Into the void

It will be so weird to lose consciousness forever.

My life is not fulfilling enough for me to fear death, but I worry about dying suddenly.

I'd like to be able to tie up loose ends before I die. For example: Adam Riff™. If I died suddenly, no one would know. You'd just assume that I was neglecting the site.

A bucket list is an odd concept.

A list of things to do before you die…

Or else what? Your corpse will regret not doing them?

It should be a list of things to do before you turn 40, things that you'll have time to reflect on before dying (unless you die suddenly at age 40).

In our construct of society, however, most people cannot afford to live with reckless abandon in their prime.

So it goes.

Dexter magazine cover parodies
Brett Ratner: "I would love to do a 'Guitar Hero' movie"
The directors of Crank 2: High Voltage shot over 279 hours of footage, which is more footage than James Cameron shot for Titanic

Synopsis For Gaspar Noe's Enter the Void
"shot from start to finish from the subjective point of view of its leading character"

Whopper Jr.

Michael Phelps will host the season premiere of Saturday Night Live with musical guest Lil' Wayne.

» Phelps will play himself in half the sketches.
» Phelps will dress in drag.
» Fred Armisen will play Usain Bolt.

Sketch idea: "Be Kind Record." Phelps' iPod crashes before a meet, forcing him to record his own versions of warm-up songs. Weezy cameos.

Sketch idea: Phelps mixes his iPod up with, say, John Tesh's, and must warm up to selections from Tesh's music library.

Sketch idea: Zombie Phelps. Play on Phelps' notorious diet.

Sketch idea: Phelps leaves Egypt with the Hebrews in the Exodus. Phelps abandons the procession at the Red Sea as Pharaoh nears.

"Screw this…"

Jason Lezak pursues him, catches up to him?

Later, an exasperated Moses chastises Phelps for hogging rations of manna and quail.

"But I need energy for swimming!"
"We're in the fuckin' desert!"

Sketch idea: Alive 2. An airplane carrying a team of swimmers from Beijing crash-lands in the wintry desolation of the Eastern Siberia.

"I'm sorry, Dara."

Researchers now believe that not getting enough sleep is a top cause of obesity. At the same time, the World Health Organization (WHO) is considering labeling chronic sleep deprivation a carcinogen, comparable to tobacco and asbestos. [source]

In response to complaints about how you can't jump in Bionic Commando Rearmed, I ask: When was the last time you jumped when not exercising or sporting?

Jumping is unnatural, even for soldiers. More video games should disallow jumping.

Sketch idea: The real Super Mario Bros. 1-1. Fat plumber has to catch his breath after like five jumps.

"Can't I punch enemies? I mean, I can punch blocks!"
"Eh…I don't need those coins."

Game Boy De-Makes
Graphic Evidence Against Steroid Abuse

The 18 contestants competing this fall on Survivor: Gabon include the current international champion of Super Smash Brothers Melee.

Rumoured itinerary for The Amazing Race 13:
1. Los Angeles, CA
2. São Paolo, Brazil
3. Salvador, Brazil
4. Fortaleza, Brazil
5. La Paz, Bolivia
6. Auckland, New Zealand
7. Siem Reap, Cambodia
8. Delhi, India
9. Almaty, Kazakhstan
10. Moscow, Russia
11. Portland, OR

Prediction: Season 14 will skip South America.

Is Moscow in Europe or Asia? Russia is like a gigantic Niagara Falls or Lake Tahoe.

I never realized how large Cuba is.

On February 28, ESPN's College Gameday (Basketball) visits…Haas Pavilion?

If you've ever attended a listening party, please don't visit this web site again.

"The Day That Never Comes"? More like "The Song That Never Ends"!
…and for some reason happens to be in heavy rotation on radio.

How good was Bush's Sixteen Stone? "Machinehead" was the FIFTH single.

Guitar Praise: Christian rock Guitar Hero

This week on The Secret Life of the American Teenager:

—man, tony fader is a weird dude, who while being one of the strangest human beings i've ever met, somehow always seems to know when i was talking about something recently.
—that's because he's a silent guardian, a watchful protector


A terrorist gathers a scientist, seminary student, pro baseball player, professor, casino owner, painter, and a pizza delivery guy together to attempt to solve the world's problems in one night. Seven geniuses with IQs over 200 are taken from their lives on Christmas Eve and are put through the greatest test of their lives. If they fail, the world will come to an end. [source]

Wait… A terrorist gathers geniuses together to solve the world's problems?

