Pheurton Skeurto

Every week during Raw, WWE inserts absurdly insecure trivia bumpers.

For Monday's episode: "Did you know? Last Monday, more people watched Raw than any show on ABC, NBC, FOX and CW."

One of these things is conveniently missing…

Idea: A WWE trivia bumper log.

I've been trying to find a reason to visit Los Angeles and may have two.

1. The UCLA Film and Television Archive curated a series of Mexican Sci-Fi Classics to screen in August with free admission.

"Heroic masked wrestler 'Santo' neutralizes macho Martian invaders."

2. Harvey Danger plays its last California show at Largo around the same time. Tickets are still available for the band's last show ever in Seattle a week later, but it conflicts with the screening of Santo vs. La Invasion de Los Marcianos.

In the July issue of my alumni magazine, I read that when it was unveiled in 1984, the bear statue in Bruin Plaza was billed as the largest bear sculpture in the United States.

What bear statue supplanted it? I wondered.

Google doesn't seem to know.

International Falls, Minnesota is home to the world's largest Smokey the Bear statue, but it was created in 1954 out of wood, so the search narrows to metal bear sculptures created after 1984.

I received the program for this year's San Francisco Jewish Film Festival. You know its audience skews old when you can still order tickets by mail.

» Skin, a Dutch take on The Believer
» Eve, Natalie Portman's directorial debut
» Sidney Turtlebaum, a short in which Derek Jacobi plays an elderly gay man who robs grieving strangers at shivas

Official festival deals include a special Jewish Film Festival flavour at Gelateria Naia (oven-baked ham?) and a free homemade soda with grilled item at Amanda's in Berkeley.

Free homemade soda with grilled item — how very Berkeley. CASH ONLY!!!

a 42-page retrospective of Blossom
Proposed Nicknames for All 60 NBA Draftees
Woman Arrested For Trading Sex For Potato Chips

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

» It has no soul.

» I didn't expect a 9:15 a.m. screening to be so full.

» Real-time thought: "Classified Alien Autobot Cooperation Act… CAACA. Heh. The acronym sounds like poop."

I forgot to bring a pen or paper, so throughout the screening, I repeated the acronym in my head. "CAACA: Classified Alien Autobot Cooperation Act."

» "21 Guns": the official theme song of Megan Fox. It's a bit like selling a cruise line with an song about heroin addiction, no?

IMDb trivia:

The college scenes were shot at the University of Pennsylvania and Princeton University. Both schools are old rivals; when students at Penn heard that Bay had chosen to also shoot scenes at Princeton, they were outraged.

Neither Penn nor Princeton are named in the film, because both schools' bodies felt that the Judy Witwicky scenes were damaging to their image.

Before: Judy Witwicky? What?
After: Ah.

» The actor who plays the frat boy in the tight shirt plays the same character on Greek.

» Tom Kenny, the voice of SpongeBob SquarePants, voices the negro twins. Is Revenge of the Fallen his Soul Man?

He also voiced Nute Gunray for the Clone Wars series. No shame in his game.

» I await a YouTube montage of Shia LaBeef's seizing — as the Transformer Intersect, when Megatron probes him…

» Real-time thought: "The boy is the map — this is the plot of Waterworld."

» Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci wrote both Star Trek and Revenge of the Fallen. Both films halt in the middle so aged characters can lazily explain it all at once via narration.

» I wonder if Paramount forbade Michael Bay from incorporating the Eiffel Tower, as its destruction is a set piece in G.I. Joe.

Special effects spent seven months setting up a 1000-gallon gasoline bomb for an explosion in the Giza Guerilla. It took longer to set up the bomb than it took to shoot the whole film.

» Interesting handling of Shia's mid-shoot hand injury.

» I missed Devastator's wrecking ball testicles . I was distracted with "CAACA" when I heard John Turturro say "scrotum," and before my eyes could focus, the film cut to another scene.

» I can understand not wanting to deface the mural inside Al Khazneh, but archaeologists never bothered to explore the inside of that pyramid?

» Considering his name is in the title and he waited tens of millenniums for revenge, The Fallen's defeat is awfully anti-climactic. Old Man Transformer puts up a better fight!

