An ashtray full of pennies

Previously on Adam Riff™:

One woman's love story with the rope next door.

She falls in love with a rope.

Sundance is screening Tub, a short film about a man who impregnates a bathtub.

Did anyone else catch Saw on Bravo?

Gaspar Noé (Irreversible) will shoot his next film, a "pornographic melodrama," in 3-D.

The same Gaspar Noé cried TWICE during Avatar.

"I cried when the tree caught fire. And I cried when they were in the jungle and everything was glowing."

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel is only $13 million away from matching the $217 million gross of the first movie.

The fifth Universal Soldier flick reunites Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren.

Its screenwriter was formerly a Mossad agent.

Andrei Arlovski plays "NGU" (Next Generation UniSol).

Trailer: Insane Clown Posse's Western
Killing Bono

Super Bowl Week

» Ludacris will perform a few shows, but his primary focus will be to introduce his new cognac, Conjure.

» Nelly will lead the entertainment for ESPN The Magazine's NEXT party. Ironic?

» Jamie Moyer and Mario Batali will host a brunch.

» Drew Rosenhaus will host Hard Rock's "Rock 'N Soul" Party.

Join the super sports agent and
Chad Ochocinco
Terrell Owens
Kellen Winslow Jr.
and Jeremy Shockey.

» Taylor Lautner
Christian Slater
Chace Crawford
Guy Fieri
and Kevin Dillon
will play in the The 4th Annual DIRECTV Celebrity Beach Bowl.

Ex-Super Bowl-winning quarterback Eli Manning will coach one of the sides.

"Ex-Super Bowl-winning quarterback."

» Not to be outdone, The 22nd Annual Joe DiMaggio Legends Game snagged
Stephen Baldwin
Michael Bolton
Nick Carter
Bill Clinton
MC Hammer
Jeremy Piven
and Tom Selleck

source: What to expect when the bowl games hit South Florida

I am a miserable pig and I do not want to exist

There are no popular boys who say, "I don't want to hurt my family anymore and I love Jesus, so I am going to stop doing gay things with guys in the bathroom."

What Every Parent Should Know About The TV Show Glee | ChristWire

On its web site today, the Recording Academy awarded some nichier Grammys in advance of Sunday's telecast.

Notable winners:

Best Long Form Music Video:

Best Tribute Album:

Best Electronic/Dance Album:

Best Latin/Jewish Rap Song:
"Dicks and Noses" by Hip Hop Hoodíos

I love that Uncle Kracker is an adult contemporary pop artist. "Smile" = Daniel Powter's "Good Day."

The perks of being a Wallflower: Not one, not two, but three Marlenas.

"Purple Rain" is begging for Dustin Kensrue to cover it.

I wanted to caption an image of an awkward boner "so hard," but no one I know has even heard the Rihanna song.

I need sluttier friends.


The Jersey Shore Soundboard
Most TV Shows Named In One Minute Replacing One Word In Title With "Horse"

We are white people! Suck our dicks!

Previously on Adam Riff™:
All I ever see anymore is American Idol finalists singing the National Anthem. Jordin Sparks sang it at the NFC Championship Game.

This year, Jordin Sparks sang the National Anthem at the AFC Championship Game, while reigning American Idol Kris Allen sang it at the NFC Championship Game.

I saw a Colts fan holding a sign that read "D•FENCE." If you bother writing out "fence," why not just write the whole word?

Is anyone excited to see The Who? Seems like a golden opportunity for counter-programming. Fox should pay Justin Bieber to perform a short set bisected by the trailer for Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief.

Fox's ads for 24 need more Katee Sackhoff's subplot.

TNT promotes ESPN's NBA telecasts and vice versa. Why can't the NFL's broadcast partners do the same? "Check local listings," like the Pro Bowl is some daytime talk show.


I wonder how Rush Limbaugh feels about Visa supporting the world.

Idea: Enter the New Jersey Nets in this year's NCAA tournament as the 65th team. Play-in game intrigue! A potential first round match-up against Kentucky!

Siblings or Dating?
The Vice Guide to Liberia

No Melamine

Jon: The woman to my right ordered a Caesar salad with Ranch instead of Caesar dressing.
Chet: So?
Jon: Togo's' Caesar salad is already inauthentic, and without Caesar dressing, it's just…lettuce and croutons.
Chet: Well, Ranch salad is not a menu item.
Jon: I'm surprised seared ahi tuna isn't one.

