12 Parsecs

The NHL Guardian Project

—How can an immovable object walk?

—These are like Section 8 characters.

Stan Lee created a superhero for each NHL team. The 30 "Guardians" will officially be unveiled on Sunday in a "live-event show."

—Are there actual costumes?!
—I'm not sure. "Come to life" suggests animation, but "live-event show" suggests Guardians on Ice. I hope it's the latter.

Video Game Idea: NHL vs. Capcom.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

4. Community, S02E13
Ben Chang as "Drugs"

Honourable mention:
» James Brown Interviews E*Trade Baby (The NFL Today, 1-23-11)
» Lights and Omar in the closet (Lights Out, S01E03)
» "Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have 'network connectivity problems'" (Parks and Recreation, S03E02)


The Sixteen Worst Ways to Be Killed by Jason Statham

Here lies a man who lived his life

I was unaware that this was a television series – one that ran for five seasons! It sounds like a comedy sketch. "Jack Osbourne: Adrenaline Junkie!"

R&B star Craig David and Huey from the Fun Lovin' Criminals join Jack to spend a terrifying night strapped to the side of a cliff. [source]

Jack heads into the Canadian Rockies with Natalie Imbruglia and The Lord of the Rings star Billy Boyd. [source]

Ozzy Osbourne's son, a one-hit pop wonder, and a hobbit walk into the Canadian Rockies…

"He was also an enforcement junkie in Indiana."
"Oh that's right! With Erik Estrada."

Erik Estrada as a reserve police officer on Armed and Famous begat Steven Seagal as a reserve deputy sheriff in Louisiana, which shall beget…Deputy Butterbean, in which the former boxer serves and protects as a reserve police officer in Alabama.

Butterbean participating in narcotics raids is actually somewhat logical – more logical than Tony Danza teaching high school English.

Reality Idea: Celebrity Cake Shop. Celebrities make cakes.

"Bull on Night Court. Richard Moll."
"Kari Wuhrer."

A Brief History of David Letterman Trying to Act in Sitcoms and Movies
I've been trying since 2001 to produce an article ("Midnight Screenings") in which a panel of acting experts critiques film performances of late night talk show hosts. Letterman in Cabin Boy. Leno in Collision Course. Kimmel in Like Mike. Conan in Storytelling.

This can't be legit.

A Warrior's Heart (2011)

Plot Summary:

In shock and denial over his Marine father's death in battle, star lacrosse player Conor Sullivan, always a maverick and a hothead, starts acting out in self-destructive ways that have his mom, Claire, at her wit's end. But arduous training in a wilderness lacrosse camp under the tutelage of his dad's old combat buddy, Sgt. Major Duke Wayne, opens Conor's eyes to the true meaning of maturity, sportsmanship and manhood.

The Footage Is Forever

—Huh. That's two songs in this episode that we featured on an Adam Riff™ cribsheet – Say Hi – "November Was White, December Was Grey" (the week of 03.01.09) and…Future Islands – "Vireo's Eye" (the week of 06.27.10).

Neat conceit for the opening credits of Shameless (USA). Wonder how Cameron Monaghan feels about seeing himself masturbating at the beginning of each episode.

On Shameless (USA), Monaghan plays a gay teen who is sleeping with a closeted married father. On Terriers, Monaghan played a straight teen who almost unwittingly sleeps with a gay transvestite prostitute.

On the last Shameless (USA), Monaghan's character rebuffs the advances of a female classmate and is hunted by her brother, played by Noel Fisher, who, like Monaghan, guest-starred on Terriers. Assuming that Fisher is gay, as he is rumoured to be, then he is a gay lad playing a straight lad hunting a gay lad played by a straight lad.

Mike O'Malley is a writer for Shameless (USA). Yes, Mike O'Malley, host of Nickelodeon's Guts, and father of gay Kurt on Glee.

I'm trying to write an episode of Glee, but can't decide on which songs to use. I know that I want to end with gay Kurt covering Say Anything's "Alive with the Glory of Love."