"What say you, pizza delivery guy with an IQ over 200?"

Joe Scarborough vs. David Shuster
Joe Scarborough vs. Keith Olbermann
He's having the best week ever!


"list of duties" — heh

When asked by Jay Leno Monday evening how many houses he owns, John McCain responded in a serious tone, "I spent 5½ years in a prison cell; I didn't have a house." [source]

Generation Kill:

» I'm already suffering withdrawal.

» "Serpentine!"

Stellan Skarsgård's son is a heck of an actor. Pity he's locked into that stupid Alan Ball/vampire show. [source]

» The home movie in the finale was a mixture of footage shot by the production and stuff shot by the actual First Recon Marines during the invasion.

» The experience changed Ziggy's life.


Phillip now consumes up to four pints of peppermint schnapps a day. He lost his career, the love of his life, and the respect of his family. [source]

This show never ceases to amaze.

Mad Men:

» Bill Murray's little brother emerging from his office to play "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik" with the zipper on his pants? Brilliant.

» Don Draper's high school girlfriend was Nina Myers!

Hamm filled in as the host of Talk Soup when Joe Buck bailed, panicking that the snark-filled script would interfere with his sportcasting gravitas.

Hamm is also somehow friends with the members of the band Rilo Kiley.

WWF Resort and Casino

Vegas dream projects that were never built
Moon is my favourite.

The rapidly melting ice in the Alaskan Arctic is opening up new routes for cruise ships
Massive Keg Damage Causes College Town to Install Rubber Sidewalk
Scotland declares war on urban seagulls

An epic and brutal history of epically brutal epic brutality

Apparently, San Diego and Tijuana discussed a joint bid for the 2016 Summer Olympics.

Head asplode.

Beijing Olympics viewed by more Americans than any event in U.S. television history (211 million)
Beijing Olympics attract nearly all (96%) of China's 1.3 billion people to their televisions

Okay, enough Olympics. Let's talk baseball.


I haven't watched a single baseball game all year. Probably won't until October.

No, let's talk football, and which one of my teams will torment me more this season: the Bruins or the Bears?

The Bruins must rely on a third-string transfer quarterback with a freshman back-up. The Bears, meanwhile, continue to support Neckbeard and Rex Cannon.

Oy vey.

Both teams open their seasons in primetime against a ranked SEC team and the Colts, respectively.

"You are a horrible human being."
"He definitely has no friends…"

Or he could be from Connecticut?

Go easy on him. He's had a rough year.

Now this little shit is a horrible human being!

I hope a terrible tragedy befalls him before puberty. 9 years old, 6 parades, but…..he has to sit down to pee for the rest of his life!

Crosing Time

The Americans paraded 12 strong into the interview room, sliding behind the long table that served as a podium, not realizing the microphones were picking up what they were saying.

"You may not want to sit next to me, I smell like shit," Coach K said as he seated James to his right and Bryant to his left. [source]

There is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in "Spain." A slanty one.

Now back to coaching white guys. [sigh]


In Beijing, six countries won their first-ever Olympic medals: Afghanistan, Bahrain, Mauritius, Sudan, Tajikistan and Togo. Mongolia won its first-ever gold medal, India its first-ever individual gold.

We could see even more parity in 2012!

36 facts about the Olympic medal count
Afghan medalist wins a house, cheers from country
Michael Phelps was the focus of more than one out of every four journo stories

Poor Richard Thompson spent four years training to finish second behind Usain Bolt in all his events.

The government closed down factories for many miles, to clear up the air. So people missed six or eight weeks of work? It was for the good of the country. [source]

I heard that after the Paralympics, factories will operate twenty-four-seven to re-coup lost production.

One rehearsal for the opening ceremonies lasted more than 50 hours.
The Olympics' Water Cube will be transformed into a water theme park with a beach, slides and wave machine.

Uhhh…photographer? HE'S 14!

Diving analyst Cynthia Potter had some outstanding foot-in-microphone moments, like when she said the divers showered after each dive because, "It's fun." And then this gem in an exchange:

Robinson, commenting about the imposing look of a Russian diver who had shaved his head: "I feel like I've seen this guy in a James Bond movie."

Potter: "I think I've seen him in some other kinds of movies."

Robinson, stunned into awkward silence: " … "

Potter, as replay of the Russian's dive rolls: "Those other movies were about violence, not anything else." [source]

A search for who designed the graphics for the universal feed of the Beijing games led to:

I never found who I was looking for, but whoever you are, please use less hideous fonts for Vancouver's graphics.