Subway Promotion Idea: Hot Sub Time Machine. For a limited time, try any foot-long Subway Melt for just $2.55 (≈$5.00 in 1986).

Pizza Hut's current promotion is "Any Pizza, Any Size, Any Crust, Any Toppings" for $10. Who would order any size other than large?

Applebee's new slogan is "There's no place like the neighbourhood."
1. Yes, there is – Chili's.
2. What a clunky slogan. What was wrong with "Eatin' good in the neighbourhood?"

—the neighbourhood is where the heart clogs

Poutine Cupcake

I dreamt that I bit into a cupcake and realized too late that it was attached to the hook of a giant fishing rod.

An Analysis of Cookies baked & crafted to Represent Various Lady Gaga Costumes.
Add the filling from a Taco Bell 1/2-Pound Combo Burrito…
When you open iPoo on your iPhone, you're instantly connected with other users who are also taking a dump.

Clash of the Titans

Another NFL playoff weekend was filled of ho-hum games. My initial thought was that history will prove the best matchup took place in L.A.


However, upon further review we discover that Boob-Off 2010 was more of a blowout than Cowboys/Vikings. Mariah Carey's are akin to the team that had a nice season, but once they faced a real opponent it was clear they were outclassed. On the flip side, Christina Hendricks… sheesh. She's more like a caricature of a human than an actual human. Hyperbole barely covers how barely covered she is.

Every time she goes out in public, 4 more college freshman become advertising majors.


Watching Conan's last few shows is like hanging out with a friend who's on death row but is freed as his sentence date quickly approaches. I watch it and think to myself, "If I'm to die in my mid-70s (how about it, God?), I wouldn't want to know now, but I would like to know one month prior." One of the rare advantages of being on death row.

Will Ferrell sang "Never Can Say Goodbye" on Conan's first Tonight Show. Will Ferrell is a soothsayer. On Friday, if pattern holds, smart money says he'll sing Tina Turner's "The Best" or Joe Esposito's "You're the Best". Or 311's "I'll Be Here Awhile". Heh.

Regarding Conan's offers to star in a porno, I think porn production companies get more notoriety from halfheartedly offering roles to people (especially those who would never do porn) than they do from making actual pornography.

I'm Just Sayin'


The Slant-Ruled Notebook
Jacket + Bookmark
Batman: The Minifigs

Bottles and cans and just clap your hands

This poster for The Tooth Fairy led me to this poster for The Game Plan, which led me to this poster for The Game Plan, which led me to this poster for The Pacifier, which led me to this poster for Mr. Nanny, which led me to this poster for Suburban Commando, which led me to assemble this:

Fast Train to Nowhere: Watching 'The Wire' Aesthetically
If Global Warming Is Real Then Why Is It Cold

We are all in some way or another going to Reseda

Paramount greenlit a sequel to Paranormal Activity with the director of Saw VI at the helm. It will be released in October against Lionsgate's 3-D Saw VII.

All that's missing is Scary Movie 5.

Hustler's parody porn line-up for 2010-11 includes:
» This Ain't Curb Your Enthusiasm XXX
» This Ain't Avatar XXX
» This Ain't Glee XXX
» This Ain't The Cable News XXX
» This Ain't The Soup XXX

My guess is the pornographic Soup parody incorporates footage of other pornographic parodies – a parody porn clip show.

This DVD is packed with Bam [Margera] and his crew playing paintball and skate boarding in action packed sex scenes. [source]

Huntington Beach may outlaw beer pong.

Luke Hamman, 24, of Huntington Beach, said the ban isn't right.

"They shouldn't ban it. Beer pong is awesome."

Disneyland is offering two free nights if you book three nights at its hotel and buy a five-day ticket package.

What a terrible deal. You need two days (at most) to experience Disneyland, and then you're stuck there, forced to eat losses if you wish to venture outside Anaheim.

James Cameron celebrated his Golden Globe wins at Tom Colicchio's Craft restaurant.

When he sat down to eat, he grabbed a piece of steak with his bare hands, pausing only to watch a clip of his acceptance speech playing on a TV behind him.

The producers of the Grammy Awards cannot be happy about this Haiti telethon.

