The Year of the Dragon, the Chinese-iest of Chinese zodiac years, begins today.
"Jon, do you have any green shirts?"
"Green shirts? What am I, a Ducks fan?"
"What?"
"Nothing. Uhhh, yes, I have a few green shirts."
"You need to wear a green shirt on Monday, and a green sweater or jacket, if you wear a sweater or jacket."
"Green tops. Got it."
"And you need to wear blue pants, and blue underwear."
My mother is into Chinese astrology.
"This is a dire year for you, Jon."
"I know. I turn 30 in October."
"No, I mean, the Dragon is least compatible with the Dog. Do you have any green cord?"
"Green cord?"
"Every day this year, you need to tie green cord around your waist, like a belt, to counter the Dragon. You can wear a green bracelet instead, if you prefer."
[pause]
"Also, you can't eat seafood on Monday, or chicken eggs."
This reads like an asian version ofJack Donaghy's life with his mother.