Double Feature


Everything involving Carl and Ellie is excellent, particularly the opening montage, but the boy, the bird and the dogs all feel contrived.

I facepalmed when the boy Aesops (and I paraphrase): "We remember life's boring moments the most."

For all its faults, Gran Torino mines the same territory more satisfyingly.

Drag Me to Hell

The parking lot fight between Christine and the gypsy is excellent, but the haunting that follows works better with multiple victims. With one victim, it grows wearisome.

Also: I expected better pay-offs with Stu and the Spanish medium.

Why does Christine have an anvil hanging in her storage shed?

Justin Long's character noticeably owns an iMac and an iPhone. I wonder if he's contractually obligated to use Apple products in his films.

The love you save may be your own

I should touch on Jon and Kate before the week ends.

The two strongly suggest that their marriage is over, but Monday's season premiere of Jon and Kate Plus 8 outdrew the season finale of Lost.

What now?

Jon Plus 8 Every Other Weekend.
Jon and Carol and Ted and Kate Plus 8.
Jon and Kate +7 (the two try to salvage their marriage in Russia).
Kate and 8 Minus Jon.
Jon and Nadya Plus 16 (a contemporary Brady bunch).

TLC also airs 18 Kids and Counting, a series about the infamous Duggar family.

Jon and Nadya Plus 16/18 Kids and Counting Challenge, hosted by Mat Hoffman.

Film Idea: Stay Together for the Keds. "Jon" and "Kate" want to divorce, but both are unwilling to relinquish a sentimental pair of shoes, and both rightly deserve possession.

The Prestige

A television in my boarding area at Sea-Tac was tuned to Headline News. During a commercial break, I saw two consecutive ads for Sea-Tac in which "real" Washingtonians discuss how they love spending time in the airport, shopping and wining and dining and receiving massages.

In an airport.

I've discussed my accent once, twice, thrice before.

At a bar after Bronson, Mike picked the scab.

"You sound like a professor."

An effete one, I bet.

Fuck all y'all.


Hanging out with more than one Wanker at once can be exasperating, because together, they are constantly on. If your brain operates more…methodically, you best cede the floor and just enjoy the show.

Now add Tony's housemate to the mix and…

Tony's housemate Brandon is unreal. I wrote in my notes: "This guy is unreal." It's like Tony and Jon Wilcox created him like Lisa in Weird Science.


I never expected to ever have to juggle time with friends in Seattle, and for that I feel blessed.

Next time, Castle.

Bee Goes Humor, Intentionally

The Turn

Why is Star Wars on MTV? I think this is an MTV Movie Awards parodies special. I've never seen this one. How did MTV get Ian McDiarmid to participate?

five minutes later

Boy, this is a long, terrible parody… Anakin can't land a spacecraft – hi-larious!

two-and-a-half minutes later

"Hey, what is this?"
"Episode III."

It seems like every neighbourhood in Seattle is a trendy one.

If Austin is the most tattooed city in the country, then Seattle can't be far behind.

The slogan for Washington's Lottery is "Whose World Could You Change?" Playing the lottery, however, is not a philanthropic endeavor. People who play the lottery are not celebrities.

"Whose world could you begrudgingly endow?"

If the slogan refers to the funds that the lottery collects, then…way to guilt people into gambling.

"For as little as $5 a month, you can help make a difference in the lives of children in need."

Maybe it was the holiday weekend or Sasquatch!, but for the largest film festival in America, SIFF was poorly attended.

After roping them into seeing Spun, The Backyard and Bronson, I'll be shocked if Chris and Mike ever see another film with me.

Chris remarked that Bronson "has no soul."


It "has no soul"? Who says that?

Invisible beret!

"This fish market…has no sole."

The best film I saw was Paper Heart, a cute investigative mockumentary by Michael Cera's Asian girlfriend. They faux fall in love on camera!

According to the end credits, Rivers Cuomo wrote a song which Michael Cera plays or sings.

As SIFF is three weeks long, I will miss a short about an elderly dancer who covers his home in penis wallpaper and an adaptation of Kurt Vonnegut's "Harrison Bergeron."

I've never eaten so many fries in such a short period of time – hand-cut fries, Greek fries, the locally rampant sweet potato fries, (fish and) chips, poutine.

Jon's fry decrees

1. Fries should never be sweet. Or thick-cut for that matter. Steak fries just taste like carbs.

2. Fry toppings should not overwhelm the fries. 1:2 ratio max. This is not acceptable poutine:

3. Fish and chips is too much fried food at once. Would you eat pasta in a bread bowl? At worst, it should be fish and crisps.

4. Japanese restaurants: Replace the vegetables with another shrimp tempura or two. No one willingly eats vegetable tempura.

"Oooh! Battered broccoli!"

twitter feed of the spelling bee's canadian contingent's

The Pledge

It's 1:00 a.m. on Tuesday, Jon. You have to work in the morning – in another state! What are you doing at Subway?

