Turn around, bright eyes

The east coast story:

A cage fighter allegedly gouged out another man's heart and eyes after drinking mushroom tea.

Taylor Powell bled to death after his heart was removed from his body while still alive, according to his death certificate.

The west coast story:

The body had the majority of its face removed, and an 18-inch incision in its chest cavity. Wyatt said he'd cut out Powell's tongue, and that he'd removed his heart.

Riese said that the act of mutilating Powell's body itself took a substantial amount of time and showed evidence of intent, and that the removal of Powell's face showed extreme, callous indifference.

Sooooo which one is it: Temple of Doom or The Last Crusade?

You'll never die and you'll never grow old

The first-ever World Poutine-Eating Championship

Oof. Smoke's poutine is devastating. It's fuckin'…based on the novel Push by Sapphire.

The winner, Pat "Deep Dish" Bertoletti, consumed 13 pounds of poutine in 10 minutes. For his effort, he received $750 CAD.

Effective July 1, 2010, Subway is officially changing the standard process of placing sliced cheese on sandwiches (in Oceania, at least). Unnecessary dairy overlap resolved! (in one continent)

4Food will serve burgers with a twist: the [patties] have [donut] holes in them which can be filled with one of 40 "scoops," including edamame, hummus, salsa, and veggie chili.

Conical pizza, annular burger patties – Oh, New York City…

If the customer chooses to name their creation, they can market it and receive $.25 in store credit for every customized burger they sell.

A 240 square foot monitor will stream Foursquare checkins, Tweets, and info from the restaurant. [source]

Filling the core of a burger patty seems impractical. I imagine you will have to take big bites to enjoy the filling(s) with the encircling meat. What if you have a tiny mouth?

There are regrettable tattoos, and there is the Bentley logo on Nate Robinson's throat.

A Helpful Guide to the People of the Northwest
The Horrorshow That Is the Republicans' Internet Suggestion Box

Would she go down with you to the theatre?

Bryan Danielson vs. Michael Cole and The Miz is an absurdly entertaining angle.

Fast forward to 3:30 for the fireworks.

The Miz: "You're future endeavoured!" = DEAD.

The guy with the eyeball on Raw Monday night was the newest member of the creative team. Taking his eyeball out was how he got hired, believe it or not. [source]

Wasn't Droz hired because he could vomit on command? Stupid Human Resources.

Roddy Piper will be performing [Thursday] night at the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club. [source]

Jon Lovitz has a comedy club?

Jon Lovitz has a comedy club!!!

Making art is an act of courage

Twitter Page Background Tile of the Day: RyanCCope

Which one is the kicker? I can't decide.

"Back to you, I_Make_Em_Cum!"

Godwin's Law: "As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1."

Gudwin's Law: "As the number of definitions for an Urban Dictionary entry increases, the probability of one involving sex acts approaches 1."

While researching information for a tweet, I looked up "dead presidents" in the Urban Dictionary and sure enough:

The definitions of "flaming dragon" read like a round of adult Balderdash.

The truth behind cinematic apocalypses (and how much we should worry about them)
The first horror film in one single continuous shot

The only girl I've ever loved was born with roses in her eyes

I dreamed last night of a museum where all the exhibits were loving re-creations of different sitcom sets: Family Ties, The Jeffersons, Friends. The most interesting thing was that each of them was actually built with the "fourth wall" that home viewers could never see. In my dream, these ungainly trapezoids that look like no real living room you've ever seen actually worked architecturally with a fourth wall in place. [source]

Building the fourth wall of a sitcom set would be an interesting Photoshop or reality challenge.

Why doesn't a Museum of Television Sets exist? I think people would totally pay to see The Hatch or The Man's Kitchen in person.

Remember when The Manhattan Transfer appeared on Tool Time? WTF?

miniature re-creations of famous television sets
The Dirty Yearbook: A High-School Rite Of Passage

Are science fiction and heart mutually exclusive? One word answer: Cocoon.

Did you consider showing the recovery of Bill Prady’s corpse after Dana shoved it into the wall at CTU?
Yes, we did. But it was a scene we never got to. We figured it takes five hours for a body to decompose and by then, the season is over. That's what we told ourselves, anyway.

"Shut it down."


"Are you crying?"
"What? No! I… What is that smell?!"
"Sorry, I forgot to put on deodorant today."
"No, it's not you, Cole…"


Student drank soda poop; classmate booked
Children are the future and that includes the South Jersey student who allegedly defecated in a classmate's soda and those who laughed as the classmate unwittingly drank it.

