This means something. This is important.

Indiana Jones and the Close Encounters of the Third Kind

» Kurt and Shing both described it as "fun," which is about as assuring as Paula Abdul praising your outfit for her critique.

» Lucas: "Hound Dog"? Russians? Greasers? A diner? I can't tell what era this is! The 80s? We need a gratuitous nucular explosion!

» Video idea: Bob Falfa challenges Mutt Williams to a drag race.

» What, exactly, was the point of the masked, chop-socky dart-spitters?

» Kingdom of the Cheap-Looking Plastic Skull is more like it.

» I want an animated .gif of Harrison Ford jerking his head about while "communicating" with the skull.

» The chase sequence in the forest references the forest chase sequence in The Incredibles, which references the forest chase sequence in Return of the Jedi. Note that Lucasfilm founded Pixar.

» "Me Tarzan. You dad."

» Monkeys = Ewoks.

» I hope the gold jewelry was worth it, Mac. At least Elsa died trying to retrieve the Holy Grail.

A number of production photos were stolen from Spielberg's office. Roderick Eric Davis, 37, pled guilty to two felony counts and will serve two years and four months in jail.


I'd say "This is proof that even as part of a pure money-grab, Spielberg isn't capable of making an unmitigated disaster," but the guy's last sequel was "The Lost World."

I must've missed the memo that said The Lost World was a disaster, because I LOVED it.

Granted, I haven't seen it since 1998, and if I saw it again today, my opinion might change, but I saw it seven times at cinemas — twice on one day!

I loved the tiny dinosaurs attacking a girl and ripping off bits of a man's flesh.

I loved the teetering trailer sequence.

I loved the two Tyrannosaurus Rexes jointly tearing a man apart.

I loved the T. Rex squashing a man under its foot, sticking its tongue in a waterfall and roaming suburban San Diego.

I loved the raptors picking people off in high grass and losing traction on tile roofing.

My favourite scene:
A woman (I don't remember who) digs a hole under a door to escape an outbuilding. She sticks her head through the hole to check for raptors, pulls out to report that the coast is clear and BAM! A raptor busts through the door, jolting the audience.

Indy-themed mint-crisp limited-edition M&Ms

Audio Blood

Dale over LISA?

I cannot wait for the reunion.

8:55: Z.Z. Top have been older than fucking dirt since I was born. The reason Ponce De Leon couldn't find the Fountain of Youth because it's HIDDEN IN THEIR BEARD HAIR.

8:59: OUT OF CROSBY, STILLS, NASH and YOUNG, they get NASH??

9:22: They ask the obviously younger woman with Archuleta's ancient grandfather if she's his grandmother. And she's all…NO….and it's awkward, because yeah, maybe she's an aunt or something, but also, maybe, fingers crossed, she's a hooker.

JUNK's Idol finale live-blog for the win.

Actual musical artists:

Ying Yang Twins
Bing Ji Ling
The Ting Tings
Joe Lean and the Jing Jang Jong
Wang Chung

» Beck's new song buh-lows. Danger Mouse is a hack. Benny Blanco >>>>> Danger Mouse.

» The only good part of The Offspring's new song begins with Dexter singing "You know I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…"

» Listening to "Hammerhead," I realized that Dexter's singing voice annoys me.

» How are Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani still together?

Leap of Faith
E3 Floor Plan Revised To Match Your Inner Cynic
The "Great Swallow" Project: How One Insane Person Gained Notoriety

Then the stars don't even matter

» I saw a guy remove his glasses before eating. Very odd… Ben says he eats without his glasses on too. He also has split hooves and doesn't chew his cud.

What? No I don't. I wear my glasses. I'm not some sort of animal who can't control his eating ability. Jon, I hate you.

— do you eat with your glasses on?
— why wouldnt?
— i

— so you do
— of course
— i'm not a slop ffs

— wow
— ok…

Jon: I need to start wearing glasses when I chat.

Pocket Knives to Pocket Vetoes

Other people's lines which I intend to steal someday:

"I'm glad I didn't kill myself before I went to Manhattan, because I feel like running away to New York is a better idea than suicide."

"Long story short, we drink, get smoked out, eat leftover fish from a paper bag, and walk some more to another bar."

"Loving popular rap while hating popular rock must be difficult for those who want to keep it real while keeping it eclectic."

