One exhausted triple encore

TLC announced plans to premiere PARANORMAL COURT.

Two parties come together and agree to be bound by [a] ruling enlisted from the other side.

"PARANORMAL COURT is about helping families in their time of need." [source]


Azis – Bivshi

So, What's the Surprise Ending of Robert Pattinson's Remember Me Anyway?
brb dying

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

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Arrested Development

7-3, eh?

I missed the game to eat dinner with family. Not gonna lie – I participated solely to collect red envelopes. I couldn't pass up free money for a free meal.

"What is this?"
"Oyster lettuce wraps."

Dinner consisted of 22 courses. I may have consumed an entire ecosystem.

Chinese dinners normally conclude with a steamed fish. Last night, however, the fish was followed by two jumbo crabs, a seven-pound lobster and six different desserts.

Elder relatives expectedly pushed me to finish what wasn't eaten because "I'm young."

"Another lettuce wrap?"
"No thanks."
"C'mon… You're young!"

B subdued her children with Yan Yans.

"How can you feed him that? It fell on the floor!"
"I wiped it with a wet nap. Besides, five-second rule."
"I think wiping a biscuit stick with a wet nap negates the five-second rule."
"Wet naps are non-toxic, Jon."

When did Meiji begin printing text on Yan Yan sticks?

Idea: Adult Yan Yan sticks, like adult fortune cookies.

—dirty yanchez

"When do you return to Japan?"
"Next week."
"Did you see Eddie yet?"
"No. He moved to…Kentucky?"
"No, North Carolina. Bought himself a mansion."
"Oh. Good for him…"

One, two, three…four hundred. That's 80% of my auto body repair deductible…

seven significant purchases
People Hugging the New Joanna Newsom Album

Games People Play

People without cable:
"Yes! NBC decided to air the USA vs. Switzerland hockey game!"

People on the west coast:
"No! NBC will tape delay the USA vs. Switzerland hockey game!"

I wonder how many people without cable on the west coast complained about msnbc airing Sunday's USA vs. Canada hockey game.

Good job, luddites.

At least Russia vs. Canada will air live in all four time zones – for people with cable.

Canada has not beaten Russia at an Olympics since 1960.

The USA had not beaten Canada at an Olympics since 1960.

As a west coast native, tape-delayed Olympics coverage doesn't bother me as much as needing to stay up as late as people on the east coast did to catch it all. Fuck that.

In support of west coast tape delay:
» Live-blogs inform you exactly when the good parts of an awards show will air.
» You can watch Idol performances on the Internet before they air and consume an hour-long episode in 10 minutes. Moreover, you can skip all results shows.

A bronze medal is nothing to scoff at, but to me, bronze feels like winning the NIT.

Non-medalists should receive little chocolate participation medals.

Avery Johnson reminds me of a duck. Whenever I see him, I think: "Quack quack quack!"

Ficta voluptatis causa sint proxima veris

Dead Set is a 2008 British mini-series in which a zombie outbreak and the Big Brother UK house collide.

EV is a 2010 Turkish film in which a madman intrudes into a Big Brother house and holds the housemates hostage.

One more and "Big Brother" qualifies as a horror genre.

Idea: Paranormal Big Brother house.

Idea: An earthquake creates a gigantic sinkhole that swallows a Big Brother house deep underground, trapping housemates inside for real.

Idea: A sadist commandeers a Big Brother house's control room.

"I want to play a game."

I couldn't imagine a more transgressive film than Antichrist coming down the line any time soon. I was very, very wrong.

Serbian Film left me feeling dirty and assaulted, a film that will surely spark protest and deservedly so. [source]

In short: A cash-strapped man unwittingly agrees to star in a snuff film.

ragingly not safe for work

Serbian Film will world premiere at South by Southwest.

New Jersey Turnpike Toll Collectors Gone Wild

The spiraling shape will make you go insane

This is what it's like WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE!!!

Wait, that's his brother's band.

Rob Zombie and Alice Cooper will tour western Canada together this spring. The Saskatoon date may be the saddest concert of the year.

It's time for a third Wayne's World film. Maybe a prequel? With a laser rock show dream sequence in 3D.

Ke$ha (both days)
Girl Talk
Matt & Kim

Evidently, Z100 booked The Bamboozle this year.

Also, this:

To this day, I consider Everclear's video for "AM Radio" to be the nadir of music videos. I feel mortified for everyone involved.

I've never been so ashamed to be a white person.
Find the black people at the Tumblr event.
Juggalo News

Tremendously Tremendous


Free association:

Canadian accent twister: "Again, sorry about that. Your pasta is on the house."

I caught an ad for some backyard fighting DVDs that quoted Penthouse.

"Ragingly popular!"

What an awkward description. The adverb modifies the adjective poorly. In fact, I can't think of a scenario where I would use the word "ragingly."

Ragingly successful? Eh…

—ragingly raging

Bar monitors:
» Jay Bilas' hair is thinning at an alarming rate.
» Why are Kiper and McShay arguing about draft picks in a haunted chemistry lab?
» Why is Al Michaels talking to Paul Rodriguez? Oh. That's Mike Eruzione.
» I can't look at Al Michaels without thinking of how ragingly crazy right-wing he is.
» Taylor Kitsch should play Apolo Ohno.

Boys II Men

I just learned that they're performing live in Los Angeles on Thursday and in Seattle on Sunday. So close, so f-argh!

America's 20 Most Miserable Cities
How Ice-Dancing Siblings Handle the Ick Factor
Taylor Lautner Fan Letter To Universal: Wolfman Ripped Off Twilight

He knew the game of fisticuffs

"More commercials?"

Tim Tebow's girlfriend is one of American Idol's top 24.

