I decorated my porch with shark fin soup, foie gras, and Taco Bell's beef, and am eager to distribute Candy Corn Dots to children as a zombie Foxconn factory employee.
Last week, I conceived a post – This Week in "No Homo" – and scrapped it after discovering that "no homo" use on Twitter is relentless.
Among the four hours worth of tweets containing "no homo" that I bothered to sift through, I noticed that, in addition to typical insecure "no homo"s, some people used "no homo" like a self-referential "that's what she said."
I HATE this NBA lockout…I need some pro-ball action, man…no homo.
Instead of "no homo" as "that may sound effeminate, but I assure you that I am masculine," "no homo" as "that kinda sounds homo-erotic, heh."
Series 3-2 Rangers v.s cardinals goin hard -No homo-
Freese came up huge twice. no homo
I also noticed women using "no homo," which is odd to me.
If a woman uses "no homo" like a man typically uses it… Translation: "I am not effeminate. I am masculine. I am butch. Yes homo?"
And if "no homo" means "that may sound masculine, but I assure you that I am effeminate," it's a generally irrelevant qualifier.
"She looks hot. No homo." A woman thinks another woman looks hot? Shrug.
"I changed the oil in your car. No homo." Okay…
One case where a woman using "no homo" works: "No homo. No homo." "No homo ['I am not attracted to women.']. No homo ['That sounded crass. I don't normally speak like that.']."
You know you watch too much television when you recognize Piney's cabin on Sons of Anarchy as the cabin in the season one finale of Justified.
43. Boardwalk Empire sizzle reel (Boardwalk Empire, S02E05)
» Mid-stairwell sex (Boss, S01E01)
» Frasier discards severed human ears in a garbage disposal (Boss, S01E01)
» Troy's horror story (Community, S03E05)
» Robert's horror story (The Office, S08E05)
» "I don't want to be Snoopy! I want to be a pretty girl!" (American Horror Story, S01E04)
» "Gay marriage!" (Community, S03E05)
» "Some cartridge that says 'Sonic' and 'Hedgehog'…" (Parks and Recreation, S04E05)
» "Is this Florida?" (Beavis and Butt-Head, S09E01)
» "Mr. Falconing sons of birds!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S07E07)
» Happy Endings, S02E05 ("Sorry, I don't actually work here. This is just a costume.")
» South Park, S15E11 ("Merrily We Roll Along, bro!")
» The League, S03E04 ("Dude, and I dyed my pubes white like Brian's, so my dick is terrifying.")
About half of the nation's 50,000 motels are owned or controlled by immigrants who trace their origin to the state of Gujarat in western India, many with the last name Patel.
But hundreds of those hotel and motel owners now are fighting foreclosure, while others have lost their properties to lenders, said Hemant Patel, chairman of the Asian American Hotel Owners Association. The Atlanta trade group represents nearly 10,000 immigrants of Gujarati descent in the U.S. with lodging properties valued at an estimated $130 billion.
Why hasn't this secret world of Gujarati motel owners surnamed Patel been the subject of a documentary film yet?
Previously on Adam Riff™:
Before I owned an MP3 player, I burned a spindle full of unmarked CD-R mixes, and I thought it would be fun to randomly re-visit one track by track.
1. Hilltop Hoods – "1979"
Jonny Nail nominated this song to represent Australia on The Olympic Album. I ended up using another Hilltop Hoods song that he nominated, but penciled this song in for a planned "time machine" compilation of songs with a year in their title. That mix would've also included: Alkaline Trio's "'97," Brandtson's "Circa 1991," and Pedro the Lion's "June 18, 1976."
3. Zebrahead – "Anthem"
When pondering the swaggest guitarist I have ever seen live, I always picture Greg Bergdorf at the El Rey in 2001.
4. HORSE the band – "Anti-Pizza"
Okay, the Pizza EP was fall 2006, two years after I bought my first iPod, but I didn't want to spend money on a device to connect it to my car's stereo during commutes to and from my doomed internship at Hudson, so I burned CD mixes.
5. Bomb the Music Industry! – "Anywhere I Lay My Head (Tom Waits cover)"
Ron Ben-Israel: "Chiptune-y…"
It normally bugs me when a vocalist tries to sound like the vocalist whom he or she is covering. Jeff Rosenstock's Tom Waits is an exception.
6. Sparta – "Atlas"
I completely forgot about this song.
