I'm what time and circumstance have made me


Jon, say "hello" to Aunt Veronique.
—Wow, you haven't aged at all!

—Crystal bought a house?
—Yup. In Long Beach.
—Married at 22, homeowner at 26.

—What are you eating?
—A failure pile of Thanksgiving leftovers.
—Is that a slice of pumpkin pie?

—Hey! Didn't expect to be woken up by you.
—Sorry. When did we last talk?
—Two-and-a-half years ago? [accesses her dossier] Yeah, July 18, 2008.
—Damn. So how are you?
—I am, heh, temping at age 28 for $9.50 an hour. And you and Doug?
—Uh…we divorced.
—I married too young.
—Well, at least you don't have a child.
—I'm currently applying to grad school.
—Ah… Grad school. The solution to all of life's problems.
—Remember Mike?
—"Mike and Amanda" Mike?
—Yeah. I'm chatting with him and he says he missed you at your 10th anniversary high school reunion.
—Oh. So it did happen.
—Why am I learning about my high school reunion from two people I met in college?


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

47. So You Think You Can Dance: Belgium and The Netherlands
This may or may not be real. It also may or may not be safe for work.

Honourable mentions:
» "How you know I drive a Packard?" (Boardwalk Empire, S01E10)
» "Gentlemen, to bed, for we leave at 9:30." (The Trip, S01E04)
» Oprah's Favourite Things – Bees! (Conan, 11-23-10)


White Pepper

"Excuse me, sir, do you use cologne?"

"Wait, the macaroni and cheese is $21?"

"Is there a 'select the right cold medicine for you' app? This aisle is like a 'spot the differences' puzzle for masochists."

"Guh. Why must I be a completionist?"

"Pass me the spicy tuna rolls."

The Blowtorch's Big Book of Basketball Facts by Trey Kerby


Because you're temporarily handicapped?

Somewhere in my storage closet is a Michigan license plate that reads THE ROCK. I still wonder how Jord obtained it.

In high school, I drove a Ford Thunderbird that my cousin Eddie drove while attending Cal in the eighties.

"Why does your license plate read 'winnie-win'?"
"It's WIN, I WIN, sans comma and spaces."

Edward was a confident golden bear.

At the same time, my mother drove a minivan with a license plate that combined the names of my brother Winston and I – JON WIN.

Most people read it, however, as "Jon Wins" in Engrish.

"How much Jon win?"
"Jon win five dolla!"

So I drove a car with a license plate that read WINIWIN, and my mother drove a car with a license plate that read JON WIN, and we normally parked our cars adjacently in our driveway, and I sometimes borrowed her car.

Making Jokes at My Mother's Funeral: A Defense of Gallows Humor
Kinect Titty Tracker

Pure Guava

Rayne must defeat the Commandant and his vampire troops before they manage to get back to Berlin, where they intend to make Hitler immortal. [source]

Unbeknownst to me, this is the third BloodRayne film.

BloodRayne 2: Deliverance:

The town of Deliverance, Montana is expecting the arrival of the first Transcontinental Railroad in one week. Along with the railroad, however, arrives a vampiric Billy the Kid.

Using the railway, the 357-year old Transylvanian is building an army of cowboy vampires to take over the country and create a vampire kingdom in the New World.

Quantum Leap: Vampire Slayer!!!!!

I (rather unexpectedly) tip my hat to Uwe Boll. Lemons into lemonade. Send her to Woodstock next!

Wife listening to her husband talk to himself as he watches 'Oprah's Favorite Things' episode

Chocolate and Cheese

"Oh. I thought this was a dipping sauce for the fries, but it's dipping gravy for the sandwich."

I cannot stop eating Thanksgiving sandwiches and wonder why eateries don't offer them year-round. I can get breakfast all day, but not stuffing in a sandwich…in May.

And where the Thanksgiving burritos at? I can get breakfast in a burrito everywhere during the month of November, but not stuffing.

The Late November is Boloco's take on a Thanksgiving burrito that includes house-roasted turkey, homemade stuffing, green beans, and tangy cranberry chutney wrapped in a flour tortilla. [source]

New England.

Steamrollers is running their insane turkey burrito again. Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, and cranberries. And it's in a damned tortilla. [source]

British Columbia.


Idea: Thanksgiving in a can. Pour it between two slices of bread, or on a tortilla.

Drew: http://www.mysupermarket.co.uk/tesco-price-comparison/Tinned_Beans/Crosse_And_Blackwell_Hunger_Breaks_All_Day_Breakfast_395g.html


Man, fuck breakfast.

Wait, the "egg nuggets" in the canned breakfast are "scotch egg-style bits" – hard-boiled eggs.

I could not stuff an American breakfast inside a can…but I could can an American holiday!

Breakfast burritos are like Mexican fortune cookies.

The Evolution of Neville Longbottom
The Video Guide To Females Farting On Film
12 Ridiculous Vibrators That Really Exist

The Mollusk

"I think my 10th anniversary high school reunion is this week, but I'm way out of the loop."

"I would rather dance with them than reminisce."
"That excruciating?"

127 Hours

I was skeptical that Aron Ralston's story could sustain a feature film, but Danny Boyle adroitly adapted it into a meditation on human solitude. How you respond will probably depend on your social history.

The amputation scene is wicked pissa, as is A.R. Rahman's score and the delayed title credit.

Lizzy Caplan is billed in the opening credits for approximately one minute of screen time and three off-camera lines of dialogue.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

Doubling up to reach 52 by year's end.

45. Glee

46. Misfits
Hot sex.

Honourable mentions:
» Cafeteria Fraiche opening (South Park, S14E14)
» Ugly Americans, S01E14 (the whole episode)
» Layers of deception (Community, S02E09)


Ghostface Killah – One of many memories with Dirt.