Nothing Gold Can Stay

The dance floor at a hipster party looks like it should be surrounded by quotation marks. While punk, disco and hip hop all had immersive, intimate and energetic dance styles that liberated the dancer from his/her mental states – be it the head-spinning b-boy or violent thrashings of a live punk show – the hipster has more of a joke dance. A faux shrug shuffle that mocks the very idea of dancing or, at its best, illustrates a non-committal fear of expression typified in a weird twitch/ironic twist. The dancers are too self-aware to let themselves feel any form of liberation; they shuffle along, shrugging themselves into oblivion.

Hipster: The Dead End of Western Civilization
Rating The Anagrams of Recent Bands/Albums That Have Been Reviewed At
a pilot for a "celebreality" series following wrestler Kurt Angle
Ludacris releases song titled "Politics: Obama Is Here"

Put me in office, make me your Vice President
Hillary hated on you, so that bitch is irrelevant

Paint the White House black and I'm sure that's got 'em terrified
McCain don't belong in any chair unless he's paralyzed

Obama issued a response today, stating: "Get out my business, my bizNASSS! Stay the fuck up out my bizNASSS!"

I stumbled upon the MySpace page for the band Sky Eats Airplane.

The quintuplet looks like actual quintuplets.

So I was driving behind a minivan today that had those stick figure family decals on the back window.

Can you imagine a polygamist's car? That is a lot of stickers. [source]

What happens when parents divorce? Stick daddy re-locates to the opposite end of the window. With the stick dog.

Crazy cat lady's stick family.

Dwarf parents of normal-sized children, ascending slope.

Susan Smith's boys:
"Mommy, how much longer to the lake?"
"10 minutes."
"Hey, what happened to our stickers?"

How about Calvin peeing on a stick figure family?

I almost wrecked my car today because my head was elsewhere.

Where, you ask?

Odd that Australia is the fattest country in the world, because all I ever hear is how athletic Australia is. They love sports! They're so active! Thorpedo!

New Zealand is like Australia's Ireland.

Who would win in fight: New Zealand or Ireland? Maori warriors, drunk belligerent Irish.

Taiwan should fight Madagascar on the undercaOH SHIT!

When my car doesn't drive smoothly on the freeway, I begin to panic that it has a flat tire.

"Is this what driving with a flat tire feels like? Please don't be a flat tire. I don't carry a phone with me and can't locate the parking brake, let alone change a tire!"

Similarly, when my stomach doesn't feel right, I begin to panic that my appendix will soon burst.

"The pain is in the area…"

I'm tempted to have my appendix removed just so I can rule out appendicitis as a possibility.

And I said to myself, this is the business you've chosen.

My cousin Betsy and I:

—Hey, I heard you have a blog.
—Who told you that?
—A little bird.
—Ah. Well, I wouldn't call it a "blog" per se. It's more of a… It's…

I created a web site the summer after high school because I desired a forum wherein I could fuck around with impunity. I wanted to be able to crack boner jokes and call chicks "cunts" without teachers complaining to the administration about how I'm "vile" and "obscene."

That Jon planned on writing for the Daily Bruin, but the tumultuous end to his stint as an amateur columnist soured organizational journalism for him.

Eight years later, this Jon sometimes regrets that Jon's lack of foresight.

I've invested an absurd amount of time nurturing this site, and for what? I can't show Adam Riff™ to employers. Adam Riff™ offers no opportunities for advancement.

It's just a puerile, anarchic sandbox. But it's what I desired — a blessing and a curse.

—Can I see your blog? Or whatever you call it?
—Why not?
—You wouldn't like it.


—You know, I have a blog.
—I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
—Heh. Pass.

My parents would probably react to Adam Riff™ by shaking their heads and shrugging.

Nevertheless, I'm hesitant to mix my public life with my personal one. My family and relatives don't need to see what the rest of the world can. Discussing Adam Riffage face to face with friends is awkward enough.

I am Hitler's child. He's a major part of my identity, but I avoid acknowledging him to people I know.

Crisis Perverted

Mutual of Omaha!

