B: Hey, I'm bringing over some leftovers from Sophie's birthday party.

Jon: Jeesh. How much pizza did you order? And how big was her birthday cake? This leftover cake could pass for a whole birthday cake.

Jon: Who puts zucchini on a combination pizza?

Jon: Oh! Peach birthday cake…

[mobile rings]

I wonder who's calling. No one ever calls me. 404?

Jon: Hello?
Catherine: Jon, it's aunt Catherine. I'm in the area for a doctor's appointment, and I'm gonna drop off some saba.

My uncle-in-law Yoshi is a sushi chef. Years ago, I made the mistake of telling him that saba is my favourite sushi fish. Since then, he won't stop curing and pickling mackerel for me.

Catherine: This box is nigiri, and this box is sashimi.
Jon: Jeesh. Save some for the whales.

I don't have the heart to tell Yoshi-san to STOP WITH THE FUCKIN' MACKEREL.

I also can't, as I don't speak Japanese.

B: Hello?
Jon: Hey, do you have any Pepto-Bismol?


The More You Know

Coming Attractions

For the first time, the Paley Television Festival will live-stream its panels with cast and crew.

Of note:

  • American Horror Story (March 2)
  • Community (March 3)
  • New Girl (March 5)
  • Parks and Recreation (March 6)
  • Sons of Anarchy (March 7)
  • Revenge (March 11)
  • Mad Men (March 13)

The panels for Community, New Girl, Parks and Recreation, and Revenge will also be available on Hulu beginning March 15.


The past was ruins, but the present was still in play *

"If there's a single lesson that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so. Words and thoughts don't change anything. Language and reality are kept strictly apart—reality is tough, unyielding stuff, and it doesn't care what you think or feel or say about it. Or it shouldn't. You deal with it, and you get on with your life."

"Little children don't know that. Magical thinking: that's what Fraud called it. Once we learn otherwise we cease to be children. The separation of word and thing is the essential fact on which our adult lives are founded." [216]

"I think you're magical because you're unhappy. A magician is strong because he feels pain. He feels the difference between what the world is and what he would make of it. Or what did you think that stuff in your chest was? A magician is strong because he hurts more than others. His wound is his strength."

"Most people carry that pain around inside them their whole lives, until they kill the pain by other means, or until it kills them. But you, my friends, you found another way: a way to use the pain. To burn it as fuel, for light and warmth. You have learned to break the world that has tried to break you." [217]

I just finished reading The Magicians by Lev Grossman, and am eager to dive into its sequel, The Magician King.

Fox is developing a network television series adaptation of The Magicians. Godspeed. Lost was a hit, and The Magicians is mighty similar to Lost.

When I was young, I dreamed of escaping from a straitjacket while trapped inside a water torture tank with a spinning buzzsaw descending from above and a fire growing below – "Triple Jeopardy."

Nowadays, I dream of a performing a flourish routine set to this song that culminates with me somehow converting my head into a ball maze and then navigating a ping pong ball from the back of my head to my mouth with only the use of my neck.

"The problem with growing up is that once you're grown up, people who aren't grown up aren't fun anymore." [199]

* [315]


—Sod it. Set the time machine to just after Brett Ratner was fired.

—More show, less masturbation.

—We open with the Academy president, then a montage of all the "best picture" nominees set to This Will Destroy You's "The Mighty Rio Grande," then MC Terry Crews.

—It's past time to scrap the "best original song" category. No performances of negligible "best original song" nominees. Instead, we fill the telecast with performances of sexier soundtrack highlights from the past year. I picture, in this order:

  • Bruno Mars – "It Will Rain" (from Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 1)
  • The National – "Think You Can Wait" (from Win Win)
  • Karen O, Trent Reznor, and Atticus Ross – "Immigrant Song" (from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo)
  • Carey Mulligan – "New York, New York" (from Shame)
  • College feat. Electric Youth – "A Real Hero" (from Drive)

—Set the "in memoriam" necrology to the "A Real Hero" performance. If The National are unavailable, book Teenage Fanclub to perform "The Concept" (from Young Adult).

