I'm tired of being down, I got no fight

Driving home from the city: I hope I don't zone out.

10 minutes later: How did I get in this lane?

I zoned out thinking about Andrew Luck's flip phone.

I tried three of Eater SF's 12 places to eat right now.

The chocolate babka at Wise Sons (Jewish deli) is killer, as are the green garlic bread at State Bird Provisions (tapas dim sum) and the tuna tostadas at Tacolicious (clean Mexican).

Wise Sons' corned beef sandwich does not come with mustard already spread on the rye bread. Who eats rye bread without mustard?

Boylan's Diet Cane Cola is not an acceptable substitute for Diet Coke.

At Wise Sons, I saw a hipster girl eating noodle kugel while wearing oversized sunglasses.

I wish my mobile had a camera.

Later, I saw an empty Perrier bottle filled with sunflower seed shells.

Game Show Idea: Send a contestant, armed with a smartphone and smartphone GPS navigation, to retrieve five items scattered about a city that he or she is unfamiliar with.

After the contestant returns with the five items, he or she then has 90 minutes to return them without the use of a smartphone. In addition, the contestant cannot speak to anyone in the city. The contestant receives $5000 for each item that he or she manages to return.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

17. Roger's LSD trip (Mad Men, S05E06)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "There's no cure for being a cunt." (Game of Thrones, S02E04)
  • "A man without friends is a man without power." (Game of Thrones, S02E04)
  • "Cleaner ways don't win wars." (Game of Thrones, S02E04)
  • "Glasses make me look weak. It's like a wheelchair for the eye." (Veep, S01E01)
  • "He died. He's a dead now." (Veep, S01E01)
  • "Every minute that we delay, 'retard' goes up a font size." (Veep, S01E01)
  • "Hey good lookin', what'cha got cookin', dickwad pie?" (Veep, S01E01)
  • "I misjudged things. Fundamentally, I would say I misjoked." (Veep, S01E01)
  • "Is there anything you can't do?"
    "Foreplay. Direct sunlight." (Veep, S01E01)
  • "I'm gonna make the fuckin' continent of Africa on your arm." (Girls, S01E02)
  • "You want a…a Gatorade?"
    "What kind? What flavor?"
    "Orange…" (Girls, S01E02)
  • 'Black Guy' (Loiter Squad, S01E05)
  • "I lost my baby R-o-o-o-o-oy!" (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S02E06)
  • "Freeze frame!" (New Girl, S01E22)
  • "Models eating sliders. Bernadette Peters on a high beam. Freshly baked bread." (New Girl, S01E22)
  • "Boiling water is the icicle-stabbing of yam killing." (Community, S03E17)
  • Fred Armisen (30 Rock, S06E19)
  • Sinéad O'Connor (30 Rock, S06E19)


Choke in the truth of a million dead

From an article on North Korea's prison camps in The Economist:

Even prison guards attempt to escape the country.

Many prisoners are stunted and deformed from back-breaking work, 12 hours a day, seven days a week, with so little food that they eat rats and snakes, and pick through cow dung for grains of corn.

Whole families, including children, are incarcerated for "guilt by association". Under an edict from Kim Il Sung in 1972, up to three generations must be punished in order to wipe out the "seed" of class enemies.

Crimes include a failure to wipe the dust off a portrait of Kim the patriarch; having been a diplomat or student in eastern Europe in the late 1980s and therefore having witnessed the collapse of socialism; having contact (usually in China) with South Koreans; or being a Christian.

That the world continues to abide North Korea is mental to me. North Korea is Jerry Sandusky and we are Penn State.

From what I gather, America doesn't intervene because China would probably take action on behalf of North Korea again.

In the detention centres near China, North Korean women suspected of being made pregnant by Han Chinese are subject to forced abortions. (The state preaches an extreme gospel of racial purity.)

Earth to China: You are allied with people who believe that your ethnicity is toxic!


