Big Whiskey and the Groogrux King

CollegeHumor owns Vimeo. Ever since The CollegeHumor Show premiered on MTV, I've had trouble uploading videos to Vimeo. Coincidence?


In AWT's stead today, a clip from my favourite new show Nitro Circus:

Travis, Jim and Jolene jump bikes into the Grand Canyon.


Apparently, the clip is still embargoed from embedded play, even though I can embed it.


clip: Grand Canyon Jump

Blow me up, Jon

On the drive home today, I heard the Ying Yang Twins' "Salt Shaker" on the radio.

What happened to Lil' Jon?

—I think that many white people actually believe Lil' Wayne and Lil' Jon are the same person
—just like I thought that Coolio turned into Busta Rhymes
—back in the 90s

"Shake it like a salt shaker" is kind of a lame simile. It's like rhyming a word with itself.

"Stir it like a coffee stirrer!"

"Grind it like a pepper grinder!"

"Mow it like a lawnmower!"

I wish I had the equipment to record a podcast so you could hear me say those lines in my Lil' Jon voice.

Idea: An auto-tuned podcast.

Lil' Bow Wow and Lil' Romeo, the littlest Lil's, are no longer Lil', while Lil' Jon is 38, and even Lil' Wayne is 26.

To be fair, Jon and Wayne aren't particularly memorable stage names.

Ol' Jon? Lil' Big Wayne?

Bow Wow's middle stage name should be Chickawow.

Friday flotsam and jetsam:

» Jerry Springer will play Billy Flynn in a London stage production of Chicago. Jerry Springer was once the mayor of Cincinnati.

» I want to cover The Killers' "Human" as a dirge.

» If Bravo ever produces Top Rapper, one of the challenges should be: Record a song that samples "Yakity Sax."

» James Harden's beard is ridiculous.

» Idea: A panel discussion with Adam Carolla, Petros Papadakis and Gilbert Gottfried moderated by Rece Davis.

Lil Wayne Gets ESPN Tattoo
Twitter Wit is a book of Twitter's wittiest messages, coming out Fall 2009 from HarperCollins
Alcohol Shot Gun
The "Worst Food Product Ever" May Have Been Found
Trailer for short horror comedy Boob


i've never read the watchmen. the big monster thingy looks like something off a Tool Lateralus video.

i have no idea who any of these people are. perhaps you do?

Convex Polyhedron

Pop star-turned director Jay Chou held a press conference in Beijing to introduce the concept for his small-screen directorial debut, "Pandamen."

"We have seen such Western superheroes as Spiderman and Batman, but Chinese people need their own heroes, and that will be the pandamen." [source]

He declined Wong Kar-Wai's offer to play Bruce Lee for this?

I received an e-mail notifying me of the San Francisco Irish Film Festival, which is two films and some shorts. If that constitutes a film festival, I should stage my own.

The Adam Riff™ Film Festival.

—opening night film: if looks could kill
blank check with brian bonsall and karen duffy in attendance
—a day-long tremors retrospective
my father the hero

The Bay Area is home to a glut of niche film festivals. You name it, we probably have a film festival for it.

» Armenian Film Festival
» International Buddhist Film Festival
» Women of Color Film Festival
» Queer Women of Color Film Festival
» LaborFest ("the history and culture of working people")
» TrannyFest
» Sex Worker Film Festival
» CounterCorp: The Anti-Corporate Film Festival
» EarthDance: The Short-Attention-Span Environmental Film Festival
» Ocean Film Festival

We have festivals devoted to films about hookers and the ocean!

Metallic Attraction: Kung Fu Cyborg takes place in a future world where robots are at war with each other.

Wu Jing plays a robot who has become evil but eventually turns over a new leaf. [source]

Kung fu, like zombies, is a niche that filmmakers seem intent on fusing with every other niche imaginable, the culmination of which is Kung Fu Zombie.

Due out this year: Samurai Zombie and Dead Snow, which involves Nazi zombies.

Kung fu + Nazis = Kill or Be Killed, which features a Nazi midget.

Kung fu + midgets = The Impossible Kid.

Mel Gibson in "The Colonel"
The Revenge of's 'Chuckling Maniac'
Real Life Tags

Inveterate Astigmatic

Kraft's new logo looks suspiciously like Walmart's re-branded logo.

