Dane Cook, Jack Bauer and Eli Whitney

Happy Halloween.

My treat for you is part 2/4 of a terrible DIY adaptation of "The Navidson Record" from House of Leaves.

fast forward to 4:13

Why would you share this with the world?

If adapted properly, I think "The Navidson Record" could be a swell verité-horror short. I'm not sure the source material can sustain a feature length.

I once shit my pants in the middle of a flight from Taipei to San Francisco and had to spend hours sitting in coach in my own creamy filth.

How do you dispose of soiled underwear on an airplane? You don't.

And even if I did, I had also soiled my jeans – visibly, on the outside. I looked like I'd just finished racing off-road.

I will see the Ron Clark Academy's T.I. parody with this:

Philly loves lamp! Green Man!
Corn Ice cream
"Burning Palms" is a satire of popular stereotypes of West Hollywood, Santa Monica, Sherman Oaks, Westwood and Holmby Hills.

I Remember You

The CW Planning 'Melrose Place' Reboot

To set up a Models Inc. reboot?

The CW has become the plot of Vertigo.

"I'm missing Knight Rider for this? Not even president yet and he's already taking stuff away from me… Good God, he's on every channel! Wait… What is this queer shit? Daisies? Whaaa? Nigger probably paid for this too!"

In this week's episode of Friday Night Lights, Tim Riggins watches Top Chef.

I caught an ad in which Billy Mays (of OxiClean fame) pitches health insurance.

iCan [is] the first health insurance company Mays has been excited to endorse. [source]

I'm curious about which companies he passed on.

"Good news, everyone! Billy Mays agreed to endorse Blue Cross!"

Apropos of nothing:

a cat in a rice krispie treat costume

Flickin' Nuggets

Awkward title, I know, but I really wanted to use that image.

Today, I shall focus on contemporary British and Irish cinema.

release date: December 5 (limited)

"follows Bobby Sands and other Irish Republican Army inmates of Northern Ireland's Maze Prison in 1981 as they protest, demanding to be treated as political detainees"

It's not much of a movie, but it's an astonishing work of art. I'm dying to see what first-time director Steve McQueen produces next. Top three, if not the best film I've seen this year.

Better Things
release date: January 29 (UK)

"remakes well-worn themes of alienation, addiction and emotional isolation as minimalist, overlapping tableaux"

Again, it's not much of a movie, but it's an admirable (and to some, very depressing) meditation on (dry) intoxication. First-time director Duane Hopkins displays a stellar control of image, sound, pacing and tone.

release date: n/a

"Kylie and Dylan flee their miserable homes on the outskirts of Dublin in search of salvation and Dylan's missing brother"

It's a "one crazy night" movie gimmicked up with Bob Dylan and colour manipulation – a light, pleasant pick-me-upper, the opposite of Better Things.

To cast the two leads, director Lance Daly scoured Irish schools.

British and Irish filmmakers like to cast young people with no acting experience, and it usually pays off.

To cast the two leads in Son of Rambow, Garth Jennings scoured British schools.

To cast heroin addicts in Better Things, Hopkins scoured rehab centres.

Slumdog Millionaire
director: Danny Boyle (Trainspotting)
writer: Simon Beaufoy (The Full Monty)
release date: November 12 (limited)

"An orphan from the slums of Mumbai is just one question away from winning a staggering 20 million rupees on India's Who Wants to be A Millionaire? Held on suspicion of cheating, he tells the police the amazing tale of his life and of the girl he loved and lost"

It's a bombastic, distinctively-Indian Big Fish framed by a game show and starring the guy who played Anwar on Skins. I was prepared to sell it as a bang-up, hyper-vibrant experience, but then the ending sold it for me as a bang-up, hyper-vibrant film.

Is There Anybody There?
director: John Crowley (Boy A)
release date: n/a

"a story of an unlikely friendship between a jaded former magician (Michael Caine) and a little boy obsessed with ghosts and the paranormal"

First off, if you haven't seen Boy A, see it. Andrew Garfield deserves award recognition for his performance.

