No one believes in moons and goochers

Previously on Adam Riff™:
So in real life, the Thai family is Thai (father of the bride), Korean (bride), and Taiwanese (her brother). #alllooksame


The more I think about the film, the more annoyed I get.

Stu says, "When we woke up, the power was out," but the power is on when they wake up, so either 1. the elevator regained power with Teddy inside, which means Teddy could have freed himself, or 2. the elevator lost power at the same time as their room, in which case, why didn't Teddy scream for help or bang on the elevator door? They might have heard him when they iced Chang Chow.

Power or no power, how does a genius remain stuck in a hotel elevator in Bangkok for two days?

Chow has a speedboat. How convenient.

Alan knows how to operate a speedboat, because of course he does.

Teddy lost a finger. No biggie!
Stu bottomed for a tranny stripper. Whatevs!
The bullet only grazed Phil's arms. Moving on!

The heart of the film is utterly inconsequential.

My keys were in my pocket this whole time: the movie.

The Hangover: Part III should just be a short film. They don't lose a member of a wedding party, and they fill in the previous night via photos. The end. Scrap the poorly-designed Amazing Race non-elimination leg.

"Make your way to a tattoo parlor, where a clunky expository device will give you your next clue."

"Roadblock: Who's ready for some meditation?"

The to-do list for every fat, naked man at the gym
Someone on yelp created a review for the onion's Abortionplex

Where we're going, we don't need roads

What is over here? Oh. More master bedroom. A walk-in closet and…the bathroom. Which features a communal shower. [pause]

David: Did you tour upstairs?
Jon: Yup.
David: We combined the master bedroom with another bedroom.
Jon: So your bathroom used to be a bedroom.
David: Correct, and our closet a bathroom.

These dark chocolate-covered Corn Nuts tasted better in my head.

Elaine: We kept our apartment in Manhattan.
Jon: Oh. Do you…need someone to house-sit?
Elaine: We rented it out. Sorry.

Jambalaya yesterday, paella today, fast tomorrow.

David: My brother lives in Toronto, but keeps an apartment in Vancouver.
Jon: Oh. Does he…need someone to house-sit? Heck, do you when you vacation in Vancouver next month?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

—Khal Drogo is married to Lisa Bonet?
—Detective Linden is married to Cameron Frye.

21. A meeting with Mannie Fresh (Treme, S02E05)

Honourable mention:
» "A crown for a king" (Game of Thrones, S01E06)
» Belko assaults a rock (The Killing, S01E09)
» Beyoncé's performance (The 2011 Billboard Music Awards, 05-22-11)
» Stone Cold vs. Silent Rage (WWE Tough Enough, S05E08)


The Ultimate Scotty McCreepy Gif Wall

McDonald's French Fries and KFC Gravy


Teddy, the Asian brother, is Ang Lee's son.

—His parents are Taiwanese, your parents are Taiwanese, Jon. He played cello in high school and middle school, you played cello in high school and middle school. His father directed Brokeback Mountain

The bride was a housemate on The Real World: San Diego.

So in real life, the Thai family is Thai (father of the bride), Korean (bride), and Taiwanese (her brother). #alllooksame

—And the Thai/Indian/Israeli strip club owner is white. #princeofsiam #fakegyllenhaal


Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
The Hangover: Part II
Kung Fu Panda 2

Surprise Wedding Singer(s)
The Hangover: Part II

—Jason Bateman. Ryan Reynolds. The Office cast members.

Independent Music and Late-Night TV

3hree Things

The two leads in Narc have both replaced Keanu Reeves.

Val Kilmer replaced Keanu Reeves in Heat after Reeves replaced Kilmer in Johnny Mnemonic because Kilmer replaced Michael Keaton in Batman Forever.

Charlie Sheen replaced Keanu Reeves in Platoon.

Keanu Reeves replaced Brett Cullen in The Replacements.

As part of his contract for starring in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale as Gallian, Liotta had permission to keep all wizard robes donned for the film.


Idea: Reboot Tank Girl as a film vehicle for Lady Gaga.

If the Boston Bruins win the Stanley Cup this year, Boston will slash the record for fastest professional sports championship grand slam to 6 years.

Patriots (2005)
Red Sox (2007)
Celtics (2008)
Bruins (2011)

The current record, held by New York, is 11 years.

Jets (1969)
Knicks (1973)
Yankees (1977)
Islanders (1980)

Only three cities out of a possible 13 have achieved a grand slam: Boston, New York, and Chicago.

Chicago needed 24 years to achieve its grand slam, but its grand slam is also a quintuple crown (grand slam + MLS Cup), the only quintuple crown ever achieved.

Bears (1986)
Bulls (1998)
Fire (1998)
White Sox (2005)
Blackhawks (2010)

Among three-sport cities, only Pittsburgh has achieved a triple crown.

Steelers (1979)
Pirates (1979)
Penguins (1991)
12 years

Used to is a rooster from Brewster


—Photobombs galore.
—Look at this fucking shirtless fan wearing cop shades, gym shorts, and cowboy boots.
—Who is #13?
—Heh. James Harden.
—OH. The eyes are part of a face that he painted on his torso.