The tagline should be: "Our food tastes about as good as our logos look."

It may be a sterile mess, but Kraft's new logo is still a welcome improvement over its old logo. Kraft's old logo is probably my least favourite logo ever. I hate it with the passion of a thousand Sulemans. It is an aesthetic abomination – ugly, tacky… Good riddance.

I received a cookbook "designed to showcase the exciting array of foods sold at Costco."

One of the recipes is Chocolate Cake with Berries.

Drizzle chocolate syrup onto a plate.

Place cake slice on the plate. Arrange berries next to the cake.

I'm not sure "buy a chocolate cake at Costco and put berries next to it" constitutes a recipe.

Prince covered Jimmy Eat World's "The Middle" at his Oscar party.

I wonder how Prince stumbled upon the song.

I picture him listening to KROQ in his car or hearing it while watching Orange County on Comedy Central.

Maybe he plays Guitar Hero?

10 Most Bizarre Soft Drinks
The amazing 3D pavement art that has pedestrians on edge
my guide to Final Jeopardy betting, based on standing at the end of Double Jeopardy!

Summer Sanders (Can Figure Me Out)

Over the weekend, I visited my dentist after four years away.

I felt like my teeth were shifting and, afraid to let 10 years of orthodontic work regress, I scheduled a check-up immediately.

My dentist said that teeth will move to wherever they feel comfortable, like old Jews!

Also: I have a few incipient cavities that won't require filling as long as I brush with prescription-strength toothpaste, which cost me an additional $10.

I don't understand how some people (Tony) can go to sleep without first brushing their teeth.

How can you let remnants of dinner and fourthmeal fester in your mouth overnight?

Even if I'm passing out, I'll force myself awake long enough to floss and brush my teeth.

"Your body is a temple. Littering is strictly prohibited."
– Jamba Juice

I once thought Home Alone 3 should be set at a dentist's office.

I am the king of infirminal overreaction.

In Chicago, I had the flu and blew $500 on an emergency room visit. Last fall, I received X-rays over a case of heartburn.

Sometimes I wish I had befriended more medical students, or at least one.

All my friends are like artists and computer engineers who will be of absolutely no help when I develop cancer or suffer a heart attack.

Both of my cousins of my father's side are studying to be dentists. One of my second cousins is an optometrist.

Teeth and eyes – oy…

Any physicians or surgeons want to be my friend?

I still harbour a desire to be a paramedic.

It would be a drastic career change.

Looking forward to the Adam Carolla podcast starting Monday, especially as I have nearly finished listening to my 5+ year Loveline archive [source]


Over the weekend, I dreamt about blogging about 24.

I dreamt that I wrote:

"I knew that Jack was gonna jump-start the guy's heart by attaching the other end of the jumper cable to his own heart, but I didn't know that the jolt would set off a nearby volcano."

Jack vs. the volcano.

Turning 24 into a genre show wouldn't a bad idea. By now, Jack is enough of a caricature that I could buy him thwarting a natural disaster or…Megatron.

I discovered that Hulu lets you excerpt clips, so this is my favourite part of last Thursday's episode of Hell's Kitchen:

"Look at the filet!"

Sorry, international IPeeps.

Comedy bit idea: Chauncey Billups at a Renaissance Faire.

Shiny Toy Guns are playing at this year's Cornerstone Festival, a Christian music festival organized by Jesus People USA.

Last year, Shiny Toy Guns played at the Folsom Street Fair, the world's largest leather subculture event and showcase for BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism).

With this kind of appeal, the band could run for president.

the best reddit thread ever
the shortlist for Oddest Book Title of the Year
Boy Killed Anally When Office Chair Explodes

Goodness Gracious

Previously on Adam Riff™:
Aaron produced a student film in style of Jackass. Every Friday, another chapter. If you missed any of the previous videos, catch up.

I intended to post this episode as a Valentine's Day special but encountered technical difficulties last week, so…

In honour of George Washington's birthday:

"Ultra. Strength. BENGAY…"

Can I pay my rent in fun?

Woof. Woof.

Now watch UCLA lose to Washington State on Saturday.

While buying tickets for Watchmen, I discovered that a number of cinemas in my area scheduled midnight screenings of Madea Goes to Jail.