As for Crowley's follow-up, it's good while it lasts but not particularly memorable.

I've seen all of Crowley's cinematic oeuvre. He's like a less dependable Danny Boyle.

A Film with Me in It
release date: n/a

"a struggling actor and a shiftless aspirant try to handle a series of unforeseen events"

It's Very Bad Things with an Irish sensibility. I could overlook its predictable twists because Dylan Moran is comic money. Shaun of the Dead, Tristram Shandy, Run, Fatboy, Run and now this.

I hope to catch Somers Town, Shane Meadows' follow-up to Adam Riff™ favourite This Is England, by year's end.

Meadows scoured British towns to cast the lead in This Is England, whom he later cast as one of the leads in Somers Town.


Gay comedy is the most wretched, lowest common denominator genre of film.

How 'bout a proposition banning gay comedies? I'll cover every square-centimetre of my lawn with "yes" signs!

Lyle Bennet: the most useless character on television?

"I recognize you from somewhere…"
"I play Lyle on Heroes."

Joe Lieberman: the most loathsome man alive?

I shouldn't say this, but someone should've shot him in a rowboat a long time ago.

The Unfinished Swan is a first-person game set in an entirely white world. Players splatter black paint to help them find their way through an unusual garden.

'I Would Make A Bad President,' Obama Says In Huge Campaign Blunder
The Undecided Voter's Rhyme-Based Guide to the 2008 Presidential Election
A whimsical electoral map
Giada De Laurentiis In Desperate Need of a Thesaurus


Cast members of The Wire visited North Carolina in support of Obama.

Jamie Hector (Marlo Stanfield) and Gbenga Akinnagbe (Chris Partlow) appeared at a Backyard Brunch for Barack in Raleigh on Sunday.

On Monday, Hector visited UNC Chapel Hill and Duke University to encourage students to vote early. [source]

Vote early!

Tomorrow, Hector and Akinnagbe will visit Maryland to kill Prop J.

I helped a customer today named John Ham. No shit.

I'm debating whether or not to see this.

Idea: Seth and Elizabeth (as Zack and Miri) remake Zack and Miri Make a Porno as a porno.

via Drew:
—you should come to the pope and watch all hell break loose in south philly
—jason and i are gonna punch each other in the face if they win

4:58 PM.

12:09 AM: "I'm going outside to punch all the raindrops"

Tonight: "Do not miss this episode of House!"

During Game 3 of the World Series, Rays family members and employees say they were harassed and abused by Phillies fans to an unacceptable degree.

Children were cursed at, and one 9-year-old boy had beer poured on him. A Rays family member stayed locked in a bathroom stall because, he said, Phillies fans were banging on the walls and threatening him. [source]


Be honest. Pouring beer on children is funny! Harassing the poo-shy is funny!

Stole a taco, stuck in stall!

The Aquabats remind you that Tuesday is Taco Day.

Do Ron Jaworski's deconstructions of football plays interest anyone?

Monday Night Football's down-and-distance graphic annoys me. The typeface looks like Impact and thus looks cheap. Fox's is my favourite. NBC – too distracting. CBS – looks bloated.

Football games are Halloween for fat white guys.

8 More Days, what fun it will be
Robocop on a Unicorn
Heaven: The Game


I hear Adam Robot and his buddies plan to play a Joker costume drinking game.

I can't wait until 16:9 televisions are the norm so logos are no longer oddly positioned and superfluous graphicage disappears.

I like the mellow injury break version of the NFL on Fox's segue-to-commercial music.

During Saturday Night Football, I heard Penn State fans humming "Seven Nation Army."

Jesus ranch! Learn a new song!

If Penn State doesn't play in the National Championship Game (and they shouldn't), I'm-a have to mute the Rose Bowl telecast.

