Coagulated Milf

Previously on Adam Riff™:

Instead of criticizing Saturday Night Live, I thought I'd put myself in the writers' shoes and try to conceive a good sketch for each remaining episode this season.

Elton John is hosting this week. I submit:

Scenes from Elton LeapQuantum Leap with Elton John and a holographic Billy Joel.

1. Elton leaps inside the Rosa Parks bus as a passenger.

Joel: Defuse the tension.
John: Uhh… Blue jean baby / L.A. la— No? Okay.

2. Elton leaps inside Ford's Theatre as an actor on the night of Abraham Lincoln's assassination.

John [on stage, discreetly]: Shit! I lost Booth! What do I do, Billy? Billy!

Holographic Joel passed out drunk. Gunshot. Chaos in the audience.

John: Uhh… Goodbye Honest Abe / Though I never knew you at all…

3. Elton, wearing a Donald Duck costume, leaps to Jamestown as John Smith.

Caaaaan you feel the love tonight?

The Ten Coolest Sounds on Britney Spears' "Femme Fatale"
Who Has the Brainiest Team in Baseball?

MMA Documentary Round-Up

The Striking Truth
chronicles the disparate journeys of Georges St-Pierre and fellow Montrealer David "The Crow" Loiseau over the past four years, beginning at UFC 58

It premiered in Toronto in February. I found a May home video release date.

a film about the art and sport of MMA fighting far from Las Vegas

It premiered at SXSW in March and will screen at ActionFest (Asheville, NC) and Hot Docs (Toronto, ON) in April.

Like Water
follows Anderson Silva as he prepares to crown his four-year run as the unbeaten king of the sport with a record 12th straight win in the UFC [vs. Chael Sonnen at UFC 117]

It will premiere in April at the Tribeca Film Festival.

Jens Pulver | Driven
follows Jens Pulver on his "last march" toward a do or die comeback [at WEC 47] after suffering four losses in a row

It will be available on demand in July.

Amyl Nitrate

My $100 bet last October on the Canucks to the win the Stanley Cup is looking prit-tay, prit-tay good. Snagged 'em at 8:1 odds. They are currently 3:1.

Hmm… The Kings are currently 18:1 – tempting.

You know how King Ralph has a bowling lane in his house? I wonder if any rich Canadians or Swedes have curling sheets in their houses.

I wonder if a curling alley would be viable in an American city. 12 curling sheets, plus the world's only curliards rink – play pool with curling equipment. Rent shoes, brushes, and stones. Drink beer and eat tater tot poutine. Cosmic curling on Thursday nights.

I wonder if I could secure investor funding.

—apply to be on shark tank

The world's first breastfeeding baby doll

Baruch Hashem

I've owned this book for 20 years and have never been able to get past page 10. The idea appeals to me, but the execution is just unpalatable. Give me Dave Barry Slept Here any day.

I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit that I once loved Dave Barry. Like "101 joke" books, though, I think that you are supposed to outgrow his oeuvre. It's gateway humour.

Another cred skeleton in my closet: Possessing a first edition hardcover copy of Tim Allen's Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man.

I long ago abandoned hope for a History Is Hell book, but a Life in Hell animated series is still feasible.

Matt Groening created the Simpsons in order to retain the rights to his Life in Hell characters. As print media dies, why not port your beloved comic strip to, say, [adult swim]? Think U.S. Acres segments on Garfield and Friends.

Rock-Critic Pop Quiz: How Many of Boyz II Men's Five #1 Singles Can You Name?


Josh Radnor: Drive less. Recycle more. Plant a tree. Just some of the things you can do to help the environment. CBS cares.

—What kind of PSA is that?
—CBS cares…about meeting its PSA quota.

Fall 2011-12 CBS pilots

Hail Mary. After her son gets killed, a suburban mom (Minnie Driver) teams up with his best friend, a street-wise hustler (Brandon T. Jackson), to solve crimes.

—Oy vey…
—This one sounds promising:

The Rememberer. Female NYPD detective (Poppy Montgomery) possesses the ability to remember everything.

