Size of Your Life

"Hi. The card reader won't let me pass because I 'just used' my MetroCard. How long must I wait before I can use it again?"
"18 minutes."
"18 minutes?"

I had entered one side of the Avenue J station before realizing that I could only board outbound trains on that side.

How do I cross…? There is no bridge?

I couldn't wait 18 minutes – I had promised my friend-since-high-school Javy that I would return his spare set of keys by 1:45 – so I purchased a SingleRide ticket on top of my Unlimited Ride card.

What's another $2.25?

"Jon, we've decided to let you go."

When I returned to Javy's apartment, he brusquely (and unexpectedly) informed me that he no longer cared to be my friend.

"I'm done with you."

"Did you congratulate me on my film?"
"Well, I didn't hear you."

"Did you attend the after-party?
"Why not?"
"Because I didn't want to embarrass you or kill your buzz."
"You spent the past week openly disparaging my clothes and my shoes and my drinking habits and my…deodorant – I was being considerate."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have to refuel in Salt Lake City because we wasted an hour changing runways four times at JFK."


At the airport, I discovered that I had forgotten my laptop's power adapter at Javy's apartment.

Maybe he'll send it to me?

Oof. $79.00 for a replacement.

"I know your family's well-off, so you'll be okay."


"I just… We plan to hire more people and I don't want your negativity bringing them down. You're like House, the television doctor."

"You've never said anything good about my writing!"

But I've always helped you with editing when you've asked. I've always woken you up with a phone call when you've asked. I've always updated your web site soon after you've asked. I spent my first day in New York City designing and printing postcards for your film because you asked…

I suspect Javy disowned me for not being an overtly affectionate person.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we need to take-off within 20 minutes or else we'll be grounded in Salt Lake City until tomorrow."

Guh. I have to work in 12 hours!

When I arrived at the office, I discovered that my boss had changed the locks on the doors. An unfamiliar girl eventually let me in.

I entered my office.

Why are the boxes now labeled? Inventory forms?

Oh shit. I'm totally getting fired today.

I thought he was just interviewing for a receptionist before I left…

"How was your trip?"

Courtesy, Professionalism, Respect and Young

Times Square fascinates me.

It is a tourist attraction because it is perceived as a tourist attraction, but in reality, there is no substantive attraction for tourists to see. The primary attraction is…advertisements. Remove the…advertisements and the "Crossroads of the World" is a Walgreens and an Olive Garden and some bleachers.

Times Square is Super Bowl XXXV.

Central Park constitutes its own United States census tract, number 143. According to Census 2000, the park's population is eighteen persons, twelve male and six female, with a median age of 38.5 years, and a household size of 2.33, over 3 households. [source]

Golden Gate Park is 20 percent larger than Central Park. According to Census 2000, tract number 603's population is 137 people.

$350 is a steep fine for honking.

Brooklyn like a sea in the asphalt stalks

Previously on Adam Riff™:

This past summer, The Secret Life of the American Teenager introduced an openly gay high school freshman whose two older brothers are also gay.


I tuned in for Sunday's season premiere of The Amazing Race, however, and…

Gay brothers!!!

My buddy introduced me to his buddies – gay Republican identical twin brothers from Tennessee.

Head asplode Headtember 11.

Not sure how I feel about this official 9/11 gift shop, which sells a novelization of Man on Wire and DVD copies of United 93.

I've encountered no less than twelve street vendors peddling photographs of a street sign that reads: "Gay St."

Spotted one of these in the wild.

Fully Persuaded for Children and Families is an odd name for an organization.

"…ugly ass nigga walking by me right now…"

I looked around.

I think he was talking about me.

I discovered You People Hip Hop Weekly at a newsstand beside F.E.D.S. (Finally Every Dimension of the Streets). "Mannie Fresh Rips Cash Money: 'I went through close to slavery!'"

I wanted to stand on the arms of the Williamsburg Bridge and cry "Hey man, well this is Babylon," but couldn't figure out which part of a bridge constitutes the "arms."

The sight of orthodox Jews working out cracks me up.

Circadian Blues

Metro is such a shitty paper. In Toronto, they literally can't give it away. Homeless people produce better papers.