"Seven Nation Army"
"Tribute to Troy"
"Seven Nation Army"
"Tribute to Troy"
"Seven Nation Army"
"Tribute to Troy"
"Seven Nation Army"
"Tribute to Troy"
"Seven Nation Army"
"Tribute to Troy"
"Seven Nation Army"
"Tribute to Troy"
"Seven Nation Army"
"Tribute to Troy"
"Seven Nation Army"
"Tribute to Troy"
"Seven Nation Army"
"Tribute to Troy"
"Seven Nation Army"
"Tribute to Troy"

Ohio State's football helmets are sparkly.

If I wanted to play Monopoly without cash, I'd play video Monopoly.

My favourite part of "Two A-Holes at an Ad Agency in the 1960s" is when Joan enters the room. "CHRISTI–oh it's just that new chick never mind."

Chef Anne Burrell cooks spaghetti Bolognese
Does she have Tourette's?

related: Joliver

It's called "Google Image Search."

Wackier line-up:

The Nightmare Before Christmas
Neil Hamburger
Butthole Surfers
The Locust
The Damned
Kool Keith and Kutmasta Kurt

or the Buzz 103 Buzz Bake Sale
Reel Big Fish
Jack's Mannequin
Flogging Molly
more ?

And I am tellllling you… I don't give a shit about Jennifer Hudson's family.

DANCE FLICK stars Shoshana Bush and Damon Wayans Jr in a hilarious take on the dance movie genre.


Saw becomes the top-grossing horror franchise of all time
"TV Ears saved our marriage!"
Hooray for Cartoon Lesbians
Top Ten 'Concept' Drinks that we actually made and drank

Graduate students are the worst

1. official ong-bak 2 trailer

Goodness… I dub it "Apocalypto Now."

All the best action sequences I've seen this year I saw in Asian films.

2. Ben visited Los Angeles (and California) for the first time this week.

—people here love social d

3. The woman I called a "faggot" adjusted her "Yes on 8" lawn sign so that it no longer faces the street.

4. Idea: A wedding cake lawn ornament topped with figurines of Bush and McCain holding hands. The cake pops open to reveal an egg-laying hen and pregnant pig crammed inside.

5. triple chocolate pizookie!

6. If McCain's Good Enough For Spencer and Heidi, He's Good Enough For You!
7. What's zupdog?

8. one of the few times i wish i lived in a red state

The NFL didn't schedule a Sunday night game against the World Series. Bump Seahawks-Niners to Sunday night! Madden lives in the Bay Area. Michaels lives in Los Angeles. He can fly up.

9. gary parrish's avatar is frightening

10. Bid to create world's largest sandwich in Iran fails after crowd eats it before it can be measured

11. After last week's late-afternoon NFL game, the local CBS affiliate aired an animated series called Sushi Pack.

Sushi Pack features a team of wasabi, salmon egg sushi, crab sushi, tuna sushi, and octopus sushi as they use their wits and their emotions to save the world.

The Sushi Pack team lives in a donut shop with their human friend, Ben.

Ah so…

Wasabi can only communicate with squeaky noises and has the power to shoot fireballs.

He's an anthropomorphic glob of horseradish paste who can shoot fireballs.


Members of an evil sushi pack include:

Toro: A very fat tuna who isn't very smart.

Mochi Mochiato: A frozen ball of rice coated ice cream who freezes her enemies in their tracks. She is candy coated, but cold as ice. [source]

DuckTales it ain't.

12. I was reading Highlights at the doctor's office and learned that Goofus and Gallant were originally elves.

Also at the doctor's office: I overheard a receptionist say that she feared an Obama presidency because "black people govern like dictators."

13. The trailer for Mart Racer reminds of an episode of Married…with Children in which Al and Peg compete against Jefferson and Marcy in a "supermarket sweep" with Jerry Mathers as the judge. Al pushes a custom black shopping cart with a blade in the front.

Factoid: Said episode was Ted McGinley's first as a series regular.

14. National Lampoon released Robodoc on DVD this week.

starring Alan Thicke (Growing Pains), David Faustino (Married with Children), Corin Nemec (Parker Lewis Can't Lose) and Michael Winslow (Police Academy)

Alas, Alfonso Ribeiro was busy hosting a game show.

