Travelling Swallowing Dramamine

Shouldn't have waited until 10 days remained to redeem a free plane ticket, Jon.

I never learn.

My tickets are at least cheaper than similar ones I bought in May – 12 days in advance.

"This is crazy. What am I doing? WHY ARE YOU ENABLING ME? The movie may not be any good, a cam-rip or screener may leak beforehand…"

"Well, no backing out now."


"You think you'll want to hang out in Canada at all, or are we just gonna go in, see the movie and come back?"

I will miss an opportunity to finally meet Adam Robot by four days. He's driving from Montana to Seattle to see Converge live.

He once drove from Billings to Denver to see Primus live.

820 miles. 552 miles. Each way. Across three states.

Meanwhile, I look at Sunny Day Real Estate/Jealous Sound tickets that Drew Brown tweeted me into buying and think: I dunno… The show's on a Tuesday night…and the city is 40 minutes away!

David Lee Roth Runnin' with the Devil Soundboard
Lil Wayne To Appear On New Weezer Album

An Aural Quandary

Alice in Chains' follow-up to 1995's Alice in Chains LP is legally available today.

Alice in Chains*, rather. Like The Misfits*.

Cantrell was/is the band's main composer, yes, but Layne was the face of the band.

I proffer "Rainier Beach Grunge Allstars."

In Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, Chuck Klosterman lists 23 questions he asks everybody he meets in order to decide if he can really love them.

5. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear—for the rest of your life—sound as if it's being performed by Alice in Chains.

When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains.

If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains.

If you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).

Would you swallow the pill?

I've never broken a collarbone, but triennial clavicle fracturing doesn't seem severe enough to justify swallowing the pill for any band. Moreover, if the soul mate truly was your soul mate, he or she would understand.

"Alice in Chains, babe. ALICE IN CHAINS!!!"

Yom Kippur

or: when I realized that most of my daily reads are written by Jews

What is that? Noodle kugel. Egg noodles, ricotta cheese…apples? Raisins? Ick.

At Whole Foods, I also stumbled upon sparkling energy water. Mix it with alcoholic spring water for a water Vodka Red Bull!

A Scottish brewery has launched a 1.1% alcohol beer called Nanny State after being branded irresponsible for creating the UK's "strongest beer" (18.2%).

I'll be holding all the tickets, you'll be owning all the fines

I've just realized that I'm about as skinny as Calista Flockhart.

Also, according to the picture, what I lack in ass, I make up for in sass.

Related: Alanis Morissette as early 90's Canadian Pop singer.

Hitler skull fragment "undeniably female"
1959 Chevy Bel Air vs. 2009 Chevy Malibu" (Apparently the 'driver' of the 2009 car would have had a bruised knee, while the 'driver' of the 1959 car would have died on impact)

I am going to find all your treasures…

The Ford family couldn't have splurged on confetti or let fans rush the field? No "I'm going to Cedar Point"?

For the Saturday Night Football telecast on Halloween, Brent Musberger should dress up as Burgess Meredith (as The Penguin), Kirk Herbstreit as Frank Gorshin (as The Riddler), and Lisa Salters as Eartha Kitt (as Catwoman).

Nutrisystem is like Scientology for football personalities.

When Chevy's employees brought the ruckus to a banquet table, I overheard a man ask his wife, "Is that a wedding?"

"Yes, that's a wedding reception at a chain restaurant," I thought.

Idea: Next-Mex. Self-heating fajitas, non-spoiling guacamole…

Idea: Srirachos. A spin on chilaquiles rojos.

We were taught to shit by hugging a sturdy tree, then squatting down and shitting away from you.

My friend is so frantic and so desperate to void his bowels that he grabs the first decent looking tree and drops his pants and goes to work.

The tree he is holding onto with all its might, snap[s] and break[s] and my poor friend falls ass backwards into his own nasty diarrhea.

He immediately gets up screaming and trying to brush himself off when he looks down and sees that the diarrhea he just had came out a weird green color and this causes him to start throwing up in his own pile of green shit while he is also still covered in his own green diarrhea. [source]

Has this been dramatized in a film yet? If not, is it too late to re-shoot scenes for Couples Retreat?

Onion Article Idea: Entire staff takes buyouts at homeless newspaper.

In Sunday's episode of Mad Men, Sterling Cooper excitedly lands the Hilton account. Meanwhile, an ad for ExtenZe aired during a commercial break.

Griffin: I got the crap beat out of me 57 times in elementary school for having a crush on Al Gore. I don't agree with his politics, but that smile, I don't know. So my dad put me in the ring, made me take boxing. We paid for people to beat the crap out of me. [source]

This past summer, The Secret Life of the American Teenager introduced an openly gay high school freshman whose two older brothers are also gay.


I tuned in for Sunday's season premiere of The Amazing Race, however, and…

Gay brothers!!!

Googling "TLC gay siblings" led me to a documentary that follows three families in which all the children are gay, including a Pentecostal family with five kids, all gay.

Head asplode.

Masters of the Universe characters as hipsters
The unemployment rate for young Americans has exploded to 52.2 percent
50 Cent wrote a self-help book

The goat's mustache is Cameron Diaz

"Mad About You."
"Heck no."
"Definitely. Everyone likes Seinfeld. Even my father."
"Hmm… Do I think black people like Friends…?"

"Circle of Life" (Modern Family)
"Wise Up" (Community)
"Runaway Train" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

Random musical references = guaranteed lulz.

"Sobotka," the first single off UK band I Concur's debut album, was inspired by the second season of The Wire.

Mancow will cameo in the season finale of Sons of Anarchy.

