An Aural Quandary

Alice in Chains' follow-up to 1995's Alice in Chains LP is legally available today.

Alice in Chains*, rather. Like The Misfits*.

Cantrell was/is the band's main composer, yes, but Layne was the face of the band.

I proffer "Rainier Beach Grunge Allstars."


In Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, Chuck Klosterman lists 23 questions he asks everybody he meets in order to decide if he can really love them.

5. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear—for the rest of your life—sound as if it's being performed by Alice in Chains.

When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains.

If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains.

If you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).

Would you swallow the pill?

I've never broken a collarbone, but triennial clavicle fracturing doesn't seem severe enough to justify swallowing the pill for any band. Moreover, if the soul mate truly was your soul mate, he or she would understand.

"Alice in Chains, babe. ALICE IN CHAINS!!!"

2 Comments

  1. Forest 29 Sep 09 at 15:36

    A friend of a friend recently took a pilgrimage to Seattle to visit the apartment where Lane Staley rotted to death. She took photos from her car, because she didn't want to go up to the building and seem 'weird'.

    In a related note, she's also been looking at decomposition photos online.

    Reply
  2. Sarah 30 Sep 09 at 12:26

    I had that fucker in my dead pool for like 7 years running. Then I figured he was gonna pull a Keith Richard and live forever, so I replaced him with some other drugged out, washed up musician. Bastard died that year. DAMN YOU, STALEY! *shakes fist*

    Reply

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