—No montages besides the "best picture" nominees one at the beginning, and no comedy sketches or dancers or acrobats. Instead, we world premiere footage from upcoming 2012 releases throughout the telecast. Give viewers reasons to be as excited about cinema as the Academy is. I want to unveil footage from The Dark Knight Rises, and Rian Johnson's Looper, and Quentin Tarantino's Django Unchained, and Wes Anderson's Moonrise Kingdom, and John Hillcoat's The Wettest Country, and Andrew Dominik's Cogan's Trade, and David Chase's Twylight Zones, and Alfonso Cuarón's Gravity, and David O. Russell's The Silver Linings Playbook, and Peter Jackson's The Hobbit, and Ang Lee's Life of Pi, and Baz Luhrmann's The Great Gatsby

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

Two this week.

8a. The Horse Race (Luck, S01E04)
Television at its best.

8b. Liam Neeson: Comedian (Life's Too Short, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • Rachel: We are right on the tails of the border patrol.
    Brendon: I'm half-Mexican, and I hate them for a reason. (The Amazing Race, S20E01)
  • A Dodge Ram with flames and scissor doors (Eastbound and Down, S03E01)
  • "It's medicinal…but not for AIDS." (Eastbound and Down, S03E01)
  • "Hey, we're parents. Suck our dicks!" (Eastbound and Down, S03E01)
  • Wayne Kramer's (MC5) wife does a bang-up job as the music supervisor for Eastbound and Down
  • "I like your tights. You look like a bee and I like bees." (Being Human [UK], S04E03)
  • "We're taking an edible arrangement to the hospital." (Glee, S03E14)
  • Svengoolie homage (Glee, S03E14)
  • "Wilfred and I had the exact right mix of weirdness. He liked to put raisins on his pizza, and I…couldn't have an orgasm unless he choked me." (Raising Hope, S02E15)
  • "What ever happened to Hard Copy? I liked that show! It was a viable alternative to A Current Affair!" (Happy Endings, S02E15)
  • "I just got the Criterion Collection of Clueless, so I'll see you guys later – I hope not sporadically." (Happy Endings, S02E15)
  • "We'll play MASH. I get to be Hawkeye." (Happy Endings, S02E15)
  • Ginuwine (Parks and Recreation, S04E16)
  • "English people's main use today is judging American talent." (The Office, S08E16)
  • "I usually put my feet up on the grab bars." (Archer, S03E09)
  • "Don't judge me…food." (Archer, S03E09)
  • Michael, Row the Boat Ashore (Unsupervised, S01E06)

(Delocated, S03E04)


Scandals and Animals

The song it sings has been stuck in my head for days.

I'm still bitter that Microsoft canned Conker's Other Bad Fur Day.

In light of Double Fine's success, Chris Seavor should solicit funds via Kickstarter to independently produce another game.

I saw a telly advert in which a woman is thrilled to receive an edible arrangement and thought, "Bitch, please. It's a fuckin' bouquet of fruit."

Edible arrangements are like gag gifts – once the novelty wears off, you're stuck with a mass of perishable fruit that tastes off.

Idea: An edible arrangement eating competition.

The last meal for every inmate on Death Row should be an edible arrangement. No substitutions.

Idea: An edible kebab arrangement.

At Toys "R" Us, I stumbled upon bargain brand painted-bottle-cap necklaces for girls, because painted-bottle-cap necklaces should not be exclusive to affluent girls. I mean, what girl doesn't want to wear a painted bottle cap around her neck?

Toys "R" Us' shopping carts are recyclable.

Phoenix in Flames

I can't find it online, but United Airlines' current telly advert for its MileagePlus Explorer Card annoys me. In it, a traveler is flabbergasted by the perks that a MileagePlus Explorer receives.

What are the perks?

1. Check your first bag for free

This is only a perk because United charges a fee to check bags. It's an artificial perk. If you fly Southwest, it's not a perk – it's standard.

Instead of being able to check a bag for free, how about Your checked bags arrive first at baggage claim?

2. Enjoy priority boarding privileges

This isn't much of a perk. A non-cardholder can board comparably early just by sitting in the back.

Instead of priority boarding privileges, how about After landing, passengers must remain seated until you exit the plane – priority de-boarding?

3. Visit the United Club with two passes every year

This is a trick perk. In order to get the most out of it, you need to spend more time in an airport than you have to.