Red Letter Day

At the post office today, I discovered Gluguls – "alien glue sticks from another world" who "love to have exciting adventures with their kid-owners."

Each Glugul glue stick "has its own special power."

For example, one can glue shit together. Another can stick shit together.

"Collect them all."

All five…glue sticks.

Is it really necessary for glue sticks to appeal to children? I don't think children have strong opinions on glue sticks, or adhesives in general.

3M introduced Gluguls in 2005, so somewhere, some children have likely entertained themselves with fuckin' glue sticks – anthropomorphic ones, but glue sticks nonetheless.

When I was young, innovation was a purple glue stick.

Remember painting your face with rubber cement and playing Leper Colony?



» Across the street from my hotel is a Christian mission beside a gay strip club.

To reduce the volume of plastic bags and encourage the use of reusable bags/bins, retailers in the City of Toronto will be required to charge a minimum of 5 cents per plastic bag requested by the customer at checkout, as of June 1, 2009. [source]

» Five cents is an ineffective surcharge. Ban or die!

The "eco bags" I saw people carrying are the same shitty bags you get at trade shows.

» I saw this ad in a 12-page Globe and Mail report on private schools:

» I read about Diana Thorneycroft's "Group of Seven Awkward Moments" art exhibit – photographs of dioramas set against landscape paintings by the Group of Seven.

"Nickel Belt Trailer Park"

Thorneycroft previously crafted "The Canadian Martyrdom Series."

"Martyrdom of the Great One"

» Battle of the Blades is a Canadian spin on Dancing with the Stars that pairs former National Hockey League players with figure skaters.

» Favourite George: Stroumboulopoulos, Stephanopoulos or Papadapolis?

George Snuffleupagus. Ha! I kill me.

» AMC and Bravo are available in Canada, but Mad Men is only viewable (legally) via iTunes, and Top Chef airs on Food Network. International television distribution rights hurt my head.

» Idea: Dessert poutine. Apple "fries" topped with mascarpone "curds" and caramel "gravy."

» Free association:

TPBC Columbus Day weekend? Outlook good…

Pics: Six Flags under water in lethal Georgia floods
a visualization of the contiguous United States, colored by distance to the nearest domestic McDonald's


"That's all?"

"How long have you been working there?"
"Two years and four months."
"And you've never asked for a raise?"
"Am I supposed to? I thought…"
"Do you receive any benefits?"
"No. Well, paid vacation. It's a small company."

"Ask for a raise."
"Yes, mother."

"You want a raise? In this economy?"
"You just hired two more employees."
"Right, and they're not earning that much more than you."
"Their starting salaries are higher than mine?"
"Sid has more experience than you and two master's degrees. Russ majored in engineering and holds several technical certifications. You? Anyone can do your job!"

"Like Russ, who's assuming half of my previous job duties."
"He'll also be doing more…analytical stuff."

"Listen, Jon, you're my guy. If you want to do that stuff, I'll use you over anyone else."


"Well, I can't say 'yes' now, can I?"

—he thinks i'm complacent
—he's a businessman. you've got to show your boss that you're willing to do more difficult work and be motivated about it, proactive, even if it feels incredibly cliche
—he's not incorrect though
—i'm not keen on composing press releases or talking to vendors

—i contemplated getting myself fired
—don't leave your job
—its fucked up out here
—10% unemployment rate is bullshit, its much much higher

—can you master in engineering without majoring in it?
—probably not
—i know that you can't get a masters in finance without having a business major
—so i'd assume engineering is the same way, and i mean there is a whole 4 year process of learning engineering concepts and reading diagrams and stuff
—that you've missed

—oh the humanities…

—quit and get a cool internship
—and then hopefully work from there

—the 40-year-old intern
—unpaid intern
—i just became the mayor of pathetic on @foursquare


My bags were thoroughly searched thrice at Pearson.

Apparently, I look like a drug trafficker.

Look, fuckhead, if I wanted to transport Canadian pot to California, I would transport it from British Columbia, not Toronto!

Moreover, if I was transporting pot, I wouldn't transport it through an airport, and I sure as hell wouldn't put it in my carry-on luggage!

And the 2009 TIFF People's Choice Award winner is…

Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire
dir: Lee Daniels (Monster's Ball)

It falls short of transcendent, but it is a good lay. Mo'Nique slays a monologue at the end. Paula Patton is radiant.

I thought Up in the Air would win the People's Choice Award, but it didn't even medal.

Micmacs à tire-larigot
dir: Jean-Pierre Jeunet (Amélie)

This film surprisingly won People's Choice bronze. Yay twee pacifist revenge fantasies?

Bunny and the Bull
dir: Paul King (The Mighty Boosh)

Is a film that is style over substance still worth seeing? Can we appreciate a film purely as visual art – worth seeing, but not worth seeing?

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
dir: Terry Gilliam (Brazil)

Tom Waits (as himself as The Devil) steals Heath Ledger's posthumous spotlight.

Parnassus' dwarf companion Percy is a superfluous character played discordantly by Verne Troyer.

Leaves of Grass
dir: Tim Blake Nelson (O Brother, Where Art Thou?)

Edward Norton plays a Classics professor at Brown University.

Edward Norton plays a hydro-pot-nics savant in rural Oklahoma.

A desperate Jewish orthodontist. Walt Whitman.

It is Sweet Home Alabama meets Fargo!


I dunno…

The White Ribbon
dir: Michael Haneke (Funny Games)


The White Ribbon won the Palme d'Or (best in show) at the Cannes Film Festival, but Dogtooth, which similarly explores children and repression, deserved it way more.

Sick, twisted, fascinating, sublime.