Who does he think he is? Richard Karn?

15. I caught an ad for a trivia game show hosted by Meat Loaf that pits irrelevant musical artists against each other.

11/11 Divas vs. Color Me Badd
12/2 Jimmie Van Zandt vs. Sisqo
12/23 Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam vs. Da Brat
12/30 Everclear vs. Starship

I suppose booking Sugar Ray is unfair. Mark McGrath destroyed the competition on Rock and Roll Jeopardy!.

16. Spike Jonze to direct video for Weezer's "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived"
of all the songs on the red album…

17. Could Synecdoche, New York Be the Worst Movie Ever? Yes!

18. Dear Rays fans: I made an awesomely shitty collage of pictures of the shitty roof of your stadium.


Kill the pig! Cut his throat!

At lunch today, I caught a viewer comment on CNN's ticker that read: "I don't want a socialist in the White House."

McCain must be pretty contemptuous of his supporters to play the "socialist" card.

How can you call Obama a "socialist" derisively when your party, your President and your Presidential candidate all just helped nationalize our banking system?

How can "real Americans" call Obama a "socialist" derisively when "their" farmers regularly request government bailouts?

I saw an image of a man wearing a jacket that read "change" on the back with a hammer and sickle as the "g."


And this:

After suffering crushing, back-to-back Ls to W and with the edge in this election, the Democrats would be astoundingly foolish to field a TERRORIST as their candidate.

David Horowitz was a Marxist in his youth. Thus, conservatives are Marxists. Guilt by association, right?

Extra, extra! Marxists hate socialist! Obama launches first satellite into orbit! omHg!

Blind loyalty and susceptibility recall members of a certain German socialist party…

A few "Yes on 8" lawn signs recently popped up in front of houses on my running route. I ran past one such house today and impulsively greeted the woman gardening outside with: "Hey, faggot!"

Why must marriage be protected?

Marriage, like socialism, is bullshit. Man invented the concept of marriage. It has no sanctity to preserve. My jerk-off fantasies are as holy as Rob's marriage.

If only religious organizations poured the same time, money and effort into championing more constructive causes…

I mean, God forbid two dudes pick a cake. (God forbid?)

But the children!

"We want to indoctrinate them ourselves!"

Spill his blood! Bash him in!

Typocalypse: subliminal messages fonts are feeding you…
Cartoon-Off: XKCD
World of Warcraft vs. My Girlfriend

You are a runner and I am my father's son

at a radiology center.

i've been experiencing sharp pain in the left side of my chest accompanied by difficulty breathing.

according to my mother, my rib cage is abnormally concave.

"when you were young, doctors said that it might eventually compress the organs inside."

"now you inform me?" i thought.

i used to contend that i wouldn't live past 30.

silly me.

my boss has been overseas since mid-september.

if i collapsed at work, no one would know until the night janitor arrived.

Back up against the wall

I told you.

I heard the end of game six on the radio and it sounded like a win at Fenway.

Congo, it seems, is finally facing its horrific rape problem.


One speaker, Claudine Mwabachizi, told how she was kidnapped by bandits in the forest, strapped to a tree and repeatedly gang-raped. The bandits did unspeakable things, she said, like disemboweling a pregnant woman right in front of her. [source]

My initial reaction? This would be a good horror flick.

Cinematic death idea: Smother someone with exposed fiberglass insulation.

I caught a bit of the Michigan at Penn State game, during which time Penn State's band played "Seven Nation Army" ad nauseam. The crowd showed remarkable restraint in not murdering the band.

When UCLA overtook Stanford with 0:10 left in the game, I instinctively flashed back to last Sunday's Bears game against the Falcons and began feeling sick.

"New Chik-Fil-A sauce" is so vague.

Brad Pitt: What's in the sauce? WHAT'S IN THE FUCKIN' SAUCE?

Truthful TV Title Cards
Inflatable Sarah Palin Doll
"The Next Air Force One"
Upside Down Dogs