The Philadelphia Daily News, ladies and gents.

How do you poop in someone's pop without him or her noticing?

It happened inside a classroom.

He did it in class?!

South Jersey, ladies and gents.

Weekend Salsa

True Legend

The director of Iron Monkey (and action choreographer of The Matrix and Kill Bill) returns with a 3D variation on the legend of Beggar So/Su, the man who pioneered the art of Drunken Fist.

Because Su defeats the true villain of True Legend in its middle act, the film concludes with him in Hong Kong surviving a melee against a bunch of Western goons managed by David Carradine. The "final boss" somehow defeats himself delivering an electric chair drop. It's a lukewarm ending, but it's logical. What drives Su to beggardom is tied to the villain's comeuppance, and "Beggar Su" must achieve legendary status somehow. More white on yellow violence, though? I know such fights are historical, but…I can get enough, Chinese film industry.

a clip

Barely Hanging On Wrestler Of The Week: Scott Hall
Hulk Hogan Sues Cocoa Pebbles

Weekend Chips


I did not feel it at all.

The highlights of MacGruber are 1. The Big Show kisses another man and 2. Ryan Phillippe sticks celery in his ass, and combined, that's only like 30 seconds out of 99 minutes.

Amar'e hung 42 on the Lakers yesterday to redeem the shame of being associated with this film.

Killer Asparagus Plagues Small Town

I grab the mic and get down, like syndrome

Ten years ago today, Eminem's The Marshall Mathers LP was released.

Considering the brouhaha over its homophobic lyrics, Kathy Griffin's presence in the video for the album's first single ("The Real Slim Shady") is retroactively amazing.

Griffin said Eminem selected her for the video because Snoop Dogg told him she was "really funny." [source]

Lou Reed will be putting on a concert exclusively for dogs

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

17. 24 (what else?)

This text will be replaced

And the remix:

I believe President Logan, Cheng Zhi and Mandy are the only villains to survive three seasons and remain alive.

Kiefer Sutherland: "There was one I loved [in Season 5] where I was trying to get information from Peter Weller [who played Christopher Henderson], so I tortured his wife, JoBeth Williams. I was such a fan of those two actors, and she was so game for me shooting her in the knee."

Kiefer: "Ryan Chappelle." [source]

Ah yes… The one where Chappelle dies – one of 24's best (and most shocking and controversial) episodes, which President Bush unceremoniously bumped to hold a prime time press conference on Iraq and the war on terror.

Re-scheduled for the following Sunday, it garnered the lowest ratings of any episode of 24 through its first six seasons.

The Men of Lost: Every single character, ranked in terms of sexiness.
The Women of Lost: Every single character, ranked by sexiness.
'Lost' finale party invite


Four Benadryls

Reading that Discovery is adapting Family Game Night into a game show led me to Hasbro's Family Game Night web site, which led me to

You guys! It's Connect 4 Plinko!

As for U-Build Mouse Trap… "Don't get trapped as you search for cheese in outer space"? WHAT?


Some Wii games are more equal than others.

From the developers of

When I saw "Coldstone" I was like "OMG! It's probably exactly like working at a real Coldstone where you get to measure and mix ice cream, sing songs for tips, make milkshakes and smoothies and coffee drinks, and make and decorate cakes. No instead, it's a game where you scoop ice cream. Coldstone doesn't SCOOP ice cream! [source]

"Satisfy crowds in five different cities around the world." Oooooh! Can Mario do that?

Anthony Bourdain on Guy Fieri:

I don't dislike Guy Fieri, I realized, after many viewings of his cooking shows, much soul-searching at my personal ashram and many doses of prescription hypnotics. I just dislike – really dislike – the idea that somebody would put Texas-style barbecue inside a fucking nori roll.

Who gets a tattoo of Guy Fieri that close to their penis?
Perhaps The Weirdest Craigslist Room Rental Ad Ever

Staring at candles, high on Bud Light

Jason Williams' tattoos perplex me. They are plastered on his body with seemingly no rhyme or reason. He looks like an office birthday card.

Williams' tattoos reportedly include: a panther, a dragon, "insane" in Japanese, a wolf holding a basketball, an eye (on his chest), and "white boy" (across his knuckles).

