I am not the Chinese kid from Goonies

The original Alvin and the Chipmunks film outgrossed Disney's Ratatouille, and Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel not only outgrossed the original, but also Disney's G-Force (by $100 million). Chipmunks > rats and guinea pigs. Disney should at least consider a Rescue Rangers film.

Idea: A Super Smash Bros.–type video game featuring characters from the Disney AfternoonDisney Afternoon Melee. Kit Cloudkicker vs. Megavolt vs. Miranda Wright vs. Goliath inside Uncle Scrooge's money bin.

// Glee

From the hairstylist of Spinner on Degrassi: Puck's crooked, furry, mohawk comb-over.

// Being Human

Russell Tovey is leaving too?

—Well, the show introduced a replacement werewolf last season, the one played by the brother of Kelly on Misfits.
—No George, no Mitchell, no Herrick – might as well reboot à la Skins instead of transitioning around the weak link ghost.

// A Thousand Words (trailer)

He's singing the Chili's baby back ribs jingle – topical!

Nicolas Cage produced this?

From the director of Norbit and Meet Dave, the writer of Jack and Jill, and Nicolas Cage: Eddie Murphy…

Jim Carrey could've completed a "man who can't say _____" film hat trick (lies/'no'/more than a thousand words).

Morrissey gets a job

I love this city enough that I'll set it ablaze

I'm currently reading Chuck Klosterman's The Visible Man. Because I can't highlight my copy:

Solitary people are generally more engaged with mass media. They have no alternative. [127]

What kind of person immigrated to the New World? Not counting slaves, there were only four types, really: people who didn't think Europe was religious enough, people who thought they could make a lot of money, antisocial failures with no other option, and fruitcakes who thought risking their lives on an alien shore might make for an interesting adventure. Those are the four components of the American gene pool. [133]

Car sick vacations in size eleven

Jon: Mike Martz as UCLA's next head coach? Herm Edwards? Tom Cable? Jim Mora Jr.? [facepalm]
Rory: UCLA should hold on-the-job auditions next season and document it for HBO. Each week, a different head coach. Week one: Mike Martz. Week two: Herm Edwards.
Jon: "On the next UCLA 24/7: Norv Turner."

BG theorized that Aubrey Plaza is this generation's Mary Lynn Rajskub, and I thought: 24 parody starring Chris Pratt as Bert Macklin and Aubrey Plaza as his Chloe O'Brian.

Vegas should offer a bet on whether Sue Grafton will complete her Kinsey Millhone series before she dies. "V" Is for Vengeance was just released, so four books remain. She is 71 years old and writing at a pace of one Millhone book every two years.

Rory: "Z" Is for Zero is divided into two books. She croaks before she can finish part two.

The floors are falling out from everybody I know

—Is this trailer for Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked real life?
—Fox is just trolling parents of young children now.
—The girl chipmunks are played by Adam Sandler.

—Didn't you post about chipmunks singing "Bad Romance" on Adam Riff™?
I did! Forgot…
—According to the soundtrack, they sing "Party Rock Anthem" too.
Rodents love LMFAO.

—I'd be more keen on seeing New Year's Eve if Eddie Murphy played every role.
—That's the next one – Mardi Gras.

"We make out in your Mustang to Radiohead"? Making out to Radiohead?
—Maybe Radiohead just happened to be playing on his car stereo when they made out. Actually, you can make out to a fair amount of Radiohead's oeuvre.

Making Out to Radiohead should be a reality competition.

"Making out to 'The Gloaming': Frank Maslar and his partner Ali Krieger."

