November 14, 2010 on Adam Riff™:
I am looking for contributors for my web zine, which I plan to launch in January. Each quarterly "issue" will consist of a variety of content (articles, comics, podcasts, et cetera) that is all, in some way, related to a single theme. The theme of the first issue is sleep.

This would have been the cover of Anhedoniac #1:

realized by the talented Jon Wilcox

Among my planned contributions:

  • Name That Tune
    A game show podcast in which contestants try to identify lullaby renditions of popular songs.
  • Midnight Screenings
    A panel (film actor, film director, film critic) critiques performances in films by late night talk show hosts – David Letterman in Cabin Boy, Jay Leno in Collision Course, Conan O'Brien in Storytelling, Jimmy Kimmel in Like Mike, Jimmy Fallon in Almost Famous.
  • The Princess and the Pee
    A comic strip. Only a real princess would remain on a mattress with the bed-wetting prince.

The centerpiece of the issue was gonna be a longread on my snoring, which I have decided to revive and serialize on Adam Riff™.

So coming soon, in chunks: "Night Terror: The Increasingly Paranoid Slumbers of a Hopeless Snorer" by Jon Yu.

Masterpieces liquidate in fertile tears

Gillette sent a man around the world to see how far one ProGlide cartridge could go.

I saw that Gillette ad and thought, "Gillette should have sent him around the country when Taco Bell was testing Doritos Locos Tacos."

Lo, immediately following the Gillette ad was that Taco Bell road trip ad.

But I would drive 500 miles
And I would drive 500 more
Just to be the man who drove 1000 miles
To try an odd taco

Idea: A Frito pie taco with a shell made of Fritos.

Idea: Fried chicken breaded in Cool Ranch Doritos crumbs.

Idea: Peeta chips. "They won't kill you."

Shaun White Stride gum? If I ever need an agent, I want Shaun White's. Dude appears on ESPN2 twice a year and has his own flavour of gum.

Honey Smacks

Humans hate being mentally strong and physically weak. The fact that we get to take this planet down with us when we go brings us no joy whatsoever. Instead we admire athletes and the physically violent, and we loathe intellectuals. A bunch of nerds build a rocket to the fucking moon, and who do they send? A blond man named Armstrong, who can't even say the line right when he lands.

It's a weird curse, when you think about it. We're built for thought, and civilization, more than any other creature we've found. And all we really want to be is killers. [27-29]

I just finished Beat the Reaper by Josh Bazell. It's a brisk, crackin' read about a former killer for the mob who is discovered as a doctor in witness protection.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross at one point said that our comprehension of death passes through five distinct stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.*

* I say "at one point" because this progression is what we think about when we think about Kübler-Ross. But what we avoid thinking about when we think about Kübler-Ross is how she later changed her mind and decided we'll all be reincarnated. I wish I was shitting you. [124]

Its climax is wicked audacious. I stood and applauded on the inside.

Ah, youth. It's like heroin you've smoked instead of snorted. Gone so fast you can't believe you still have to pay for it. [108]

I am eager to dive into its sequel, Wild Thing.

Jew-hating may be a primordial cracker urge, but loneliness goes back to the amoeba. [105]

Radiators know only what they see

I saw that Macy Gray recorded a covers album and thought, "Whatever."

Then I saw the songs that Macy Gray covered.

2. Creep (Radiohead)
6. Teenagers (My Chemical Romance)
8. Nothing Else Matters (Metallica)
11. Maps (Yeah Yeah Yeahs)

14. "Bubbly (feat. Idris Elba)"

Macy Gray covered Colbie Caillet with Stringer Bell.

15. Wake Up (Arcade Fire)

Alone in a room impervious to heat

Jon: Is that… Is that a white hair?

B: Yup.


B: "But I'm not even 30." I know, I know…


B: It's just one white hair. It could be an aberration. And if it's not, your preferred hairstyle is an induction cut. Just maintain it more frequently. You cut your own hair. No additional cost.

Jon: Do you have a Sharpie?

Live Stream: The Hunger Games

Rob Huebel's Georgia Tech shirts hijack this trailer [for What to Expect When You're Expecting].

Wes Bentley, the cast of American Reunion – two thousand zero zero party over oops second chance…

Breakouts: 1999
Now that Wes Bentley's arresting gravitas has proven a magnet for the under-25 crowd, driving American Beauty's grosses to the $60 million range, he's experiencing intense newest-flavor courtship. Bentley's on the prowl for "serious stuff"—and that means "no action movies with too many special effects."

