"If there's a single lesson that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so. Words and thoughts don't change anything. Language and reality are kept strictly apart—reality is tough, unyielding stuff, and it doesn't care what you think or feel or say about it. Or it shouldn't. You deal with it, and you get on with your life."
"Little children don't know that. Magical thinking: that's what Fraud called it. Once we learn otherwise we cease to be children. The separation of word and thing is the essential fact on which our adult lives are founded." 
"I think you're magical because you're unhappy. A magician is strong because he feels pain. He feels the difference between what the world is and what he would make of it. Or what did you think that stuff in your chest was? A magician is strong because he hurts more than others. His wound is his strength."
"Most people carry that pain around inside them their whole lives, until they kill the pain by other means, or until it kills them. But you, my friends, you found another way: a way to use the pain. To burn it as fuel, for light and warmth. You have learned to break the world that has tried to break you." 
I just finished reading The Magicians by Lev Grossman, and am eager to dive into its sequel, The Magician King.
Fox is developing a network television series adaptation of The Magicians. Godspeed. Lost was a hit, and The Magicians is mighty similar to Lost.
When I was young, I dreamed of escaping from a straitjacket while trapped inside a water torture tank with a spinning buzzsaw descending from above and a fire growing below – "Triple Jeopardy."
Nowadays, I dream of a performing a flourish routine set to this song that culminates with me somehow converting my head into a ball maze and then navigating a ping pong ball from the back of my head to my mouth with only the use of my neck.
"The problem with growing up is that once you're grown up, people who aren't grown up aren't fun anymore." 
—Sod it. Set the time machine to just after Brett Ratner was fired.
—More show, less masturbation.
—We open with the Academy president, then a montage of all the "best picture" nominees set to This Will Destroy You's "The Mighty Rio Grande," then MC Terry Crews.
—It's past time to scrap the "best original song" category. No performances of negligible "best original song" nominees. Instead, we fill the telecast with performances of sexier soundtrack highlights from the past year. I picture, in this order:
Bruno Mars – "It Will Rain" (from Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 1)
The National – "Think You Can Wait" (from Win Win)
Karen O, Trent Reznor, and Atticus Ross – "Immigrant Song" (from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo)
Carey Mulligan – "New York, New York" (from Shame)
College feat. Electric Youth – "A Real Hero" (from Drive)
—Set the "in memoriam" necrology to the "A Real Hero" performance. If The National are unavailable, book Teenage Fanclub to perform "The Concept" (from Young Adult).
—No montages besides the "best picture" nominees one at the beginning, and no comedy sketches or dancers or acrobats. Instead, we world premiere footage from upcoming 2012 releases throughout the telecast. Give viewers reasons to be as excited about cinema as the Academy is. I want to unveil footage from The Dark Knight Rises, and Rian Johnson's Looper, and Quentin Tarantino's Django Unchained, and Wes Anderson's Moonrise Kingdom, and John Hillcoat's The Wettest Country, and Andrew Dominik's Cogan's Trade, and David Chase's Twylight Zones, and Alfonso Cuarón's Gravity, and David O. Russell's The Silver Linings Playbook, and Peter Jackson's The Hobbit, and Ang Lee's Life of Pi, and Baz Luhrmann's The Great Gatsby…
I need to find a way to be in London on August 12.
I think one of my cousins lives there.
Idea: A Blur/Gorillaz joint tour.
Has any musical artist ever toured with two of his or her projects? I know Conor Oberst played with both Desaparecidos and Bright Eyes at a benefit concert, but I mean a full tour opening for yourself.
Once upon a time, I envisioned a tour on which Sparta and The Mars Volta opened for At the Drive-In.
Idea: A wedding reception roast. Instead of toasting the bride and groom – roasting them. The head table doubles as a dais.
Steroids era players should be elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame with the caveat that their inductions will be roasts.
The Baseball Hall of Fame Induction Roast of Mark McGwire!
Bar Mitzvah roast. Take it like a man.