The montage at the end of this week's episode of Weeds begins with Silas performing cunnilingus on his neighbor's mother and ends with Shane masturbating to naked pictures of his own mother.

fast forward to 4:10

Costumed Batman fan accused of memorabilia theft at Michigan theater
"he had to pose for booking photos in and out of character"

parenthetically speaking
Patton Oswalt's graduation speech
L.A. quake catches Twitter user in ladyparts exam
What Would Don Draper Do?

Meditations in an Emergency

The companion shirt reads: "I heart Tim Allen." (obscure reference!)

I wonder if he bought the shirt or designed it himself. Either way…

Apparently [Tony] Jaa walked off the set [of Ong Bak 2] two months ago, stressed over the work load of his directorial debut.

Some reports say that Jaa has retreated to some remote caves in northern Thailand to meditate and / or practice black magic.

Another report from Thailand's biggest daily paper says that they had a reporter meet with Jaa at a 'safe house' where he [claimed] Sahamongkol Films only ever provided him with half of the budgeted production funds, leaving him to make up the shortfall out of his own pocket and claiming that he is now personally bankrupt as a result – unable to pay his mortgage and with his electricity disconnected. [source]

Someone document this shit with cameras! It's like a Thai Hearts of Darkness!

Better drugs: British Columbia or Colombia?

*ding* "We're beginning our descent…"


30 minutes later:

*ding* "We're beginning our final descent…"

Okay, next time just inform me when I need my seat upright and tray table locked. Fuckin' teases…

My favourite seat on a plane is the left window seat in the second-to-last row. It used to be the left window seat in the last row until I concluded that I couldn't recline comfortably.

Yes, I'm a tailie.

I prefer to sit in the backs of planes because I feel like if a plane crashes, the people in the front die first and I could maybe survive.

I also wear socks with sandals.

Has anyone ever re-considered sitting beside an emergency exit door?

"I'm not sure I can open this. [to the cabin] Hey, does anyone want extra leg room?"

T-Pain should cover "Blue" by Eiffel 65.

On December 2, 2000, the Smashing Pumpkins played a farewell concert at the Metro, the same Chicago club where their career effectively began 12 years earlier. The four-hour-long show featured 35 songs spanning the group's career, and attendees received a recording of the band's first concert at the Metro — Live at Cabaret Metro 10-5-88.

This fall, the Pumpkins will celebrate their 20th anniversary with a handful of shows that will focus on the band's history, legacy and accomplishments over their career.

Their planned Gish tour, coinciding with a re-issue of their debut album, has been pushed back to 2009.

"Come celebrate our career!"
"Come celebrate our 20th anniversary!"
"Come celebrate our debut album!"

The Smashing Pumpkins are rock Disneyland.

WWE has hired Freddie Prinze, Jr. as a member of its creative team. [source]

I know what you did when Hollywood stopped calling!

DID YOU KNOW? We have no clue what the fuck we're doing. (inside joke!)

Randy Orton was nominated for Best Baddie in the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards in the U.K. Orton was nominated with The Dalks, Plankton in SpongeBob and Simon Cowell [source]

Orton is, of course, most famous for unscriptedly pooping in a WWE diva's gym bag.

Red Mango offers watermelon as a topping. For frozen yogurt.

Whole Foods should hold a contest where the winner can go on an eating spree in his or her local Market's hot food section. Every time I visit, I just want to try everything.

Almond Joy Is In Denial About Its Almond Usage (the comments amused me)
Twitter Cookies

Observe Everything, Admire Nothing

/ our coverage of The Fortnight of Geekery (E3 + The Dark Knight + Comic-Con)

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Comic-Con news:

» an episode will largely take place on July 3, 1776

» In "Mac & Dennis: Manhunters," Mac and Dennis decide to hunt Cricket. Meanwhile, Charlie and Sweet Dee come to believe that they have a hunger for human flesh.

» "Manhunters" features Rambo references, tea-bagging, something called a Gorilla Mask and a debate about whether or not it's racist to not want to eat an African-American corpse.

A reference to a gorilla mask or an actual gorilla mask? Because… Gosh…

Tagline idea: "It's goes there."

Fanboys receive a lot of shit, but if I was a movie director or television producer, I'd totally court them over fickle hipsters and casual viewers.