I was tempted to attend one just to see what kind of people would attend a midnight screening of Madea Goes to Jail on opening day.

Everyone's gonna be Rorschach for Halloween, aren't they?

The sixth season on Top Chef will reportedly be taped in Las Vegas. If so, I expect a buffet challenge and Wolfgang Puck as a guest judge.

Joël Robuchon is a pipe dream.

"Coach" on Survivor is Frank Mackey (Magnolia) with a touch of unborn Shawn Michaels.

Did you know that Jerry "The King" Lawler organized a summer Caribbean cruise?

This exclusive King Lawler's Royal Cruise event includes:

• The truth about Andy Kaufman
• Tanning sessions on deck with The King
• Port charges, taxes, fuel surcharges & gov't fees

And much more… [source]

I'm tempted to burn vacation days just to see what kind of people would go on a Jerry Lawler-themed cruise.

Hannity produces Armageddon like video presentation of the Stimulus bill: Socialism you can believe in. The new America
Greg Rutter's Definitive List of The 99 Things You Should Have Already Experienced On The Internet Unless You're a Loser or Old or Something

Live Together, Home Alone

Ben: What's the matter?

Jack: I have a terrible feeling.

Ben: About what?

Jack: That we didn't do something.

Ben: You feel that way because we left in a hurry. We took care of everything.
Believe me, we did.

Jack: Did I turn off the coffee?

Ben: No, I did.

Jack: Did you lock up?

Ben: Yeah.

Jack: Did you close the garage?

Ben: That's it. I forgot to close the garage. That's it.


Jack: No, that's not it.

Ben: Well, what else could we be forgetting?


Ben and Jack: WAAAAAAAAAALT!!!

Dexter he ain't.

Penny (slain) is in his ears and in his eyes…

Glass Sandwich

I don't normally discuss games involving my beloved Bruins in advance because it just courts ridicule in the event of a loss, but I want to beat UW tonight so. badly.

I'll leave it at that.


How do you hold a team to 38 points and still lose?

33 points in 40 minutes? Seriously?

Former Smashing Pumpkins guitarist James Iha, Cheap Trick drummer Bun E. Carlos, Hanson's Taylor Hanson and Fountains Of Wayne bassist Adam Schlesinger have formed a new band, Tinted Windows. [source]

How did this happen?

Iha and Hanson? Seriously?

The Michigan Brewing Company is getting a $722,957 tax credit to produce a Kid Rock branded line of beer. [source]

Kid Rock beer? Seriously?

"Barleyandhops da-bang da-bang diggy-diggy-diggy…"


Someone wrote into Bill O'Reilly to say that

I was upset that you showed pictures of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models and no warning was given. I was watching with my family. [source]

The writer was watching The O'Reilly Factor with his or her family? Seriously?

Tech N9ne on Watchmen:

Oh my God, Watchmen looks fucking dope! It looks like some comic book shit. […] That big blue guy sticks out. He looks like something godly. I was like, "What the Hell is that?" It looks like some Marvel Comics shit. [source]

Huh. It does look like some comic book shit!


Oh. Uhh…

What the Hell is that? Seriously?

Dirk's Accident
Paul Pierce's Hideous Customized PlayStation 3
Brandon Roy's Slightly Less Hideous Customized PlayStation 3

Gawd, Husky fans are arrogant.

Kamikaze Chivalry

I heard Doug Gottlieb on the radio scoffing at Alex Rodriguez for blaming his steroid use on being young and stupid.

Doug Gottlieb should scoff, but Doug Gottlieb was also kicked out of Notre Dame for stealing a roommate's credit card and charging $900 to it.

Doug Gottlieb was convicted of fraud.

Let me guess – He was young and stupid.

I intended to write more but got sidetracked by


45 minutes of your time. You will NOT be disappointed.

The beginning and end of part two are especially fucked.

related: My Car Is My Lover

"Edward told us that he had also made love to a helicopter, and not just any helicopter, but Airwolf!"

