Tree Friend Tree Foe

Buried in a frustrating article on Amish health-care:

The next year, the couple had a second son, Henry. He was diagnosed with a disorder called maple syrup urine disease, in which patients can't break down certain amino acids. High levels of these amino acids in the blood can cause brain damage and death.

Wikipedia » Maple Syrup Urine Disease:

Characterized by the presence of sweet-smelling urine, with an odor similar to that of maple syrup.

I wonder if it would be possible to induce MSUD in homeless people.

Are you a tunt?

I'm typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!!

epic kanYe

Drew: you see gunnin yet?
Me: [to myself] uhhh…it hasn't opened yet?

I need more friends who aren't film critics or don't work in the film industry. I feel like I'm always the last person to see a movie, when in the real world, I'm usually among the first.

Drew: my father worked in a mill!

» I wonder how many Vietnamese-Americans will vote for McCain.

» I saw ads for Red Bull Cola in Vegas and intended to try it when I returned home. Turns out it's only available in Vegas for now. Meh.

» Even if the Hollywood Cookie Diet works, who (over the age of 10) wants to eat cookies for every meal? A Hollywood Cake Diet, on the other hand…

» Michael Caine's wife is named Shakira.

» Gene Simmons Family Jewels is perhaps too staged.

» Why is "Rock-a-bye Baby" a lullaby? I don't consider a song about a baby falling from the top of a tree very calming.

» ESPN The Magazine doesn't deserve its layout design.

» Idea: Ben Stein vs. Howie Schwab in a "Best of 20 Test of Knowledge" on Jimmy Kimmel Live. 10 general knowledge questions, 10 sports-related questions.

David Hasselhoff Social Network
Excerpts From Sex and the City and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Facebook Flake Frustration
In Vestimentis Ursum
Last week we gathered our friends together to mimic the promotional cast photos for LOST
Lit 101 Class in Three Lines or Less
Mario Lopez: The Most Shirtless Man in America
None of My Science Piñatas Are Appropriate for Children
Shaq Diss Raps Many Things
This is actually exactly what I hear anytime a Libertarian talks to me about Libertarianism.
Troy McClure Film or Actual Terrible Movie?

So I've decided at last to go into the world of professional wrestling. I've decided on a heel turn, a persona ("The Hipster", a music geek gone bad), and a uniform (same as all the other wrestlers, but I would wear it ironically).

Now all I have to do is figure out my finishing move. Here's what I got so far: [more]


Last Vegas debrief. I'm sick of them too.

Nothing says "ancient Egypt" like a Nathan's, Starbucks and Little Caesars (missing apostrophe [grumble]).

Of course, you can find all three in modern Egypt.

I hadn't been inside Luxor in like a decade and was disappointed to see that management enclosed the inclinators so that they're no longer terrifying to ride.

Criss Angel is developing a stage show at Luxor with Cirque du Soleil.


Bush: I have a dream that one day…

Continue reading »

Paid Vacation Time

I picked up my bag at the bell desk. The bellhop's face conveyed that he expected a tip. I begrudgingly tipped him for handing me my bag at the bell desk.

It's like how "le" prefixes everything inside Paris.

Idea: A nightclub named "Les Bians."

If you're French, doesn't staying at Paris defeat the point of traveling? It's like a New Yorker staying at New York, New York.

The missing apostrophe in "Caesars Palace" grinds my gears.


It is called "Caesars" and not "Caesar's" because every guest is a Caesar.

Then it should be called "Caesars' Palace"!

Don't get me started on "craigslist."

Continue reading »

For Now… We Toast

Last night at SPIKE's Guys Choice awards, Eli Manning beat Tiger Woods for "Most Unstoppable Athlete."

Yes, Eli's Super Bowl-winning drive and one post-season interception were impressive, but come on, GUYS…

Tiger won two out of three majors, two out of three World Golf Championship events, the first FedExCup and five straight PGA Tour events with a torn ligament in his left knee. That's the very definition of "unstoppable"!


Alien beat Predator for "Sexiest Siren."

"Siren" must be slang for "tranny."