Meanwhile, A.J. Burnett's tattoos include: Bruce Lee, an Aztec symbol, a skull rosary, and "the guy from 300."

My first tat was a picture of me pitching. It's actually my delivery. It's covered up now, I got a Godzilla sleeve that covered it up. [source]


Idea: A reality show that follows the Stanley Cup's escorts during the NHL's off-season.

The New Yorker "Boomerang Generation" Cover by Daniel Clowes
Seven Absurd 'From the Hood' Films
Glee's cover of Beck's "Loser"

Adam Riff™ Television's 2010-11 Primetime Schedule

It is upfronts week, and today is ARTV's day to present. Without further ado…

8:00-9:00PM THE BENDS
9:00-10:00PM CLASS OF 2000

8:00-9:00PM HEAT
9:00-10:00PM PROTOTYPE

8:00-9:00PM SOLITARY
9:00-10:00PM NEW KOREA

9:00-9:30PM NO HEROICS
9:30-10:00PM ACHEWOOD


Note: We do not program on weekends.

The Bends
The genesis and journey of a rock band that will never achieve more than moderate success. (drama)

Class of 2000
Each episode follows one member of a particular high school's Class of 2000 in two alternating stories – one set sometime during high school and one set sometime after high school. (drama)

Follow the drama behind the scenes of a fictional pro wrestling federation. (drama)

A government agent loses an arm during a mission and agrees to alpha-test a bionic replacement arm in the field. (drama)

Fox Reality Channel may be dead, but its best show lives on. (reality)

New Korea
In 2050, North Korea is liberated, but what remains is deemed uninhabitable. Facing grave overpopulation in the rest of the world, however, the United Nations promotes the former country as a "land of opportunity." Welcome to the wild wild east. (drama)

Child Actors
The adventures of three friends, all former child actors. One is a successful adult actor, one is a struggling adult actor, and one is no longer an actor. In addition, the successful actor's son is a budding child actor. (comedy)

Rules For My Unborn Son
A twist on didactic family sitcoms inspired by the titular tumblelog. (comedy)

No Heroics
A revival of a short-lived British comedy. Think It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia with superheroes. (comedy)

An animated adaptation of Chris Onstad's popular web comic. (comedy)

Friday Night Curling
Weekly champions return until they lose. (sports)

Seven-Second Delay
Live telecasts of live music in its natural habitat. Its time slot allows for talent flexibility, from an opening act's set on the west coast to a headliner's set on the east coast. (music)

Breaking News

Breaking Bad is now on ABC (via Alex)

@poniewozik Next week's #BreakingBad is like BB's "Pine Barrens," plus. Wow.

Rian Johnson (Brick, The Brothers Bloom) directed the episode.

@KenTremendous Just rewatched #Sopranos "Pine Barrens." If I ever write something that good, I will promptly retire and just grin for the rest of my life.

I'll explain everything to the geeks

The Kumon logo is known as the "Thinking Face." [source]

Yeah, thinking about killing itself.

I don't see "thinking." I see "confused" and/or "miserable," which are not feelings you want your logo to convey if you're an educational enterprise.

The face should be smiling. "Yay! Learning!" Or in my case: "Yay! Stealing!"

Kumon enabled my juvenile kleptomania. After "class," I would filch magazines from a neighbouring Safeway. TV Guide and Disney Adventures fit snugly inside my Kumon case.

I stole TV Guides to memorize programming schedules.


Do You Enjoy herding Cats?
We are seeking a sales and customer service professional with at least 15 years of relevant experience who is adept at herding cats and thinking on their feet.

Entry level position in Purchasing
Qualifications: 3+ years Buyer experience (preferred)

Proof Reader and Formatter
While performing the duties of this job, the employee is regularly required to sit, stand, use hands and fingers, reach with hands and arms, talk and hear. This position requires close vision, depth perception and the visual ability to adjust focus.


I'm gonna print this out and put it in my wallet for motivation.

If Pete Hammond can get a job, so can I.

Funniest film of the year… Compared to what? Cop Out? The best comedy of the year so far is undoubtedly a sitcom.

Steven Carrell couldn't lift his lumbering feature about Maxwell Smart, the '60s version of MacGruber, off the ground–but maybe he needed Jorma Taccone at the controls. [source]

Steven Carrell. It's a classy misspelling.

This movie also has the funniest sex scene since the South Park movie with the puppets.

The South Park movie with the puppets.


If Elise Nakhnikian can get a job, so can I.