One day you're in, and the next day you're Canada.

For Every Winner on the Podium, the Losers Are Legion
A gold medal in the epilepsy event
Diego Maradona at the Olympics

At the Bird's Nest on Saturday night, long after all the action was done and dusted and the crowds gone home, stadium officials were amusing themselves by running down the home straight and posing for photos on the finish line.

I can't do that, I thought, as I watched them strike Usain archer poses on the podium. I work for the BBC. Standards of decorum must be maintained.

In retrospect, I was an idiot. [source]

Stay Frosty


—i think i may be slightly bi-polar
—you think?
—you're the only guy I know with mood swings

My boss asked me to collect some debts for him.

Beats filing, I suppose.

At lunch today, I saw an Indian guy discard unfinished sandwich bread.

I cringe when people waste bread. Bread is delicious! The crust is the best part of a pizza!

"But carbs…"

[groan] Shut up! You too, "but high fructose corn syrup…" contingent! It's possible to consume both and still see your wiener.

Given a choice between a baguette and a three-star steakhouse, I'd choose the baguette in a heartbeat.

initial reaction: Goddammit, Sonic!
then: Oh. "Contains no fried ice cream." Lame!

Lately, after zipping up my fly after peeing, I frequently feel a bit of urine trickle down my left thigh.


I was going to see an advance screening last night of House Bunny, but I couldn't go.

as I'm in the bus heading home, I get a phone call from Kiko, my date to the movie.

kiko: "hey, I'm at the movie, in line at the concession stands. guess who is standing next to me? shawn michaels."

"And then…I'm gonna see The House Bunny!"
^ inside wrestling

Idea: At the Movies with Bela Karolyi and the Iron Sheik.

The sports director for the Icelandic National Broadcasting Service told me that the handball team's preliminary game against Denmark drew nearly 60 percent of the country's 100,000 televisions, and that the game attracted a share of about 100.

Meaning every TV set that was turned on in the country was tuned to handball. [source]

Soulja Boy Presents…. Rich Nigga Shit Part 1
the limited edition Obama Run DC shirt
The presumptive nominee of the Democrats is…rocking a Blackberry 8700? With the PLASTIC case?
Is "Saved by the Bell" the only show where the nerd was actually best friends with the cool kids?

Pastichio Medley


Sexological bodyworkers?

I bet Kramer's doctorate is in humanities.

Jackass 3 idea: Fire-cupping scrotums.

Usain Bolt: "You want the truth, right? All right. I got up at 12, yah, 12. My masseuse brought me nuggets, of course. I'm serious, though, he brought me nuggets. I didn't really want to go to the cafeteria so he brought me nuggets. And I came straight to the track, and my masseuse again brought me more nuggets. I just had two, though, because my coach was saying I shouldn't eat so much nuggets before the race." [source]

His masseuse brings him nuggets.

Runner Dwain Chambers mistaken by Chinese paper for world record holder Usain Bolt
All Black Men Look Alike in Chinese Stereotype Reversal

Swimmer Steve Parry mistaken by Chinese for world record holder Michael Phelps
All White Men Look Alike in Chinese Stereotype Reversal

No White Person Has Ever Broken 10 Seconds in the 100 Meters
"We can't even outrun Asians. /McCained"

Through the first 11 days of the games, viewing by boys 2-11 is up 12% from the first 11 days of the 2004 Athens games. [source]

When reached for comment, boys 2-11 remarked: "Mommy Charmander faggot!"

For BMX Racers, Olympic Debut Is a Surreal Experience
Ty used to race some of the American riders.

—if you skip ahead 30 seconds to where the action starts… its pretty tough to stop watching

This week on The Secret Life of the American Teenager:

10 Thoughts Going Through Snow's Head On The "Informer" Video Shoot
Man Walks 12 Miles for Free Cheeseburger
covers pre-shaped in a hiding position

Who would ever want to be king?

Due to a change in ticket policies, I may have to buy premium tickets for a TIFF screening or two. Premium tickets cost $35 USD each.

Would you pay $35 to see Kevin Smith's Zack and Miri Make a Porno?

pro: Seth Rogen
con: sans Judd Apatow

pro: two months in advance
con: only two months in advance

pro: Kevin Smith Q&A
con: Clerks II, Jersey Girl, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

The most I've ever paid to see a movie was $21 for The Wackness.


I awoke the next morning to the sounds of fireworks and an argument between two groups of campers over whether or not Canada is stupid.