Cannes dispatch on Brillante Mendoza's Serbis (Service):

This is the first time I've ever walked out before the end of a film at a festival.

The film opens with a scene of total gratuitous nudity — a young Filipino girl, just out of the shower, preening in front of a mirror, with voyeuristic panning down to breasts and pubic hair.

From there we're treated to a graphic oral sex scene between a man and a male prostitute that would be more appropriate for a gay porn film, and another graphic sex scene between a young man and woman that looked pretty darn real.

The end of it for me was a disgustingly graphic scene of the nephew popping the boil on his ass with a coke bottle.

He pops a boil on his ass with a Coke bottle?


Evidence that there's at least one part of Tom Brady's body that he's capable of putting a hat on.


» I hate when a tissue I grab to wipe my glasses with turns out to be one with lotion, because then I have to find a tissue without lotion to wipe the lotion from the first tissue off my glasses.

» I saw a guy remove his glasses before eating. Very odd… Ben says he eats without his glasses on too. He also has split hooves and doesn't chew his cud.

» The Dollar Tree insert in the Sunday paper advertised $1 steaks. "Hurry in! While quantities last!"

» I also saw an ad for Tostitos Creamy Salsa, which defeats the point of salsa. Creamy salsa is crude Thousand Island dressing.

» Rob vacations and goes on more excursions than anyone I know. He'll use any excuse to get away.

Tk: My period's due.
Rob: Let's go snowboarding in Banff!

I kinda wish he'd have a kid already so I could stop resenting how "exhausting" his weekends are.

Psychic Nosebleeds
Price Is Right Idiot
Drag Queen Robs Burger King

Hope is for sissies

Greil Marcus on Bob Dylan's Self Portrait:

What is this shit?

Unless [Dylan] returns to the market-place with a sense of vocation and the ambition to keep up with his own gifts, the music of [the mid-sixties] will continue to dominate his records.

I'm convinced that the Red album is Weezer's Self Portrait.

I listened to it and…

What is this shit?

Unless Cuomo returns to the market-place with a sense of vocation and the ambition to keep up with his own gifts, the music of the mid-nineties will continue to dominate his records.

Dylan on Self Portrait Rivers on Red:

I said, 'I wish these people would just forget about me. I wanna do something they can't possibly like, they can't relate to. They'll see it, and they'll listen, and they'll say, 'Well, let's get on to the next person. He ain't sayin' it no more. He ain't given' us what we want.'

But the whole idea backfired. The album went out there, and the people said, 'This ain't what we want,' and they got more resentful.

And then I did this portrait for the cover. I mean, there was no title for that album. I knew somebody who had some paints and a square canvas, and I did the cover up in about five minutes.

The ten most embarrassing Red album lyrics:

10. ("Cold Dark World")

I will protect you
Never disrespect you
But if you need love
Then I'll be here to sex you

9. ("Troublemaker")

I'm gonna be a star
And people will crane necks
To get a glimpse of me
And see if I am having sex

8. ("Pork and Beans")

They say I need some Rogaine to put in my hair
Work it out at the gym to fit my underwear
Oakley makes the shades to transform a tool
You'd hate for the kids to think that you've lost your cool

7. ("Dreamin'")

Daddy says I've gotta pay some bills
So I can learn to be responsible
Someday I'll have a family of my own
And they will need for me to be full-grown

6. ("Dreamin'")

Gotta be a big boy
Gotta pick up my toys

5. ("Pork and Beans")

I'll eat my candy with the pork and beans […]
I don't give a hoot about what you think

4. ("Troublemaker")

Who needs stupid books?
The alphabet-ey crooks
And I will learn by studying the lessons in my dreams

3. ("Troublemaker")

Marrying a bi-atch
Having seven ki-ads

2. ("The Greatest Man That Ever Lived [Variations on a Shaker Hymn]")

I'm like the mage
With the magic spell
You come like a dog
When I ring your bell

1. ("Everybody Get Dangerous")

When I was younger
I used to go and tip cows for fun, yeah
Actually I didn't do that
'cause I didn't want the cow to be sad

Rivers is 37 years old. Harvard accepted him!

To be fair:


You wanted arts and crafts
How's this for arts and crafts?
Wa-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na [accompanied by guitaring]

I laughed. Unironically.