Romantic Comedy Idea: A man discovers that the woman he's seeing has been adapting their dates into porno videos. The woman initially dates him purely for material to adapt into porno videos, but then she falls in love with him, but then he discovers her porno videos when a buddy of his sends him a link to one. He sees the woman he's dating with a man who resembles him and realizes that he's watching a re-enactment of one of their dates.
The woman's "best friend" is the man's porno stand-in.
"I'm from Tottenham! You don't mess around with people from Tottenham." (The River, S01E03)
"Where do people use cash?!" Cut to Dewey in a strip club (Justified, S03E05)
"Every group needs a Dave."
"Yes, like in Dave Matthews Band! Carter Beauford is the Dave." (Happy Endings, S02E14)
"You getting mugged just proves what I said to you on the phone – New York is a selfish filth monster and eventually it gets all of us. It's Ghostbusters 2 all over again."
"No, my getting mugged was New York doing what she does best – calling a great man to action. It's the originalGhostbusters all over again." (30 Rock, S06E08)
"You can try to change New York, but it's like Jay-Z says: 'Concrete bunghole where dreams are made up / There's nothing you can do.'" (30 Rock, S06E08)
Why is "Guest" formatted in a different typeface? (Parks and Recreation, S04E15)
"Remember me as the man who pulled down the screen." (The Office, S08E15)
"Anderson's three pillars of retail – crucial, so important. [pause] Next. …Are there any questions?" (The Office, S08E15)
"We'll smash the furniture like he was chasing you around all rape-y. Fortunately, he's Italian, so that shouldn't be too hard to sell." (Archer, S03E08)
"Potato, podildo." (Archer, S03E08)
"The classic Irishman's dilemma: Do I eat the potato now or let it ferment so I can drink it later?" (Archer, S03E08)
"A pot of coffee just like I like my women – black, bitter, preferably fair trade." (Archer, S03E08)
JWoww's outfit (Jersey Shore, S05E07)
"You invite Reggie Jackson, you have to consume anything with his name on it."
"This scotch is disgusting also. This is Reggie-brand scotch, isn't it?"
"It's called 'Reg-otch.' That's the thing that really bothers me…" (The Life and Times of Tim, S03E10)
Edgy Tim Meadows (The Life and Times of Tim, S03E10)
Jackass' Danger Ehren on Portlandia (S02E07)
"How often a week are you licking shit?" (An Idiot Abroad, S02E05)
"White butler's really into it." (Saturday Night Live, S37E15)
Spike Lee reppin' the high school alma mater of this website's namesake
Spike Lee is the black Kevin Smith.
—Huh. Lin's number in high school was 4, a homophone of "die" in Mandarin.
—Were un-trademarked Adam Riff and Jeremy Lin classmates?
—I don't think so. Adam was in Seth's class, and Seth was one class below me, so Adam is at least four years older than Lin. So no. Adam's brother might have been classmates with Lin.
Regarding ESPN's "Chink in the Armor" headline: Jeremy Lin's Xanga handle was "chinkballa88." Is this like how it's okay for black people to use the word "nigger"?
Also: Lin labeled one of the photos on his Xanga "Homogay_Birthday."
Life and Freaky Times of Uncle Luke is an adaptation of the 1962 French short La Jetée starring Luther "Uncle Luke" Campbell of 2 Live Crew.
Told through a series of art installations, the film recounts Luke's rise to fame as he changes the face of hip-hop, fights for first amendment rights, and ushers Miami into a golden era of peace and prosperity as mayor. Everything changes when a nuclear meltdown turns Miami into a radioactive wasteland filled with mutants, and Luke is the only survivor.
Rubber Bordello is a silent, black-and-white fetish film set to a ragtime soundtrack by Fat Mike of NOFX.
The jesting sticks mostly to the song titles, such as "Citizen Caned" and "Bitch Cassidy."
"Butch Cassidy is one of the characters in the film," Fat Mike explains. "They sodomize him and start calling him Bitch Cassidy. The song 'Fucking Machine Gun Etiquette' is a play on the Damned song 'Machine Gun Etiquette,' and there is a scene that has a fucking machine. We got one that's framed in wood so it looks real old-school and fits perfect with the movie." [source]