—nick hogan should join wwe as a chicken-shit heel
—and use "real american" as his entrance music

—titantron video playing of nick singing to his crippled friend, "when it comes crashing down and it hurts inside"
—what'cha gonna do when nickamania runs into a palm tree?
—the nick world order

related: the goddamn insane hole in John Graziano's head

Whyte Rappaz R. N. Dainja
These Are Your Managers Chicago Fans

CineVegas X

LAST CUP: Road to the World Series of Beer Pong

Many of the documented attended the first screening. I caught the second screening. [sigh]

Your Name Here
"America's greatest science-fiction writer awakes to discover himself, like one his characters, trapped in an alternate reality…and then another…and another…and…"

To quote Dignan: "Like Southland Tales without the ambition."

To quote Steven: "I fell asleep."

Between screenings, I saw a crowd gathered in front of the red carpet set up in the theatre lobby. I investigated and saw the president of the theatre chain posing with The Rock Dwayne Johnson.

No, I did not give him a thumbs up.

Apparently, the president presented Dwayne with a star on the theatre's Lobby of Fame.

He joins Clifton Collins Jr., The Girls Next Door, and my favourite:

She Unfolds by Day
"Rolf Belgum spent four years weaving visuals of tiny creatures from his backyard, animated motions of his dog, and characteristics of the lives of wolves with the unpredictable nature of his mother."

More of a video and sound editing exercise than a film. Like The Limey without a plot.

I saw it mainly because I liked this still:

The End
"Nicola Collins explores the lives of her father and his friends — infamous criminals who shaped the East End of London after World War II into a violent underworld."

I wish its subjects divulged even more, but I understand why they wouldn't discuss, say, crimes they were never punished for.

Memorial Day
"Beginning as a rowdy beach weekend video, Memorial Day twists and turns to find the dark hearts of young Americans who live to tape their most debauched adventures."

Begins as an uncomfortable beach weekend video, becomes an uncomfortable dramatization of Abu Ghraib halfway through. Ocean City, Maryland's tourism bureau won't be happy.

Happy Birthday, Harris Malden
"Harris Malden fakes his facial hair, and as far as he's concerned, nobody can tell."

Like Lars and the Real Girl, only quirkier, less sentimental and with fake facial hair instead of a sex doll.

Hank and Mike
"Two fired Easter bunnies succumb to financial pressures and self-esteem issues."

We're talking 30 or 35 minutes of good material. The film runs a bit longer than that. Carried by its charismatic leads, one of whom reminds me of Rob.

Before Hank and Mike, Maria Menounos introduced a comedy short she made with her husband about America winning the war on terror by opening Hooters restaurants in the Middle East.

"No wonder CineVegas' official media partner is Access Hollywood," I thought.

Beautiful Losers
"Documents the lives of a loose-knit group of artists with no aspirations for acceptance who became harbingers of art and taste."

Shepard Fairey, Margaret Kilgallen, Mike Mills, Barry McGee, Jo Jackson, Stephen Powers, Chris Johanson, Harmony Korine, Ed Templeton — if you recognize those names, you'll dig it.

I'd never seen Barry McGee's "One More Thing" exhibit before, and I'm crushed that I missed it in person.

The van pile-up is sick.

"When repressed people begin exploding, George Washington Winsterhammerman questions his own stability."

Front-loaded and ground-maintaining, but worth seeing, if just for Zach Galifianakis: Dramatic Actor.

The Drake brothers said they shot at their family's house in Snoqualmie. Their family has a nice house.

The Incredible Hulk

During the climactic fight, I thought, "Wow, this is violent for pixels."


The Abomination later realizes the Hulk is missing, and rampages through the city of Reno, in Nevada, but is stopped by She-Hulk.

He also, uhhh, ransoms the Kennedy Space Center?

If Marvel made this movie in the 80s, Wallace Shawn would've played Samuel Sterns.

I'm with it. I'm hip.

"At one point late in the proceedings, Myers has two elephants fucking in the middle of a hockey arena for reasons that eluded me.

A sequence of characters hitting each other in the face with mops soaked in piss seems to go on forever.

He has the ego to cameo as himself in his own movie."

Colbert's Q&A with Carell and Hathaway
Rumors the Obama campaign shouldn't try to correct

True Dreams of Wichita

Previously on Adam Riff™:

I'm attending a wedding on Saturday, the first of three this summer.

My second cousin Eddie married his college sweetheart on a country club golf course.

New rule: Summer weddings must be indoors.

Eddie introduced me to wrestling and fantasy sports.