7. Fall Out Boy – "Dance, Dance (RJD2 Remix)"
Imagine if Fall Out Boy formed today, with the quartet's current musical interests – Patrick (funk, soul, rhythm and blues), Pete (reggaeton, electro-pop), Joe and Andy (metal).
8. The Rapture – "Don Go Do It"
Chris Castle so indoctrinated me to Echoes during a trip to his grandfather's cabin in the Puget Sound that I cannot embrace poppier Rapture, or The Rapture A.E. (after Echoes).
9. Brandtson – "Earthquakes and Sharks"
A pop hit that never was. Modest Mouse "Float On" comparisons are apt.
10. The Radical Dudez – "Girls Who Play in the Snow"
Ben forwarded me this song. For reasons unbeknownst to me, Ben attended university in Canada, where he befriended the members of this band. If you only listen to one song about missing Canada while studying abroad in the UK…
11. Plain White T's – "Hate (I Really Don't Like You)"
I am puzzled as to why I included this song.
12. Mark Ronson – "Just (feat. Alex Greenwald) [Radiohead cover]"
Love at first listen. My favourite Radiohead song plus brass instruments? The trumpet solo half of its bridge is sublime.
13. Streetlight Manifesto – "Keasbey Nights"
Did I mention that I love brass instruments?
14. Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly – "Once More with Feeling"
Bands I won't listen to because their name is too stupid: AWOLNATION, Thee Oh Sees.
15. Swollen Members – "Put Me On (feat. Everlast)"
Sometimes I'm embarrassed to enjoy songs by a group that approves album covers like these:
16. Ghostland Observatory – "Sad Sad City"
Someone recorded a drum cover?
17. Saves the Day – "Sell My Old Clothes, I'm Off to Heaven (Acoustic)"
Chris Conley and Vagrant inexplicably wasted the original on a sampler.
18. Patrick Stump – "So Sick (Ne-Yo cover)"
Boy can sing. He's like a young Josh Krajcik.
19. HORSE the band – "T.M.N.T. (animated series theme song cover)"
Keyboardist Erik Engstrom stated that if he could delete anything from Horse the Band's catalog, it would be the Pizza EP. [source]
20. Sparta – "Taking Back Control"
Was this song on the Fantastic Four (2005) soundtrack? No, I'm thinking of Taking Back Sunday's "Error Operator." I confuse the two.
21. Bedouin Soundclash – "When the Night Feels My Song"
Ben also attended university with and knows the members of this band.
22. Stars – "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead"
Ben did not attend university with Stars.
I will forever associate this song with Degrassi: The Next Generation's season five finale. It was beautifully incorporated into one of the series' best episodes.
Yes, Kanye. PLEASE DO!!!
"He even showed up at Occupy Wall Street."
…wearing gold teeth and flannel by Givenchy. Kanye West doesn't care about brown people.
Kanye: [ahem] I got a plan. Run away fast as you can.
Idea: An ESPN spelling bee. Contestants try to spell the names of various athletes for a $100,000 prize.
You may omit capitalization and diacritics, but you must include any spaces, hyphens, or apostrophes. Moreover, as athlete nomenclature is illogical, you may misspell once – double-elimination format.
—Is he an active athlete?
—Which sport does he play?
—Which team does he play for?
—Kiehl Frazier. K-Y-L…E, space, F-R-A-Z-I-E-R. Kiehl Frazier.
Have the promoters of this festival listened to Cobra Starship? Or any music since the turn of the millennium?
The "genitalia" are obviously clothed in green for chroma keying. I'd like to see the raw footage.
Previously on Adam Riff™:
GH: We shot this mockumentary thing about — because everybody used to joke that Rob looked like Haley Joel Osment — Rob playing Haley Joel Osment in his twenties, years later, and Charlie played Frankie Muniz years later.
Shame that Rob McElhenney lost the weight he gained, because he could play Haley Joel Osment in his twenties.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia should produce a bizarro episode in which Haley Joel Osment plays Mac, Frankie Muniz plays Charlie, and Jonathan Lipnicki plays Dennis.
What kind of selling point is "from the producers of Grown Ups"? The marketing for Tower Heist at least conceals that it's directed by Brett Ratner.
Features guest appearances from Dane Cook, Chad Kroeger and Nuno Bettencourt
Oh. It's made in England. Still, not sure any girls fantasize about avoiding aerial bombings. Rename it "1940 girl" or something.