Over the Moon Milk is fat free milk designed to taste like whole milk, which defeats the point of fat free milk. I rarely drink bovine milk, but when I do, I drink fat free milk because it doesn't taste like whole milk.

Diet whole milk – only in America…

U-S-A! U-S-A!

His 60 Chicken McNuggets crushes my personal best of 37.

Winter X Games Europe is an actual event.

A History of Obama Feigning Interest in Mundane Things
A NYC pocket guide to passive aggressive wifi
The largest pool in the world

Let's all have another Orange Julius

He sampled the Canadian national anthem.

1:32 » You want to claim Jim Carrey and Mike Myers? In 2010?
2:16 » MR. LEAHY!!!

In December, Pitchfork filed a registration at the United States Patent and Trademark Office for the intent to use the site's namesake in relation with "restaurant or bar services." [source]

$3.0 beers. Berry-lathered toast pavilion. Fox frites.

"Whoa. Is this a cover? No, it is not."

To my surprise, American Idol set a rejection montage to Radiohead's "No Surprises."

Then: A celebratory montage set to…"Hallelujah"?

Andrew Garcia's ethnicity – dividing the nation.

Thom Yorke's biggest regret in life has to be the clean version of "Creep," no?

T.I.'s clean version of "Whatever You Like" also induces cringing. "Baby, I can treat you so special, so nice" is no "Late night sex, so wet and so tight."

Idea: Auto-Tune Charles Barkley's Taco Bell ads.

1. "Et Ducit Mundum Per Luce"
2. "The Flight of Apollo"
3. "Young London"
4. "Shove"
5. "Epic Holiday"
6. "Hallucinations"
7. "The Moon-Atomic (…Fragments and Fictions)"
9. "Soul Survivor (…2012)"
10. "Letters to God, Part II"
11. "Some Origins of Fire"

Tom DeLonge is like music's Stephen Baldwin.

The record and the movie are called Love simply for the fact that love is a symbol – when you write it out, it's a symbol of lines and geometric shapes that has a very specific intention and energy with it. It's the one thing that every near-death experience [has]: When people come back, they all try to describe the word love, but in a physical state. So we tried to attach that phenomenon, philosophically, with how we wrote about the context of that word.

What's the movie about?
It starts in the Civil War and you travel through time and space. [It] tells a story of human life and destiny, but at the same time really makes usual moments of life extraordinary. It's a circular narrative, where it kind of sums up the human race in a time capsule. [source] [source]

the worst rock movies ever
All the Good Band Names Are Taken

Your authority is not recognized in Fort Kick-Ass

In a bid to make conservative chic, organizers of this year's Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) are adding something called the XPAC Lounge.

"We're gonna have the most popular games. There'll be Guitar Hero.

There'll be Dance Revolution,"

said Kevin McCullough, who created the XPAC Lounge with Stephen Baldwin.

It will be the scene of a late-night "rap/jam session"

and a conservative comedy lineup.

X-Cullough said young conservatives are plenty capable of being active in the movement.

He cited James O'Keefe and Hannah Giles.

Giles is scheduled to attend. X'Keefe has been ordered by a judge to temporarily stay with his parents in New Jersey. [source]

What's NXT?

2012 section at barnes and noble
Caring for Pets Left Behind by the Rapture

Singing lead soprano in a junk man's choir

I'm not sure the Bay Area needs three Jewish film festivals (that I know of).

The Cheesecake Factory in San Francisco's Union Square is absurdly congested.

Apple Stores are the new public library computer labs.

Late night at the SF Caltrain station:
» a bum bathing in the men's restroom
» a security guard shooing a bum in a NaNoWriMo hoodie
» a bum in rollerblades writhing on the floor near the portal to the train while the doorman stood idly by

Wells Fargo should consider issuing credit cards on which images of stagecoaches don't obfuscate the card number.

Loving Hut is a terrible name for a restaurant.

I want to fire confetti out of a shotgun.

Tweeting Dog Collar Posts Your Dog's Movements to Twitter
How States Compare to the Average U.S. Twitter Grade
Study Finds Computer Science Students are Biggest Cheaters
Utah Mulls Eliminating 12th Grade to Save Money

Reading Week

"Any que–"

His badge read "Jonathan Yu." Awwwkward!

I should probably be recuperating from Macworld. Well, Macworld + SF Indie Fest + Chinese New Year — four consecutive 20-hour days.

I haven't seen any footage of the Olympics yet.

I question the business value of trade shows. Macworld felt like a glorified flea market.

At one point, I found myself dealing with a Hispanic smart-aleck in a tall tee.

"Can I have one?"
"Can you have one what?"
"An iPod."
"Why not?"

What I said: "Because these iPods are demo units."
What I thought: "WHY ARE YOU HERE?"

A number of local public high schools brought students as a field trip. What California education budget crisis?

A teen (13, 14) tech news crew requested an interview.

"Shouldn't you be at school?" I wondered. "It's Thursday!"

Whenever I encounter school-age children before 3:00 pm on a weekday, I wonder why they aren't at school.

Apple didn't exhibit, but Microsoft did, in support of Office for Mac…2008.

Giant foam Word, Excel and PowerPoint icons paraded past our booth.

My boss decided to process sales through our web site. The exhibition hall's Internet was capricious, however, so at times, a queue would form.

One impatient hippo threw a hissy fit. While my boss apologized, I raged in my head.

"Your set-up sucks!"
Our set-up sucks? [Redacted] is using an IBM, an imprinter and a BlackBerry!

"You might lose a sale!"
Oh noes!

"I'm tempted to just walk away with this item in hand!"
And I'm tempted to slice your Achilles tendons with a boxcutter.

Four minutes later, he handed me a credit card.

Of course his name is Cοrnelis Swinkles. Of course!

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

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