Three of the film's action sequences were shot with IMAX cameras. However, because of the increased resolution created from using IMAX it took the ILM animators five days to render one frame of those scenes with the Transformers.

It took 140 terabytes to process the CGI for all the robots in this film.

How will Michael Bay top himself in Transformers 3?

It's gotta be Transformers 3D, right? Megan Fox's rack — in yo face!

—transformers: dawn of the dinobots

Shift from cars to creatures — a live-action Beast Wars!

With Wikipedia's help, I cobbled together a treatment:

The Transformers travel back in time and land on ancient Earth. It proves to be poisonous to both factions' robot forms, forcing them to take on alternate organic forms for protection.

Megatron discovers a buried Autobot Ark and decides to kill the Optimus Prime lying in The Ark in stasis lock, altering the timeline and preventing the Autobots from defeating the Decepticons.

Eh? A little Back to the Future, a little Terminator

The money shot: Optimus Prime fights a Tyrannosaurus rex.

R2-D2 Spotted Hiding in "Star Trek" Movie
R2-D2 Appears in Transformers 2

If the trend holds, RD-D2 will cameo in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Daisuke Matsuzaka is bored

"Hikedi! It's Dice."
"You want to do something tonight?"
"I can't. We have a game. I have to be in the pen."
"Oh. Right."

"Chien! It's Dice."
"You want to do something tonight?"
"I can't. We have a game. I have to pitch."

"Dontrelle! It's Dice."
"I heard you're on the DL. You want to do something tonight?"
[disconnect tone]

"Hi, you've reached the voice-mail of Gene Hackman. Leave a message and I'll return your call as soon as possible."

"Moshi moshi! Japan national baseball team."
"Fuck you."

Soviet Russian Album Covers


Quit Your Day Job: Shinedown.

Airline radio will outlast newspapers.

Red-eye flights are the only sensible way to fly cross-country eastbound, as you can easily lose a day with the time change (4-6 hours + 2-3 hours). I'd rather lose sleep than time.

My red-eye flight flew parallel to an electrical storm. 'Twas a neat sight.

Idea: GPS Air. Replace a commercial airplane's inner window panes with transparent projection screens on which passengers can overlay a map to see exactly what they're currently flying over.

What is that lit area below?

My middle-aged Indian taxi driver's mobile rang.

"You're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no…"


I can't believe this terminal corridor has an indoor train in addition to moving walkways. It's like riding an elevator to the second floor of a building. Lazy!

//fast forward//

[panting, sweating]

Oh man… This is longer than Sky Harbour! Why are all the gates for west-coast-bound flights located at the very end?"

"Enjoy Boingo access anywhere in the airport for a full 24 hours."

24 hours — in an airport? That might be reasonable during winter…

Free wi-fi should be standard in airports.

Instead of paying for internet, I people-watched.


"Why is he walking so oddly?"
"Both of his big toes were amputated, so he has to secure flip-flops between his index and middle toes."

5 footlong? Oh and an arrow pointing to his crotch. HI-larious!

Google returns variant shirts that read "$5 footlong."

Would you rather openly declare that your penis may impale sexual partners or that you are a bargain gigolo?

What do you think is the fattest air travel route in America? It's definitely a Southwest route.


Bruk Out


MTV is pondering a reinvention of "Teen Wolf" in series format, with a greater emphasis on romance, horror and werewolf mythology.

So…Twilight with lycanthropes.

In addition, MTV moved into development "Hard Times," a coming-of-age offering that essentially spins HBO's "Hung" by giving a certain anatomical gift to an unpopular 15-year-old. [source]

Idea: Make the unpopular 15-year-old Little Donny.

Idea: Jeong, a companion series to Hung.

I thought Miike Snow was just a common misspelling of Mike Snow, like *NSYNC/N*SYNC, but it turns out that the band named itself after Japanese film director Takashi Miike.

Band Name Idea: Ozon Layer.

Apparently Im in the minority


Previously on Adam Riff™:
note to self: try frozen custard while in detroit

"River Days?"
"It's an annual event."
"Oh. Like that car parade."

"Man, Canada is so close, I feel like if I tried to swim across, the water would become like the endless stairs in Mario 64."

"How do you spell it?"
"Okay, we can travel by freeway or along the water."
"Ooh. A scenic route, like PCH."