Performing at the Grammys:
» Black Eyed Peas
» Bon Jovi
» Dave Matthews Band
» Lady Antebellum
» Maxwell
» Pink
» Zac Brown Band

Performing for Haiti:
» U2 with Jay-Z and Rihanna
» Bruce Springsteen
» Coldplay
» John Legend
» Justin Timberlake
» Stevie Wonder
» Wyclef Jean

why indian girl smells so bad??
how to feel old today: "i loved green day before 21 guns"

Would you burn up before the water filled your lungs?

Sooooo… Who on the east coast wants to let me attach a Slingbox to their television? Central time zone will also work.

I'll remove it when Lost ends.

Experience a revolutionary and unique game where walking unlocks an exciting world. Step to the beat of hot hits like "Boom Boom Pow." [source]

Blog Idea: My Year of Wii Shovelware.

I tuned in to Raw and saw Napoleon Dynamite, The Miz, a giant, a midget, D-Generation X, and Don Johnson walk to the ring for the main event.
—apparently they have a lot of inanimate objects that wrestle

—someone wrestled a poster?

Magic Needs More Muscle – Broken Teeth

In Mexico, the Tooth Fairy is a Tooth Mouse. Mexican children leave baby teeth for El Ratón in a trash can beside the toilet.

—watch this

I flipped to the Texas vs. Kansas State game on ESPN and heard Brent Musberger welcome viewers who just finished watching 24.

This mission is not a children's game. – Vin Diesel is The Babynator

Dick Towel finally multi-racial!
Del Taco Trying Too Hard
Lifetime Movie or Megadeth Song?

The Hollows

I just found out they made a Ninja Turtles TV movie where the Turtles from the relatively dark 2003 cartoon meet the Turtles from the goofy 1987 cartoon and by the end they meet the Turtles from the original Mirage comic book. [source]

Turtle Primer! How did I miss this?

NBC owns and is reportedly keeping the intellectual property behind the characters and recurring comedy bits Conan O'Brien originated during his 16-plus years on NBC.

Sources close to him, however, said he is not interested in taking the Masturbating Bear and "In the Year 3000" with him.

It is unclear whether Robert Smigel or NBC controls Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. I assume Smigel, as he also used Triumph on Comedy Central's TV Funhouse. Viacom owns Comedy Central and CBS.

The guy who plays Star-Burns on Community collaborated with Smigel on Saturday TV Funhouse.

Shocking Nip/Tuck death coming! Brace yourself! [source]

Both Matt and Julia are alive in the flash forward episode, so… Kimber or Liz?

» Bob Odenkirk is a series regular in season three of Breaking Bad (Mar 21).

» Martin Short is a series regular in season three of Damages (Jan 25).

» Al Pacino (left) plays Jack Kevorkian in the HBO biopic You Don't Know Jack, directed by Barry Levinson (Apr 24).

» The boy in Jurassic Park plays one of the three leads in The Pacific, the follow-up to Band of Brothers (Mar 14).

» MTV is reviving Greg the Bunny's sidekick Warren the Ape for a reality show parody following a D-list, often debauched, out-of-work celebrity puppet attempting to get back into Hollywood's good graces (Jun).

I'm not sure how MTV can produce a second season of Jersey Shore without recasting.

If the same cast returns to Seaside, they'll behave like celebrities, indulge cameras and attract fame-whores galore.

My solution: Recast and fast-track a Real World/Jersey Shore Challenge.

DJ Pauly D mashes Jimmy Eat World with Kid Cudi (»12:55)
classical music, mixed in harmony
Wicker Man's Fifth Symphony
Party Like An RA
How to Date a Death Metal Fan
Living in Sin City's Underground Tunnels
7 Things Paula Deen Fried – And Ate
38 Snowmen Nightmares: Calvin and Hobbes In Real Life

Haitian Bobsled Team Feared Dead
Insult to injury.

By Torpedo or Crohn's

Previously on Adam Riff™:
I dub Nate Kaeding "The Tragic Kicker."

Darth Hubris

No NFL team has ever played in a Super Bowl in its home stadium.

2011: Cowboys Stadium
2012: Lucas Oil Stadium
2013: Louisiana Superdome


IBM: Building smarter ways to rape and pollute the planet.

Idea: An IBM ad parody. "I'm a temp. Let's build a smarter database."

Google should create a Super Bowl ad for the Nexus One. Emulate Apple's "1984" ad with a Blade Runner conceit.

"Chad Ochocinco" in any form never fails to elicit a chuckle. See also: Michael Buble.