The Best Films of 2009

It's that time of year again. Remember the tried and true formula: experience + resonance = fantastic film.


5. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

4. Inkheart

3. Paul Blart: Mall Cop

2. Hotel for Dogs

1. Bride Wars
Certain movies about losers have a special, desperately moving appeal. By showing us people whose lives have fallen dramatically short of their dreams, they speak to – and for – all of us. Gary Winick's Bride Wars, with Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson as dueling bridezillas, touches a chord in audiences the way Cinema Paradiso and The Real Cancun did. It has that kind of lyrical humanity.

Bad Questions For Yahoo Answers
Cash4Gold snaps up a slot for Super Bowl XLIII ad
After 8 Years, T-Shirt Hell Closes Its Doors Thanks to Hate Mail

Major Major Major Major

If Coachella fanboys booked the festival, Radiohead would take up residency.

I would try to book Tom Waits as a headliner, but I think I overestimate his appeal.

Every year, I hear a rumour that The Smiths will reunite at Coachella, and every year, the band does not.

Pink Floyd may have reunited in 05, and Led Zeppelin may have reunited in 07, and Guns N' Roses may have released Chinese Democracy, but The Smiths will NEVER reunite.

The Avalanches will release a sophomore album 3D Realms will release Duke Nukem Forever before The Smiths reunite.

In fact, if The Smiths ever reunite, I will post of a video of myself addressing a camera on YouTube and allow comments. I am that confident.

Also: If The Smiths reunited, it would be in Mexico.

La Lapalooza.

With a Smiths reunion out of the picture, I would throw money at the following bands:

» Pavement
If they don't reunite this year, they will eventually.

» At the Drive-In
I fear that an ATDI reunion would not feature the original line-up.

—i think it would
—jim ward needs the money
—but i think the mars volta need to do one more crappy record before they reunite

» Oingo Boingo
"In 2007, Danny Elfman said there would not be a reunion. He has irreversible hearing loss and is worried that playing live would exacerbate it."

One show, Danny! One!

» Soul Coughing and Desaparecidos
Both reunions hinge on stupid rogue frontmen returning to the fold.

» Invisibl Skratch Piklz
Reuniting Qbert and Mix Master Mike should not be difficult. Reuniting them with A-Trak a decade-plus later would be a treat.

» Refused
Performing The Shape of Punk to Come!

…just me?

English translations of Russian Lolcats
not a movie poster.
"That Is ACTUALLY What She Said": Introducing The Office Porn
The Greatest Snack Food Stadium Ever Built

Lucinda Nicholson

This text will be replaced

Um, wow.


Chris Parlow and Frank Sobotka and Cedric Daniels all on one ep of "Fringe"! [source]

The cast of The Wire will never shake their roles.

24's first ladies/husbands sure lead scandalous lives.

Untimely comedy sketch idea: Laura Bush on 24.

Madame President's internal conflict would be less tedious if she debated with herself like Gollum.

"We wants it. We needs it. Must invade Sengala!"

This week on a very special Secret Life of the American Teenager:

Yes, that is Molly Ringwald.

Solitary is my guilty television pleasure. It's basically reality torture, or willful self-debasement for a paltry $50,000, and I love it.

root beer pong challenge

cheese challenge

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies features the original text of Jane Austen's beloved novel with all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie action.
Hello Kitty Zombie Birthday Cake
an Ebay auction for the virginity of a 19 year-old quadriplegic girl


» My Chemical Romance – "Desolation Row"
(off the Watchmen soundtrack)


I like MCR, but it sounds like a straight cover of a cover by Andrew WK.

The band is best when bombastic.

Sinclair was the original Stewie.


More Is Enough

Spaghetti Cat, meet Cupcake Dog.

related: Best Week Ever with Paul F. Tompkins is awful.

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

You have resorted to communicating your displeasure in a number of passive-aggressive ways. These include glaring at the employee when he looks away and providing somewhat curt burrito-filling instructions in an apparent hope that your cold tone of voice will make him realize that a terrible mistake has been committed.


I've stewed similarly over portions of chicken, particularly when I order tacos.