Fanboys will see your movies on opening weekend and mount campaigns to save your television shows. They'll buy your merchandise and discuss your work obsessively. Even if they hate you, they hate you passionately.

On Carla Gugino's IMDb page:

She looks like Diane Sawyer and Sally Field, but she's sexy? Mixed signals, peeps.

The thread on her cup size is three pages long.

Kal Penn:

If I hadn't gotten the role of Kumar, Dr. Sanjay Gupta and Fareed Zakaria would have had to fight it out between themselves.

John Cho on Harold and Kumar 3:

We'd like to do a Muppet Babies version, small pot-smoking version of us. It'd be cute.

related: Can't Wait

The three stages of hype:

1. Denial
Something good is popular? Bullshit. Nothing good can ever be popular.

2. Anger
Kayfabe and I, July 14:
—I'm really hoping Batman sucks
—to spite people
—I love batman
—more than any other man
—but the movie's not even out yet
—stop talking about how good it is and how heath is going to get an oscar
—its the same reasoning for why I want obama to lose

God forbid people's excitement be rewarded. They mustn't be satisfied.

3. Annihilation
Many reviews of The Dark Knight I've read focus on the film's flaws, seemingly to temper the hype.

We complain about all the shitty movies Hollywood produces, and when a decent one emerges, our first instinct is to tear it down.

What sadists and masochists we are.

Kim Bauer to return to 24?
Meet the Fucking Machines (NSFW)
Nude Dining NYC
Gay pride and Confederate flags. Oh, Alberta.
O'Hare at Rush Hour
And Thus, The Internet Was Born

Manual Hydraulic Relief

Anton Yelchin on playing young Kyle Reese in Terminator Salvation:

Michael Biehn in Terminator 1 is fucking awesome, so the whole thing is to see how he became so awesome so that Linda Hamilton would sleep with him. [source]

—when batman first gets his batpod
—he's driving around
—and there is a scene that feels out of place where goes up a ramp, shoots some windows, then it cuts weird, then goes back to windows exploding
—i jsut dont know if its bad editing or im not seeing something
—a director like him should see this ugly edit a mile away
—he shoots, then hes going up a ramp with no windows, then all of a sudden windows explode
—take a look when you have a chance. it just bothers me.

Looks like he shoots two windows — one before the ramp and one after. You just don't see him drive through the first window.

Not What You Expect To Hear in a "Watchmen" Panel at Comic-Con: Breathless fan to Carla Gugino, "You were the bomb in Son-in-Law!" [source]

I just learned that Benicio Del Toro was originally cast as Darth Maul in The Phantom Menace. Head asplode!

"If you cross this line… you better be ready to kill me."

Don't Talk to Darth Vader Before He's Had His Coffee
Death Star melon
COMIC-CON 2008: Best Fan Costume [pause]

Ed Little is a lemon lover

Evidently, The Onion produces spam now too.

We need a weekly spam dump on Adam Riff™ — "Eternal Spamnation."

related: C.C. Sabathia, Prince Fielder Keep Imagining Each Other As Giant Talking Hot Dog, Hamburger

I'm ambivalent about frosting shots.

mmm… butter and sugar

Frosting is tasty, but I don't think I'd want it without cake to balance the sweetness.

Frosting needs cake like dressing needs salad.

Salad dressing isn't frosting, though.

Well, I probably wouldn't down a shot of chocolate syrup or butterscotch sauce either.

Perhaps I just like cake more.


Stephen once drank a whole bottle of Italian salad dressing because doing so would purportedly intoxicate him.

Twilight is Obama for fat chicks who can't vote.


Vampires will never be cool. Except for Deacon Frost.

related: My Chemical Romance To Perform Bob Dylan Cover In 'Watchmen' Movie

"[They'll perform] like a cover of "Desolation Row," or something like that." The track will close out the film.

I propose "Blind Willie McTell."

Russell Brand (Forgetting Sarah Marshall) to host the MTV Video Music Awards
The Caffeine Nap

Death Race 2008

Oh, Joan [Allen], what were you thinking? When we get to hear Morgan Freeman cuss in Wanted it ends up being a high point of the film because Freeman so clearly is having a blast playing so far against type, he delivers the line so incredibly well, and it fits within the world Wanted has created. But when Allen cautions Statham, "Fuck with me and we'll find out who shits on the sidewalk." the response is just, WHAT? What the hell? What does that even MEAN? [source]

Jonathan, Jonathan, waterfalls are running thin

My boss allotted me an extra week of paid vacation.