I'd never seen such a large wedding party. The bride and her maids could've played baseball against the groom and his men.

I opened the program.

Call to Worship… Scripture Reading… Pastoral Encouragement… The veil symbolizes the Lord's protection… The candle symbolizes the Lord's guidance… Worship Songs… Prayer…

"Oof," I thought. "I forgot the bride is Filipino."

Turns out that Eddie is the pious one.

He mouthed the lyrics to both worship songs and opened the reception by saying grace.

According to his pastor, he quotes scripture to his girl when she's distressed.

I had no idea. Eddie's happy-go-lucky demeanor belies his inner Jesus freak. I felt ambushed.

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, I know it's true
It's my joy to honor You
In all I do, I honor You

You are my King, You are my King
Jesus You are my King

Give thanks to the Lord
Our God and King
His love endures forever
For He is good,
He is above all things
His love endures forever
Sing praise, sing praise

"Why am I listening to this at a wedding?" I thought. "Fuck, it's hot."

I've attended some religious weddings, but nothing like Eddie's. Literally every element of the evening praised God.

The vows praised God. All four toasts praised God. Even the slideshow praised God!

E and C met because of God. God will keep E and C together. God God God God God!

One toastee mentioned that the two read scripture together at night.


I wonder how a wedding slideshow would play at the bride or groom's funeral.

"See that boy wearing the blue tie?"
"He was a test tube baby."
"His mother had cancer and couldn't conceive."

I loathe "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve, but it's pretty spectacular as entrance music to a wedding reception.

The bride walked down the aisle to "Your Song" by Elton John. Bride and groom exited to "Cherish" by Madonna and cut the cake to "Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional.

Apparently, God requested pop songs

"'Canon in D' is so banal."

With so many Filipino people in attendance, I was tempted to request "Thriller" when the dance floor opened.

"That boy, the test tube baby…"
"A white woman birthed him."

My mother was a tad preoccupied at the reception.

Fondant is like fat on steak or skin on chicken.

You play with fire, you get cut

I checked my watch. 8:20. The man said 8:15.

Call a cab, Jon.

But I prepaid for a return trip! Even if I can afford to, I'd rather not eat $6.

I called the company to check the status of my shuttle.

"Please hold."
"Your queue position is: two."
"We're sorry. The extension you dialed is inactive."


First of all, I didn't dial an extension! Second…

I checked my watch. 8:25.

Okay, I can't wait any longer.

The taxi queue in front of the hotel was empty.

I cut off the guy walking in front of me by entering the queue from the front instead of the back like he did.

My conscience let him board ahead of me.

The taxi queue captain, who was chatting with a friend on her mobile, waved a cab over.

As he boarded the cab, the guy asked the captain about good clubs to visit.

"Tonight? Eh… You should club tomorrow. Hold on."

She asked her friend on the mobile with about good clubs to visit on Wednesday night.

"You have to be kidding me," I thought.

I tried to wave a cab over myself. She waited for her friend to ask another friend. The guy checked his mobile. His cab driver waited helplessly.

"EXCUSE ME! I need to get to the airport!"

Miss Captain, now flirting with Club Kid, waved a cab over halfheartedly, and I let myself in.

If I wasn't in a rush, however…

"Open the door for me, bitch! It's your job!"

Then I would've tipped her by hurling a handful of change in her face. Nickels, preferably.

In the cab, I stewed over the missing shuttle.

"The extension you dialed is inactive!" It wasn't yesterday when I called to schedule a pick-up!

Inactive… Bollocks.

I bet someone will answer tomorrow when I don't need him or her to.

I'm-a call the shuttle company every day for the next month and schedule bogus pick-ups.

On the plane, I sat window and a woman sat beside me even though the aisle seat was open.

"Bitch, your ass is on my seat!" I thought. "Move the fuck over! This isn't a clown plane! Yes, I called you a 'bitch'! Are you not sitting in the 'bitch' seat?"

I recorded a bunch of notes on the past few days which I will share over the next few days.


There's a lot of gloating I could do around here. There is. I don't remember Len Bias (I was 6) but I do remember Reggie Lewis. I do remember that I pretty much wrote "RL 35" on all my school books, on my shoes, and on anything else I owned. I loved Reggie. He died. Come to think of it – Reggie Lewis was really the first person I cared about who died.

I'm very pleased today.