"What is that? Type 1 on the Bristol Stool Scale? You gave the guy in front of me a heaping scoop! This is un-egalitarian! I'm paying the same price for tacos!"

"Is that an air pocket in my container of guacamole?"

Prolonged frowning once scored me free soda pop.

Women scooping chocolate ice cream also exasperate me.

If you know that part of your job involves scooping chocolate ice cream and that chocolate ice cream is difficult to scoop, do some forearm curls!

"What is that? I'm paying for a scoop of ice cream, not a number! You don't get to round up! How would you like it if you had breast cancer and I scooped 'plenty' of the tumor out?"

"Get FREE chips and salsa when you buy anything* from our FIESTA PLATTER MENU."
* Does not include chips and salsa.

"Do the chips and salsa come with chips and salsa?"

Get FREE rice when you buy anything from our NIGIRI SUSHI MENU.

Wait, the offer ends February 14?

"Happy Valentine's Day."
"Chips and salsa? You shouldn't have!"

Pro Bowl party at my place.

Soon everybody will ask what became of you

Happy Chinese New Year.

I'm probably too old to continue accepting red envelopes, but I've rationalized that refusing hundreds of dollars from elders is extremely disrespectful.

Fuck Paste for popularizing shitty graphic design.

On Obama's Web site, which was used during the transition period, his staff asked the public to submit new policy ideas. Then the rest of the online community voted on its favorites.

The most popular idea, by a wide margin: "Ending marijuana prohibition." [source]

Oh, America! Would you like a college football playoff too?

I saw an ad in Sunday's paper for Hershey's Candy Bowl Blitz.

"Treat Your Home Team! Save $2.00 on any TWO bags of…"

Who eats candy while watching a football game?

I wish I could toggle ESPN's "BottomLine" on and off so I could watch tennis without being reminded constantly that my basketball team lost earlier.

While watching a Greek chap in a Manowar shirt sing between serves, I re-considered America's involvement in World War II.

DC Comics laid off several staff members at MAD magazine. MAD magazine will move to a quarterly schedule in April. [source]

Yes, you worry.

Mad lost me when it added "Monroe" and began captioning film stills for content.

Hey, I'm Mad magazine!

Mickey Rourke said that he would be at WrestleMania, and that he is coming for Chris Jericho. [source]

"I hate the fuckin' 90s, Y2J."

Product idea: The Perfect Squat.

Tony Little (I'm the World's Number One Personal Trainer!):

There was the time I accidentally sat in a pool of acid at a pet-supply manufacturer and burnt my butt and balls; then I got kicked in the balls by a horse. [source]

Why is his life not a film starring Patrick Warburton?

True story: In my youth, I burned my balls (and schlong) with chicken soup. Second-degree burn.

The soup that burned me…..was from PIZZA HUT!!!!!!!!!!1

Banlieue 14

Anatomy of a Kissy Face
Checking in on the post-Inauguration fuckfest (nsfw)
File this one under "things that make me miss L.A."

Sometimes I feel like my posts need footnotes.

The Last Pale Light in the West

Jason Montes, 33, was found dead by police at the home of his estranged wife. His wife was fatally wounded at the location. Montes had called a friend to say he had shot his wife and planned to kill himself. [source]

Jason was my supervisor at Hüdson. I sat across from him. His then-girlfriend joined us one time for lunch.

Lunch for him was always meat-topped pizza or a plain cheeseburger. He didn't eat vegetables.

A few days before I walked out, Jason learned that our boss John was terminating him at the end of the month.

I lunched with him a week later.

"John asked me if he needed to change the locks on the doors."

"He thinks you're doomed to fail in a structured work environment."

That was the last time I saw Jason. I kept his screenname on my buddy list, but we only chatted once afterward (I don't keep in touch with people).

He invited me to lunch. I couldn't go.

27 Oct 06: "Jason, evidently, helped found IGN. So says his résumé."

Montes had recently filed for bankruptcy protection.


