Your death will be my holiday

—Panel one: Merry and Pippin. "I'm bored." "Me too."
—Panel two: Treebeard covered in toilet paper, unamused.

—Panel one: Gandalf. "You shall not pass!"
—Panel two: A Balrog vomiting feces uncontrollably.


—Are all of your webcomic ideas Lord of the Rings-related?
—No. I have some Inheritance Cycle ones too…

Brandon Belt

So this exists:

It's not even lazy, like peanut butter and jelly in the same jar, it's just foul.

"Real Kraft cheese" – oxymoron?

How much of it is "mechanically separated chicken"? Is it like Taco Bell's beef? Oscar Mayer 35% Ham and Fromage Pox Loaf.

Q: Would you rather eat an Oscar Mayer Ham and Cheese Loaf, or a loaf you pinched after gorging on gourmet ham and cheese?

List: What to Say When Friends Are Discussing Video Games That You Have Not Played
"Zelda (all): 'My favorite part is this [mime playing wind instrument].'"

Get ready for my sweetness

Man Chooses Chick-Fil-A Cow To Be Best Man

Will the cow deliver the best man toast?

Q: Which fast food mascot would you choose to be your best man?

—the king.
—no. he would sleep with the maid of honour.
—no. he would dance with my mother.
—papa john? jack?
—no. i cannot stand either dude.
—you can't stand jack?
—not a fan of jack.
—who doesn't like jack?
—he's a rip-off of mr. tastee on pete and pete.
—well, i would choose jack to be my best man.
—alternate: del taco dan.

—papa john rings your doorbell and acts like you should know who he is.

—does he have to be the main fast food mascot? or can i choose a supporting mascot, like the hamburglar?
—you want the hamburglar to be your best man?
—no. just asking.
—any fast food mascot.
—i would choose mayor mccheese.
—alternate: the noid.

We are beggars all

Jon: I'm stubbornly attached to the idea. How much do you estimate it would cost to stage? To save money, we could crowdsource housing and transportation, and bands could share instruments, leaving airfare, venues…

Jon: I wonder if we could secure funding via Kickstarter. I just seek to break even. This is a non-profit venture – pure fan service.

Jon: We lift the three song rule. All you can shoot, but no flash.

Jon: EH?
Jon: It's like a Thrice cruise on land.
Adam: I'd pay a lot of money to see that.
Jon: I think it's feasible.

Jon: We don't sell tickets. The only way in is by donating via Kickstarter.
Jon: Pledge $33 or more and we add you to the guest list for night two.
Jon: Pledge $66 or more and attend nights two and three.
Jon: Pledge $99 or more and attend all three nights. The Detroit Bar's capacity is a fourth of Yost's and the Mouse House's.
Jon: Pledge the minimum amount and receive professional video recordings and/or access to live streams of the event.

Matt: Three nights of Thrice. Three different albums?
Jon: Mmm… Night one – intimate acoustic set. Night two – regular set. Night three…
Matt: Request night.
Jon: Thrice doesn't seem like a band that can perform its oeuvre extemporaneously.
Matt: Night three – fan-curated set list. They can rehearse in advance.
Jon: Night three – The Alchemy Index in its entirety, supported by members of the six other bands.

Adam: How do you plan to re-unite Curl Up and Die?
Jon: Uh… Know any Marines?
Jon: Worst case scenario, it's Mike and a backing band – CUAD with Buckethead on guitar.

Matt: How about adding United Nations?
Jon: Has United Nations ever performed live?
Matt: They did in NY, NJ, and DC, but never on the west coast.
Jon: Geoff Rickly, Daryl Palumbo, and Ben Koller – re-uniting CUAD may be easier.

Matt: Ooo. Hot Water Music.
Jon: I considered HWM, but we need to reserve some acts for Thranksgiving 2.

Ryan: Thrice is still a band?!
Ryan: (loved CUAD so much…)


I caught a bit of Extreme Chef on Food Network, during which producers dumped artificial hail on contestants during a cooking challenge, and I thought of the Internet.

I just want to create and share stuff, but the people behind the Internet keep throwing daft obstacles my way. iPad doesn't support Flash. Chrome doesn't support H.264. IE ClearType.

Chopped is another fitting analogy. I figured out a way to incorporate Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook into my web presence, but don't know what to do with Google+. If I don't use Google+, however, I risk not advancing, so it's on my plate.

Sometimes I wish that Internet software was monopolized.

Google+ is the Conan of Social Networks

Hail Black Satan

Bruce Willis wants to make another Die Hard film. Kiefer Sutherland wants to make a 24 film. Fox owns both properties.


24 ended with Jack Bauer fleeing America, a target of both American and Russian agents.

Three years later…

Bauer is caught on camera snapping the neck of a gang member in a São Paulo favela.

This intel reaches America and Russia, who separately send agents after Bauer. Russia sends Mandy. America sends John McClane.

So John McClane, Mandy, and a gang enforcer played by Anderson Silva all pursue Jack Bauer through South America.

Die Hard 24/5.

If Lot was righteous, I think I'd rather not be

In the vein of "In Living Color," the new sketch-comedy series IN THE FLOW WITH AFFION CROCKETT ("Nick Cannon Presents: Wild 'N Out") will feature guest appearances by Snoop Dogg, Russell Simmons, Chris Brown, Michael Strahan, Lil' C, and JB Smoove.

From the creator of Arrested Development?!

Danny Glover plays Ahab in an adaptation of Moby Dick with dragons instead of whales.

I am pleased that the July/August issue of XXL recognizes Nardwuar for his achievement in rap interviews.