West Jefferson Avenue is nothing like the Pacific Coast Highway.

"How many liquor stores does this state need?"

"Heh. A Jiffy Lube re-branded 'Jeff's Lube.' It's like Vons/Jons, only creepy."

Like like like like like.

"Welcome to… How do you pronounce that? 'E-course'? 'Eckers'?"

"Midget Market? What?"

Not my cone (or hand), sadly. I devoured mine before remembering to photograph it.

"This is like softer frosting."

Idea: A frozen treat family tree.

All chocolate soft serve tastes similarly milky to me. As I prefer more potent, darker chocolate, I wish someone would concoct a chocolate soft serve recipe that could challenge chocolate (hard) ice cream and gelato.



I forgot how crummy roads in Michigan are.

"What's wrong with your face?"
"Ill-timed blemishes. Nothing a sunburn can't fix."

"This GPS is useless. What good is a compass without a dungeon map?"

"Headlights, people!"

"I think we're heading into the city. I don't recall Ferndale looking like the panic in the streets scene in Batman Begins."

While trying to locate a brewery, we drove past the Obama gas station on Plymouth.

Meanwhile, in Crawford: the Bush basketball court.

Who supplies Obama gas? I wondered. Is it like store-brand gas?

I bet it originated in a Muslim country.

According to this article, the Obama gas station was formerly a Sunoku Sunoco, but now operates under no contract with any fuel supplier.

Mercenary gas!

We also drove past the abandoned digs of Obama Auto Glass and Electric on Grand River.

He's like an inadvertent Donald Trump, an indeliberate Magic Johnson.

"I fuckin' hate this shitty statue of me."

While reading one of the Detroit newspapers, I discovered that Mike Peters still produces Mother Goose and Grimm comic strips.

All the papers I'll normally read dropped the strip long ago, and I can see why.

This was a Thursday strip, so I assume that Peters conceived a whole story arc around LEONA HELMSLEY'S DOG.

Thoughts on a Clutch Cargo's ad in the Metro Times:

Framing Hanley's "hit" is a novelty cover of a Lil Wayne song.

Hannah Montana's friend sings too?

"Party all the time, party all the time…"

The What Happens in Vegas Tour — clever.

Wait, a band named itself "Anarbor"?


Was "Auburnills" unavailable?



Strangled by the thought

The Nine Most Shameless Aspects of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

There are two robots in the film called Mudflap and Skids, and despite being red and green, respectively, they are voiced in a way that clearly designates them to be the "black" robots. Also, Skids has a gold front tooth (no, I'm serious) and both cannot read.

Change you can believe in.

Asher Roth = not Jewish.
Drake = Jewish.

In the summer of 2006 [Trailer Park Boys' Mike Clattenburg, Jonathan Torrens and Robb Wells] made this mini pilot called DICKS.

Each episode of DICKS would feature 3 dicks and there would be specials like: Celebrity Dicks, Female Dicks, Animal Dicks, Cop Dicks, Drunk Christmas Party Dicks, Affliction Shirt Dicks, Unbelievable Dicks… [source]

I'd like to call DICKS on a messr Chad Paulson.

Tytol will help you get your Zs.


Previously on Adam Riff™:
"What's this?"
"A spy camera. While in town, I want to film myself entering barbershops and saying, 'Excuse me, sir, I need a haircut if you ain't too busy, you old Italian son-of-a-bitch prick barber!'"

"I scouted two barbershops. The barbers inside were Arab. I couldn't."
"Weak sauce."
"'You Arab prick?' No!"

Night one at my hotel, my room lost power. Night two at my hotel, a false fire alarm rang out.

Hotel bedding confounds me. Why so many decorative pillows? What is the point of this large cylindrical one? Why so many layers? Is this a sheet or a blanket? If I'm supposed to sleep under this…sheet, why is it tucked in so tightly? I feel like I'm sleeping in a condom!

I shared the hotel with a Veterans of Foreign Wars convention, which evoked the sports memorabilia show in The Wrestler.

In Michigan, you can order a combination bumper sticker/license plate. For example:

Yes! Save the lighthouses!

This one's a bit creepy.

Evidently, Indiana offers combination bumper sticker/license plates too. In the parking lot of my hotel:

Uh…separation of church and state?