A boy World War II evacuee costume is available too. No "sexy" ones, though.
Jon: Oooh! Thrice is playing in Los Angeles during my trip. Where is the Mayan?
Ogre: Downtown. Near Staples.
Jon: Oof. That's like four hours round-trip via public transportation. I've endured it before, though.
Jon: I haven't been back to Los Angeles since…2008? The Dark Knight's opening weekend. As such, I'm compiling a dining hit list.
B: Can I see?
B: "Chick-fil-A, Del Taco, Sonic…" [pause]
Jon: It's a work in progress.
Jon: Oh. Can I borrow Felix's Disneyland pass?
B: Sure. I'm not sure you'll be able to use it, though. His face is on the card, and you don't resemble him at all.
B: How are you gonna get to Disneyland without a car?
Jon: You'd be surprised at how many people I know in Los Angeles who like going to Disneyland.
Robot: Thrice is playing in Downtown Disney too. Two birds, one stone.
Jon: Alas, Disneyland and Thrice fandom are mutually exclusive among my mates. Maaaaaybe Warplayer.
From the culinary imagineers behind setting sweet potatoes that look like charcoal on fire, and noodles made from chicken:
Chocolate, Pumpkin Pie
I'm tempted to fly to Chicago just to try it.
[at the sky] "I already followed up Never Let Me Go with a Kia ad in which hamsters and space marines dance to LMFAO!"
Another mark, now obscure, is the point d'ironie, sometimes known as a "snark." A back-to-front question mark, it was deployed by the 16th-century printer Henry Denham to signal rhetorical questions. More recently, the difficulty of detecting irony and sarcasm in electronic communication has prompted fresh calls for a revival of the point d'ironie.
I think I'll begin using them. I'm sure Josh in Bloomington will dig it
42. Unfit to appear in public, Scott Hall appears in public
(E:60 – "The Wrestler: The Scott Hall Story," 10-19-11)
» Sketching Richard (Boardwalk Empire, S02E04)
» Damian Lewis masturbates in front of a topless Morena Baccarin (Homeland, S01E03)
» Selena Gomez (South Park, S15E10)
• youreamurderer.ytmnd.com (American Horror Story, S01E03)
How'd it get burned?
Zach Galifianakis: You made him Mexican. In this country. They'll be all over him!
Patton Oswalt: I made him a Mexican airline pilot! The two things cancel each other out.
(Bored to Death, S03E02)
Galifianakis: Throw in another one of these pilot outfits.
Oswalt: I could have a fat pilot outfit in 20 minutes.
Galifianakis: No, I need one. This isn't for you.
(Bored to Death, S03E02)
Jane: You cannot give up so easily. What are you, LeBron in the fourth quarter? [affected laugh] I don't know what it means either, but Brad…Brad says it all the time.
(Happy Endings, S02E04)
Brad: You always have to do your own Max thing.
Max: My Max thing? What, being funny and surprising? And people are like, "There's Max. Watch what happens." Then other people are like, "Very funny." And then other people are like, "Characters welcome."
(Happy Endings, S02E04)
Max: Right now, I have to prioritize my hate, and it goes: her, cooked green peppers, and then back to you, champ.
(Happy Endings, S02E04)
Hayden: I am not going back to that NORMS!
(American Horror Story, S01E03)
Kevin: Taco, that's Matthew Berry.
Taco: Mr. Sunshine?
(The League, S03E03)
Andre: Tell me a girl who's not a fan of Mission: Impossible II.
(The League, S03E03)
Andre: You're the Mike Tolbert of my life!
(The League, S03E03)
On the eve of its 10th anniversary (same as Grand Theft Auto III's!), highlights from the first episode of Pardon the Interruption.
While waiting for my quarterly blood test, I saw this listed as a "toy of the year" in Disney's FamilyFun magazine:
Whipple Deluxe Pastry Set
With this sweet craft kit, kids can create little confections that look good enough to eat. (But don't do it!) Pipe the Whipple cream onto play food, then let it harden into treats that never go stale.
All you do is pipe cream? What a lousy toy.
At least with an Easy-Bake Oven, you can eat the fruits of your labour.
The creators of Big Love are developing China Doll, a drama about a mixed-race family and their humanoid robot. I assume the robot will carry the show, as white male/Asian female couples are typically, not uninteresting, but…vanilla.