Jon, soon enough, will post a conversation we had after Game 4 where I compared the Lakers to the worst things imaginable. I called Phil Jackson a fraud (who got outcoached by one Doc Rivers this series) and I'm pretty sure I called for a "NO MEANS NO!" chant at the Garden. But any actual fan of sports (you know, ones who don't show up halfway through the first quarter and actually can keep an NFL franchise in their city) had to have loved seeing three actual decent human beings in Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and Kevin Garnett win a title and not some rapist. I love to remind Laker fans that Ray Allen called the whole Kobe Bryant situation when Kobe stupidly drove the 2nd best big man of all time out of town. I also love to remind them that their beloved "M-V-P!" was booed at home back at the start of the year. There isn't a more unlikeable athlete in all of professional sports – at least Alex Rodriguez doesn't yell at his teammates (unless they shoot it in his eye). A-Rod comes off as more of a tragic hero to me, mostly because he's got a severely damaged psyche but can play baseball like he's fucking Zeus.

At least the Hawks won all three games on their home court and made it a 7 game series.


Between screenings today, I thought I'd play some roulette.

As I approached the roulette tables in the casino, I noticed video roulette machines across the walkway.

I lost $20 to a computerized roulette wheel.

I'm disgusted with myself.

Of course when I bet $5 on black the ball lands on red! Of course!

It looked fun…

Last year at a TIFF screening, I happened to sit in front of a few contributors to Twitch.

Today at a screening, I happened to sit in front of Dignan, whose Twitter I follow and whose blog I used to link before he switched to Twitter.

I'll be at the Los Angeles Film Festival next week. Nudge nudge, wink wink.

Tuesday, June 24th: A conversation with Shaun of the Dead director Edgar Wright, moderated by South Park's Matt Stone.

Speaking of TIFF, I bet Colin Geddes scores the world premiere of Thaipocalypo

for this year's fest.

5-25-77 prepped for a Toronto debut

Our hearts look the same as dirty fiction

I intended on attending SIFF this year, but CineVegas programmed films that interested me more and didn't spread them out over 25 days, so I'm off to Vegas for the third time this year.

In order to save $5, I fly out at 6:35 a.m. the morning after a late wedding reception. Whee!

'The Happening' is so bad that I feel compelled to make a spoiler-laden list of its most laughably terrible parts rather than review it.
Jon Voight cast as Jack Bauer's next big nemesis.
The Office spin-off casts Aziz Ansari.

Hulk Implosion

Previously on Adam Riff™:

Like Bruce Banner, Jennifer Connelly's hair keeps changing throughout the movie. Also, in almost every scene, she's crying, and she always cries exactly one teardrop.

—should i post this?
—i got some lolz
—fatty with a hulk hand
—that's classic laughs

In case you missed the party over at Rotten Tomatoes…

Let's see: Philosphy, English Lit, what else you got for degrees? I guess you failed to master them sufficiently to teach anywhere so now you put on the same kind of pseudointeleectual show that made Diane Chambers on "Cheers" so obnoxious

He's just mad at the fact he's a black gay guy.

I once visited a card shop with a co-worker and noticed an odd-looking boy in the back playing Magic: The Gathering. I later learned that he was a black albino.

More amazing triple whammy: Black conservative homosexual or black albino nerd?

Ang Lee sucks the big one!…well except for face off, that movie is pretty awesome

Too easy.

Dear Anton,

Walk down your hallway, open the door to your bedroom, and smile as Ang Lee lays prone in your bed…lazily sleeping. Enjoy

i hope this guy gets stabbed and shot then hanged and then gagged….and then some 1 takes a dump on his lifeless rotting corpse

Hanged and THEN gagged.

maybe you should take your grandma to see on golden pond and you can hold her hand through the whole movie.

heres a tip -don't quite your day job !
Do what you do best and thats spot checking and tongue cleaning Glory Holes!

YOUR critique might have been vaguely entertaining if you were holding your mouth over said glory hole (as you usually do)!!

"I might've liked your review if you had a cock in your mouth!"

Not to be outnoxioused, Peter Bradshaw wrote a 500-word review of The Incredible Hulk entirely in Hulk-speak.

The movie opens today and I'm already sick of hearing "Hulk smash." At the moment, I'll even accept quoting Napoleon Dynamite over more fucking "Hulk smash."

Fatty with a hulk hand,