Phoenix in Flames

I can't find it online, but United Airlines' current telly advert for its MileagePlus Explorer Card annoys me. In it, a traveler is flabbergasted by the perks that a MileagePlus Explorer receives.

What are the perks?

1. Check your first bag for free

This is only a perk because United charges a fee to check bags. It's an artificial perk. If you fly Southwest, it's not a perk – it's standard.

Instead of being able to check a bag for free, how about Your checked bags arrive first at baggage claim?

2. Enjoy priority boarding privileges

This isn't much of a perk. A non-cardholder can board comparably early just by sitting in the back.

Instead of priority boarding privileges, how about After landing, passengers must remain seated until you exit the plane – priority de-boarding?

3. Visit the United Club with two passes every year

This is a trick perk. In order to get the most out of it, you need to spend more time in an airport than you have to.

Instead of free wi-fi and alcoholic drinks before your flight, how about Free wi-fi and alcoholic drinks during your flight?

I am flabbergasted at how crappy the MileagePlus Explorer Card's perks are.

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