Adam Reed walks us through Archer's third season:

AR: One of my weird things is that I constantly, constantly use Wikipedia on these Archer scripts. If a bad guy draws a gun on Archer, I start thinking, "What kind of gun would this guy have? Let's go look… What's a creepy, weird, sort of rare gun?" And I'm on Wikipedia looking up Mauser C96 pistols, and then click, click, click, click, and I'm reading about Family Feud, and just hours go by.

AVC: Do you spend a lot of time combing news sites and newspapers for stories?

AR: No. Definitely not the news. It's all Wikipedia, basically. Just clicking, clicking, clicking and then, "Whoa, here's this dude that got murdered in France with a dildo in his bottom. That sounds like an idea for Archer."

Animated series writers – they're just like us!

Coming Attractions

Tai Chi 0 is a Chinese steampunk martial arts flick, the first third of a trilogy. Sammo Hung choreographed its action.

Someone liked The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo's trailer…

The Four is a Chinese horror martial arts flick from Gordon Chan (Fist of Legend). It too is the first third of a trilogy.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

16. A fight scene of the year candidate (Mad Men, S05E05)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "It's not a lie if you lie to vegetarians." (Bob's Burgers, S02E05)
  • Stevie's chola eyebrows (Eastbound and Down, S03E08)
  • "Everybody be cool! This isn't a school shooting. It's something far more fantastic." (Eastbound and Down, S03E08)
  • "Youth can suck my dick." (Eastbound and Down, S03E08)
  • "And I know you won't forget me, because I popped that cherry. That's right. Tore it out for all you young guys." (Eastbound and Down, S03E08)
  • "Texas has a weather climate very similar to Mexico, except it doesn't stink like fuckin' buttholes and donkeys." (Eastbound and Down, S03E08)
  • "This was the only way. The press would've never left us alone." (Eastbound and Down, S03E08)
  • "They say that dronkey is man's best friend." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S02E05)
  • "Life's about having a good time and having candy, not putting roaches in your hair!" (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S02E05)
  • "I don't real-talk with my food." (Adventure Time, S04E02a)
  • "Just because I clearly don't want her doesn't mean it's open season." (WWE Raw, 04-16-12)
  • The Yes Lock (WWE Raw, 04-16-12)
  • Teen Solomon Grundy (Glee, S03E16)
  • "An Indian-Jewish baby? Who wouldn't want that? Think about the bone structure." (New Girl, S01E21)
  • "I'm probably going to be going on the Internet before we have sex again because I don't want to impregnate the baby. We could have a Russian nesting doll situation on our hands." (New Girl, S01E21)
  • "I might as well call you Bridge to Terabithia because you make children cry. And I might as well call you Indian in the Cupboard." (New Girl, S01E21)
  • "The Staff of The Dana Carvey Show" was a category (Jeopardy!, 04-18-12)
  • Cher and Elton (Suburgatory, S01E19)
  • The Challenger (South Park, S16E06)
  • Seven turdy seven, poo choo express (South Park, S16E06)
  • "Stan once again ended up jackin' it in San Diego." (South Park, S16E06)
  • Weekly World News reference (Ugly Americans, S02E16)
  • "Ken, Please Come Over For Gay Sex."
    "Why wouldn't you use 'Karen'?"
    "'Cause it's gay sex, dummy."
    "So use 'Great'…" (Community, S03E16)
  • The duali-dean of man (Community, S03E16)
  • "What did Theodore 'Bazooka' Joe do when his eccentric millionaire father left him nothing but a tiny pink rock quarry? He baked those rocks and sold them to children – as gum." (30 Rock, S06E18)
  • "My heyday was the '90s" (30 Rock, S06E18)
  • Angela is married to Noah Bennet and Kelly is dating Mohinder Suresh (The Office, S08E21)
  • "I was going out to get my hairbrush." (Punk'd, S09E04)
  • "These cards aren't even real – they're matzah." (Eagleheart, S02E02)
  • Tongue in cheeks (Eagleheart, S02E02)
  • Joanna Kerns (Eagleheart, S02E02)


25 Notes on Fox's 25th Anniversary

Leonardo DiCaprio and Danny Pintauro were celebrity contestants on an episode of Fun House. DiCaprio became a world-famous actor. Pintauro became (as of 2011) a Tupperware salesman.