"Ladies and gentlemen, the judges have their scores."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

47. Manny Horvitz, The Unkillable Kosher Butcher (Boardwalk Empire, S02E09)

Honourable mention:
» Poo handshake (Boss, S01E05)
» Andre the Giant gets an ice cream (Saturday Night Live, S37E07)
» Josh Krajcik – "Wild Horses" (The X Factor, 11-22-11)
» Bang bang (Sons of Anarchy, S04E12)
» Drunk dwarf throws up over his own penis (Life's Too Short, S01E03)

Stray observations:
» "No one talks to my long-haired jizz expert like that!" (Workaholics, S02E10)
» "I just want to say that what you're doing is cool. It's really cool. It's like when I saw Ace Ventura in that super confusing spotless sunshine movie that had the Titanic lady with the mid-size naturals. Well, the movie pretty much sucked, but I respected Ace Ventura for taking a risk, and that's what you're doing." (Suburgatory, S01E08)
» "Do you know what's illegal in Europe? Nothing!" (Modern Family, S03E09)


India Talent Show – Warriors of Goja
The Agony of Defeat (passed 3000 posts this week)

California runs long on a broken, broken lung

On one of the first nights of shooting, Fincher and his crew were in Sweden, filming a murder scene that takes place alongside a gloomy dock. But after a night's work, Fincher didn't have the shot he wanted, and the film's ultratight schedule meant he wouldn't be able to return for months.

When Fincher began planning the reshoot, he learned that the property had been sold to one of the guys in ABBA. Apparently, the new owner—either Benny or Björn, it's not really clear—wasn't thrilled at the prospect of having his evening stroll interrupted by a simulated drowning, and he refused to let the crew come back. Rather than find a new location or make do with the footage he had, Fincher decided to build his own Swedish dock.

"ABBA's dock isn't cool. You know what's cool?"

Director David Fincher Takes on The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

That same old crowd that drags me down

F: Every time Joe Buck gets excited, his forehead grows.

Jon: Joe Buck was only 25 when Fox hired him?

Jon: It kills me that Joe Buck is longtime friends with Paul Rudd and Jon Hamm.
F: Did you know that Jon Hamm dated Sarah Clarke in high school?
Jon: Oh? Don Draper and Nina Myers, sitting in a tree…

Jon: I said "tart," not "pie."
B: What's the difference?
Jon: A cup of corn syrup. I don't care for the goo underneath the pecans.

Jon: Pumpkin pie is re-purposed baby food.

Jon: 19 of iTunes' top songs are by or feature Rihanna. If you round up, that's ten percent of the top songs.
B: Well, she just released an album.
Jon: Album filler shouldn't count for top songs.

Jon: 11 of iTunes' top songs are by or feature Drake. Name one.

Jon: Why is everyone dogging The Lost World this week? NO, Jurassic Park III is NOT better!

Jon: I pity people who cannot enjoy a T. rex on the loose in San Diego.

Jon: The Human Centipede 3: Centurducken.

The United States of Documentaries

I don't own any albums, I don't know anything

—Surely there are people who wish to join a fraternity but don't receive any bids.
—I hear the Greek council or whatever will find houses for them.
—Charity cases?

—One of my classmates in high school applied to all then-eight UCs and was somehow rejected from all eight. Asian student too…

Sports journalists will note when a college football game is a homecoming game, like it means something. "The team lost its homecoming game." Okay…

—For all other games, we eat both chametz and matzah.

Who returns for college homecoming, besides honourees?

Also: College yearbooks – whuck?

Idea: Survivor: High School Reunion. Two tribes, rival schools, same graduating class, assorted students.

Saturday Night Live's 25 Most Repeated Characters

Between Pacific Coasts

FLAVOR BLASTED…with vanilla.

What is "sockboarding"?

Urban Dictionary: "The act of masturbation utilizing a sock or women's [sic] panyhose."

No. Xtreme the vanilla-cupcake-blasted goldfish is definitely not the super star of jacking off with a sock. Fish don't masturbate anyway.

ChaCha: "Sock Boarding is when people wear [sic] sock and go sliding around on hard floors, like linoleum."

Risky fishness? No. Fish don't have feet.

How does a fish ride a board?

Never change, Yahoo! Answers.

Anxiety Farts

My favourite film of the year so far is Austria's Michael (2011), about a paedophile and the 10-year-old boy he holds captive in the basement of his home. It contains some indelible scenes and would pair well with Dogtooth for a double feature.

