New York nightlife isn't shit without a storyboard

"Who are you supposed to be?"
"I'm a Primanti Bros. sandwich."
"Before I arrived, I gorged on pastrami, provolone cheese, french fries, cole slaw, and tomatoes."


"No? [sigh] Maybe if I was Italian… Or covered in stacks of Euros."

"Because 'bread' is slang fo–"
"I get it."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

41. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Ostrich Dee

Honourable mentions:
» Van Alden flagellating himself (Boardwalk Empire, S01E06)
» John McCain: "The system is broken" record (The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, 10-26-10)
» The house of horrors (Modern Family, S02E06)


I want my clue to be down, not across

"Have you seen Straight to Hell (1987)?"

"No. Why?"

"I received a notice for a screening of Straight To Hell Returns, a new version 'featuring enhanced violence and cruelty.'"


"Look at this fucking cast: Joe Strummer, Courtney Love, The Pogues, Elvis Costello, Dennis Hopper, Grace Jones, Jim Jarmusch, The Circle Jerks…"

"Juan Uribe…"


"IMDb lists Juan Uribe as part of the cast."


"Oh never mind. Different Juan Uribe – Juan Uribe (I). The baseball player is Juan Uribe (III)."

"'Filmography: Sunday Night Baseball (TV series). Himself – Chicago White Sox Second Baseman.'"

"IMDb users award Sunday Night Baseball 6.1 out of 10 stars."

"According to Wikipedia, Alex Cox turned down the opportunity to direct ¡Three Amigos! in order to direct Straight to Hell."

"IMDb users award ¡Three Amigos! 6.0 out of 10 stars. Jon Miller, Joe Morgan, and Orel Hershiser > Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, and Martin Short."

"Randy Newman co-wrote ¡Three Amigos!?"

"Yeah, with Steve Martin and Lorne Michaels."

"Would you say ¡Three Amigos! had a plethora of writers?"

"A what?"

"À propos of earlier, Dennis Hopper recorded a GPS voice before his death!"

"'You have reached your final destination.'"


Tuesday was a bad day. Voigt really wanted a pickle. He soaked a potato in pickle juice. And then he ate the potato.

Man Now Regrets All-Potato Stunt Diet

One day's meal was composed of [instant potatoes] for breakfast, [three small bags of chips and] one baked potato for lunch, and an order of french fries at McDonald’s for dinner.

The Year in Don Johnson

Don Johnson accompanies D-Generation X to the ring when co-hosting WWE Raw with Jon "Napoleon Dynamite" Heder.

Don Johnson hunts Mexicans with Robert De Niro in Machete.

Don Johnson betrays his son Kenny Powers on Eastbound and Down.

Don Johnson offers LeBron James advice in a Nike ad.

IMDb synopses for Don Johnson's next two films:

A group of 30-year-olds who have been friends since high school attempt to throw an end-of-summer orgy.

A kid from the Midwest moves out to Hollywood in order to follow in his parents footsteps — and become a porn star.

1. Don Johnson plays lead Jason Sudeikis' father.

2. Don Johnson plays a moustachioed, down-on-his-luck porn movie director who takes lead Nick Swardson under his sleazy wing.

A Brief, Polite Note On Behavior From The Demon In 'Paranormal Activity 2'

A plethora of piñatas

The cast of John Carter of Mars includes Taylor Kitsch, Dominic West, and Bryan Cranston.

Any way to work Jon Hamm in in post-production? Or into a sequel? Edgar Rice Burroughs wrote 11 Barsoom books.

John Carter of Mars 2: Taylor Kitsch, James Gandolfini, and Jon Hamm.
John Carter of Mars 3: Taylor Kitsch, Ian McShane, and Michael Emerson.

John Carter of Mars finished shooting last July and is set for release in June 2012. Transformers: The Dark of the Moon is still shooting and is set for release next July.

Is it a baby, or is it a snail?

Beverly Hills Times Magazine?

The Clippers are being marketed like a shitty movie.

"The funniest team of the year!" – Piolín Sotelo (KSCA 101.9 La Nueva).

UFC president Dana White is reportedly talking to Fox about filling the network's hole on late Saturday nights against Saturday Night Live.

He also plans to launch a UFC Network to compete with Vince McMahon's planned WWE Network.

"UFC Network doesn't play fights anymore."
"Coming up: Paranormal Gyms, followed by Sliver, starring Sharon Stone."

My Bears have converted 15 of 84 third downs this season, dead last in the NFL.
Jay Cutler has been sacked 27 times this season, first among NFL quarterbacks by a 7-sack margin.
My Bruins have passed for 732 yards this season, 117th out of 120 FBS football teams.
Kevin Prince ends his season with 3 touchdowns, 5 interceptions, 14 sacks, and a knee injury.

The World's Largest Gummy Worm Is Wrong On So Many Levels
You Don't Want to Know What Eminem Gave Elton John for a Gay-Marriage Present


"Five dollars! Five dollars!" the dirty impostor shouted as he swiped at a tourist's camera with his dirty red paw. "No five dollars, no picture of Elmo."

"It's a free country. Don't touch me," said Amanda Kelly-Knox, 36, as she angrily steered her baby stroller away.

"Ok, give Elmo two dollars. Two dollars for Elmo picture."

Sick, touchy Elmo returns to Times Square

Absolute Denial of the Ultimate Nullifier

Challenge: Flying Sugar. Four sugar artists must create a fantasy flying machine out of sugar that moves through the air.

Food Network Challenge Idea: Edible Love Dolls (Love Doll Cakes?).

"McDonald's food doesn't decompose" exposés annoy me to no end. They are not scientific experiments – they are just smug experiments. We all know that fast food is unhealthy, but it's also affordable, and it decomposes in your body, so it can't be completely devoid of nutritional value.

At Safeway, I was greeted by a sign that informed me that if I did not find their produce fresh and delicious, they would replace it and refund my money.

I would probably only find their produce not fresh or not delicious while cooking with it or eating it, however, in which cases returning to Safeway for replacement produce would be a hassle.

Moreover, how do you prove to Safeway that their produce wasn't delicious? Because if scout's honour is sufficient, then…hello out-of-season produce!

In the freezer section, I stumbled upon Drumstick-flavoured Dreyer's ice cream – ice-cream-treat-flavoured ice cream. A bit odd, no? It's like Bagel-Bites-flavoured bagels.


Available November 16:

Eh… 176 pages of comments and observations by a ghost writer? For $16.95?

Like John Teller's manifesto, Roger Sterling's memoir is almost assuredly better in theory.

Kenny Powers' audiobook, on the other hand…

22 Short Excerpts From My Internal Monologue During a Documentary Film on Johann Sebastian Bach.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

40. Ugly Americans
The trial of Twayne the Bone Raper.

Honourable mentions:

"Ham farts?"
"No. Not ham farts – pancetta gas."
(The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret, S01E03)

Peggy and Joan commiserate
(Mad Men, S04E13)

A capella Inception score (feat. Matt Hasselbeck)
(South Park, S14E10)


'Skins': See the trailer for MTV's adaptation