No? He probably thinks I'm a liar. I should qualify.

"In California! You have to pay sales tax if Subway toasts your sandwich in California."

Five-dollar footlong futon
At Subway On Craigslist


Oh gawd… He wants to small-talk with me. Don't embarrass yourself more, Jon.

one hour earlier

new case file: Brandon (-den? -dan?)

» ailurophiliac – owns one with a Hitler 'stache, named after Shuggie Otis?
» plays The Legend of Zelda games autistically
» questionable palate – enjoys canned diced tomatoes with tomato sauce
» tea aficionado
» drummer
» towel-munching guyakk[citation needed]
» can reportedly grow an absurdly voluptuous beard
» voice sounds like Jarrett Grode
» deceptively erudite – shared the dictionary entry for "phalanx" almost verbatim
» former arsonist
» won't spend money on a television, but will impulsively buy cat figurines

eight hours later

I feel sick. Cold chills – is it influenza? Fuuuck! I need to sleep! I need… I need to poop. But what if the captain turns on the fasten seatbelt sign while I'm pooping? Why are tears pouring from my eyes? I'm not sad!

one hour earlier

Should I eat? I could finally try Qdoba. The Poblano Pesto Burrito sounds tasty.

Oh. Only breakfast burritos at this hour.

Why is the neighbouring Japanese eatery selling sausage patties and scrambled eggs?

American breakfast food is so heavy.

Oooh! Salmon chowder!

three hours later

"Hey, I'm outside baggage claim. Where are you?"
"I'm about to merge onto 101."
"Just now? I need to be at work by 10:00!"

two minutes later

"Hey, a cop just pulled me over for speeding."


twelve hours later

Guh. I'm never gonna finish. One step forward, two steps back.

It's 10:00 p.m. on Tuesday, Jon. You're salaried. Why are you still at work?

GTA IV Fabulously Expands With The Ballad of Gay Tony

Why'd you want to live here?

I finally visited the much ballyhooed Seattle Public Library and, welp, it's an Ikea with books.

On the bus ride downtown, I overheard the self-proclaimed "former ravers" sitting behind me discuss Breaking Bad. Surprise turned to understanding, as Breaking Bad is the opposite of a rave, and they are former ravers.

The band Trivium is, evidently, quite popular.

Rhubarb is a popular ingredient in this area.

I love that all the hipster eateries I've patronized accept credit cards. Highlight of my trip.

I've seen a few bead shops lately – sizable ones – both in Seattle and back home. How do they stay in business? Supply must outweigh demand, right? I mean…beads!


in the queue for a film screening:
this green man, looking slightly more reserved – neon green fur hat, neon green suit, neon green shoes, neon green pearl earrings, but normal-coloured skin

at the Northwest Folklife Festival:
furries, plastic bag men, and a slew of street rats, two of whom were selling their bodies as signboards. "tongue = $20!"

pre-teen hipsters (the fuck?)

I wish I brought my camera.


Dogtooth focuses on the daily lives of three never-named 20-something siblings who not only never left home, but have actually never literally left the house. Their parents have created a complex mythology to keep them happy prisoners and keep the family together.

The parents plan bizarre and borderline dangerous "games" and offer glittery stickers as incentives, use recorded tapes to teach an alternate version of the English language, and harshly enforce a total ban on movies and TV.


depiction of forced incest, two explicitly not-fake images of sex acts, liberation via very bloody self-harm and the on-screen disemboweling of a housecat.

Cannes Diary 05/21/09

Demure, Aggressive, Sleazy

Thanks to foodie web sites, traveling now wreaks havoc on my body. On Thursday alone, after devouring a half-pound burger at Lunchbox Laboratory with more bacon on it than I've eaten in years (plus tots), I consumed some macaroni and cheese, a raspberry and cream cheese brownie, and an espresso brownie just because I had to try Beecher's Cheese and Three Girls Bakery.

How do the souvenir shirts that you see in every airport not all end up in a landfill or an impoverished country?

If you like a city so much, move there. Wearing a souvenir shirt just says, "I am a tacky, uninteresting person."

"Whoa. You saw Desaparecidos open for Bright Eyes at CMJ?"
"Whoa. You…visited Alaska?"


With the Internet, you don't even need to visit a city anymore to buy a souvenir shirt. You can easily be a tacky, uninteresting poseur.

I once saw a man wearing a San Francisco souvenir shirt while riding a cable car in San Francisco.

Way to be that guy who wears a shirt he bought at a concert to that concert, I thought.

I don't understand tourists who photograph stuff without anyone they know in the frame. You can find tons of (likely better composed) photos of the Space Needle on the Internet. Don't you want a more personal one?

LeBron and Kobe may be the sequel to Dan and Dave.