Wake me up when September ends

I've been sitting in front my computer for three hours trying to craft a post and…

It is important to note that while "hizzouse" retains its noun form, it is never acceptable to refer to one half of a bicameral legislature as "The Hizzouse of Representatives" unless one finds oneself in a Chris Rock film. Although that rule stands, referring to oneself as "the Speaker of the Hizzouse" is acceptable, if not encouraged. [source]

Ask Michael Vick

Q: Hey, Mike. What part of your mouth do the Aryans usually ejaculate onto?
A: Roof!

Q: Hey, Mike. How is anal rape without lube?
A: Ruff!

Q: Hey, Mike. What kind of candy bar were you sodomized with last night?
A: Ruth!

On Dancing with the Stars, Susan and Tony danced the Rumba to "Waiting on the World to Change."

On the Wikipedia page on former Reel Big Fish trumpet player Tavis Werts, I read:

After leaving Reel Big Fish Tavis returned to college to pursue a degree in Rocket Science.

"WHAT?" I thought.

Mechanical Engineering major at UC Irvine.

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Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean congue. Phasellus massa risus, feugiat quis, cursus vitae, dapibus ac, lacus. Nulla facilisi. Morbi vel risus ac orci mattis interdum. Aenean pulvinar iaculis nunc. Donec in quam ut magna tempor eleifend. Curabitur egestas, quam nec pulvinar convallis, ligula nulla scelerisque metus, sed tincidunt est massa quis tortor. Nunc imperdiet tortor nec orci. Sed lobortis mauris a erat. Donec placerat. Nunc at diam. Vestibulum tellus. Fusce a massa. Donec quis dui ullamcorper pede ornare faucibus.

Double spacing between sentences should be a punishable offense.

Anyone born after the McDLT has no business stomping around acting punk rock

Redskins-Cowboys was blacked out in my market for this.

I can't decide which is more excruciating to watch: Wisconsin football or Wisconsin basketball?


The Wrestler
director: Darren Aronofsky (Requiem for a Dream)
release date: December 19

What's left to say? Um… Screenwriter Robert D. Siegel was the editor-in-chief of The Onion from 1996 to 2003. Leitch covered all my other notes.

I've read synopses that paint The Wrestler as a comeback story when it's actually a fragile comeback tragedy reminiscent of Brokeback Mountain.

In his review of the latter, Roger Ebert wrote: "It is the story of a time and place where two men are forced to deny the only great passion either one will ever feel."

Well, The Wrestler is the story of a time and place where one man is forced to deny the only gr__t passion he will ever feel.

Gachi Boy
director: Norihiro Koizumi
release date: March 1 (08)

Two fantastic wrestling-related films in one year? Belie dat.

Gachi Boy is Memento crossed with Rocky, an underdog story about a young man without any short-term memory who pursues wrestling.

It's a joyously earnest sleeper and an improbably effective weeper. Yes, I teared up.


no wires, visual effects or stunt doubles

The Hurt Locker
director: Kathryn Bigelow (Point Break)
release date: tba

The theme of The Hurt Locker is "war is a drug." Jeremy Renner plays (superbly) a bomb disposer in Iraq who can't stay away from his risky, shitty job.

It's a competent film with a bang-up opening, but also a fairly inert one. Mefeels the character of Trombley in Generation Kill (also written by an embedded journo) conveys "war is a drug" more affectingly.

for reference:

Religious Lady Has Miscarriage and Keeps It
12-Year Old McDonald's Hamburger, Still Looking Good
The 2008 World Stoner Games

I'm no longer turned on by mules

One of these Killers is not like the others…

Brandon Flowers ditched his mustached Western look after Rivers Cuomo co-opted it.

Matching Amish beards — hardcore!

The effort is what counts, far left.

Second from left needs to work on his frowning.

Ground Control to David Cook…

"Make me as artificial as Archuleta!"

FreeCreditReport.com: Heeeeeeeeeeeere's MONEY!

Americans more interested in wizards and cupcakes than financial crisis

I'm a professional cynic but my heart's not in it

If you had to give up cheese or oral sex for life, which would you choose?

I can honestly say I'm shocked at these results. I can't believe that over two thirds of this site's readership would be willing to give up a lifetime of cheese just for oral sex. [source]

He should've only polled guidos.

A three-disc collector's edition of Forgetting Sarah Marshall is a bit excessive.

"[The $700 billion figure is] not based on any particular data point," a Treasury spokeswoman told Forbes.com Tuesday. "We just wanted to choose a really large number." [source]

related: Michael Douglas asked about Wall Street crisis

America, America, this is you.

Adam Robot kept bugging me for my opinion of Sons of Anarchy. I'd downloaded the first two episodes but procrastinated because bikers appeal to me about as much as vampires do, which is to say not at all.

Well, the show is better than I expected. It's The Sopranos with a biker gang.

