big Bossman driving the Blues Brothers car to Big Show's funeral, stealing Big Show's father's corpse and forcing Show to surf on it as he dragged it away.

9. Stephanie McMahon revealing that Vince had whored her out to random businessmen when she was younger, possibly a child.

10. Undertaker being chokeslammed through the burning bones of his dead mother and father.

related: A foreward by Rob Zombie?!?

Coming Attractions

I saw Trailer Park Boys: The Movie with Tony in Windsor.

I saw Trailer Park Boys 2 with Tony in Vancouver.

Come to think of it, I've seen films with Tony in three Canadian provinces – QC, ON, and BC.

Road trip to Calgary for Trailer Park Boys 3?

Yes, please let Jay Baruchel participate.


She said she used to be the hottest girl in Ajax, but in Montreal she's only an eight-and-a-half

That's My Boy
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Magic Mike
The Watch
The Expendables 2

The number of major film releases this summer that are rated R seems inordinate.

And the one that should be rated R, the Total Recall remake, is PG-13.

Jay-Z is in charge of the music for and will contribute original songs to a new, modern version of the musical Annie written by Emma Thompson and starring Willow Smith.

From The Economist:

Divorce was banned [in Chile] until 2004, and gay sex decriminalised only in 1999.

What? How did the government monitor gay sex activity?

Hornblower: It was enforced by aircraft.

Chile is one of only four countries in South America where the age of consent is higher for gays than for heterosexuals.

"We don't think you're ready for his jelly."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

21. Dan courts Jonah (Veep, S01E05)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "You're supposed to love each other, not kill each other! This isn't the Bible!" (Bob's Burgers, S02E09)
  • "Milk, saving families – what can't breasts do?" (Bob's Burgers, S02E09)
  • "A king who runs will not be king for long." (Game of Thrones, S02E08)
  • "Great rangers never get old." (Game of Thrones, S02E08)
  • "A man can go kill himself." (Game of Thrones, S02E08)
  • "She cannot fall asleep on live TV! Not on C-SPAN… The irony would be too huge." (Veep, S01E05)
  • Nicknames: Mammary Meyer, Grizzly Madam, She-Ra, Meyer the Liar, The Batcave, Pissface, Wicked Witch of the West Wing, Veep Throat, Voldemeyer, Dickless Van Dyke, Tawdry Hepburn, Blunder Woman, Selina Meh, Vaselina, Betty Poop, Goofy Smile, Vaguely Personable, Viagra Prohibitor, Visible Panties, VPILF (Veep, S01E05)
  • "That's like trying to use a croissant as a fucking dildo. It doesn't do the job, and it makes a fucking mess!" (Veep, S01E05)
  • "You are from New York. Therefore, you are just naturally interesting." (Girls, S01E06)
  • Hardcore night in America: Magrudergrind on Veep and Retaliate on The Eric Andre Show
  • Naked Chloë Sevigny sporting a prosthetic penis (Hit & Miss, S01E01)
  • "I'm basically his beard. Pre-beard. His stubble." (Modern Family, S03E24)
  • "Ugh! Panties. I can't get comfortable. How does Hillary Clinton do it?" (Don't Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23, S01E07)
  • "Shut up, goblin! I don't know you!" (Don't Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23, S01E07)


I'm not sad anymore, I'm just tired of this place

—What are you writing?

—A parody of Radiohead's "Karma Police."

This is white nougat
This is white nougat
This is white nougat, which is made with nuts

I know no one respects my taste in music, but god damn this song is good – "song of the year" good:

I admire the hell out of musical artists who can make chaos accessible (listen also: Jamie Lidell – "Your Sweet Boom").

Phillip Phillips sings the national anthem at a Philadelphia Phillies game.

Mockumentary Idea: Will Smith's nephew from West Philadelphia moves in with Smith and his family in Bel-Air. Smith plays an outright Scientologist version of himself. Jaden thinks he's a kung fu master.


We can confidently predict that when it comes to wild, must-discuss moments from this year's Cannes Film Festival, nothing will top the scene from The Paperboy, Lee Daniels' follow-up to Precious, where Nicole Kidman looms over a supine Zac Efron, cries out, "If anyone's gonna pee on him, it's gonna be me," and then squirts an impressive stream of urine onto the High School Musical star's face and bare chest. And yes, you get a close-up of the stream. [source]

That beautiful border between nightmare and morning when you realize that all of the monsters menacing you have evaporated like smoke, leaving behind only the warm blankets and the pale sunlight of a Saturday dawn

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I just finished Beat the Reaper by Josh Bazell. It's a brisk, crackin' read about a former killer for the mob who is discovered as a doctor in witness protection. I am eager to dive into its sequel, Wild Thing.