When fire and the ocean floor collide

What happened to Nikki Cox? Is Jay Mohr blind?

Bobcat Goldthwait abandoned ship at the right time.

What happened to Bobcat Goldthwait?

Come on, Last Five Minutes of Grey's Anatomy. Do you have to do the musical montage every episode?

Does anybody know what show invented the end-of-show song montage? Is there a use that predates Dire Straits' "Brothers in Arms" in the season 2 finale of West Wing? That was only kinda-sorta a montage (no pointless cut to overhead wheeling crane shot of Leo in his office, etc.)


» This week's Rock Band DLC includes "Hysteria" by Muse, my favourite Muse song and one that's woefully unappreciated by people who craft movie trailers.

» MGM confirmed that "Robocop" is a candidate for a remake. FAIL. Just release a "special edition" with cosmetic updates a la Star Wars. ED-209, for example, could move a bit smoother.

» I cannot find video of Mike Seaver's water-bed leaking. The Internet has failed me.

» "Block party" weekends on radio are basically excuses to (completely) ignore new music. Why not hold a "one hit" weekend for once? I hear enough Shitty Peppers on weekdays.

Mo Rocca on…Banking

Mo Rocca deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia.

Saturday. May 17. Baltimore, Maryland.
Does it look like Jason Giambi is wearing a thong?
MMA Double Knock-out
A Brief History Of Cars Crashing Through Walls On Sitcoms
snack chips infused with caffeine
The Worst Celebrity Game Renders of All Time
Radical Cartography

Mr. Andy Bernard

On November 23, FOX presents a special two-hour prequel to Day 7 of 24, shot on location in South Africa. [more]

Jack Bauer: When Nature Calls!

Capture your own!

Face for radio? No, a face (and a voice) for silent film.

You've seen the shirt, now listen to this.

Let me get this straight — DreamWorks flew Jack Black and Angelina Jolie to Cannes to promote…Kung Fu Panda?

The Cannes Film Festival is just a fancy MTV Movie Awards.

Matthew Ziegler
Kids drawings come to life
Facebook beer pong balls
Quiz: Are You An Online Jackass?

Do you like burritos?

Jonah Hill in negotiations to develop '21 Jump Street' movie

It hasn't been decided whether Hill will actually star in the movie, but he'll work on the screenplay. [more]

Odds that Richard Grieco cameos: 100 percent!

related: Jonah Hill no longer in talks for 'Transformers 2'

The Simpsons Movie, 90210, 21 Jump Street — when in doubt, mine Fox's early years, I suppose.

What about a Married…with Children redux on pay cable or Tim and Eric's Get a Life on [adult swim]?

A film adaptation of Herman's Head by Charlie Kaufman would be interesting.

If I was James Carrey, I'd push for an In Living Color movie, a la an Apatow production with appearances by recurring characters.

Wikipedia's list is missing Background Guy. The one set at a beach was my favourite.

» I sent a package today to a customer named Connie Linkous. What an unfortunate oronym.

» Jerry Sloan looks like he should be interviewing someone on 60 Minutes.

» Vujačić just missed another three.

» Free association: Avery Johnson? Dirty Sanchez.

» I can't find my fuckin' humidifier! My left nostril has donated at least a pint of blood in the past week.

» To this day, I'm surprised that the Backstreet Boys needed someone to show them the meaning of being lonely.

Frog Migration: Omen to China Earthquake Disaster
I'm not crazy, right?

Straw Dog

Spellbound commenced a steady flow of 21st century documentaries on offbeat competitions: Scrabble, ballroom dancing, quad rugby, air guitar, jump rope, Donkey Kong, et al.

Up next: grocery bagging, crêpe making and beer pong.

Still available: cup stacking, bird calling, Rubik's Cube.

» The Sex and the City movie is 135 minutes long. Iron Man is 126 minutes, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is 123.

» My impression of the new Apple Store in Boston:

» What is the appeal of Provolone cheese? It doesn't taste like anything!

» Ryan Adams and Mandy Moore — another reason to greenlight Celebrity Double Dates. Pair 'em with Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson.