Charlie Hunnam's accent fluctuates, however, and his facial hair is distracting, like the size of Leonardo DiCaprio's head. I prefer him as a soccer hooligan.

While discussing Anarchy with Robot, he dropped this bomb:

—i'm interested in the biker gang type deal


I'm-a dismiss it as a guilty pleasure.

"Laveranues Coles" would be a good spelling bee tie-breaker.

Lane Kiffin's firing is the new 756.

Matchstick Productions and Seattle Center are proud to present "CLAIM, The Greatest Ski Movie… EVER!"

I hate you, Seattle Center.

Man Sues Doctors For Amputating Penis
360 vs PS3 Boob Physics Comparison
Weenie Babies

Oh, Goddamnit

I don't understand why cannibalism is so taboo. Humans are no more sacred than pigs.

While I would never seek out human meat to eat, I wouldn't hesitate to eat it either. Preparing a body for consumption would require some acclimating though.

—if I just wanted to try human meat, I would rather it be prepared for me
—by someone who knows the best way to prepare it

Would I eat my parents?

If I absolutely had to, and they were already dead, and I wasn't cooking. I'm not sure I could fillet and de-skin my parents.

idea: A horror film about a chef who farms humans for use in his restaurant. In one scene, the chef shoves a tube down a young woman's esophagus and force-feeds her corn to fatten her liver.

I saw an ad in the Sunday paper for

lifelike vinyl baby dolls dressed as M&M's.

Only $29.99 each!

I couldn't find Cherry 7UP in the pop aisle at Safeway and worried that it'd been discontinued. Nope, my local Safeway just sucks.


The following paragraph appeared this week in a New York Post review by Adam Buckman of the season premiere of "Heroes."

This show, which was once so thrilling and fun, has become full of itself, its characters spouting crazy nonsense. Here's one I wish someone would translate for me: "There's a divinity that shapes our ends—rough hew them how we will," spouts the enigmatic industrialist Linderman played by Malcolm McDowell, who should win an Emmy for keeping a straight face while reciting these lines.

Perhaps McDowell kept a straight face because he knew he was quoting one of the most famous speeches in Hamlet. I don't expect everyone to have read Hamlet, but I would hope a New York critic might have run across it once or twice.

I think Adrian Pasdar could play Don Draper.

On Dancing with the Stars, Lance Bass and his partner quickstepped to "Close to Me."

I didn't expect J.D. Roth to last so long in television. Way to leverage Fun House.

NBC should replace American Gladiators with an update of College Mad House.

Apropos of nothing, remember the dating show Studs? Good times…

a nifty little piece of marketing
Bill O'Reilly Gets Hacked
New Poll: ZERO PERCENT say economy is getting better
BuyMyShitPile.com: Hey Washington, can you buy my bad investments too?

A Flock of Siegheils

I caught a telly ad that claimed foxsports.com is "the world's favourite sports site."

By that logic, Linux is the world's favourite operating system.

Later, a NutriSystem ad informed me that I could lock in my prices for the rest of 2008 because of America's failing economy.

I saw a banner ad on IMDb for an extended cut of the Sex and the City movie, which was 148 minutes long in theatres.

re: Heroes

I knew Marlo was playing a villain, but Bubbles too?

Claire attempts to take down her first target — Stephen Canfield (Andre Royo), a Level 5 escapee with the ability to create black holes. [source]

Human hadron collider!

How many black athletic precedents are left for Hollywood to dramatize?

The black athletic precedent genre… Heh.

Last week, I dreamt about scientists testing the effects of sensory deprivation on cats.

Last night, I dreamt that I saw a sign in a porta-potty that said black people could only use it between _____ and _____ and wished that I had my camera with me so I could photograph the sign to share on Adam Riff™.

I dreamt about blogging.


At Whole Foods today, I parked beside a car with a Bill O'Reilly "The Spin Stops Here" license plate frame. He actually sold one.

I wish I had my camera with me.

At [Sunday] night's Smackdown tapings in Columbus, OH, with the exception of Vickie Guerrero, nobody was booed more than John McCain. Barack Obama got more cheers than HHH (but not Undertaker or Jeff Hardy). [source]

Ohio has predicted the outcome of nearly every presidential election.

Imagine if McCain picked The Undertaker to be his veep. Alas…

song title ideas:
"no sex after marriage"
"if h=18 and c=37, then hxc=666"
"columbus 'n' arbor day (fight song)"

How can anyone live like this?
The Christian Twitter Is Here
lightsaber chopsticks

Critical Mess


Synecdoche, New York
writer and director: Charlie Kaufman (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)
release date: October 24

You will need to see Synecdoche, New York again (and possibly multiple times) to process it all. If you're like me, however, you will not care to see it again, and I say that as an early adopter of Charlie Kaufman's work.