When selecting a subway station ad design, marketers should ask themselves: "Which one could be defaced most hilariously?"

Does that sign say 6th Avenue or 8th?

It looks like a 6.

No, it's an 8. Dammit!

– Foreign Subway Station Exit Roulette

The 24-hour Best Buy in Union Square should simulcast midnight movies on all the televisions.

Today: The world premiere of Sons of Perdition, a documentary that follows three male teenage Mormon exiles.

Downtown Owl

JetBlue DirecTV carries VH1 Classic, but not ABC. I missed Modern Family (rerun – phew!) but caught Stephen A. Smith discussing racism with Sean Hannity.

"Hey, where is JFK Airport?"
"I can't see it on this kiosk map."
"Where are you?"
"I'm inside the airport, at the Welcome Center. I see LaGuardia…"

"Also: Where is Brooklyn? I picked up this map of Brooklyn, but it doesn't show where it is relative to the rest of the city. It's just a map of Brooklyn."
"Why don't you own a smart phone?"

"How much was the taxi ride?"
"$51. I gave the driver $60."
"You tipped too much."
"He deserved it for passing cars on a single-lane loop ramp."

Today: The North American premiere of The Sentimental Engine Slayer, Omar Rodríguez-López's (At the Drive-In, The Mars Volta) directorial debut.

I probably should've viewed the trailer before purchasing tickets.


The 50 best author vs. author put-downs of all time

Irony is a warm gun


The bag of Fritos I'm eating claims that Fritos are "the official snack of Minor League Baseball." Okay…

Right Guard is "the official deodorant of the NBA."

Right Guard Total Defense 5 is some space-age shit.

"PowerStripe! Blocks sweat! Time-released! Targets bacteria! Neutralizes odor! Protectate! Protects 48 hours!"

Idea: A deodorant-inspired RPG. Play as a stick of your favourite brand. Grind against armpits to level up your sweat-blocking and bacteria-targeting abilities, or your release period. Equip yourself with a power stripe or a gelatinous invisibility cloak.

The Shape of Punk to Come sucks
Dallas Suburbs to Become Collection of Massive Stadiums
11 Brilliant Arrested Development Shout Outs To Its Actors' Past Roles

Absinthe Party at the Fly Honey Warehouse

ESPN did not to increase its bid to televise the NCAA men's basketball tournament, and an reader opined:

How disheartening to know that this kind of money is being thrown around for viewing rights to a game. Meanwhile, millions of people continue to die because adequate drinking water through properly constructed drinking wells isn't financially available. [source]

I see variations of that comment frequently on the Internet and wonder if the people behind them truly care about human suffering in developing countries.

If adequate drinking water is so important to you that you even raise the issue in your comments on an article on college basketball telecast rights, then why are you commenting on an article on college basketball telecast rights while millions of people continue to die?

How can you comment on articles when millions of people are suffering in developing countries?

Methinks you're just exploiting them for a cheap talking point.

Human suffering can undercut any issue, good or bad, because all possible rebuttals reflect poorly on the rebutter.

"How can you spend money on heating in winter when millions of people are suffering in developing countries?"
"But I'm freezing!"

'Obama' nightclub opens its doors in Shanghai
Dunkin Donuts Reveals Top 12 Fan-Created Donuts
MLB All Fat Guy Team for 2010

Weekend Nachos


» My problem with Kick-Ass is Kick-Ass himself. He's…not interesting. His story is more or less a teenage phase on film, whereas Big Daddy and Hit Girl have purpose. They want revenge; he wants a girl. They're Jack Bauer; he's Kim.

» The Spirit 3 – heh.

» So Big Daddy sees Kick-Ass on television and adds a costume element to his revenge plot on a whim?

» MySpace: faithful to the source material or laughable creative decision?

» That Red Mist's car repeatedly rolls down the same stretch of Yonge Street in Toronto amused me.

» I can't hear "The Surface of the Sun" without thinking of Kaneda's death in Sunshine. [redacted]'s immolation is considerably less epic.

» More nepotistic cast: The Expendables or Grown Ups?