Heh. Literal flaming outfits to complement all the figurative ones.

For the sequel, Gary Ross might want to dial the handheld cinematography down from 'Paul Greengrass' to 'Peter Berg.'

The Games portion of this film would be more effective if the tribute characters were more developed. The Hunger Games should've been a television series, or an Avengers-esque culmination.

Idea: A fighting game featuring characters from District 12, District 9, and District 13Mortal Kombat 2099. Unlock characters from District 5.

"What time is it?"
"Middle afternoon."
"Why is it getting so dark?"
So the computer-generated hounds look less shitty.

I thought Peeta was gonna throw Cato off the Cornucopia – Chekhov's gun. Why emphasize that he's skilled at throwing heavy things then?

Oh. Steven Soderbergh was a second unit director.

For the sequel, Gary Ross might want to cede action scenes to Soderbergh.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

12. Meet the Woman Addicted to Her Urine (My Strange Addiction, S03E08)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Man, I gotta do this stupid essay for English class on 'someone important to me.'"
    "I'd write about the guy who flys the helicopter on The Bachelor." (Bob's Burgers, S02E02)
  • "Babies are made chubby so if you drop them when they're little, they don't break." (Eastbound and Down, S03E05)
  • "I feel like my life has become Requiem for a Dream, and I have front row seat tickets to the ass to ass scene, and Toby's the dildo, and I'm both assholes. (Eastbound and Down, S03E05)
  • Nick folding the sweater (New Girl, S01E17)
  • "When you see black people at a bar mitzvah, it's very exciting. It's like a scary ride." (Key and Peele, S01E08)
  • "Stop the violence, increase the peace. Or as my bumper sticker says: 'Coexist.'" (Happy Endings, S02E19)
  • Chang's pouty face (Community, S03E12)
  • "Both versions of Michael Jackson." (Community, S03E12)
  • "Adele's 'Someone Likes Food.'" (30 Rock, S06E14)
  • "Unless I write a song that can't be parodied."
    "Impossible. What do you think Phil Collins was trying to do with 'Sussudio'?" (30 Rock, S06E14)
  • "It's impossible not to have a great time at Planet Hollywood." (30 Rock, S06E14)
  • "He reversed the parody. He 'Normal Al'd us." (30 Rock, S06E14)
  • Krieger's third Rush-themed van (Archer, S03E13)
  • "With your looks, maybe bitchy's not the way to go." (Archer, S03E13)


Believe that life can change, that you're not stuck in vain

American Titans mascot

Australian Titans mascot

For some reason, the FA Cup has a mascot, and it is an FA Cup trophy.

A Stanley Cup trophy mascot could be fun. Put it between the benches during playoff games.

In January 1994, the Rockies announced the discovery of a dinosaur egg at Coors Field, then under construction. The "egg" was exhibited at the Denver Museum of Natural History.

On April 16, 1994 — the egg was escorted into Mile High Stadium by a National Guard contingent and hatched at 12:49 p.m. Out waddled Dinger. [source]

Dinger: The Gobbledy Gooker of baseball.

Coming Attractions

The Final Member
Sigurdur Hjartarson has devoted four decades to curating the Icelandic Phallogical Museum. As its founder, he's collected a penile specimen from every mammalian species except one—a human. Hjartarson guides us on an incredible and comical journey to procure that elusive penis.

At 95, Icelander Páll Arason can think of no better way to enshrine his Casanova lifestyle than contributing his well-worn love gun. His stiff competition comes from Tom, a patriotic American who feels strongly that the stars and stripes should shine with his penis named Elmo. He'd even donate it while alive to ensure it's the first.

Hot Docs (Canadian International Documentary Festival) will host its world premiere in May.

Race Dicks follows Trailer Park Boys stars Robb Wells, John Paul Tremblay, and Mike Smith as they learn car racing skills to compete in a world famous car race in Newfoundland, and attempt to raise enough money through racing endorsements to launch their own Internet-based network, SwearNet.

Producers are targeting a 2013 theatrical release.


All we require is everything

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I just finished reading The Magicians by Lev Grossman, and am eager to dive into its sequel, The Magician King.

That's what death did, it treated you like a child, like everything you had ever thought and done and cared about was just a child's game, to be crumpled up and thrown away when it was over. It didn't matter. Death didn't respect you. Death thought you were bullshit, and it wanted to make sure you knew it. [349]

I finished reading The Magician King. I did not expect the ending to wreck me, but such is my current emotional state.