I dunno…

Bcademy Award Nominations

Best Picture
The Dark Knight
Gran Torino
Revolutionary Road
The Wrestler

Best Director
Christopher Nolan » The Dark Knight
Clint Eastwood » Gran Torino
Sam Mendes » Revolutionary Road
Andrew Stanton » Wall-E
Darren Aronofsky » The Wrestler

Best Actor
Benicio Del Toro » Che
Clint Eastwood » Gran Torino
Colin Farrell » In Bruges
Leonardo DiCaprio » Revolutionary Road
Josh Brolin » W.

Best Actress
Cate Blanchett » The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Sally Hawkins » Happy-Go-Lucky
Kristin Scott Thomas » I've Loved You So Long
Kate Winslet » Revolutionary Road
Michelle Williams » Wendy and Lucy

Best Supporting Actor
Dev Patel » Slumdog Millionaire
Michael Sheen » Frost/Nixon
James Franco » Milk

Best Supporting Actress
Debra Winger » Rachel Getting Married
Rosemarie DeWitt » Rachel Getting Married
Freida Pinto » Slumdog Millionaire

Anderson Cooper Totally Incoherent After Inauguration
Condom stuck inside of me…for 20 days?

Thank you for being a band!

Perception vs. Reality

The season premiere of Lost (6.8/10) finished third in its time slot, behind Criminal Minds (8.7/13) and Lie to Me (7.7/12), two procedurals.

Earlier this week, cable's The Secret Life of the American Teenager beat Gossip Girl head-to-head by double-digit percentages, including by 77% in total viewers (3.9 million vs. 2.2 million).

Speaking of which…

This week on The Secret Life of the American Teenager:

Hey, it's one of the original cast members of MADtv! Joe Rogan's half-brother!

The Lonesome Crowded West

A 57-year-old man brought back a reassembled lobster shell to his local Price Chopper store and claimed the crustacean was spoiled.

The store manager was about to let him trade the lobster for a $27 bag of king crab legs when he discovered the lobster was just a shell.

The man ran from the store clutching the crab legs when he was confronted. [source]

Lil' Wayne has a 12-year-old daughter?

Lil' Wayne is 26.

Lil' Wayne could be a grandfather at age 28.

Diane Sawyer Still Obviously Intoxicated (lulz)
Must. Buy.
the matrix cat fight

Two dollars and twenty-seven cents

"Get Married on MySpace," a new web reality series, will allow one lucky couple to receive the wedding of their dreams in exchange for letting the MySpace community plan every step and detail of the wedding. [source]

One lucky couple!

The real money is in "Get Married on 4chan."

"Get Married on GAF"?

If you google "Wolverine," the fifth Image Search result is:

His claw looks more like a garden cultivator.

"Okay, now what?"
"Stick it through your nasal septum!"

I bet his nipples are spiky.

The final edition of "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches."
One outgoing Treasury employee landed a job as a manager at Abercrombie & Fitch
Federally funded CLOWN teaches abstinence to middle schoolers
my girlfriend

All We Want, Baby, Is Everything

Last week, I caught a bit of College Football Live on ESPN. The gang read reader-submitted "Tebowisms," which are basically Chuck Norris facts about Tim Tebow.

Over the weekend,'s front page featured randomized "Reality Checks," which are basically Chuck Norris facts about Vince McMahon.

This is like trying to brand "yo mama" jokes.

"Chuck Norris is so fat, he eats Wheat Thicks!" Same difference.

On Monday, Petros and Money filled in for Jim Rome on his radio show. Whilst listening, I lollered at the thought of "Fatros Fapadakis."

I am 10 years old.

My parents departed for Taiwan on Christmas Eve. My mother was supposed to return with my father on January 7, but she extended her trip until the 22nd.

I learned why on Monday.

She enrolled in a class on digital photography.


At a sushi bar on Monday:

"Our special tonight is fresh sea urchin."
"Sea urchin?"
"It's very fresh!"

"Try this."
"A deep-fried horse mackerel skeleton?"
"Eat it like a chip!"

"For you, on the house!"
"What is it?"
"A seared fish gill flap."


top five of the now:
1. jon theodore
2. kid koala
3. andrew mcmahon
4. arturo sandoval
5. mike watt