Nardwuar should interview rappers exclusively. His "this is your life" shtick resonates harder with them, for better or for worse.

In July 1999, Nardwuar suffered a cerebral hemorrhage, aborting his planned ambush interview of Courtney Love. [Wikipedia]

Jay Bilas is a Jeezy Aficionado

We gotta eat this city, eat this city


/ #arftw / adam riff™ food and travel week

I believe that the best way to experience a city is to eat it. If you eat a city properly, you will visit places that you might otherwise not visit, and see things that you might otherwise not see, like this mesmerizing sculpture outside Columbia University's law school building, which I stumbled upon while trying to locate a coffee shop.


Simmons asked me to create a formula that mirrored the popular baseball statistic VORP, an acronym for "Value Over Replacement Player." The VORP metric attempts to isolate the merits of a particular hitter or pitcher in comparison to a fictional "replacement player" — a hypothetical strawman who's an average fielder and a mediocre hitter. "Would it be possible," pondered Simmons, "to create an identical statistic for music?"

That was VORM. This is VORE (Value Over Replacement Eatery).

In layman's terms, the higher the VORE, the better the eatery – in my opinion.

Eatery Neighbourhood VORE
Earl's Beer and Cheese Spanish Harlem 60.2
Dirty Bird To Go West Village 52.2
Mile End Delicatessen Boerum Hill 42.3
Henry Public Cobble Hill 38.6
Xi'an Famous Foods Chinatown 34.4
Ample Hills Creamery Prospect Heights 29.6
Pies 'n' Thighs Williamsburg 23.9
Fatty Cue Williamsburg 19.9
Torrisi Italian Specialties Nolita 17.5
53rd and 6th Halal Cart Theatre District 15.3
Shake Shack Battery Park City 13.6
Blue Ribbon at the Brooklyn Bowl Williamsburg 12.4
Gray's Papaya West Village 10.6
Gramercy Tavern Flatiron 9.1
Doughnut Plant Lower East Side 8.4
The Spotted Pig West Village 7.6
Robicelli's Downtown Brooklyn 6.8
BaoHaus Lower East Side 6.2
Pommes Frites East Village 5.7
Johnny Foxes Upper East Side 4.8
La Esquina Nolita 4.0
The Smith East Village 3.5
Sweetwater Restaurant Williamsburg 3.1
Di Fara Pizza Midwood 2.5
Graffiti Food and Wine Bar East Village 2.1
The Dutch Soho 1.6
Dos Caminos Soho 1.3
Solber Pupusas Red Hook 1.0
Artisanal Murray Hill 0.8
Traif Williamsburg 0.6
Dos Toros Taqueria Union Square 0.5
M. Wells Diner Long Island City 0.4
Taïm West Village 0.3
Patacon Pisao #2 Elmhurst 0.1
Pão de Queijo Astoria 0.1
Smashburger Fort Greene 0.0
Rosa Mexicano Upper West Side -0.1
Crumbs Bake Shop Upper West Side -0.1
Calexico Flatiron -0.2
Momofuku Milk Bar East Village -0.2
Jacques Torres Ice Cream Shop DUMBO -0.2
Spot Dessert Bar East Village -0.3
Peels Restaurant East Village -0.4
Il Laboratorio del Gelato Lower East Side -0.5
Magnolia Bakery West Village -0.6
Cones West Village -0.7
DuMont Restaurant Williamsburg -0.9
L'Arte del Gelato Chelsea -1.1
Motorino Pizza East Village -1.9
Porchetta East Village -2.3
Popbar West Village -2.9
San Loco East Village -3.7
The Meatball Shop Lower East Side -4.5
FoodParc Midtown West -6.6
T.G.I. Friday's Times Square -14.3


Special Recognition:

Smoked Meat Sandwich (Mile End Delicatessen)
I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant

Chocolate Chip Bread Pudding (Blue Ribbon)
puts Pizookies to shame

Spicy Cumin Lamb Hand-Ripped Noodles (Xi'an Famous Foods)
immaculate Asian fusion

Chairman Bao (BaoHaus)
Eddie Huang's pork belly bun is quietly superior to David Chang's

Bread Pudding (Earl's Beer and Cheese)
I know. Another bread pudding? But this maple stew of bread and apples topped with cotton candy devastated me. Earl's menu >>>>>


A Partial Guide to Crossing New York City Bridges for Pedestrians Who Are Terrified of Heights

the pedestrian path feels like walking on: a bike lane
the east river: you walk over less of it because of roosevelt island
we: were more terrified at the sight of the roosevelt island gondola

the pedestrian path feels like walking on: a handicap ramp
the east river: is somewhere below you
we: had to dodge speeding bicyclists on the east half of the path

the pedestrian path feels like walking on: an airplane wing
the east river: is directly below you
we: winced when subway trains passed by, causing the path to quake

the pedestrian path feels like walking on: precarious wooden planks that quake when bicyclists ride by
the east river: you see it directly below you
we: froze a few times

#arftw / adam riff™ food and travel week

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

Food for thought:

FX developed Breaking Bad and passed on it.

The top three markets for Breaking Bad are Albuquerque/Santa Fe, Kansas City, and Memphis. Neither New York nor Los Angeles are in its top ten.

28. Larry tries to teach a Girl Scout how to use a tampon (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S08E01)

Honourable mention:

» CM Punk's contract negotiation (WWE Raw, 07-11-11)
» Lockout Professionals (The 2011 ESPY Awards)
» Zoidberg (Futurama, S06E18)

#clipoftheweek #arftw / adam riff™ food and travel week

Robot mouth