I saw a sign advertising "scalp pigmentation" for men who are bald or balding.

"Are some men so insecure that they can't wait for the sun to create an even head tan?" I thought.

Turns out "scalp pigmentation" is tattooing artificial stubble on your head to conceal baldness.


If you're gonna pay for fake hair, pay for more hair!

Rory: The villain in The Expendables 2, played by Jean-Claude Van Damme, is named "Jean Vilain."
Jon: Isn't Jet Li's character named "Yin Yang"?

IMDb » The Expendables 2 » full cast and crew

Jon: Yup. Yin Yang.
Jon: Terry Crews' character is named "Hale Caesar."
Jon: Randy Couture is "Toll Road."

Jon: Asbestos Felt – that can't be his real name.
Rory: I thought the same about Shotgun Spratling, and…his name is fuckin' Shotgun Spratling.

Todd English: A Life In Photos
Duke Derp

10th and Crenshaw

—Hey, is your iPhone a 4S?

—Is your iPhone a 4S?

—Is that the latest iPhone?
—Can I borrow it for a minute?
—Thanks. Excuse me…

—What can I help you with?
—Are any retailers offering Black Friday deals on pubic hair trimmers?

Can you name the traps in Home Alone?
Can you name the traps in Home Alone 2?

Idea: A Home Alone reboot set during the Renaissance. Kevino Michelallister befriends Leonardo da Vinci, thwarts bandits with da Vinci's inventions.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

46. Sorbet (The League, S03E08)

Honourable mention:
» Someone Like You (Saturday Night Live, S37E06)
» Carrie and Brody seemingly lay all their cards on the table (Homeland, S01E07)
» Double True Daily Doubles (Jeopardy!, 11-14-11)
» WWE in 5 Seconds (WWE Raw, 11-14-11)
» Rumour Has It / Someone Like You / Finn slap (Glee, S03E06)
» Charlie dances (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S07E10)

Special recognition:

» The Simpsons, S23E05
"This game has all the best college marching bands, from the precision footwork of Ohio State, to the lame, dead-on-arrival humour of Stanford!" / Tim and Eric's food blog song / "My kids do not eat sorbet. They eat sherbet, and pronounce it sher-bert! And they wish it was ice cream!" / Ratatouille reference

» Family Guy, S10E05
"What's with Meg's voice? She sounds like someone who's about to give up a huge opportunity." / Kool-Aid Man reprise / "Thank God their follow-up attack on St. Louis was a bust."

Stray observations:

» "I've never been to Portland." / "That's a little predictable, isn't it? Isn't that where all serial killers go?" (Dexter, S06E07)

» "People don't have breakfast together. It's not like a social event. You're just getting it inside you, okay? It's basically just the opposite of shitting." (Fresh Meat, S01E08)

» "You look like Keri Russell after she ruined Felicity." / "You look like a Jonas uncle." / "Temple Grandin!" / "It's Pat!" (Happy Endings, S02E07)

» "Penn State prefers to be losing at halftime. Because at Penn State, they like when you're a little behind in the locker room." / "On a scale from 1 to 10, how old should you be to stay away from Penn State?" (South Park, S15E14)

» "Happiness eludes me. Perhaps a trip to the theatre will enliven my spirits." (The Office, S08E08)

» "They're trying to make gelato look exciting." (Beavis and Butt-head, S09E05)

» "He's pulling out Spider-Mans left and right. You know, when you nut in your hand and you just…on the window." / "Why would I use Noxzema?" / "Because it's cold and tingly, like a girl's vagina." (The League, S03E08)


Crate and Barrel Furniture or Character from The Wire?
Which TV Show Rich People Hate the Most, and 27 Other Unexpected Ratings Facts

Latinos Love New Girl
It's the No. 1 new show among Hispanic viewers aged 18-49.