I'd like to spend it experiencing a city I've never visited.

My (reasonable) short list:
» Austin, TX
» Boston, MA
» Calgary, AB
» Salt Lake City, UT
» New Orleans, LA

September 18 in Austin: The Air Sex World Championships!

"the culminating event of a year's worth of preliminary competitions"

The Rules:

Time: Contestants have a maximum of 2 minutes to perform an air sex routine. This can include all phases of an air sex encounter: meeting, seduction, foreplay and intercourse, or you can simply cut to the chase.

Music: Competitors must perform to music, you can either bring a CD of your performance track with you, or you can choose from our selection of air sex music. You may also include an audio prelude to your performance, maximum of 30 seconds.

Other Rules: Props are allowed, teams are allowed, talking is allowed. The only important rule is that all sexual climaxes must be simulated, not real.

What must our troops think?

video: air sex

Belated note: Tuesday at lunch, a television ad informed me that Ben Stein, Fran Drescher and Joy Behar would discuss the 2008 presidential election on Larry King Live.

The McLaughlin Group it ain't.

Stein may have worked in politics, but his opinions are no longer valid after Expelled.

is an expanding library of free, embeddable, feature-length documentaries.

Recommended launch titles:
» Heavy Metal in Baghdad
» Darkon
» Confessions of a Superhero

Dark Knight's Joker = The Crow?
When logos look alike
CafePress Quickie
FoxTrot references Penny Arcade, PvP, xkcd and The Joy of Tech
Rap's Most Embarassing Exposures
the all new "human" Jason Voorhees

Strangers on this road we are on

I couldn't secure a ride from the airport and didn't feel like gambling on a shuttle, so I hired a taxi. To drive on the 405 during afternoon rush hour.

My flight from Northern California to LAX cost $55.

My taxi ride from LAX to West Los Angeles cost $48.

I noticed Medieval lettering on Bruno's abdomen.

—Hey, what does your tattoo say?
—"Get to the chopper." From Predator.


Why aren't cameras following this guy? I wondered.

Later, Bruno described an elaborate, five-element Die Hard tattoo that he wanted to get.

I don't think I love any movie enough to tattoo a reference to it on my body.

Hall and Oates, on the other hand…

Shing's considering an ultraviolet Terminator skeleton tattoo on one of her forearms.

I borrowed Shing's laptop to print my boarding pass for my return flight.

—Shit. I forgot that she uses a Dvorak keyboard.

—Uhhh… S… O… U… U… Where the fuck is U?

I spent two minutes looking for the U key.

Shing's laptop renders the body text on Adam Riff™ in Helvetica, which frustrates me, because I designed it to render in Tahoma on a PC, and Tahoma should be bundled with Windows! If you use a PC and you're not reading this in Tahoma, I beseech you to install the font. Do it for Jonny!

Let's peek inside Jord's refrigerator!

in the freezer: pierogi and ice

underneath: beer, water, maple syrup and oranges

It's like the set-up for a Top Chef challenge.

Almost everyone I know has become a vegetarian.

Zankou Chicken

Idea: Dim Sum Poker Room.

In between Dark Knight screenings, I saw Wolf Parade live. They played all of At Mount Zoomer, to my delight.

Forest? Not as delighted.

The second halves of the songs on Zoomer blow away the first halves.

Forest's brother also attended the show. The two reminded me of David Sedaris and his brother Paul ("The Rooster"). Hearing John ask me whether I like Fleet Foxes with a South Carolinan drawl was surreal.

Cameron regaled me with tales of the LAPD's Hollywood Traffic Division. One involved a male transvestite receiving hostile fellatio from a male minor while motoring.

Cameron drives wildly for a traffic officer, but apparently, traffic officers won't ticket fellow traffic officers.


The Miz interviews Christopher Nolan
Left 4 Dead's Awesome Box Art
Fair & Balanced Poll

Burn After Reading

I have returned from Los Angeles, where I saw The Dark Knight four times.