Songs of losers and dreamers can be such a drag

—Why is there a half-eaten cake on the floor?
—Oh, um, at my last job, a vendor sent a bunch of them to the office, and I brought one home, because…free chocolate cake, but I grew sick of it.
—So you put it on the floor?
—To throw it away would be wasteful, but the smell of it was overwhelming the refrigerator.
—How long has it been sitting on the floor?
—Two months?
—It hasn't decomposed.

—How's the job search?
—Mmm… I don't seem to be qualified to do anything – the fruit of existential indifference – and I'm going stir crazy. My mother wants me to take classes on Linux device drivers, and C programming, and networking QA, et cetera, and I'm considering it.
—Hey, UCSD accepted me as a com sci student!
—Yeah, 11 years ago! I see you reaching for a calculator nowadays.

—I'd move if I had any confidence in my ability to score even a shit job in another city.
—Well, if you ended up in the same situation, at least you'd be living someplace less unbearable.
—That is true. Guh. No heart, no courage.
—No Dorothy.
—Heh. No…..what's the fourth one?
—Right. No brain.

More White People Problems

honestly fuming at the lineup…. i was expecting radiohead/daft punk [source]

This years crowd will SUCK! Look at the headliners: Kings of Fratland and Kanye Worst. After last years total brofest, my party of six are giving Coachella one more try. If it turns into anything like 2010, then we will find another safe haven. Deep down we all know that the Coachella we all know and love has been ruined. I'll try and have a good time this year, since I already know it will be the last time. [source]

frat bro's last year were playing Football IN, IN, the festival. I felt like walking over and stabbing the football with a knife [source]

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

3. The Office, S07E13
Michael, Erin, and a bottle of champagne

Honourable mention:
» Video Breakdown – Naked Guys Celebrating (Tosh.0, S03E02)
» OSN Girlfriends (The Onion SportsDome, S01E02)
» Andy's Gatorade shower (Parks and Recreation, S03E01)


The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2010

You could be your own spotlight

You may recognize Rashida Jones as Karen on The Office (USA), or Karen on Stella, or Karen on Freaks and Geeks. She delivers the memorable final line of dialogue in The Social Network, and returns to television tonight as Ann on Parks and Recreation.

Her father is music's Quincy Jones. Her father produced Michael Jackson's Thriller.

Her mother is actress Peggy Lipton – Norma on Twin Peaks.

She is a half-black Jew, like Drake.

Her sister was engaged to Tupac Shakur at the time of his death. She would have become 2Pac's sister-in-law, and 2Pac would have been Quincy Jones' son-in-law.

She was interested in becoming a lawyer, but O.J. Simpson's murder case disillusioned her. Two notorious 90s homicides altered her life.

She attended Harvard.

She was a contributing editor at Teen Vogue.

She co-wrote a screenplay, Celeste and Jesse Forever, with actor Will McCormack, who played Dr. Melfi's son on The Sopranos. Seth Gordon (The King of Kong) just signed on to direct.

She created a comic book series, Frenemy of the State, that follows a young female socialite who works undercover for the CIA. Before the first issue was released, Universal bought the film rights. She will co-write a screenplay.

She sang back-up vocals on Maroon 5's debut and sophomore albums.

Her ex-boyfriends include: Tobey Maguire, Mark Ronson, Seth Meyers, John Krasinski (whom she also dated on The Office), and Barack Obama's head speechwriter.

Heaven 2 Hell

Previously on Adam Riff™:

This is the first volume of the Blood Bros – a DJ duo creating mixtapes of the best of 80s action movie soundtracks. The mix is 100% designed to follow the course of a film, starting with Training, moving on to the Fight….then finally, celebrating the triumph over the rival.

Another round of 80s Action soundtracks, but with a '2nd in the trilogy' twist. [source]

And Garth Marenghi's Darkplace.

If desperate's a crime, then I'm a lifer

—I was listening to end of the Bears vs. Seahawks game on the radio, and Kevin Kugler said, "Catering for our crew provided by Subway." Lucky them.
—Speaking of which, Subway raised its prices.
—You sure you didn't just patronize a fringe franchise, like that Quiznos?
—I visited two Subways, and at both, tuna footlongs are now $6 instead of $5.
—Oh noes!
—Hey, every penny counts. I just received my auto insurance invoice. $1322 annual premium!
—Well, it's $380 more than I paid last year because of the accident.
—Oh noes!