The funny thing about never being asked for anything is that after a while you start to feel like maybe you don't have anything worth giving. [75]

The Magician King reminded me of The Godfather: Part II. We'll see if 2013's The Magician's Land can stick the landing. Grossman doesn't seem too keen on writing it.

That was the thing about the world: it wasn't that things were harder than you thought they were going to be, it was that they were hard in ways that you didn't expect. [97-98]

There were holes in you, the kind that I could not mend

Idea: NCAA Price Is Right.

Half the audience is students from one school – say, UCLA – and half is students from another school – UW.

Contestants' row is an alternating split – UCLA student, UW student, UCLA student, UW student. Contestants that advance on stage are replaced with students from the same school to maintain the split.

The school with the larger cash and prize total at the end wins, so a school could not participate in the showcase round and still win.

31 conference Price Is Right champions advance to a championship tournament, and all the schools that placed second compete in Plinko for the 32nd spot.

Idea: A USA basketball tournament in which each state fields a team.

You brought us Taco Bell

At Safeway early Sunday morning, I saw a bunch of unsold green cakes on a folding table and pictured Africans receiving crates of green food later this week.

In the parking lot, I saw a Prius with the license plate "ND OPEC" and bird shit all over its hood. How perfect, I thought.

—Why were you at Safeway at 1:00 a.m. on a Sunday?

—A Hail Mary before last call on St. Patrick's Day.

Idea: An augmented reality Pokémon Snap scavenger hunt played with smartphones and fiducial markers. The markers generate Pokémon on a smartphone screen, which you then photograph.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

11. Kenny eulogizes Shane [feat. Candlebox and Pearl Jam]
(Eastbound and Down, S03E04)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Rachel's meltdown over salami (The Amazing Race, S20E04)
  • "Ironic detachment is great. Nothing means anything!" (Bob's Burgers, S02E01)
  • Bob hiding his erection (Bob's Burgers, S02E01)
  • "Why is Taff stuck on dad?" (Bob's Burgers, S02E01)
  • "I'd like to thank this brick and Questlove." (Bob's Burgers, S02E01)
  • Cyndi Lauper's parody of "The Goonies 'R' Good Enough" (Bob's Burgers, S02E01)
  • Stevie's nonchalant erection at the beach (Eastbound and Down, S03E04)
  • Supercut idea: Stevie's sex scenes (Eastbound and Down, S03E04)
  • Better clobbering: Michael [with an ashtray] or Liv? (Luck, S01E07; Skins, S06E08)
  • "Best friends don't yell at each other."
    "Sure they do. What about the Three Stooges? Or the Car Talk guys?"
    "Rizzoli and Isles!" (Raising Hope, S02E16)
  • "All a crystal is is rock poo." (New Girl, S01E16)
  • "If you come back to us, I'll let you clean my room."
    "The white whale?" (New Girl, S01E16)
  • Of all the slime-covered, naked individuals to drop out of a giant cocoon Bruce Greenwood is not my first choice. (The River, S01E07)
  • "Social awkwardness is often the curse of genius." (Justified, S03E09)
  • Manny the Mustang (Modern Family, S03E18)
  • "Hey, if Degrassi's on the field, play ball, am I right? Sorry. Proud of the wordplay, not the message." (Happy Endings, S02E18)
  • "That was the most hilarious near death experience I've ever seen, and I've seen Anthony Anderson play tennis." (Happy Endings, S02E18)
  • "Is that the Kurt Russell speech from Miracle?"
    "Now she's doing Goonies. She's all over the place." (Happy Endings, S02E18)
  • "'Webster's Dictionary defines'? That's the Jim Belushi of speech openings. It accomplishes nothing, but everyone keeps using it and nobody understands why." (Community, S03E11)
  • "Siri, kill Jenna." (30 Rock, S06E12)
  • "Astronaut training sucks complete ass – literally. What is the deal with all the enemas?" (Archer, S03E12)
  • "Uh… Smoke bomb!" (Archer, S03E12)
  • Archer riding Cyril into vomit (Archer, S03E12)
  • "Fuck you, space." (Archer, S03E12)
  • "Forget about JournalFace.net, and check out TheWorldAroundYou.Life!" (Delocated, S03E07)



"Find something you're passionate about," they say.

And you try, for almost two years, but always end up circling back to office assistant job listings on Craigslist, none of which pan out, as employers feel that you are not passionate enough.

Jack of all trades, masturbate to none.

You atrophy existentially, cursing your young, healthy body.

You increasingly doubt that a change of scenery would help.