This Totally Hidden Video prank, inspired by It's a Wonderful Life, traumatized me.

I watched an episode of Haywire, which followed Totally Hidden Video on Saturday nights, in the back office of a restaurant operated by my friend George's family. George died last year.

Only one of the three Babes is still alive.

Ed O'Neill was the first actor from a Fox programme to host Saturday Night Live.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes was the first animated series animated by computers.


Never forget.

The cast and crew of The Edge (Saturday nights at 9:30 PM) included: Jennifer Aniston, Tom Kenny, Paul Feig, Charlie Kaufman, and Bill Plympton. Not The Dana Carvey Show, but still formidable.


Co-written by Paul Dini of Batman: The Animated Series fame, "Weekday Afternoon Live," Tiny Toon Adventures' Saturday Night Live homage, doubled as a jab at The Simpsons. Spielberg shared Indiana Jones' theme music for use in The Simpsons' "Bart's Friend Falls in Love" episode, hoping in return that he could use The Simpsons' theme music in Tiny Toon Adventures' "Pledge Week" episode, and was denied. Thus: Blard Simpleton.

The Clock King was my favourite limited Batman: The Animated Series villain, but Josiah "The Interrogator" Wormwood was a close second. Wormwood's sole episode, "The Cape and Cowl Conspiracy," contains the first use of the Bat-Signal in the DC Animated Universe.

New Year's Eve 1992. Penn and Teller botch an escape from a champagne torture tank.

Or did they? To this day, I'm not sure that they didn't botch it on purpose.

My most vivid memory of The Simpsons is when Homer opens a can of beer that Bart shook up with a paint shaker in the first Simpsons clip show.

My most vivid memory of Married… with Children is a two-parter in which Al and Peg compete against Marcy and Jefferson in a supermarket shopping spree judged by Jerry Mathers.

I once conceived a live-action film adaptation of Bobby's World starring: Howie Mandel as Howard, Crystal Bernard as Martha, Zachary Ty Bryan as Derek, Christina Applegate as Kelly, and Rodney Dangerfield as Uncle Ted.

The pilot episode of MADtv featured a mash-up of Forrest Gump and Pulp Fiction ("Gump Fiction") in which Phil LaMarr parodies his character in Pulp Fiction.


Before class one night, Chinese-school classmates and I shared impressions of Kogi, John Leguizamo's (Colombian heritage) impersonation of a Japanese talk show host on House of Buggin'.

My most vivid memory of The X-Files is a guest spot by The Enigma of the Jim Rose Circus. He fascinated me.

Partners' 1995 Thanksgiving episode referenced the runaway balloon in Friends' 1994 Thanksgiving episode, which was written by the creators of Partners.

My most vivid memory of Partners is a lazy trick-or-treater who claims to be "Kramer from Seinfeld," and later returns as "Chandler from Friends." It may be the reverse.


Why must I be cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs? Frosted Flakes – they're great!

This is regular rice, but it's brown, so they call it wild rice.

Why are these black olives in a can? The green olives are in a jar.

They're trying to tell you that you're cuckoo, you're wild, and you need to be locked up!

Warren Hutcherson adapted his stand-up bit about his father finding plots against the black race into a digital short for Saturday Night Special, Roseanne's Saturday Night Live challenger.


2Pac and Ice-T covered "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" on Saturday Night Special. I'm pretty sure this was 2Pac's final televised musical performance.


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno taped in Chicago for a week, during which Jay visited the Bundys, who live in Chicago, and bought their couch for Dennis Rodman look-alikes to sit on.

I remember a magic special involving silly costumed performers, à la the Aquabats. I recall a trick involving a gigantic hourglass. Alas, when I search the Internet for this special, I just receive results for Valentino's "Breaking the Magician's Code" specials.

After That '70s Show became a hit, Topher Grace used his leverage to request a complete set of The Ben Stiller Show, which was not readily available until 2003.

I recorded and still possess the complete run of American High on VHS.

