Annie's Beard

In episode 111 of Marc Maron's podcast, Louis C.K. shares an unproduced screenplay he wrote:

[Annie's Beard] was about a woman, a pretty young woman, who works in show business, based on Lorne Michaels' assistants (he had all these blond assistants back then), like a mean-spirited pretty girl who works for a big studio mogul and drives a Jetta. One day, she's talking on the phone, she's driving, and she plows into a kid and kills a kid, and the kid happens to be a girl who has a beard, like a full man's beard.

So she has this beard and you just see it. It's not made a big deal out of. You see the kid get hit. The kid has a beard. And she's vilified by the L.A. community. You know, it's press. Big sensational trial. Gorgeous rich woman on a phone killing a kid. So she's on trial and the dead girl has a little brother who… What happens is the family of the girl is so nice and they don't want to ruin this woman's life. They don't want her to go to prison. "Please don't ruin her life. We lost our little girl. We don't want…" And the judge is very moved by this. And the little boy tells this story that their father had a beard, and he died, and that the girl willed herself to grow a beard as a monument to him, and said, "As long as I wear this beard, he'll never die." And now she's gone. "So could she grow a beard?" the little boy asks the judge.

And so the judge says, "You have to get a beard. Not like a fake beard, but you have to really grow a beard and keep it for the 10 years you would have done in prison." And so there's this scene where they graft a beard onto her, like they do this whole crazy, just fuckin' insane thing, and she wears a beard, and she has a probation officer who just makes sure, like gives it a tug and makes sure it's there always. She's not allowed to obscure it. There's a whole thing where she goes to a store where they sell burqas and other Middle Eastern…and learns about concealing beauty and what that means to Muslims and stuff. It destroys her life. She can't work in television – it's a cosmetic industry. So it's about her coming to terms with her life and her value as a person, and her beard. At one point, she shaves it and runs off and there's helicopters chasing her like The Fugitive.

I was obsessed with it. I tried to get it made for three years.

4 thoughts on "Annie's Beard"

  1. Ah…you should check out the Diamond Daggers then. They're a burlesque/vaudeville performance group based in San Francisco (where else?) lead by a married queer couple — two women — both with totally natural beards. No testosterone necessary; just natural chin hairs.

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