"Are you attending a wedding or prep school?"
"Too informal? Max wore a polo shirt and khaki shorts to Eddie's wedding…"
"Max was two years old! You're not"
"Have you been to a white people wedding before?"
"Of course. I have a large family. Lots of Asian girls."
"All I own are black suits. Eh?"
"Do not wear a tux."
"A spy camera. While in town, I want to film myself entering barbershops and saying, 'Excuse me, sir, I need a haircut if you ain't too busy, you old Italian son-of-a-bitch prick barber!'"
"Can I carry on a garment bag? I don't want to pay to check it, and I don't want to wait around a baggage carousel at 5:30 a.m."
"You book the shittiest flights."
"I like to think that I'm resourceful."
"2:30 Pacific. I plan on heading straight to the hotel and sleeping until tea time."
"Your hotel allows early check-in?"
"Fuck! Check-in time is fuckin' 3:00 p.m.!"
"How full can a hotel in Detroit be? Just ask nicely."
"And if that fails? What am I gonna do for nine hours on little to no sleep?"
"Well, what time do barbershops open?"