—Might want to reverse the black and yellow next time.
—Wonder if they showed up to the game with shirts on.


A crown for a king

This Must Be the Place
Sean Penn plays an androgynous former rock star named Cheyenne who travels the U.S., in full makeup, searching for the fugitive Nazi who tormented his father at Auschwitz.

I can't.

David Byrne reportedly collaborated with Will Oldham on songs for the soundtrack.

"Baaah-boo-rah, baaah-boo-rah…"

Rory: A top five goth turn?
Jon: Easily. Up there with

Mark on Home Improvement

and Ethan Suplee in The Butterfly Effect.

Speaking of Ethan Suplee, have you seen his IMDb profile picture? Holy cow!

Check out the hilarious comedy Work It, coming soon to ABC!

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

Our Thursdays are free again! (until June 23, when Louie returns)

20. Game of Thrones, S01E05
TV-MA smorgasbord [NSFW]

Honourable mention:
» Gibbons visits Wysocki (The Chicago Code, S01E12)
» Ben butt-dialed Ron (Parks and Recreation, S03E16)


Jimmy McNulty Farting

Piledriver Waltz

Malick rented the entire neighborhood where they shot, and dressed it to resemble the 1950s. [source]

Evidently, in central Texas, you can rent an entire neighborhood – and implant a 65,000-pound tree.

TNT scripted series in development:

Untitled Mitch Albom Project – Set in a Detroit radio station, this drama follows a station manager who, against his wishes, returns home to try and breathe life into his struggling city.

He grudgingly tries to revive his hometown? What? And via a dying medium?

"Parker Lewis, Hulk Hogan's son and daughter, and Edgar Allan Poe IV."

Brooke Hogan plays "shark scientist Dr. Sandy Powers."

According to his IMDb page, Edgar Allan Poe IV has thrice been cast as Edgar Allan Poe.

Fall TV's Top Trends

If you're gonna try and walk on water, make sure you wear your comfortable shoes

Holy Rollers: The True Story of Card-Counting Christians is a documentary that follows a Seattle-based team of Christian blackjack players who fleece casinos to fill church coffers.

Holy Rollers (2010): Jews smuggle ecstasy.
Holy Rollers (2011): Christians count cards.


The Seattle International Film Festival will host its world premiere in June.

Holy Rollers (2012): Mormons make makizushi.


"All this can be yours if the Christ is right."

Your waitress was miserable, and so was your food

—The woman on this Doug Loves Movies podcast is excruciating. Jen…Kirkman.

—She's a professional comedian?!

—Whitney Cummings has two comedies premiering this fall, and Chelsea Handler is adding a third one to her schedule. Yecch. Must Circumcise TV…

—I'm not surprised that Kirkman writes for Chelsea Lately.

—You finished yet?
—No. Short girl pushing her way to the front at a concert:

And your boyfriend too? Fuck that. No passage!

Why shouldn't I push back against your dance floor imperialism?

Oh, you can't see! Well, next time, YOU arrive early, and YOU stand though shitty opening acts for a spot at the front! Or…wear stilts!

Gratuitous Television Clip Wednesday

For upfronts week, we detour with the smashing preview for Awake, a drama series which will premiere on NBC in 2012.

Sepinwall: The clip reel (and premise) raise questions about the long-term sustainability of the concept. But I know [it's] the show I most want to see.

My dad is 81 years old. I'm teaching him how to use the internet. I told him twitter was how to search things on Google. These tweets are what he's searching.

and sat in the back booth by the pamphlets and the literature on how to lose

—How was babysitting?

M: Go back to 7-3-2! I want to watch softball!
He wants to watch Conference USA softball.

E: I finished!
Her petite body pooped that?!
J: Guh. Emily, spread your butt cheeks for Uncle Jon.

—At one point, I juggled baseball with Max and a tea party with Emily. I felt like Mrs. Doubtfire.

J: Strike two.
M: No, that was a ball! The strike zone is…
J: Foul.
M: No, that was fair! The foul pole is…
This is like playing Calvinball.

—His winning complex is worsening. He quit in protest when I cut his lead to 28 runs.

You look like you've been for breakfast at the heartbreak hotel

—Do you think Fast Five is appropriate for children five and under?
—Uhh…no. Why?
—I'm babysitting B's children today.

—Download this:

—That's a real film?
—Amazon only has 13 copies left in stock.

—Max likes baseball. We could crash the stands of a little league game.
—Nothing icky about an adult stranger observing little league players.
—With children in tow!
—Like paedos don't sire children.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

—Another paintball episode? [sigh] Diminishing returns…

19. Zev and Justin's Brazilian body waxing (The Amazing Race, S18E11)

Honourable mention:
» Jack Sparrow (Saturday Night Live, S36E20)
» Jousting "accident" (Game of Thrones, S01E04)
» Air banjo (Parks and Recreation, S03E14)


TMNT Pizza Taste Test