He'd also been witness to two of the Gathering's finest open-mic sessions, the first a band called the Jumping Ninjas whose deaf frontman rapped in sign language while dressed in full ninja gear. The second was a rapper from New Jersey named Daville, who after declaring his set the opening of "Krunk Fest," proceeded to chuck full cans of beer point-blank into the audience, then ran through the crowd stealing people's joints, returned to the stage smoking four joints at once, cried, barfed, then descended into the crowd one more time to brain people with a plastic folding chair.

Bone Thugs-n-Harmony, whose E 1999 Eternal sold 10 million copies, were reduced to performing for Juggalos last year at a biker camp in Nowhere, Illinois.

Bizarre (D12) performed at this year's Gathering of the Juggalos. What a Judas. JUDAS! Bros before 'los, man!

List of problems solved by MacGyver
John McCain's ten worst jokes
Against Me! Rock-afire

Copypasta du Jour

Earlier today, while talking to a client about her policy, I accidentally said "I'm pro rape" instead of "I'll pro-rate your account". She tried to ignore the slip up, unfortunately I complicated matters by gagging her with my necktie and repeatedly raping her. Sometimes I think I must not care about Geico shareholder value at all. [source]

What we do in life echoes in eternity

Look what I found!

I think it holds up. I'd replace the French, Taiwanese and Sri Lankan songs, however, on a "special edition."

I cleaned up the tags and re-uploaded it for download.

view track listing

I intended on compiling a sequel of international punk rock to share during the Beijing Olympics, but it'll have to wait until 2010.

African punk — tips?

ESPN is interested in acquiring the television rights to the 2014 and 2016 Olympics and would carry more of them live, regardless of the time zone. [source]

ESPN would murder the Olympics, but I hope it wins the bidding just so I can see Stuart Scott and Stephen A. Smith in Russia.

There was a building where the Dutch were partying and singing their native songs and dancing to their favorite music. At that time, they were celebrating their medal winners on stage. And guess who was on the stage as the MC? Dave Chappelle. [source]

Dave Chappelle's Clog Party.

Chris Tucker is also in China. That's two reclusive black men. Paging Sly Stone!



aRAH would be infinitely more endearing if he adopted Tony Montana's accent.

Nastia feels left out.

Chocolate Impulse

Lately, I've fallen asleep pondering the mystery of the universe.

If the universe expanded from a primeval atom or initial condition, what created the atom or condition?

If God created the universe, what created God? What's his story?

What created what created the universe? And what created what created what created the universe?

At some point, something must have come from nothing, which is impossible!

The universe is maddening. I feel like Cate Blanchett's character in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I want to know! I need to know!

some videos cannot be unseen (not safe for humanity)

Kiss the way we were goodbye

I hate how swimming and track split weeks. Swimming >>>>>>>> track. The two should alternate days over the fortnight.

With Phelps' quest for gold over, NBC worries ratings will drop

Two words: Olympic Plinko.

Medals replace chips. Double money for silvers, triple money for golds.

Phelps could win up to $240,000.

Replace the $0 slots with "free small fries at McDonald's." Every medalist's a winner.

Only Michael Phelps is capable of adapting Watchmen to the screen in a form pleasing to Alan Moore. [source]

Will Phelps be a Gillette champion? He's a logical endorser.

Okay, no more Phelps.

I was watching some of the Olympics on television with some of my friends when they asked me if I knew that Mexico wasn't sending a team. I said that I didn't know that. "Yes everyone who can run, jump or swim is in the United States." [source]


In the booth before the men's 100m dash, Tom Hammond looked like Ursula.

Wendell Pierce ("The Wire") was woofing it up after every emphatic slam dunk by the Americans. [source]

1. Wendell Pierce is at the Olympics?
2. Bunk like teh dunks.

hat tip: It's the Olympics!! On NBC!!!

the visiting media's obsessions with scorpions on sticks
Chinatown in China
The Olympics with MST3k

The waiting room will see you now

Maury Povich Tortures Woman With Painful Cotton Ball Phobia

» I pray the cause of my death is not a car bomb. What a shitty way to die, and a cheap way to kill someone.

» I just noticed the spacecraft in the upper left corner of Texas license plates.

David Zucker (Airplane!, Scary Movie 4) has put together An American Carol, a "pro-soldier, support our troops, pro-America" comedy.

In it, filmmaker Michael Malone and his organization are trying to repeal the Fourth of July when three angels — the Angel of Death, George S. Patton, and George Washington — come to him and convince him to change his ways.