Idea: A young, half-white, half-Asian professional mysteriously begins behaving 100 percent white at times, and 100 percent Asian at times – Dr. Jekyll and Mystery Side. It could be comedy (redneck white and FOB Asian) or horror (he is ashamed of one half).
Better yet, he shares a house with other mixed-race folk who suffer the same temporary condition. Mutts, an FX original series. Oh, the permutations.
A half-white, half-black stand-up comedian. "I do this, I do that!"
Half-Native American, half-Indian.
Bullhead is Belgium's 2011 Oscar submission, about a cattle farmer who confronts a horrific childhood trauma (spoiled below). Matthias Schoenaerts' lead performance is tremendous, reminiscent of Tom Hardy in Warrior.
Rory: I think I found my Halloween costume.
He sprinkled baby powder on it — what looked like a huge watermelon encased in a compression bandage — but the unmistakable smell of urine couldn't be completely smothered.
His penis is so buried in his scrotal tissue that he can't direct his urination and often sprays the area around him.
He can't sit down for a bowel movement and must catch it in the same kind of pail used in casinos for coins.
An acquaintance helped him pull the compression garment over his scrotum. That took at least 15 minutes.
He said he weighed his scrotum on a scale.
Jon: I want to be Indian engineer, but fear that people will just see blackface with a fake mustache.
Jon: I could lighten the pigment and be a Mexican-American who can't speak Spanish.
Rory: You could not do anything and be a Korean person.
Korn (KoRn?) recorded a dubstep album.
Family Values Tour 1998 – Where are they now?
Limp Bizkit: Fred Durst will produce and star in a comedy for CBS
Ice Cube: arguing with a bottle of Coors Light
Incubus: soft rock
Jord: you know we just recorded a new paddy bear album?
Game Show Sketch Idea: Name a Drake Song.
For an artist of his ubiquity, Drake lacks an iconic hit. He's like a character actor.
The Trip producer Andrew Eaton says that they have been approached by American producers about doing a US version with US actors and says he is open to that. [source]
—It could be the third season of Louie. Louis and Pamela.
—Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert.
—Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall.
Dear cashiers and baggers: Do unto others' chips…
Would you pay for potato shards?
—How do I eat this candy apple without slicing it? It's hard on hard.
—Caramel apple. A candy apple is…
—Whatever. It's an apple covered in candy.
—The stuff covering the apple may outweigh the apple itself.
—If you're gonna cover a fruit in shit, the fruit should be softer, like a pear, or smaller, like a plum.
—If state fairs ever run out of stuff to deep fry… Idea: Caramel produce. Carrots dipped in caramel and rolled in crushed Butterfingers, Rocky Road caramel figs…
After years in development, and this week spent re-designing it from scratch – twice, I am chuffed to finally unveil FuManTunes, the Adam Riff™ Media Empire's music library.
FuManTunes.adamriff.com (I'm loath to spend money on the domain name) launches with 26 downloadable titles from 2003-2011, many "re-mastered," and a few never before available digitally.
I considered adding Spotify playlists, but they would be incomplete. "Pee on You (Remix)"? "I Wipe My Ass on Your Novel"? Arcade Fire? Not available via Spotify.
Any feedback or [cough] donations would be appreciated.
—Heh. Josh Groban is also Walter Jr.
—The black teen on Suburgatory was Randy on The Wire?!
41. Winning (Breaking Bad, S04E13)
» Walter mid-self-lobotomy (Fringe, S04E03)
» Lenore buys a cake (Hung, S03E02)
» Trey records the voice of a Japanese man (6 Days to Air: The Making of South Park, 10-09-11)
» Juice kills Miles (Sons of Anarchy, S04E06)
» "The most nauseating challenge in Survivor history" (Survivor, S23E05)
» Speaking in acronyms (Suburgatory, S01E03)
» Marsh Vader (South Park, S15E09)
» Jeff rolls a 1 – Troy (Community, S03E04)
» Adam Scott cries while wearing a Batman costume (Parks and Recreation, S04E04)
» "Because of the marijuana, my whole life is like that film Memento." (Bored to Death, S03E01)
» "I'm turned on by powerful women – Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condoleezza Rice, Serena Williams… Wait a minute." (Modern Family, S03E05)
» "Encarta it." (Community, S03E04)