I rarely do drugs anymore, because as I've grown older I've become able to achieve the same states of emotional instability and poor decision-making skills without them. [157]

Blazer, untucked shirt, designer jeans, wedge-toe loafers: the full douchebag tuxedo. [22]

I just finished Wild Thing by Josh Bazell, which reads less like a sequel to Beat the Reaper and more like a spin-off, in which the former killer for the mob investigates a lake monster in Minnesota … where he is joined by Sarah Palin.

In metric, one milliliter of water occupies one cubic centimeter, weighs one gram, and requires one calorie of energy to heat up by one degree centigrade—which is 1 percent of the difference between its freezing point and its boiling point. An amount of hydrogen weighing the same amount has exactly one mole of atoms in it.

Whereas in the American system, the answer to "How much energy does it take to boil a room-temperature gallon of water?" is "Go fuck yourself," because you can't directly relate any of those quantities. [86]

Beer is the perfect population-overshoot scenario: you put a bunch of organisms into an enclosed space with more carbohydrates than they've ever seen before, then watch as they kill themselves off with their own waste products. [88]

It's an odd, indulgent deviation. A crime novel does not need 35 pages of research source notes, which themselves are annotated.

The chapter on the origin of the canoe from the perspective of Sheriff Albin is, to quote Sam [sic] Purcell, "drawn without reference material."*

* Sam and Max: Freelance Police, Issue #1, 1987. [359]

If digital devices really do make children less likely to develop the skills and focus to do things like design more digital devices, how is that not a self-limiting problem? [272]

The ending sets up a promising third installment, however.

What do I stand for?

Previously on Adam Riff™:
Last NHL season, I rolled with the Vancouver Canucks. This NHL season, I'm keen on the Los Angeles Kings to win the Stanley Cup at 14/1 odds, but the Pittsburgh Penguins at 10/1 odds seems like a shrewder bet.

[punches fire extinguisher]

LOS ANGELES, CA: Owner Mark Davis of the Oakland Raiders sits courtside as the Los Angeles Clippers take on the San Antonio Spurs.

Of course the owner of the Raiders is a Clippers fan. Of course.

From the culture that brought you Oreo packaging hair:

Why doesn't a black hair-styling reality competition exist? Shear Genius + Work of Art.

Coming Attractions

Wrong Cops is a proposed filthy comedy about disturbed cops by Quentin Dupieux (a.k.a. Mr. Oizo, a.k.a. the writer and director of Rubber).

Chapter one (13 minutes) of Wrong Cops, starring Marilyn Manson, will premiere online on Thursday at

The producer of Wrong Cops is seeking financing for the remaining six chapters at the Cannes Film Festival.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

—What are you writing?

Community spec scripts. See if I can fill one of the show's writer vacancies.

—"Backwards Episode," "What if Greendale was a massive luxury liner called Titanic?"…

—If you haven't seen it, it's new to you.

—…"Harmon's Head"?

—The study group members are each an aspect of Dan Harmon's psyche.


—It's meta.

20. Journey to the Center of Hawkthorne (Community, S03E20)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Killing's the sweetest thing there is." (Game of Thrones, S02E07)
  • "It's better to be cruel than weak." (Game of Thrones, S02E07)
  • "No one can survive in this world without help." (Game of Thrones, S02E07)
  • "The more people you love, the weaker you are." (Game of Thrones, S02E07)
  • "How Jewish are they? You know, Fiddler on the Roof – audience or cast?" (Mad Men, S05E09)
  • "It's easy to forget what a big slice of our country rubs shoulders with a failed state by the name of Mexico. Now if you had bad neighbours who came into your garden every night to crap a butt-full of drugs and beans on your flowers, you might think about building a fence." (Veep, S01E04)
  • "Hey, I don't bail! I am still watching Smash, Criss!" (30 Rock, S06E22)
  • "Awww, poor baby. Can't hack it in the big city? Gonna move to the Bay Area now, pretend that that was your dream the whole time? Have fun always carrying a light sweater." (30 Rock, S06E22)
  • "It is hard out there for a fake Moby." (Community, S03E21)
  • "You're average, Britta Perry. You're every kid on the playground that didn't get picked on. You're a business casual potted plant, a human white sale. You're VH1, RoboCop 2, and Back to the Future 3. You're the centre slice of a square cheese pizza. Actually, that sounds delicious. I'm the centre slice of a square cheese pizza. You're Jim Belushi." (Community, S03E22)
  • "Cruel. Cruel, cruel, cruel." (Community, S03E22)
  • "That's right, Jeff. I went there. You drove me there. Miss Daisy's in the house. Thanks for the ride, sorry about slavery." (Community, S03E22)
  • "Who cares? Everything is terrible."
    "Oh, no. Have you been watching Dance Moms again?" (Community, S03E22)
  • Khloe Kardashian: "I've never seen a white penis before. I don't know what they look like." (Punk'd, S09E08)