Synecdoche is Kaufman's Schizopolis, his Godardian folly — admirable and sporadically droll, but fairly unpleasant to sit through.

Ambition does not justify inscrutability.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno
writer and director: Kevin Smith (Clerks)
release date: October 31

Is Zack and Miri Make a Porno entertaining? Yes. Should it be a film? Eh…

Like the rest of Kevin Smith's post-millennial cinematic output, Zack and Miri plays like a glorified sitcom. I wonder why Smith doesn't just produce a comedy series for HBO or Showtime.

The Brothers Bloom
writer and director: Rian Johnson (Brick)
release date: December 19

Rian Johnson does Wes Anderson (The Royal Tenenbaums).

If The Brothers Bloom was a baseball team, it'd score heavily early on (opening with a home run), blow its lead, and escape with a win thanks to its closer.

Roughly half of Americans now live, essentially, in public housing.
The Renewed Mind Is the Key

Sha Sha

The Pac-10 is terrible. Like, worse than the ACC. If USC wasn't part of the conference, it'd be the NFC West of college football. At it stands, it's last season's AFC East.

Pac-10 basketball ain't looking so hot either.

During the ECU vs. NC State game, I saw a Wolfpacker wearing a shirt that read: "Go to hell, ECU."

Earlier this year, I saw Duke mascot's wearing a headband that read: "Go to hell, UNC."

I wonder how much clothing in North Carolina has "go to hell" printed on it.

During the ECU vs. NC State game, I also saw a sign that read:


You can't pause a streak, genius.

I'd post screenshots if I owned a DVR.

Why does the Mountain West merit its own network?

Vanderbilt and Northwestern are undefeated.

Last week, I tore off two chunks of my right hand while assembling shelves. Brushing your teeth with your recessive hand is surprisingly difficult.

Friday Night Light

Danny is now Degrassi's starting quarterback?

7 is Matt Saracen's number. 6 was Jason Street's.

Shenae Grimes will appear simultaneously on 90210 and Degrassi this fall. The two shows should cross when Paige and Manny visit Los Angeles.

90210 producer Sean Reycraft edited stories for Degrassi and co-produced The Best Years. Explains everything.

DC police officers watch Family Guy via Hulu.com on their squad car's computer

Wild Card

Over the summer, the Seattle Center began spamming my inbox with event notices, even though I've never lived in Seattle.

I have, however, lived in three of America's five most stressful cities.

I've tried to unsubscribe repeatedly.

system overload!

Project Runway Philippines is amazing…ly gay. The mentor is literally a Filipino Tim Gunn.


The remaining designers were tasked to create resort wear using the color palette of Nesvita Cereal Milk Drink.

Adam Riff™ favourite Wu Jing co-directed his latest flick, Legendary Assassin.

The executive producer's name is Paco Wong.

For Spanish 3 class, I chose the pseudonym Hugo (inspired by Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame), forgetting that in Spanish, Hs are silent.

Instead of "hue-go," which sounds classy, I was referred to as "oo-go," and sometimes "oogo de naranja."

Ice T's wife launches magazine filled entirely with shots of herself
Twitter is Penis

The Spiraling Shape

I awoke this morning to a news teaser on the radio.

"The House approves off-shore drilling…"

I hit the 'sleep' button and buried my head in my pillow, pondering Earth's finite supply of oil, freshwater and rare earth metals.

We are living in the twilight of our planet. The quality of life will only deteriorate, and I'm thankful I was born was when I was. I silently pity my nephews and nieces.

Childbirth in our age is incredibly selfish and myopic. I could never in good conscience involuntarily subject someone to the future. "Who cares if all seafood will run out by 2048? I want a family!"

True philanthropists abort.

On the season finale of The Secret Life of the American Teenager (directed by Jason Priestley):

When Dumb Met Stupid
Florida: Where Stupid Goes to Live Out Its Golden Years
10 Fantastic Fest Films Streaming Free
"This documentary takes you deep into the worlds and obsessions of two men who have been separately stalking 80s pop icon Tiffany for nearly 20 years."

i am a new man, i have a beard of shame

Mark Burnett is working with MTV on Bully Breakdown, a series that will send bullies into the ring with mixed martial arts fighters fighters.

"We interview the victims and see how they've been abused. Then the bullies get the chance to step in the ring with a real MMA athlete. And the victims are there to watch it all." [source]

What bully would agree to participate?

Each episode of The Biggest Loser: Families is two hours long. Irony?

Soulja Boy Provides His Thoughts On Braid

PixelJunk Tdot

I saw the marquee and thought: "Black people skull fucking Young Indiana Jones"!

More photos, some with notes:

I wanted to photograph a group of police just chillin' outside a Starbucks and a male, ponytailed fatty wearing a HIM trenchcoat, but my camera's protruding lens was too conspicuous.

I initially mistook Ashton for Dexter.

"Dexter's hawking cameras now?"