Sony PlayStation 3 Thumb Ad (NSFW?)
The Vicious Cycle
A New White Person Complaint Daily

Sin Tetas No Hay Paraíso

The 1UP Yours crew (well, Shawn) recently pondered Grand Theft Auto's next move.

Now that they've got the equivalent of Vegas, L.A., San Francisco, New York and Miami, what's left? People have already done London. I think they've done Paris. If not, someone's doing it. What else are they gonna do? Chicago? Is that that different?

Chicago would only be interesting if it's Prohibition-era Chicago, which would limit the selection of vehicles and weapons considerably.

I heard a rumour that Niko is headed to San Andreas, but I hope Rockstar is more creative for episode ten.


Hong Kong
• no Asian GTA protagonist yet
• Tokyo is banal
• associated with gangsters
• residents speak English
• glitzy, seedy, over-the-top gambling mecca Macau is nearby (expansion area)

Future City a la Blade Runner
• deviates from the realism of previous GTA games, but permits impossible vehicles and weapons
• future satire
GTA 2 references

Rio de Janeiro a la City of God
• missions in sprawling favelas
"driving in Rio is hazardous due to aggressive driving habits, poorly maintained roads and the risk of being intercepted by bandits, especially at traffic lights"
• prostitution is legal
• soccer and baile funk > bowling and a comedy club

» Mariah Carey's first husband was 21 years older than her. Her second husband is 10 years younger than her. She'd be terrible on The Price Is Right.

» On Monday Night Raw, I glimpsed a guy wearing Insane Clown make-up. How is that nonsense still around?

» On Dancing with the Stars, a couple somehow danced to "Satellite" by Dave Matthews Band.

Things Younger Than John McCain
"Hot Tub Time Machine"
KY Couples Lubricants

Flip on the telly, wrestle with Jeremy

Fox nixes adaptation of Spaced

Fox picks up animated comedy from creator of Arrested Development
voice cast: Jason Bateman, Will Forte, Will Arnett…

Gabe Sachs and Jeff Judah (Freaks and Geeks) to run 90210 update

Daughter Annie (Shenae Grimes) and adopted boy Dixon (Tristan Wilds) attend West Beverly Hills High. [more]

Darcy on Degrassi: The Next Generation and Michael on The Wire are the leads!

Jennie Garth is joining the cast. Tori Spelling too?

Still Orangutans

At Mother's Day lunch:

"Johnson's parents bought a house in his name in Palo Alto."
"They paid $2.1 million — in cash."

"In cash?"
"They needed to best a $2.1 million offer that required a loan."

Poor CEO… He needed a loan to buy a $2.1 million house! A LOAN! Bwah!

I completed online traffic school over the weekend.

Not sure why I had to read about provisional licenses and motorcycle helmets, but whatever.

Highlights of the reading material:

Eyeglasses usually consist of a pair of lenses mounted in a frame to hold them in position before the eyes.

o rly?

More deadly than leukemia or muscular dystrophy, collisions also cripple or disfigure thousands of youngsters for life.

"I'm a monster!"

In the late 1980s, drivers in the United States, apparently frustrated by increasing congestion, began fighting and shooting each other on a regular basis, victims of what the popular press termed "road rage."

Shooting each other on a regular basis?

If the hood opens suddenly:
• Slow down.
• Try to look under the hood to see.


—i need to find a name for my new car.
—you name your cars?
—you don't?
—why would i name my car?
—i call it "my car."

—car naming is very common.

White people are weird.

—is calliope a bad name for a car?
—for a car, yes. for a unicorn, no.
—duly noted; i will continue to vet other opinions.

» When I am king of the world, if I have to stand on a bus, all the women on the bus will join me in standing, so I can feel tall.

» I discovered today that my laptop's weather widget was set to "Mountain View, AR." That explains all the mysterious thunderstorms.

» I saw an ad on the back page of the latest SF Weekly for an "Infrared Weight Loss Body Wrap."

» For a band name, Beerijuana is so bad, it's good.

» Wait… Daughtry has a hit song about being over someone and a hit song about not being over someone?

Wiki: Daughtry's self-titled debut album has yielded seven singles.

"I took my love down to Violent Hill…"

I keep hearing "violent" instead of "violet," like Elmyra in the episode of Tiny Toon Adventures that parodied Saturday Night Live.

Culinary Abortions from Japan
looking for blacks
When Obama wins