How timely!


Jonathan Swift it ain't.

A rotund comedian named Rosie O'Connell makes an appearance on The O'Reilly Factor to promote her documentary, The Truth About Radical Christians. O'Reilly shows a clip, which opens with a pair of priests walking through an airport—as seen from pre-hijacking surveillance video—before boarding the airplane. Once onboard, they storm the cockpit using crucifixes as their weapon of choice. Next the documentary looks at the growing phenomenon of nuns as suicide bombers, seeking 72 virgins in heaven. A dramatization shows two nuns, strapped with explosives, board a bus to the cries of the other passengers. "Oh, no! Not the Christians!" O'Connell's work ends with a warning about new threats and the particular menace of the "Episcopal suppository bomber." [source]

Washington takes Malone to St. Paul's Cathedral to lecture him on freedom of religion and "freedom of speech, which you abuse." Malone is grossed out by dust in the priest's box, so the doors open onto the smoldering ruins of the World Trade Center. "This is the dust of 3000 innocent human beings!" bellows Washington. Malone whimpers that he's just making movies. Washington won't have it. "Is that what you plan to say on Judgment Day?" [source]

Surely self-respecting conservatives would rather see Eagle Eye or Choke on October 3.

It opens against Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

» I can't picture a scenario in which I'd need to shower on an airplane. I've never spent $14,000 on a plane ticket though.

» The giant inflatable dog turd would pair well with Coco the Colossal Colon.

He once demanded a horse be delivered to his room, and on another occasion ordered up a herd of sheep. Upon their arrival (yes, the hotel was that accommodating), Dalí shot at the little lambs with a gun containing blanks.

Mariah wants two DVD players in her suite—which, of course, should be set to play nothing other than her own music videos.

During his stay at London's Jumeirah Hotel, Michael Jackson requested bowls full of Haribo gummy candies, a large mirror, and a giant xylophone.

World's Worst Hotel Guests

» Pitchfork reviewed Dan's band. "His best Jeff Buckley is graceless and unconvincing." BURN!

» If you've ever tried to amuse someone with the phrase "electric boogaloo," please stop visiting this web site.

Seth Rogen on Pineapple Express BD extras:

We filmed a lot of different actors we know just going and buying weed from Saul. Justin Long, Martin Starr, Judd Apatow, Bill Hader.

We [also] got a lot of actors we know to come in and be weed test subjects in the 50s. [source]

Do they know John Cho or Kal Penn?

Michael Cera night-lite
You Found my Money!
oh holy fuck. someone did it.

Never go full retard

Last week, Warner Bros. announced that it was delaying the release date of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince from November 21 to July 17, 2009.

Potter fans react:


It really sucks now that this is the second movie I was looking forward to coming out this winter and now we have nothing to look forward to.

the petition has over 4000 people supporting it!!!! they can not ignore that.

I'm gonna go over to warners brothers studio and use avada kedavra on all of those fuckers.

Maybe you're the retards we all should be picketing this weekend instead of Tropic Thunder.

Can we fans FILE A CLASS ACTION SUIT OF SOME SORT against WB to force them to release the movie on 11/21/2008 as they promised?

This is the kinda crap that gives capitalism a bad name, Alan Horn. Hope you're happy when we end up w/socialized film industry.

I CANNOT believe that I will be in my early 40s when this series finally ends.

the execs will be crying home to their mothers when the movie FLOPS!!!

Pushing back HPHBP is really unfair to the younger fans who don't quite understand the greed of large companies.

ive been saving money for the movie! my god! thats not fair!

when it comes out next Summer I will just pirate the movie instead of spending my kids college fund on a ticket

Radcliffe should have some say in this. After all, he is HARRY!!!

to do this to a CHILDS, story is obscene.

writer strike…YEAH RIGHT! IF WB NEEDED a script that badly, they could just use the book!

This is BULL-CRAP…writers block my butt!! Use the book if you need a script!!

WTF? What about the fans who WAITED!?

I can't even say how dissappointed (and MAD) I am. I even cried.

I want to watch The Dark Knight again but I'm just going to think of how cruel WB is.

Postponing movies into the tax year that may have Obama stamped on it is insanity as they will most likely be in a higher corporate tax rate environment. Warner may net less as a result of this move and they deserve less

HP takes place in England, where the weather's dreary, so Fall weather enhances the whole experience.

I will NOT be seeing ANY Warner Brothers movies until 7/17/09.


None of the above?