—Try less. Recycle more. CBS airs.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

I was up until 1:00 AM watching television so I could select a clip authoritatively. NBC annoyingly scheduled two Thursday nights of repeats before March Madness and two new Thursdays against it.

12. Pink anuses on parade – Dumbo homage (Bob's Burgers, S01E08)

Honourable mention:
» Pitt vs. Butler – final seven seconds (March Madness, 03-19-11)
» "Did you see Regis this morning?"Magnum, P.I. homage (Archer, S02E09)

» (Parks and Recreation, S03E08)

You could cast a sitcom with the spouses of Parks and Recreation's cast. Chris Pratt is married to Anna Faris, Nick Offerman is married to Megan Mullally, Amy Poehler is married to Will Arnett.

Arnett is rumoured to be replacing Steve Carell on The Office.


Every Bone Steven Seagal Has Ever Broken

A Wicked Pike

March Food Madness: All 68 NCAA Tournament Teams Ranked by Their Best Drunk College Food

2. UCLA: The Big Fat Fatty
A 27-inch garlic hero loaded with cheesesteak, cheeseburgers, pastrami, chicken fingers, bacon, mozzarella sticks, fries, onion rings, jalapeno poppers, fried eggs, chili and marinara sauce.

—Where is Fat Sal's?
—It replaced Buck Fiddy. Turtle on Entourage is one its owners.
—G_d, I haven't return-visited Los Angeles in eons.
—You should move back.
—Heh. I've considered it.

—This Big Fat Fatty sandwich doesn't seem as absurd as

17. Illinois: The Big Fat Ugly
Two rolls stuffed with four cheeseburgers, cheesesteak, chicken cheesesteak, gyro meat, grilled chicken, bacon, sausage, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, chicken nuggets, mac 'n cheese bites, fried mushrooms, jalapeno poppers, pizza bites, onion rings, hash browns, mini corn dogs, American cheese, mayonnaise and ketchup.

—Length vs. girth.
—I dunno… The Fatty looks comparably girthy.

52. San Diego State: Sigma Pi Burrito
Burrito filled with carne asada, cheese, sour cream, guacamole, French fries, jalapenos, salsa AND an entire cheese quesadilla.

—What does the quesadilla add, besides more cheese?

16. UT-San Antonio: La Costra Del Guero
The cooks at Chela's Taco's taco truck make a white cheese fondue and then fry it into a crisp shell – basically a hard tortilla made completely out of cheese. It's stuffed with carne asada, fresh salsa and cilantro.

—A cheese shell – ingenious.
—And no redundant cheese filling.

5. Long Island University: Something Different Sandwich
Juicy slices of beef brisket contained between two oversize deep-fried potato latkes, served with apple sauce for spreading or gravy or dipping.

—Pinch me. A Jewish Double Down?! [drools]

How Carrots Became the New Junk Food
"A skater dude rides a jet-powered shopping cart through a desert pass, dodging baby-carrot gunfire. Things blow up. There's a pterodactyl. 'Extreme pterodactyl!' the voice-over yells."

How Kickstarter Became a Lab for Daring Prototypes and Ingenious Products
"Arrested Development star David Cross was an early investor."


Assistant Purchasing Agent (part-time) (berkeley)


Berkeley Patients Group (BPG), one of California's oldest cannabis collectives, is seeking to hire a part-time Assistant Purchasing Agent…

They're looking for a weed dealer.


420(k). Medical benefits and paid Volcano.

Statistical Oddities Of BASEketball

Mako Shark

Hot Docs, North America's largest documentary film festival, revealed its 2011 line-up.


Empire North
Overwhelmed by war-time horrors of the last decade, Danish artist Jakob Boeskov creates a new identity for himself as the highly polished and well educated CEO of a fictitious weapons company, Empire North. He conceives of a weapon called the ID Sniper Rifle that shoots an undetectable GPS chip into the body of targets so police or government agencies can track them later. Boeskov then infiltrates a high-tech weapons trade show pretending to seek investors for his product. Upon his return to Europe, he finds his inbox flooded with requests to invest as overnight his bogus rifle becomes a highly coveted weapon.