I'm building a still to slow down the time

Last post on Los Angeles, and unsurprisingly, it's about food. Excluding old favourites I re-visited like Zankou's garlic sauce and Diddy Riese's chocolate chip cookies…


// Foie Gras, Biscuit, and Maple Sausage Gravy (Animal)

// Bacon Chocolate Crunch Bar with Salt and Pepper Ice Cream (Animal)

// Pork Butt and Pork Belly Banh Mi with Chicharrónes and Pickled Vegetables (ink.sack)

// Various Bread Puddings (Schulzies)
It's like ice cream made of bread. I'm stoked for the San Francisco outpost opening in February.

// Rattlesnake and Rabbit Sausage with Jalapeño Peppers (Wurstküche)

// Mac n Cheese Hand Pie (The Pie Hole)

// The $20 Special (Pizzeria Mozza)

plus: chips (Tinga), bacon (The Golden State), biscuit (Honey's Kettle Fried Chicken)


// Crispy Pig's Head with Pickled Vegetable Aioli (Animal)
The pickled stuff on my plate was too pickly.

// The José Andrés "Spanish Godfather" Sandwich: Serrano, Chorizo, Lomo, Manchego (ink.sack)
Es muy salado. Yo puedo rechazar.

// Knuckle Sandwich (A-Frame)
"Braised bowl of oxtail, tendons, knuckles and other forgotten pieces served with soy chili dipping sauce and toasted bread." I misread its description and expected a composed sandwich. I received this:

Gelatinous offal on sturdy bread is an unpleasant textural contrast.

// The Lazy Ox Canteen
I'm still angry at myself for eating here. Overpriced, underdelivered.

// Old Rasputin Beer Float with Scoops' Brown Bread Ice Cream (The Golden State)
The two did not mix smoothly.

I was unable to try Scoops' peanut butter and bacon ice cream and Crème Caramel's caramelized bacon and caramel bread pudding during my time in Los Angeles, so my bacon desserts total for this year stands at a paltry four:

1. Bacon Doughnuts with Dulce de Leche and Coffee Ice Cream (Traif)
2. Chocolate Ice Cream and Cookies Sandwich with Bacon Marmalade (Big Gay Ice Cream Shop)
3. Bacon Chocolate Crunch Bar with Salt and Pepper Ice Cream (Animal)
4. Bacon Cornbread Cupcake with Honey Buttercream (Frosted Cupcakery)


Escape Trip: Convenience Store
an adventure game in which you play a character trapped inside a convenience store

Pass No Bills, Will Obstruct

Will LAX offer free wi-fi already? Every other major airport in California does.

I read Colson Whitehead's Zone One whilst in Los Angeles. I wish I could compose sentences like his.

The Exes. Newman on Seinfeld, Turk on Scrubs… Who is the woman?
—Sally on 3rd Rock from the Sun.
—G_d, TV Land is where former NBC sitcom stars go to die – Rose on The Golden Girls, Daphne on Frasier, Nina on Just Shoot Me!, Jack on Just Shoot Me!
—Must Eat TV.

Idea: A TV Land original sitcom generator. [Silver Spring], starring [Helen on Wings], [Laverne on Empty Nest], and [Richard on Caroline in the City].

I will never tire of film and television scenes set in minefields.

Idea: A Food Network Challenge in which contestants must transfer their showpieces through a minefield.

You know mainstream rock is dead when KROQ books Bush and 311 for its 2011 Almost Acoustic Christmas.

2011 Almost Acoustic Christmas: Bush, 311, Blink-182, New Found Glory
2001 Almost Acoustic Christmas: Bush, 311, Blink-182, Coldplay
1999 Almost Acoustic Christmas: Bush, 311, Blink-182, Fiona Apple
1996 Almost Acoustic Christmas: Bush, 311, Orbital, Eels
1995 Almost Acoustic Christmas: Bush, Radiohead, Sonic Youth, Wesley Willis
1994 Almost Acoustic Christmas: Dinosaur Jr., The Jesus and Mary Chain, Meat Puppets, Sunny Day Real Estate, Weezer

new favorite accidentally found flickr stream
New favourite Twitter!