Better to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime

—You are at risk of robbery, rape and/or murder.
—Does your family know you're there?
—Be smart.

I concocted a cockamamie story about staying at a homeless shelter in New York City,

—With free wifi?

and Chad bought it.

—Oh. I'm at a Starbucks right now.

I've been in New York City for a week now, and my body refuses to adjust to the time difference. Falling asleep at 5:00 AM and waking at noon is brutal.

Kim: Why didn't you lock the door?
Jon: Because I'm inside the apartment.
Kim: What if a stranger entered?
Jon: I would notice. This is an apartment in Manhattan, not Versailles.

When I am king of the world, it will be illegal for retailers to bag single-item purchases.

Q: Which Chinatown is the best Chinatown in America?

—You can immediately eliminate Chicago, Philadelphia, and Boston.
—No love for smaller Chinatowns?
—I'm fond of the strip mall that is Las Vegas' Chinatown…

—Will you accept Monterey Park as Los Angeles' Chinatown?
—No. Only official Chinatowns.
—But no one visits Los Angeles' official Chinatown!

—Seattle's Chinatown is so pathetic, it has to share with other cultures.

—I think any debate of America's best Chinatown boils down to San Francisco vs. New York City – density vs. sprawl.
—Which New York City Chinatown, though? There are three.
—I'm partial to Flushing Chinatown.

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