Work out your own salvation

I wonder who originated the "husband, father" Twitter bio archetype.

Do you think Pothead Dad could be a viable reality show?

[googles "pothead dad"]

"Dad Arrested After Kids Turn Him in for Pot"
"Pothead dad abuses 4-month-old daughter"
"Pothead Dad Forgot Kids in Bath"


[googles "stoner dad"]

"Stoner Dad Drops Joint In Toddlers Lunchbox, Gets Arrested"
"Watch Stoner Dad Scares Girl With Chainsaw Video"
"Stoner dad says 1-year-old son 'possessed by devil'"

Stoner Dad?

Coming Attractions

Previously on Adam Riff™:
Another documentary about Detroit? By my count, that's six in two years, with a seventh currently in production.

Number eight:

BURN is a 2.35 widescreen documentary on firefighters in Detroit, "a city with vast stretches of forsaken buildings left as kindling, the highest arson rate in the country, and a budget crisis of epic proportions.

Meet the men and women at the most overworked and underequipped firehouse in the country, charged with saving a city many have written off as dead."

Co-director Tom Putnam: "No one has made a firefighting documentary before, let alone sent cameras into burning buildings. We [used] HD helmet cameras."

The Tribeca Film Festival will host its world premiere this weekend.


How I Spent My NBA Lockout

New York Knick guest spots on television shows no one watches — who wore it best?

Amar'e Stoudemire as a star basketball player on TV Land's The Exes

Baron Davis as himself as a Cavalier on TV Land's Hot in Cleveland

Carmelo Anthony as a baseball player in drug rehab on Showtime's Nurse Jackie

see also: LaMarcus Aldridge as Penny Marshall's boyfriend on Portlandia

The path to Heaven runs through miles of clouded Hell

Look at this fucking cover design.

I just finished reading Seed by Rob Ziegler. It's difficult to synopsize.

The near-future United States is dominated by Satori, a bioengineering megacorporation only nominally answerable to the weak government that distributes Satori's genetically modified seed stock to migrants in a land ravaged by climate change. When Satori engineer Pihadassa, the seed's developer, goes rogue, agent Sienna Doss heads out to capture her and persuade her to work for the government. Meanwhile, migrant brothers Brood and Pollo are drawn into the plans laid by both Pihadassa and Satori. [source]

Seed starts slow but picks up nicely. Ziegler's hyper-detailed, hypo-contextualized prose can disorient. Sprinkled in are a few clunky sentences describing sex scenes.

It runs in the family

A cousin on my father's side is visiting from Atlanta. She recently finished the first phase of med school…in the Caribbean.

"What are you gonna specialize in?"

"Something undemanding, like anesthesiology, or radiology. Anesthesiologists only work half the year."

Another cousin on my father's side switched his uni major from dentistry to Japanese because it was easier. Japanese is his first language.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

15. Slaughterhouse (Justified, S03E13)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Tight dick, playa." (Eastbound and Down, S03E07)
  • "I'll buy you shrimp for the rest of your life. Every night, you can eat it off my fuckin' butthole." (Eastbound and Down, S03E07)
  • Bob Duato (Eastbound and Down, S03E07)
  • Better fake hair: Stevie Janowski or Karl Pilkington? (Eastbound and Down, S03E07; Derek [pilot])
  • "The Dirty South got AIDS, nigga!" (Loiter Squad, S01E03)
  • "She's gotta empty her spaghetti house." (Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S02E04)
  • Nyjer Morgan struggles defensively (Brewers at Cubs, 04-09-12)
  • "I want it Beyoncé coloured." (New Girl, S01E20)
  • Nancy Grace running (Raising Hope, S02E21)
  • "Jackin' for the Lord…" (South Park, S16E05)
  • "A fantastic kickboxing vampire movie." (Community, S03E15)
  • Dean Pelton acts like a carnival (Community, S03E15)
  • "I tried to leave her at the 'Bodies' exhibit." (30 Rock, S06E17)
  • The hallway where everything's in slow motion (Saturday Night Live, S37E19)