NBA Playoffs

» ESPN's score bar is hideous. I hate how the typeface used for team names and statistics renders a capital "J." It's inconsistent and very poorly kerned.

» Alternative camera angles should be saved for replays. If you can't switch angles in the middle of a play, then don't switch angles to begin with.

» Reality Show Idea: Ron Artest and Cheryl Miller give couples makeovers.

NHL Playoffs

» I wonder if the jingle for is "Expedia dot-caaah!"

» More sports should shame players during games. Idea: Redesign NBA basketball hoop stands so that if a player receives a technical foul, he must sit inside the opposing team's (transparent) hoop stand for two minutes and get slimed after every made shot.

Is Baseball Running Out of Milestones?
Teen Girl With No Vagina Pregnant by Sperm Survival from Oral Sex
"Miracles" Explained

Microwaved Garbage

An OMGWTFDVD round-up.

Fraternity Massacre at Hell Island
"A maniacal clown reaps personal revenge on unsuspecting frat boys. Pledge Jack Jones must quickly formulate a plan to stop the clown, save his brothers, and find the courage to come out of the closet before the sun rises."

Holla If You Hear Me Kill You
"A masked maniac stalks a group of hip-hop recording artists though a recording studio."

"Death" is wearing Groucho glasses.

"A young musician is seduced by a touring rock band called 'Neowolf' with a hungry habit that comes with the full moon."

Death Metal: Are We Watching You Die?
Metal Retardation: Are You Metally Retarded?

Are rhetorical questions metal?

This Is Canoeing

Avatar fans are learning how to speak Na'vi
Blizzard makes $500K an hour selling imaginary horse in World of Warcraft
The Secret of L.A.'s 10-Year-Old Fake Freeway Sign

Woolly Imbibe

Chris Rock's Best Movies – oxymoron?

According to Rotten Tomatoes' Tomatometer:
10. Bee Movie
9. Lethal Weapon 4
8. Osmosis Jones
7. Madagascar
6. CB4
5. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa
4. Dogma
3. New Jack City
2. Nurse Betty
1. Good Hair

Richard Pryor's best movie is Blazing Saddles Blue Collar.
Eddie Murphy's best movie is 48 Hrs.

Chris Rock's best movie is a documentary on hair.

Heck, Paul Reiser's best movie is Aliens. Paul freakin' Reiser!

1. The title of the mixtape is "Burrrprint (2) HD."
2. That surf and turf is absurrrd.
3. Did the artist even (try) to composite the strawberries?
4. iHadn't seen the "Parental Advisory" sticker in ages.

Spose has been called Maine's "Best hip-hop act." [source]


His hit single "I'm Awesome" sounds like Paul Barman trying to emulate Eminem's "My Name Is."

Washington Mutual "President's Club" Sales Conference Wrote And Performed A Rap Inspired By Sir-Mix-A-Lot
another great moment in Tracy Morgan publicity history
NYC's own superheroes

Laff on Fat Boy

KFC's Double Down sandwich is just an Atkins grilled cheese.

You can also order it with grilled chicken filets, which somehow sounds grosser.

An open-face Double Down is basically a diner entrée. Remove the bacon, change the sauce, and it's Chicken Parmesan.

Idea: Hawaiian BBQ Chicken Katsu Double Down – steamed rice and macaroni salad sandwiched between two fried chicken filets.

Idea: McDonald's Double Mac – two fried chicken patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions with a sesame seed bun in the center.

Bacon AT-AT

Now I don't care what the temperature is

In the year 2010:

1. HughesNet ads continue to explain the advantages of high-speed Internet over dial-up. "Download files in seconds! Check e-mail instantly!"

2. One third of American homes (93 million) still do not have high-speed Internet access.

19 percent of nonadopters called the Internet a "waste of time." [source]

3. Sony sold 143,500 PlayStation 2s in January and February.

2010 is a year that you cannot abbreviate verbally because it sounds awkward.

Oh-eight, oh-nine… ten.

The Ten Mets.
My Ten Dodge Charger.
The Class of Ten.

"SEN10RS" – clever!

Psycho "Barking Dog Man" on the News