I love how Gotham City is so blatantly Chicago.

At first, I thought the license plates on the cars were just Illinois plates, but the cursive "Illinois" actually reads "Gotham."

In the scene outside Gotham General after it explodes, you can see a CTA bus in the background with the "C" in the CTA's logo modified to be a "G."

Gotham City's transit authority is the GTA.

When Joker asks Batman to hit him after the truck flip, you can see a store in the background named "Sweet Home Chicago."

I didn't realize until my fourth viewing that Gordon drives the armoured truck carrying Dent. I still don't understand how Batman sets up the SWAT rope trick.

The actor who plays Gordon's son should stick to emoting.

"Dad, is he all right?"
[flaccid, no more sympathy]

Whoever mixed the sound at the end should be fired. Music drowns out Batman and Gordon's stirring monologues.

Batman's costume was on display at the ArcLight.

Whose shoes are more hideous: his or mine?


If characters on Night Court were Batman villains…

Judge Harry Stone = The Joker
Dan Fielding = Two-Face
Christine Sullivan = Catwoman
Bull Shannon = Mr. Freeze
Roz Russell = The Penguin

Mac Robinson = ?

Joker kills Spawn.

The actor who plays the mayor of Gotham City played Die Fladermaus "Batmanuel" on the live-action Tick series.

Joker didn't need to draw black rings around the mayor's eyes on his obit photo.

Joker's camera adds ten pounds (at least) to Anthony Michael Hall.

Good segue: chaotic end of Joker's first video message to Bruce's penthouse
Bad segue: cutting off Joker mid-laugh to the place where Dent's family died

Vermont senator Patrick Leahy reminds Joker of his father.

"Wanna know how I got these scars?"

"A little fight in you, I like that."

I expected Joker to say "I like that" like he does in the trailer, but Nolan used a different take in which Joker pronounces it as a dactyl. Annoyed me every time. Similarly, I prefer the burning Joker card in the trailer to the dull, flame-retardant one in the final cut.

Gordon's partner in the armoured truck urges him to head above ground without any urgency in his voice.

In the scene with the cash pyramid, Ledger channels Nicholson's Joker.

Edison Chen: famous superstar celebrity in Hong Kong, three-second cameo in The Dark Knight.

The actor who plays Lau speaks odd Mandarin, which puzzled me because it didn't sound like English was his first language, and if he couldn't speak Mandarin well, he could've spoken Cantonese, the de facto official spoken variety of Chinese in Hong Kong.

Turns out he's from Singapore, which explains both his odd Mandarin and his odd English.

Sonar is Daredevil's schtick!

I liked when the sonar died, though, and then…SONAR JOKER!

While pre-gaming for the 3:15 a.m. screening, we watched the end of Batman and Robin. Almost all of the dialogue is punny one-liners. Nolan has spoiled us.

Bruno also reminisced (to my surprise) about the Clock King, my favourite Batman villain, and one whom I relate to.

Jord pitched Two-Face and Talia al Ghul for Batman 6.

Bruno pitched Michael Keaton as Joker.

I pitched fast-forwarding and adapting The Dark Knight Returns — old Batman vs. old Joker and Superman.

Bruno pitched Michelle Williams as Harley Quinn.

I think The Fugitive with Batman in the Richard Kimble role could work.

"I didn't kill Dent."
"I don't care!"

The man who solved the "riddle" of Batman's identity in The Dark Knight was named Mr. Reese.

Mister Reese. Mysteries.

I bet we just saw the set-up for the Riddler in this movie. I imagine him to be one of the villains in the next movies. He's already figured out who Batman is, and now he's going to have all of Gotham hunting him down, since all of Gotham knows he knows who Batman is.

Also: I would put my money on Bane as a central villain. Maybe with someone like Javier Bardem to fill the role, we won't get the mindless muscleman the character is often misinterpreted as. We'll get the criminal mastermind who broke batman's back. [source]

1. I can't see that actor as Riddler.
2. Javier Bardem as Bane?


Anton Chigurh is a cross between Joker and Two-Face.

The Bate-man.

Bateman vs. Joker — I wish.

Morgan Freeman needs and deserves nicer teeth.