The Pirate Tapes
A journalist infiltrates a Somali pirate cell with a hidden camera. When a rival clan murders the pirate boss, he ends up in a horrific jail in danger of execution.

How Are You Doing, Rudolf Ming?
Thirteen years old and misunderstood, Ming creates ultra-violent movies from drawings on long strips of paper, his creativity as undeniable as his passion for gore. What happens when a concerned priest in his Latvian village commissions a film for a special church screening?

Somewhere to Disappear
Photographer Alec Soth travels across America to document people who have retreated from society. Some live in abandoned mountain cabins, others in caves and in the desolation of the desert. Soth immortalizes hermits, monks, conspiracy theorists, gay spiritualists and survivalists.

Fahrenheit 7-Eleven
On a fateful night in 1985, Burton Cummings of The Guess Who entered a 7-Eleven, and left bloodied and battered, scorning his hometown as 'Negativipeg.' This urban legend is retold by an eclectic group of Winnipeg residents, participating in dramatic re-enactments.

The Power of Love (Celine Dion Fans in Kenya)
Celine Dion's impassioned ballads have captured the hearts of romantics worldwide, but who would have thought her most devout fans would be the men of a Kenyan Maasai tribe?


Whisker Wars (7 half-hour episodes, premieres Friday, August 5 @ 10 pm on IFC)
A docu series set in the world of competitive facial hair growing profiles a group of men as they travel the country in search of top honors in a host of competitions, from the National Beard and Mustache Championship in Bend, OR to the World Competition in Norway. With Germany the reigning champion, over 80 local U.S. chapters attempt to come together to form Beard Team USA.

The personification of a defeated sigh wrapped in an overcoat

For five years, Taco Bell and its Feed the Beat program have provided touring music artists/bands with $500 in Taco Bell Bucks so they can focus on their true passion: music.

Taco Bell scholarships!!!

The list of recipients ("alumni") is very…warped.

—Did you know that the company that owns AbsolutePunk also owns Stereogum?
—Yeah. Stereogum, and The Hype Machine, and RCRD LBL, and Oh No They Didn't…

—Oh man… Bamboozle Fest added Boyz II Men.

Cut me open and crawl inside me

Mad Men may not return until 2012, but broadcast networks will try to fill its void this fall.

ABC greenlit a pilot for Pan Am, a soap about sexy pilots and flight attendants in the 1960s. Christina Ricci will play the lead, Maggie, a "fiery Bohemian stewardess."

Meanwhile, NBC greenlit a pilot for Playboy, a drama set in Chicago's famed Playboy Club in 1963.

NBC also greenlit a pilot for a western set during Reconstruction.

Select a television series to represent each decade of 20th century America.


The Progressive Era is by far the least interesting period of American history. What is available?

Wikipedia needs lists of television shows set in [insert decade].

1900s and 1910s: The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles

Deal with it.

1920s: Boardwalk Empire
1930s: Carnivàle The Waltons Carnivàle
1940s: The Waltons The Pacific
1950s: Happy Days
1960s: The Wonder Years
1970s: The Brady Bunch
1980s: Miami Vice


—in the beginning we had parker lewis, and in the end we had friends
—split the difference

1990s: Beverly Hills, 90210

Bear claws – rawr!

—Richmond's mascot looks like a hastily assembled Halloween costume.
—Daredevil Spider-Man.
—Wonder if it rides a moped.

Last spring, the University of Richmond began re-designing its mascot, because "he didn't look like a spider, and he wasn't


Indeed, a spider should be more intimidating than an ant, mad or not.

Last month, the University asked people to vote for the face of Richmond's re-designed eight-legged mascot. The choices:

—I'm the baby, gotta love me!
—Only the first head fits a spider body, but it may be too intimidating.
—I vote for a spider centipede.

Where the snake mascots at?

Imagine this on a sideline.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

11. Charades (Bob's Burgers, S01E07)

Honourable mention:
» The Situation bombs (The Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump)
» Old man chase (Justified, S02E06)
» Taiwanese news animation (Parks and Recreation, S03E07)