'What What (In the Butt): The Movie' Inching Towards Reality
What What (In the Ear)
What What (In the Nose)

Clocked In Punched Out

segment AD bisects segment BC
segment BC bisects segment AD

ΔABM and ΔDCM are congruent

1. segment AD bisects segment BC 1. given
2. segment AM ≅ segment DM 2. when a segment is bisected, the two resulting segments are congruent
3. segment BC bisects segment AD 3. given
4. segment BM ≅ segment CM 4. when a segment is bisected, the two resulting segments are congruent
5. ∠AMB ≅ ∠CMD 5. vertical angles are congruent
6. ΔABM ≅ ΔDCM 6. SAS postulate (2, 4, 5)

Still got it.

Depth Charge



Is Global obligated to show NBC's watermark?

CBS doesn't show CTV's watermark during Flashpoint

Idea: The Human Alien Project.

I haven't worked out the logistics, but sequester a newborn baby boy so that he grows up without any human interaction. He can only observe human behavior in films and books and on television and a restricted Internet.

Then, on his 18th birthday, release him into the world and document what happens.

Fox is releasing both Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li and Dragonball Evolution.

Double zero roulette.

Idea: A television adaptation of Marvel's What If…? comic book series.

Plenty of existing material to work with:

» What if Daredevil had lived in Feudal Japan?
» What if Iron Man sold out?
» What If Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive sheep?
» What if Spider-Man was a murderer?
» What If Spider-Man had remained in 1980s Russia after an accidental death?
» What if Wolverine was lord of the vampires?
» What if Wolverine became The Punisher in the 1920s?


And this is merely what Marvel has published. Imagine the scenarios the writers of, say, Nip/Tuck could dream up.

» What if Captain America had lived in the American Civil War?

Idea: A dramatization of a contemporary American Civil War.

I secretly hope that America descends into civil war again. I think it'd be fun to align with a side and participate in combat in America as we know it.

Why is this not a video game? Call of Duty 5: Modern Civil Warfare.

5-Hour Energy, 6 Hour Power – Do I hear seven? Seven hours?

May this energy shot arms race never end.

In 2003, I read about In Smog and Thunder, a mockumentary about a Californian civil war told through artwork.

I wish it was a live-action film.

I like Northern California's chances against Southern California in a civil war. I think the tale of the tape is fairly even.

They have a naval base; we have BART cops.

It's time to retire "Rain in Los Angeles is a big deal" as an observation.

The Penis Mushroom Blows Us Away
Major League Baseball Urns and Caskets
The Five Rules Of Steven Seagal

Everything Must Go

—I don't know what the fuck you're talking about half the time

—i'm either super out of the loop on shit – or i'm missing a lot of stuff lately

Alright. Today, I'm-a test out footnotes in the comments.

I miss rebuses and Classic Concentration.

Game show idea: Blind Spots. Two contestants with disparate areas of expertise answer questions on their opponent's areas of expertise.

Black and silver are not discordant colours, but the MacBook's black keyboard and the silver iPod nano's black wheel offend my eyes.





24 won't put a character in a wheelchair unless they want her knocked out of it, crawling desperately for a phone or a knife or any sort of useful implement that a fully mobile person could reach without a problem. Either that, or Dubaku will just roll her down a staircase, which might be funny in a macabre way. [source]

Might be funny?

"I've been vaiting for you…" Thwack!

This most recent episode [of 24] had one of my favorite Jack lines of all time. After Renee has been kidnapped, shot, then buried alive, survived, and then forced by Jack to fake-torture a baby:

Jack: Are you okay?
Renee: Umm… I'm not sure
Jack: What do you mean, what's wrong? [source]

I want to see Glenn Beck interview Tatiana Del Toro.4

I want to craft a documentary on Asian NASCAR fans.

I want to record an a capella cover of Radiohead's "Idiotheque" with beatboxers.

Green Day's 21st Century Breakdown is broken into three acts.

"I don’t know if you'd call it a 'concept album,' but there's a thread that connects everything."

The title track morphs into multiple movements. [source]

FREE ASSOCIATION: Frances the Mute.5

Is this legal?

I await Avatars.6

The Asylum's web site also lists a film called Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus starring Debbie Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas.

Not photoshopped.

I hate when gelato shop employees look at you while you look at the gelato.

Stop looking at me looking at gelato! I'll order when I'm ready!

Your 2009 Dunk Contest champion.

Nate Robinson has a son. Imagine if your father was Nate Robinson.

Randy Moller Is My New Favorite Announcer
G.I. Joe Characters Like A Michael Jackson Evolutionary Map
Carts of Darkness