Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

39. Anal Bleeding (WWE Raw, 09-26-11)

Special recognition:
» The last 10 minutes (Breaking Bad, S04E11)

Honourable mention:
» Satellite Delay (Saturday Night Live, S37E01)
» Richard Harrow scrapbooks (Boardwalk Empire, S02E01)
» Dystopian prologue (Terra Nova, S01E01)
» October 14, 2003 core (Catching Hell, 09-27-11)
» Mr. Schue rebukes Quinn (Glee, S03E02)
» Potter visits Otto (Sons of Anarchy, S04E04)
» J. Mark Inman covers Radiohead's "Creep" (The X Factor, S01E03)
» Model United Nations (Community, S03E02)
» "Yankee Doodle" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S07E03)

Stray observations:
» "Sign the fucking custody papers so I can go to that High Line park and watch people screw in the hotel windows." (Weeds, S07E13)
» "Burt, are you jealous of the toilet?" (Raising Hope, S02E02)
» "My cockshake brings all the girls to the yard." (Fresh Meat, S01E02)

» Martin Starr's character calls Jeff "Clark M. Eichelburger." (Community, S03E02)
Martin Starr played a burger stand employee in an episode of the web series Clark and Michael.


Countdown to Nudity: How Quickly Do Premium-Cable Series Show Skin?
The Most Disturbing Photos in MMA History
The Agony of Defeat

Columbia House Record Club

So this is happening.

Idea: A music festival featuring only musical acts that feature actors. The line-up could be pretty legit – 30 Seconds to Mars, She and Him, Childish Gambino…

—Thunderbox, Wicked Wisdom…
—Cowboy and Indian…
—Jesse Plemons' band. His real-life band.

Stephen Lang voiced George Washington for a PBS documentary on the American Revolution, and will play Abraham Lincoln in a Civil War mini-series for HBO. Halfway to achieving a "Mount Rushmore."

The A.V. Club publishes a recurring feature called "Random Roles," in which an actor comments on selections from his or her oeuvre.

Idea: A similar feature in which a sports figure (athlete, coach, broadcaster) comments on select games from his or her career. It could be a television programme with video clips.

Let you play with the stick, Ovechkin – hip-hop hockey reference!

Rap's Greatest Hockey References

Wife, Mistress, Dog

At kosher Subway shops, all ingredients must be certified kosher, requiring special suppliers.

No pork products allowed, including ham or bacon.

No dairy products allowed where meats are served, so any cheese-like product has to be made from a dairy substitute.

A Jewish employee has to turn the ovens on and off. A rabbi has to supervise the operations at the stores.

Kosher meat can cost twice as much due to strict preparation requirements. Kosher foot-longs can cost more than $9.

They are closed at what are peak dining times—the Jewish Sabbath, which begins on sundown Friday and ends at sundown Saturday.

Seems like a lot of hassle just so stricter Jews can eat at Subway. I mean, it's Subway. You could be eating at a Jewish deli!

During the 2006 grand opening of the first kosher Subway, Subway pitchman Jared Fogle led a Hebrew blessing in a white yarmulke emblazoned with the store's green and yellow logo.


It's often hard to find suppliers, said proprietors of now-closed kosher Subways in Kansas and Brooklyn.

Of the 15 kosher Subways that opened in the United States, one was in Kansas?!

Harry Kozlovsky, an investor in the Baltimore store, says that even though Tofurky didn't make it on the menu, "Subway has bent over backwards" to accommodate his requests for other unique items such as shawarma and French fries.

Subway shawarma and French fries!!!

Hmm… $436 round-trip to Baltimore.

Kosher Subways Don't Cut It

They say "time is money," but really it's not

Why is this episode doubly long?

Paul Abbott wrote it?

Oh. It's the 100th episode.

I began watching the British version of Shameless in advance of the premiere of the American adaptation in order to be able to discuss the differences between the two, and ended up consuming all then-95 available episodes over a few weeks.

I could write a book on the British version of Shameless,

about how it lost almost all of its original characters (Emmy Rossum's female lead counterpart departed in season two) and changed its premise,

about how actor Sean Gilder (Paddy Maguire) quit because he couldn't bear doing any more bedroom scenes with the actress who plays his wife,

about its bonkers sixth season (amnesia, tortured stowaway deaf lad murders his abusive father, abusive boyfriend seduces and blackmails his Stockholm-syndromed girlfriend's sister-in-law, heroin victim's mother kidnaps her daughter's heroin dealer and hooks him on heroin)…

Q: How many television programmes that ran at least four seasons have you seen every episode of?