I forgot how astoundingly gigantic big box stores in the midwest are. The Meijer in Highland, Indiana should be one of the wonders of the world.

Sampling Michigan cuisine.

Mall food court logic: Ethnic people serving food of the same ethnicity legitimizes the food in the eyes of patrons.

Idea: Rent a food court for a day and mess with patron expectations. Black people work at the Japanese eatery. Chinese people at the Greek eatery. Italian people at the Indian eatery.

Pizza Hut is trying to rebrand itself as "The Hut"

Meeting People Is Easy

I have spent more time in Michigan than I have on the entire eastern seaboard.

My latest 60-hour visit yielded a week's worth of content.

I'm-a discuss personal stuff today.

Jon and Erin's Wedding

I can now say that I've attended the wedding of someone I befriended online — without a soc-net, no less. An AIM cold call in the summer of 2001 somehow endured. As I'm not the easiest person to deal with — during pre-wedding festivities, Jon exhumed the night I shamefully contemplated stabbing Jord — I could not pass up the invitation.

"Is it just me or are the Wankers all balding?"

The wedding clocked in at approximately 20 minutes, which is five minutes longer than what I feel a wedding should last. At least the filler was interesting.

A wedding is like a wrestling match. The audience will pop for the entrances and the finish, but you can easily lose them in between. Wedding attendees just won't chant "boring."

"I now pronounce you husband and wife!"
"Ho-ly shit! Ho-ly shit!"

At divorce court:
"You fucked up! You fucked up!"

Idea: A wedding equivalent of comedy traffic school.

"Can we stop at a drugstore? After that ceremony, I need a new envelope for my 'card.'"
"Why? I think it's fine as is."
"Uh…no. There is a joke about titties glued to the back!"

After the third time, the charm of clanging for a kiss at a wedding reception wears off.

At my mythical reception:
"You want a kiss? A pound of flesh!"

"Another kiss?"

One of the attendees resembled a WASPy version of Tony, which was distracting and leads me to a sub-post I call…

Awkward Encounters with Tony's Dad and His Girlfriend

1. On my way toward the bar to bus my hors d'oeuvre plate:

"Jon? Jon Yu?"

I froze.

Who is…? Oh that's Tony's dad!


Before I could start a conversation — "Long time no see. You look good." (I know, [groan]) — he introduced his girlfriend and everything died.



I continued toward the bar; they slunk away.

2. While watching the DJ soundcheck in the ballroom, Tony's dad and his girlfriend walked by. He saw that I was nursing a Diet Pepsi and gestured "chug."

3. While strolling through the garden area of the estate, I saw Tony's dad and his girlfriend approaching and instinctively fled in the opposite direction.

A man stood outside the men's restroom.

"You know that multiple people can use this restroom, right?"
"Yes. Women are currently inside."
"Ah. A lookout."

A woman who I assume is his wife exited.

"Another woman is still inside."

Ethan then joined me outside the restroom.

"Uh…is it full?"
"A woman is inside."


Neither Ethan nor I have ever actually tried, but I'm not sure global warming could break the ice between us.

He shot me a weird look as I pulled out a camera in the restroom to photograph myself in the mirror.

I never took the photograph.


The woman holding up the men's restroom finally exited.

4. It was Tony's dad's girlfriend.

The slightest pressure to insert myself in social gatherings generally effects a retreat inward. Back at my hotel, I fretted that my emotionally distant demeanor may have marred Jon and Erin's special day (egoist that I am).

But I don't think anything could ruin this.

My God shall supply all your need

The Haunting in Connecticut was apparently a small hit, so now The Haunting in Georgia is up next. The new pic is expected to follow a somewhat similar path but with a new family in a new state. [source]

Step your game up, Sufjan!

The Decemberists

Even as he prepares for blink-182's summer reunion tour, Tom DeLonge is deeply ensconced in an Angels & Airwaves an album and film project called "Love."

"It's super conceptual and highbrow in many ways, very artistic, very Stanley Kubrick. […] It's like blending Radiohead and U2 together with these kind of Pink Floyd movements." [source]

Someone please punch him in the face.

Beastie Boys

Can you name the Michael Bay movie from the explosion?