Instead of free wi-fi and alcoholic drinks before your flight, how about Free wi-fi and alcoholic drinks during your flight?

I am flabbergasted at how crappy the MileagePlus Explorer Card's perks are.

Phoenix in Flight

Previously on Adam Riff™:
My mother is caught up in Linsanity. "Benji and Richard played youth basketball with him."

Apparently, my brother played youth basketball with Jeremy Lin too? And apparently, he mostly warmed benches, as Lin's father was the coach and favoured playing his son.


Distance and Meaning

I need to find a way to be in London on August 12.

I think one of my cousins lives there.

Idea: A Blur/Gorillaz joint tour.

Has any musical artist ever toured with two of his or her projects? I know Conor Oberst played with both Desaparecidos and Bright Eyes at a benefit concert, but I mean a full tour opening for yourself.

Once upon a time, I envisioned a tour on which Sparta and The Mars Volta opened for At the Drive-In.

Idea: A wedding reception roast. Instead of toasting the bride and groom – roasting them. The head table doubles as a dais.

Steroids era players should be elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame with the caveat that their inductions will be roasts.

The Baseball Hall of Fame Induction Roast of Mark McGwire!

Bar Mitzvah roast. Take it like a man.

Romantic Comedy Idea: A man discovers that the woman he's seeing has been adapting their dates into porno videos. The woman initially dates him purely for material to adapt into porno videos, but then she falls in love with him, but then he discovers her porno videos when a buddy of his sends him a link to one. He sees the woman he's dating with a man who resembles him and realizes that he's watching a re-enactment of one of their dates.

The woman's "best friend" is the man's porno stand-in.

Coming Attractions

Gyakuten Saiban is a film adaptation of Capcom's Ace Attorney video game series by Takashi Miike (Audition).

AM² will host its USA premiere in June.

Miike's last three films: An adaptation of a video game series, a 3D re-imagining of a 1962 samurai film, and a family comedy about kid ninjas.

I'd like to see him adapt Capcom's Dead Rising.

Related: A Professor Layton vs. Ace Attorney game? Yes!


British Columbia will begin to celebrate Family Day in 2013

"Jon, how do I use a DVR?"
"What are you trying to record?"
"The Knicks game today."

My mother is caught up in Linsanity.

"He attended the same Chinese school that you attended. I know his mom."
"Benji and Richard played youth basketball with him."

She forwarded me a video of him speaking at some Christian leadership event.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

7. Elegant Dinner Party (Archer, S03E08)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • I didn't recognize Louise "Nurse Ratched" Fletcher as Peg Gallagher (Shameless [USA], S02E06)
  • "Your coochie smells of brimstone and sulfur!" (Shameless [USA], S02E06)
  • "Can I be honest with you? I am not the reason that your life is a piece of crap. You came out of me a loser!" (Shameless [USA], S02E06)
  • "My parents suck too." (Shameless [USA], S02E06)
  • "Your mama's getting horny. She won't fuck with you in the house." (Angry Boys, S01E11)
  • "My sister is waiting for us in China. What is gonna happen to her if we don't go get her?" The re-cast son on Smash is comically terrible (S01E02)

(Adventure Time, S03E13b)

(Glee, S03E13)

  • Viennetta (Glee, S03E13)
  • Cougar Town – I don't get it.
  • "I'm from Tottenham! You don't mess around with people from Tottenham." (The River, S01E03)
  • "Where do people use cash?!" Cut to Dewey in a strip club (Justified, S03E05)
  • "Every group needs a Dave."
    "Yes, like in Dave Matthews Band! Carter Beauford is the Dave." (Happy Endings, S02E14)
  • "You getting mugged just proves what I said to you on the phone – New York is a selfish filth monster and eventually it gets all of us. It's Ghostbusters 2 all over again."
    "No, my getting mugged was New York doing what she does best – calling a great man to action. It's the original Ghostbusters all over again." (30 Rock, S06E08)
  • "You can try to change New York, but it's like Jay-Z says: 'Concrete bunghole where dreams are made up / There's nothing you can do.'" (30 Rock, S06E08)