—My number is smaller than you think.
—1. Shameless (100 episodes).
—2. Skins (45 episodes).
—Let me go through this network by network.
24 (192 episodes).
Tiny Toon Adventures…ran three seasons.
—I saw all 69 episodes that aired on Fox Kids, but tuned out after it moved to Kids' WB!. I tuned in once to Kids' WB! and Pinky was singing about cheeses? – a far cry from "Yakko's World."
Friday Night Lights (76 episodes), The Office (153 episodes), and 30 Rock (103 episodes).
—Must See TV was only mostly seen by me.
The Amazing Race (215 episodes).
—Did I see every episode of Garfield and Friends? No.
—Didn't see its first season.
—ABC Family.
Greek (74 episodes).
Top Chef (118 episodes).
The Wire (60 episodes).
—Didn't see the third season of The Sopranos, the fourth season of Curb Your Enthusiasm, or the fifth season of Oz.
Dexter (72 episodes).
Mad Men (52 episodes).
Breaking Bad hasn't completed its fourth season yet, but you can pencil it in (46 episodes).
Nip/Tuck (100 episodes).
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (73 episodes).
—Pencil Sons of Anarchy in too (52 episodes). And Jersey Shore (48 episodes).
The Shield?
—I joined it in progress, in season five.
—Oh. Trailer Park Boys (55 episodes).
—I think that's it.
—16, 17… Only 18?
—So I missed an episode or two of Degrassi: The Next Generation's TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTY ONE episodes.
—Also, lower the minimum to three seasons and my total balloons. Tiny Toon Adventures, Arrested Development, Brotherhood, Kyle XY

I hate Carnotaurus

The NBA cares not.

Steven: too many people are gonna be the driver for halloween
Steven: where the hell can i get that jacket

Adam: i'm currently searching for a jacket to put the scorpion on for halloween, but odds are i won't find anything close
Adam: i'll need to have another costume lined up
Jon: can you build a flamethrower?
Adam: ?
Jon: never mind

Jon: moses
Jon: you're probably too white, though
Adam: yes, waaay too white
Jon: i'll be moses, borrow a black dog, fit it with glow-in-the-dark teeth

I got my family and I got my people

—Jim Henson would have been 75 today.
—But he's not. Who cares about a birthday that doesn't exist?
—I miss him.
—You miss him or you miss his work? Regardless, you can miss both at any time. Celebrating his non-existent birthday is just masturbatory.

—So is suicide.

—Do Gaga fans realize that trending BULLYING IS FOR LOSERS is itself bullying?
—If bullying is for losers, and Gaga fans bully, then Gaga fans are losers.
—Oh, but according to Gaga, EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL.
—Even bullies?
—[grumbles] Empty, illogical, masturbatory activism.


Dead Wrestler Society art gallery

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

So much programming screened…

38. Rum Ham (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S07E02)

Honourable mention:
» Walter whimpers to Walter Jr. about how sorry he is (Breaking Bad, S04E10)
» Hugh Jackman guest stars (WWE Raw, 09-19-11)
» Fat turd drops a turd into a pool (Workaholics, S02E01)
» "Hey, Soul Sister" ringtone (Up All Night, S01E02)
» Geo Godley (The X Factor, S01E01)
» Jonah Hill calls out Matthew Morrison (Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 09-21-11)
» Cougarton Abbey (Community, S03E01)

Stray observations:
» Luther and Vandross (Sons of Anarchy, S04E03)
» "Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised." (The Office, S08E01)


The NSFW C-Roll Stash

Pastrami and swiss are my only vices

I am pleased to announce that we bought a zoo, a rad one, with African cats, straw dogs, a war horse, and a kung fu panda too!

We cordially invite you all to attend its grand re-opening this weekend. Enter for free, meet the zookeeper Dolph Intale, and behold our many captives. I recommend: the green hornet, the eagle, the beaver, the lion of Judah, the whale, Mr. Popper's penguins, the giant piranha Alvin, and the chipmunks.

But that's not all!

You may have seen a time-lapse video on the Internet documenting the rise of the Planet of the Apes attraction in our zoo's jungle area. On Friday, we are christening it.

On Saturday, stay late for "shark night" and sleep(over) with the fishes.

And on Sunday, join us for an intimate safari brunch among bins of food and water for elephants, giraffes, and zebras.


—whose face is the lighter abdomen tattoo? jesus?
—che and manson?
—yeah, why not?
—look at this guy
—why wouldn't he?

Knuckle is a documentary, filmed over 12 years, about Irish clans who settle conflicts through ritualized, bare-knuckle fighting. The producers of Eastbound and Down and the writer of Trainspotting are adapting it into a series for HBO.

Mardi Gras: Spring Break

For three college guys, it's senior year and the co-ed experience has left them high and dry. Their solution: A road trip to Mardi Gras, where beautiful babes are happy to lift their shirts and open containers are always welcome. But after dressing in drag, breaking into Carmen Electra's hotel room, starring in a scandalous sex show, and accidentally exploding a feces bomb in a swank hotel lobby, will the Mardi Gras magic kick in and their wildest fantasies come true? [source]

Too Few Black People


The MacAndrews & Forbes conglomerate is in some tough businesses. It's a leading maker of bank checks at a time when electronic payments are growing quickly, and a producer of licorice flavorings used by the tobacco industry. [source]

According to its web site, M&F's portfolio also includes: a processor of film for the motion picture industry, Revlon cosmetics, Scantron testing systems, a lottery technology provider, and a smallpox drug developer.


Texas and Oklahoma in the Pacific-xx Conference would be odd, yes, but the St. Louis Rams are in the NFC West, and the Dallas Cowboys are in the NFC East, and St. Louis is 400 miles EAST of Dallas.