  • Why is "Guest" formatted in a different typeface? (Parks and Recreation, S04E15)
  • "Remember me as the man who pulled down the screen." (The Office, S08E15)
  • "Anderson's three pillars of retail – crucial, so important. [pause] Next. …Are there any questions?" (The Office, S08E15)
  • "We'll smash the furniture like he was chasing you around all rape-y. Fortunately, he's Italian, so that shouldn't be too hard to sell." (Archer, S03E08)
  • "Potato, podildo." (Archer, S03E08)
  • "The classic Irishman's dilemma: Do I eat the potato now or let it ferment so I can drink it later?" (Archer, S03E08)
  • "A pot of coffee just like I like my women – black, bitter, preferably fair trade." (Archer, S03E08)
  • JWoww's outfit (Jersey Shore, S05E07)
  • "You invite Reggie Jackson, you have to consume anything with his name on it."
    "This scotch is disgusting also. This is Reggie-brand scotch, isn't it?"
    "It's called 'Reg-otch.' That's the thing that really bothers me…" (The Life and Times of Tim, S03E10)
  • Edgy Tim Meadows (The Life and Times of Tim, S03E10)
  • Jackass' Danger Ehren on Portlandia (S02E07)
  • "How often a week are you licking shit?" (An Idiot Abroad, S02E05)
  • "White butler's really into it." (Saturday Night Live, S37E15)


C'était pas tout l'histoire

Spike Lee reppin' the high school alma mater of this website's namesake

Spike Lee is the black Kevin Smith.

—Huh. Lin's number in high school was 4, a homophone of "die" in Mandarin.
—Were un-trademarked Adam Riff and Jeremy Lin classmates?
—I don't think so. Adam was in Seth's class, and Seth was one class below me, so Adam is at least four years older than Lin. So no. Adam's brother might have been classmates with Lin.

Regarding ESPN's "Chink in the Armor" headline: Jeremy Lin's Xanga handle was "chinkballa88." Is this like how it's okay for black people to use the word "nigger"?

Also: Lin labeled one of the photos on his Xanga "Homogay_Birthday."

Paying it backward?

My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the Empire State

Previously on Adam Riff&#8482:
Idea: Michael Jackson, 2Pac, Jim Morrison, and Elvis as a covert league of extraordinary gentlemen. They didn't really die; they are just what Gotham needed them to be.

Idea: What if the members of SEAL Team Six were all famous recluses? What if they actually became black operatives?

What if Bill Watterson killed Osama bin Laden?

What if Amelia Earhart was Team Six's first recruit? What if she staged Hitler's suicide?

In Discovery's newest competition series MACHINES OF GLORY, three construction crews compete in outrageous challenges while operating massive machines like excavators, backhoes and skid steers.

"There hasn't been a heavy equipment competition show like MACHINES OF GLORY," said executive producer Scott Hallock. [source]

Have there been any heavy equipment competition shows?

One of the challenges has to be operating heavy machinery while UI, no?

"I can operate that chain trencher after consuming 11 tablets of Benadryl."
"I can operate that chain trencher after consuming 12."
"Operate that chain trencher!"

Coming Attractions

Life and Freaky Times of Uncle Luke is an adaptation of the 1962 French short La Jetée starring Luther "Uncle Luke" Campbell of 2 Live Crew.

Told through a series of art installations, the film recounts Luke's rise to fame as he changes the face of hip-hop, fights for first amendment rights, and ushers Miami into a golden era of peace and prosperity as mayor. Everything changes when a nuclear meltdown turns Miami into a radioactive wasteland filled with mutants, and Luke is the only survivor.

Related: 2 Live Crew is reuniting this summer?! As Nasty As They Wanna Be changed my life. That album, and Weird Al's Off the Deep End.

Rubber Bordello is a silent, black-and-white fetish film set to a ragtime soundtrack by Fat Mike of NOFX.

The jesting sticks mostly to the song titles, such as "Citizen Caned" and "Bitch Cassidy."

"Butch Cassidy is one of the characters in the film," Fat Mike explains. "They sodomize him and start calling him Bitch Cassidy. The song 'Fucking Machine Gun Etiquette' is a play on the Damned song 'Machine Gun Etiquette,' and there is a scene that has a fucking machine. We got one that's framed in wood so it looks real old-school and fits perfect with the movie." [source]