Elsewhere, the Winnipeg Jets are in the NHL's Southeast Division, and the Oklahoma City Thunder are in the NBA's Northwest Division.

Why don't the Dallas Cowboys play in the NFC West? It may be a less glamorous division, but it's a far more winnable one. "America's team" could play in the postseason every year.

Two NFC West teams have played in a Super Bowl since the Cowboys last played in one.


Remember when the drummer for Throwdown auditioned on American Idol? Well, the belligerent ginger of the grilled cheese truck on Food Network's Great Food Truck Race is the drummer for The Carrier, and his colleague brother worked for Deathwish Inc.

J. Cole was in the audience of Dave Chappelle's Block Party.

Mexican vs. American Cereal Showdown

The Gross Crew

GH: Rob came up with this idea of something for us to shoot together. We shot this mockumentary thing about — because everybody used to joke that Rob looked like Haley Joel Osment — Rob playing Haley Joel Osment in his twenties, years later, and Charlie played Frankie Muniz years later, and they were living in a shitty apartment together fucked up on drugs trying to get their lives together. And I played their acting teacher, this really eccentric teacher.

Charlie Day and Glenn Howerton: The WTF Q&A

Don't Believe Everything You Think

Before I owned an MP3 player, I burned a spindle full of unmarked CD-R mixes, and I thought it would be fun to randomly re-visit one track by track.

1. Aaron Carter – "That's How I Beat Shaq"

Okay, I would date this mix Q1 2001.

The video for this song was the first thing I downloaded after moving in to my freshman year dorm room at UCLA, and the speed at which it downloaded astounded me. I had been using free, ad-supported NetZero dial-up at home.

2. American Hi-Fi – "Flavor of the Weak"
An unfortunate song title, with an irritating pun.

I remember lolling when Eric Mika told me that American Hi-Fi was playing welcome week at Northwestern in, like, 2004.

3. Backstreet Boys – "The Call"
Probably the group's best up-tempo song, and probably because it sounds like one of *NSYNC's up-tempo songs.

4. Bob Dylan – "Blind Willie McTell"
I discovered this gem through a uni class on the 1960s, never mind that Dylan recorded it in 1983 (with Mark Knopfler on guitar), or that McTell died in 1959.

5. Britney Spears – "…Baby One More Time"
I don't know why I included this song, but it holds up.

6. CKY – "96 Quite Bitter Beings"
Shopping carts. Jackass.

7. Crazy Town – "Butterfly"
Just re-watched the video. Lulz at "Shifty Shellshock" willing his two star tattoos up into the sky.

I'll cop to digging Jewish Shinoda's bridge solo.

Trivia: It was between Leonardo DiCaprio and Monsieur Shellshock for the role of Luke on Growing Pains.

8. Dangerous Darrin – "The Only Man I'd Have Sex With"
I first heard this ode to Wayne Gretzky on Loveline.

You may know Darrin as Goldfinger's drummer. Conan O'Brien is the only man he'd recklessly flip.

9. Dave Matthews Band – "I Did It"
Youthful indiscretion.

Matthews heard The Offspring's "Original Prankster" and thought, "I can give away a shittier lead single, and I'll do it via Napster!"

10. Destiny's Child – "Independent Women Part I"
For some reason, Jord haaaaaates this song. You can't play it around him.

11. Evan and Jaron – "Crazy for This Girl"
Orthodox Jews, right? And twins, identical twins. Identical twin, Orthodox Jewish, ephemeral pop stars.

In March 2006, the pair appeared on ABC's reality TV show, American Inventor, showcasing their Pit Port, a container for discarded seeds and pits in various fruits and nuts. [source]

12. Incubus – "Drive"
Halcyon days.

13. Linkin Park – "Runaway"
I remember Adam Robot boasting to me that he knew of Linkin Park when they were still Hybrid Theory. [rolls eyes]

14. Linkin Park – "Papercut"
I love the first 22 seconds of this song. In fact, I wish the whole song was just the first 22 seconds looped repeatedly.

15. Linkin Park – "In the End"
The video with the flying whale kinda ruined this song for me. It's still the band's most palatable ballad, however.

16. Our Lady Peace – "Life"
"In Repair" was the first single off Spiritual Machines in Canada, but "Life" was the first single in America. Similarly, "Supermassive Black Hole" was the first single off Muse's Black Holes and Revelations in Europe, but "Knights of Cydonia" was the first single in America. I would like to know the logic behind such decisions.

17. Space Monkeys – "Sugar Cane"
A British "Semi-Charmed Life."

Trivia: The Space Monkeys' DJ designed the current Doctor Who logo.

18. Taproot – "Again and Again"
I miss songs that sound like this, songs like Pitchshifter's "Genius" and Stabbing Westward's "Save Yourself."

19. Weezer – "El Scorcho"
Typically, a band's output grows more sophisticated, but Weezer's output has curiously regressed, as if Rivers is Benjamin Button.

20. Xzibit – "X"
One of my favourite rap lyrics: Xzibit use his dick like a Visa / I run it through and money come out.

My Superpower Is Being Alone Forever